Can I please just have a rant about my husband and step son

[GratefullyDecline]

And how much my husband babies him. It infuriates me.

My step son is 12, nearly 13, and is never made to lift a finger, ever, to do anything.

And it's honestly starting to really annoy me. When I grew up, chores were just part of life. My parents were never hugely strict but by that age I was expected to do small things to help out, tidy my room, wash up sometimes, set the table, that sort of thing.

My step son is made to do nothing at all. He's never washed a glass, set the table, has tidied his room less times than I can count on one hand. He doesn't even make his own breakfast before school my husband rushes around in the morning making sure he's got a bowl of cereal placed in front of him whilst he sits there watching TV.

I'm a SAHM and sometimes help out in the mornings. But I am now refusing to take him to school unless the weather calls for it. I'm not messing all the other children around driving a 12 year old 15 minutes down the road. At that age I was getting on public transport for 40 minutes to two towns away to go to school! I also refuse to sort his breakfast out too and if he doesn't make any for himself (which I shout down to him and tell him to do) then that's tough, we'll still be leaving.

His room is absolutely disgraceful. I have given up asking for it to be tidied because DH doesn't enforce it. But I won't go in there to do things now like change bed sheets etc.. there is just shit everywhere, all over the floor, rubbish etc.

I've just had enough and am now completely detaching. Whenever I bring anything up to H he says it's nothing to do with me if he wants to make him breakfast or whatever, fine no it's not (even though it still annoys me watching it), but I'm not going to be expected to do the same.

He says I won't be as hard on my DC when they are that age and I'll be exactly the same which is absolutely not true. I absolutely plan (and do already) to get my children to do some small age appropriate things around the house and I certainly won't be rushing about every morning making pieces of toast for teenagers! My toddler already knows to put toys away and things when asked.

I appreciate this is not my step sons fault, he's never been made to do these things but it's just making me resentful of the whole situation. I understand teenagers are lazy, I'm not expecting the world. But even if he was just asked to do some things, keep his room tidy or whatever, I'd feel better. Even if he didn't actually do it in a weird way?! At least I'd feel like DH had some actual expectations of him and how he treat the house if that makes sense? I used to pull my face at being asked to tidy my room and it wasn't always tidy at all, but my parents still told me to do it, I couldn't have just gotten away with being treated like a 5 year old all the time.

Driving me nuts.

Ah a situation I recognise!

We used to see DSS 1 weekend in 4 (his choice) and at 15 he did pretty much nothing! He wasn't allowed (by his DM) to catch public transport. My DH would literally turn the oven on and put a pizza in for him while I worked rather than him do it himself........ All while my DD who is 6 years younger would be required to participate in real life! I kid you not she would cook a bolognese or chili from scratch at the same time!!!

Pure and simple he was babied entirely. I wasnt managing the situation a week at a time however and as much as I could I ignored it but sometimes voiced my opinions loudly.

We are 4 years on and what I catagorically know is that DD is way better prepared for life and I am proud of that!

The hilarious step mother bashers are here in force. So funny how far they reach in their desperation

Yep.

I should add - DH expected DD to be far more self sufficient at a much much younger age!!

Yanbu to be irritated. How is dss going to cope with real life situations like living at uni and needing to eat or needing to take public transport because no lift can be offered?
My kids walk 25 mins to school and it's as much a social opportunity as necessity of life. I know teens who are brought up like dss and they are not coping with uni. Ds knows one who has parents deliver laundry each week and take his dirty clothes back home and another who had to be told not to put metal in a microwave etc

The person who suggested that dss should be treated like the younger kids is not right imo. Imagine using the excuse "but I have younger siblings" - his peers will be

I read somewhere that Timothy West (wife Prunella Scales is suffering from Dementia) can finally see his daughter Juliet from his first marriage without feeling a sense of divided loyalties. Timothy and Prunella have sons, one of whom is Samuel West the actor. They are a lovely family and it is touching to see the relationship between Timothy and his daughter, and indeed his sons, on Great Canal Journeys.
Sadly, Prunella is now too ill for any TV appearances.

This must be so frustrating. I have a child almost that age (not a step family situation) who Iike most kids that age is rather lazy. When I introduce new age appropriate chores, there is the message of contributing to the household as a member, but I also try to play up “I want you to learn this so that you can be independent.“ I try to make independence sound like a glamorous thing that benefits the kid themself and something to strive towards (which it is). For example, “in a few years you’ll be coming home from school by yourself mostly and might be here when me and Dad are out for an evening, I want you to learn to cook so you can fix your favorite meals for yourself.” Even if you are disengaging, you might be able to slip in some of these types of messages every now and then in conversation. Perhaps after a while they might hit home.
My husband also expects less from our kid, which is a source of stress. I often have to battle him first to understand the importance of kids learning how to take care of themselves and clean up, before I can start working on the kid!
Good luck. I can’t offer any answers, but I sympathize with your situation. (I was a step child, too, and still sympathize).

@aSofaNearYou

I do think he should be asked to tidy his bedroom or wash up every now and again - but these are parenting decision - you are NEVER going to be in a position to make them

This is not at all reasonable when a child lives with you half the time. You need to be able to issue instructions.

Completely agree with this. My SDs aren't here quite as often as that, but I'm more than comfortable asking them to clear plates / set table / load dishwasher etc when they are. And DH always backs me up. Thank God.

If it was serious discipline or punishment issue I'd leave it to him (albeit he'd usually discuss it with me just to sanity check and make sure I agreed). But day-to-day things I absolutely can and do ask for.

In fact, when we (as a couple) decided how much pocket money to give SDs, we decided half was a regular weekly amount that would always go in as long as certain rules and chores were done. We set those rules and chores together. We also have bonus chores they can choose to do to earn extra. We set those together also.

We're a team, we live together, we set the rules together, and I have his full permission and confidence to ask the kids to do things around the house when they need doing.

And I'd be furious if he didn't at least back me up but ideally lead the charge on things like tidying rooms and basic chores.

@Earwigworries

As a step mum to a now adult and with two boys of a similar age to your step son I think you need to give him a bit more time to grow up . It’s probably not far off him being ready for all of these responsibilities but I’d expect gradual progress on some things whilst others that seem obvious aren’t to him. I think you need to take some deep breathes like all parents of almost / new teens need to

"All these responsibilities" - Christ alive she's talking about popping a slice of bread in the toaster and washing a cup up when he needs one.

@sadpapercourtesan

Yes, I can see why it would frustrate him, if you're refusing to do a bowl of cereal for the 12yo when you're doing the other children's anyway.That does seem rather mean-spirited. Similarly, if you're dropping other kids off school I can see why it would seem like petty point-proving to refuse to take the 12yo - if the school is so close, it can't be adding much time to your journey.

Ultimately, it is for your DH to make the decisions on how his son is parented. And he really isn't doing anything terrible unconventional by making his son breakfast and taking him to school. You can, of course, put your foot down and refuse to support that parenting, say "when I'm here he can get his own cereal/walk to school", but you should be aware that you're choosing to sour your own relationships when you do that.

Seriously? You can't be serious. Besides what makes you think she is making the other kids breakfasts? I guess you don't have a 12 year old. Or indeed older kids. It just pathetic not to get your own cereal at 12. And clearly the other kids are not going to that school. I feel sorry for people who do this, the OP's husband is not being a good dad to the kid, and that's the bottom line really. It's a bit sad and I understand why she find it's annoying.

I have a son at university and a son at college. Both competent, functioning adults who can cook and look after themselves.

There does seem to be a lot of projection happening on this thread - wild assumptions being made about other posters' experiences and lives. None of it has been aimed at stepmother, curiously

My ds and dd caught a bus to school from age 11.
It was rare and usually pouring with rain, that I would drop them off.
I can't remember getting their breakfast, I was out the door by 7.30.
Ds's bedroom was always dreadful though until he left home.
Your dss parents are being ridiculous.

You can really tell the parents on here who also baby their DC. I don't make my 10 year olds breakfast. She is perfectly capable of pouring cereal and milk.

You have my sympathies OP, I couldn't live like this. Driving a child to a school that is a 15 min walk away is crazy to me. Back when I was at school being driven to secondary school was the worst thing ever and so embarrassing.

@sadpapercourtesan

I have a son at university and a son at college. Both competent, functioning adults who can cook and look after themselves.

There does seem to be a lot of projection happening on this thread - wild assumptions being made about other posters' experiences and lives. None of it has been aimed at stepmother, curiously

That's not true at all, posters have assumed OP does not like her stepson and also assumed she is jealous of his easy childhood and this is what is driving her opinion.

It is disingenuous and quite biased to keep trying to say that it is only the people supporting OP who have been projecting and making wild assumptions.

I regularly post in the stepparents subreddit, which is much more supportive than here. Not because it's an echo chamber, people equally get called out when they are overstepping or otherwise in the wrong. The difference is that you solicit opinions from people in the same situation as you, people that are also stepparents and can therefore relate even if they disagree. Surely you can see how this is completely different from people who are not stepparents, have never been stepparents, and likely didn't grow up with stepparents, insisting that their opinions be heard. It is not helpful or productive in any way.

I have two sons (25 & 19), both have been/are in uni & have lived/live with fellow students.
BOTH have shared various tales of housemates not knowing how to switch on an oven, housemates not knowing how to use a washing machine, housemates never even washing out a mug, housemates not being able to cook the most basic things & housemates parents driving 3 hours weekly to bring pre cooked & frozen meals to precious offspring who can't be expected to cook for themselves! I also know a few people who collect their dc from uni on weekends where they want to come home as the dc "don't like" public transport!!!!
For the record my two are not neat freaks and the 19 couldn't tidy his bedroom to save his life but he is at least clean, can look after himself (& others) & can take any type of train, bus, plane alone.
Babying dc like this is quite frankly ridiculous & does the child in question absolutely no favours! I honestly think that people who support this kind of parenting have massive issues with allowing their dc to grow up & are terrified they won't be 'needed' aka loved, once the dc get older.

people who are not stepparents, have never been stepparents, and likely didn't grow up with stepparents

and which of the posters who have disagreed with the OP are you identifying as belonging to the above categories, @TheWickedStepmum88 ? You're probably wrong, btw. You have no idea what other people's life experiences. The above poster who assumed I had no older children was wrong. The subsequent poster who assumed that those disagreeing with OP must have babied their children was wrong.

Additionally, it's a mistake to assume that if someone's life experiences don't align exactly with yours in every particular, then they have no insight to offer you. The stepparent forums you mention - they're echo chambers, and famous for it. It's a good thing that MN isn't like that; when groups form closed tribal echo chambers, they convince one another that their dysfunctional beliefs are healthy, and egg each other on in being too fragile to risk criticism or challenge.

But @TheWickedStepmum88 people don't need to be DSMs to have had experience of living with teenagers and that surely is what this thread is about.
In fact it's helpful to know DPs expectations of DCs as well as DSMs of DSCs because it gives a view on what is generally acceptable from a transport and room tidiness perspective for that age group.

No it's not, that's the thing you're not seeing. You can't vehemently claim that being a stepparent is NOT being a parent, and in the same breath claim that anyone who has kids is therefore qualified to comment on the woes of being a stepparent. If you can't acknowledge that then this discussion is useless.

Yes, non-stepparents can definitely have valid opinions on children's or teenagers behaviours but the post is "let me rant about my stepson", not "please discuss your own children's behaviour".

I can’t believe some of the comments on this thread.

I have an 11 yo. He is the baby of the family and spoilt rotten (mostly by his brother, who does everything for him).

But even he is capable of tidying his room, stripping and making his bed, washing a mug and getting himself some toast!

And btw, although I am not a step parent, I’ve had 5 step parents myself, so probably have some idea of the dynamics involved.

This was my SC until a year ago (now 13 & 16. They don’t do anything at mums house (she completely babies them). They have never stripped their beds, used a washing machine, they couldn’t even use the toaster & make toast for themselves because apparently it was too dangerous (I shit you not). They weren’t allowed to get public transport on their own. Couldn’t sort themselves out a bowl of cereal in the morning.

I reckon at the age of 13 I was doing my own washing & cooking for the family at least once a week. Of course, we aren’t allowed to compare now in case the snowflakes get offended.

A year ago I adopted the ‘NACHO’ SP method (Google it). Not my kids, not my problem. If the parents went to raise kids who can’t do ANYTHING for themselves it’s not my problem (and I don’t do it for them). Your OH will soon get tired of doing everything for helpless kids.

I understand OP, my DP babies his 12yo too. I think he just doesn't really think about it and he doesn't know any other kids of his age so has no comparison.

It would be one thing if your DH was doing all of this for him, but expecting you to do it is not on, so I don't blame you, especially the school run thing when you're having to drag other young children with you.

@sadpapercourtesan

people who are not stepparents, have never been stepparents, and likely didn't grow up with stepparents

and which of the posters who have disagreed with the OP are you identifying as belonging to the above categories, @TheWickedStepmum88 ? You're probably wrong, btw. You have no idea what other people's life experiences. The above poster who assumed I had no older children was wrong. The subsequent poster who assumed that those disagreeing with OP must have babied their children was wrong.

Additionally, it's a mistake to assume that if someone's life experiences don't align exactly with yours in every particular, then they have no insight to offer you. The stepparent forums you mention - they're echo chambers, and famous for it. It's a good thing that MN isn't like that; when groups form closed tribal echo chambers, they convince one another that their dysfunctional beliefs are healthy, and egg each other on in being too fragile to risk criticism or challenge.

I don't entirely disagree with you here, but I identify a different echo chamber to you. It would be fantastic to just have practical, level headed criticism on step parenting threads but the default is for a very loud and impassioned echo chamber of posters who hold the general consensus on here, which is very negative towards blended families on principle, to wade in with criticism that is totally useless because it is just absurdly extreme. They convince one another that their dysfunctional beliefs are healthy, and egg each other on in their fragile reactions to simple situations.

It's tough having a 12 year old. Not really a child but not a teenager either. I still make breakfast for my 12 year old DD and also drop her to school and pick her up. She probably could make her own way but at 12 it's a difficult time getting used to senior school etc. If he is otherwise generally well behaved and kind like you said on your post I would give him some slack. Untidy rooms are part and parcel of teenagers I'm afraid. You will probably feel differently when your own children are teenagers, similar to 'before I have children I would never do XYZ..'

@woowoowaa

It's tough having a 12 year old. Not really a child but not a teenager either. I still make breakfast for my 12 year old DD and also drop her to school and pick her up. She probably could make her own way but at 12 it's a difficult time getting used to senior school etc. If he is otherwise generally well behaved and kind like you said on your post I would give him some slack. Untidy rooms are part and parcel of teenagers I'm afraid. You will probably feel differently when your own children are teenagers, similar to 'before I have children I would never do XYZ..'

I can see this argument when it comes to things like getting driven to school, but I also think that the story OP tells about the dirty glasses incident really demonstrates that this lack of self sufficiency is taking it a bit far.