Can I please just have a rant about my husband and step son

[GratefullyDecline]

And how much my husband babies him. It infuriates me.

My step son is 12, nearly 13, and is never made to lift a finger, ever, to do anything.

And it's honestly starting to really annoy me. When I grew up, chores were just part of life. My parents were never hugely strict but by that age I was expected to do small things to help out, tidy my room, wash up sometimes, set the table, that sort of thing.

My step son is made to do nothing at all. He's never washed a glass, set the table, has tidied his room less times than I can count on one hand. He doesn't even make his own breakfast before school my husband rushes around in the morning making sure he's got a bowl of cereal placed in front of him whilst he sits there watching TV.

I'm a SAHM and sometimes help out in the mornings. But I am now refusing to take him to school unless the weather calls for it. I'm not messing all the other children around driving a 12 year old 15 minutes down the road. At that age I was getting on public transport for 40 minutes to two towns away to go to school! I also refuse to sort his breakfast out too and if he doesn't make any for himself (which I shout down to him and tell him to do) then that's tough, we'll still be leaving.

His room is absolutely disgraceful. I have given up asking for it to be tidied because DH doesn't enforce it. But I won't go in there to do things now like change bed sheets etc.. there is just shit everywhere, all over the floor, rubbish etc.

I've just had enough and am now completely detaching. Whenever I bring anything up to H he says it's nothing to do with me if he wants to make him breakfast or whatever, fine no it's not (even though it still annoys me watching it), but I'm not going to be expected to do the same.

He says I won't be as hard on my DC when they are that age and I'll be exactly the same which is absolutely not true. I absolutely plan (and do already) to get my children to do some small age appropriate things around the house and I certainly won't be rushing about every morning making pieces of toast for teenagers! My toddler already knows to put toys away and things when asked.

I appreciate this is not my step sons fault, he's never been made to do these things but it's just making me resentful of the whole situation. I understand teenagers are lazy, I'm not expecting the world. But even if he was just asked to do some things, keep his room tidy or whatever, I'd feel better. Even if he didn't actually do it in a weird way?! At least I'd feel like DH had some actual expectations of him and how he treat the house if that makes sense? I used to pull my face at being asked to tidy my room and it wasn't always tidy at all, but my parents still told me to do it, I couldn't have just gotten away with being treated like a 5 year old all the time.

Driving me nuts.

@Whatayear81

Let me guess

Even aside from this issue - you just do not like you stepson do you? Hate the week he comes… yes?

50% of his life with a step mum who resents him. Lovely

Yikes. Tell me you're insecure in your relationship and terrified of your SO leaving you without telling me you're insecure in your relationship and terrified of your SO leaving you.

@TheWickedStepmum88

There are many reasons why people crave echo chambers where they can be sure of validating responses, none of them healthy.

The constant demonising of stepparents, however, super healthy behaviour. Especially for those who are already at their lowest.

Nobody has been demonised on this thread. People have politely disagreed with OP's position, and explained their reasoning in a rational manner. This would not happen in an echo chamber, which would certainly be more comfortable for OP, but would achieve nothing. MN does have a reputation for being a bit more challenging than most communities - if people disagree with you, they will tell you.

@Whatayear81

Let me guess

Even aside from this issue - you just do not like you stepson do you? Hate the week he comes… yes?

50% of his life with a step mum who resents him. Lovely

Let me guess... you have absolutely no experience of this and are talking out of your arse, making yourself look like an absolute fool. Lovely.

@Whatayear81

Let me guess

Even aside from this issue - you just do not like you stepson do you? Hate the week he comes… yes?

50% of his life with a step mum who resents him. Lovely

Why would it mean I don't like him aside from this issue? Have I said anything like that?

He has lots of positives, he's very kind, and funny and he's a lovely big brother to my children, absolutely dotes on them.

This is one issue/problem which yes makes me resentful, not of him but of this situation.

I don't enjoy this part of him staying no, but again, it's one part of it, not all of it. I do like him.

Nobody has been demonised on this thread. People have politely disagreed with OP's position, and explained their reasoning in a rational manner.

Erm no, you might have done, but others have jumped to wild conclusions and projected heavily.

@sadpapercourtesan I understand where you're coming from but I don't see the point or the value of commenting or voicing my opinion on things I have absolutely no lived experience of. It's so incredibly self righteous to me to think your opinion matters so much.

Do you have children of your own that are not your husband's?

I do think it is easy with pre school children to imagine the kind of parent you will be to a teenager. It is hard for a teenage boy to live in a home with much younger children. No doubt your own children are the focus of your life but that focus can make your step son feel excluded.
Your husband probably feels guilty and he is desperate to show his son that he is loved and cherished too.
Be kind to him

That is seriously worrying.
That he thinks like that in the first place,and that his father panders to him.

A big part of being a parent is equipping your DC with the skill necessary for independent life

Treating a 12 year old like toddler is really stupid. He is creating a person who expects others to be at his beck and call.

As a step mum to a now adult and with two boys of a similar age to your step son I think you need to give him a bit more time to grow up . It’s probably not far off him being ready for all of these responsibilities but I’d expect gradual progress on some things whilst others that seem obvious aren’t to him. I think you need to take some deep breathes like all parents of almost / new teens need to

Be kind to him

I am kind to him. But I'm not going to do all this ridiculous running round after him.

@GratefullyDecline

It would be interesting to know if his Mum treats him the same as his father, ie babies him, or actually gives him chores to do

Do you have children of your own that are not your husband's?

No my DC are DHs too.

[quote Chloemol]@GratefullyDecline

It would be interesting to know if his Mum treats him the same as his father, ie babies him, or actually gives him chores to do[/quote]
She does treat him the same yes.

As far as I can tell obviously.

Being kind does not equate to skivvying for a child old enough to be doing a bit more for themselves.
Sure living in a blended family unit with younger siblings has its challenges. Can't see that prevents a young person developing some life skills.
My DSC lived with us half the time and I like them very much but no way was I running around treating them like toddlers.

@Earwigworries

As a step mum to a now adult and with two boys of a similar age to your step son I think you need to give him a bit more time to grow up . It’s probably not far off him being ready for all of these responsibilities but I’d expect gradual progress on some things whilst others that seem obvious aren’t to him. I think you need to take some deep breathes like all parents of almost / new teens need to

Like the responsibility for washing a cup or putting a piece of bread in a toaster?

Are these really responsibilities?

OP, Do you have children of your own that are not your husband's?
If you have shared much younger children, do you see that your stepson may feel excluded?
Can you see that your husband is probably aware of this and he is trying to make his son feel loved? it may not be the way you choose but your husband is trying to make amends to your stepson.
It cannot be easy to be your stepson in a house where the younger children live permanently and he is a bi weekly guest.

I think it must be terribly difficult to have a child in the house whose parents have different ways of parenting to you.
Even when one brings up children together from the start there are differences in how one was brought up oneself which can cause friction.
There isn't a right way and a wrong way and your circumstances and your personality and those of your DC all play apart in making a path through childhood and adolescence.
I think you would find it easier if you accept to some extent that your DH does things differently and that he is no more wrong than you are right.I totally agree with you that it is your home and that there may be some things that are red lines eg possibly dropping DSS to school. I would also expect any older child in the family to consider everyone else and to consider their effect on their little siblings.
Some battles aren't worth fighting over ; messy room might be in this category. Some of the things don't really matter eg making the DCs breakfast ( i liked the routine in the morning to make the day start smoothly).Some might matter and these you should discuss. No need to sound as if you think you know best though ; you just have different styles .

My step children were treated like this. Particularly eldest who had a huge sense of entitlement and who would demand to be run around after.

We agreed as a compromise that we would drive them the 20 mins walk to school but they would walk home.

What actually happened is that my son walked home and his kids were chauffeured home (different home times because different schools). He always had "time" to pick up his kids or was "just passing".

All grown up now. The eldest was particularly pandered to and had an entitled attitude. She has a husband who does everything at home and for their child and she has suffered a lot from depression.

I have no idea if the Disney parenting made her like this but based on how others were treated and how they have turned out, I think it has done her no favours at all.

SS sounds like a pretty normal 13yo (my own ds's room is a tip) but your dh is being ridiculous to insist on the getting him breakfast and running him to school.

And to those saying OP is mean - Sometimes just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. At this age they need to have some independence.
I could run my dc's to the bus stop every morning (sahm) but I don't unless it's chucking down. The walk does them good and they KNOW they have to leave the house at 7.30 to be at the bus stop for 7.45. A good lesson in life and about so much more than good timekeeping.

I think your DH has to recognise that there will be future problems here if there is an obvious disparity in the way that children in the home are treated.

Perhaps if he can at least see that, he can acknowledge the value of rules and routines that universally in your shared home.

Then negotiate one thing at a time to change, slow progress, rather than a sudden overall change?

I'm in team chores, definitely. I think it is good for kids to understand the responsibilities we have on a day to day basis. Mine are 10, 7 and 3. DSes aged 10 and 7 have ADHD. There rooms are messy, but they tidy them once a week. They set the table for dinner, clear it after the meal and while I wash and sort the clothes, both fold their own piles and put them away. That probably makes us sound more organised than we are -living with ADHD in the house is pretty chaotic- but these are the things that manage well on a regular basis. They know that we do everything for DD aged 3 -but that she'll start with these things at 6. We also progress in an age appropriate way -10 year old comes and helps me with some dinner prep once table set, and gets his own breakfast (and lunch at weekends).

Not a blended family so we've followed our instincts naturalistically; I wonder if in a blended family you need more explicit house rules. E.g. Children over 6 do XYZ, Childen over 8 do ABC etc. That way you depersonalise it -describing what applies to everyone rather than just DSS. As long as you are prepared to see it through, so he sees his younger half siblings treated in the same manner?

Ideally though, DSS would have the same rules in both homes. The child centred way of dealing with this stuff is by nesting -child has a "nest" that each parent comes and goes from, so their life is the same all the time with stability, stable rules and expectations. Not often practical in reality, but applying the principle here would be creating universal rules that apply and suit both families who share custody/residency.

@Twicklette

OP, Do you have children of your own that are not your husband's? If you have shared much younger children, do you see that your stepson may feel excluded? Can you see that your husband is probably aware of this and he is trying to make his son feel loved? it may not be the way you choose but your husband is trying to make amends to your stepson. It cannot be easy to be your stepson in a house where the younger children live permanently and he is a bi weekly guest.

DSS needs to be raised to become a functioning adult, not just coddled in the belief that learning basic life skills and chores = not being loved.

Oh well.

He needs to be asked to do things for himself and stop being so lazy. Your husband needs to stop babying him and give him appropriate instructions and boundaries.