AIBU

[random68]

"DP" finally admitted that his children didn't like us being together and me being there (ex lives with her partner) but he didn't understand why I found it difficult to spend time with them! Why don't I spend weekends there when his children are with him? I'm wasting my time trying to get him to understand?! Surely it's obvious. I've tried to distance myself when they're with him so he spends one on one time with them as they need that. He doesn't get that. He just says that I don't want to spend time with them and I have a problem with them!!

He needs to get his kids in line - at 11 and 13 and six years later they need to learn to accept that their parents won't get back together and that they need to be polite and respect you, period. Since when should children decide whether a parent has a relationship or not? Some of the comments on here are nuts.

He's letting them get away with rude, disrespectful behaviour and then resenting you for not being keen? No way. Does he come to yours when you have your children? How does that go?

My children like him and get on well with him when he's here.

He's finally got it as his eldest daughter didn't want me and my children to come to her birthday tomorrow! He said he didn't know whether to force the issue and say we were coming! I said we definitely weren't coming and I did have some self respect and it isn't just about what he wants.

I think it's reasonable to say we aren't going to the party because it's SD wish.

If it's getting you to be uncomfortable or him, he's clearly happy to make this your problem. If he really wants to he can speak to SD about the issue but I suspect he feels it would be easier for you to capitulate.

Tell him to swing and hopefully he will address the issue that he's been keeping his eyes closed to for bloody forever. Keep us posted !

Similar ages to my step kids ages when DH and I got together OP.

Am I right in assuming that you and your ex AND DP have not managed to co-ordinate kid free and "kid weekends" at the same time? I only say that because you don't seem to be trying to blend two families together otherwise that would be a whole different thread!

There's no need at all for you to be there on his contact time with his kids. It's important for him to spend time with them independently of you. I don't have kids of my own but I used to regularly spend one weekend a fortnight with my now SC and one weekend away.

Honestly if he's living probably 90% of his month kid free and you're not the last thing you need to do is belt into a contact weekend where all they want is their dad to themselves.

I think in the 8 years I've been with my DH a huge proportion of our time has been spent discussing what's right and important for his kids. And we only had a 50% hit rate (stepson loves me to bits, adult SD wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire in the street but that's not for lack of trying) if he's not ready to have a rational and adult conversation about both of your needs AND what the kids need then it's only going to get worse in time.

We both have our children the same weekend so every other weekend we are both child free. However, he always wants us to do things as a 6 when we have the children but his children never wanted to come so I said it was best he just spent time with them as that was what they wanted / needed. However, then he started to say I never wanted to spend time with his children when it was the other way round. But now his daughter has actually said she didn't want us there he can't blame it on me. Honestly, why am I still hanging on. I should just say it's over but it's not so easy to actually do that.

Also, he's the one that said I need to compromise even though he moved away to be closer to his children. I have to see him on my child free weekends as he only goes out when he doesn't see his children which is 90% of the time. So he gets to do what he wants but I have to spend every weekend I don't have the children with him from Friday evening to Monday morning!

I think your answering your own questions here OP and rightly so. I don't think you're being treated very fairly him him to be honest. Does he ever ask you what you want/need to do with your time and your children?

Time to tell him how selfish he's being for wanting everyone else, you and his kids, to do things they don't want to do because it's what he prefers. Point out this will lead to no one wanting to spend any time with him. I would say you want a break for the next two weekends and he can think over whether he can change.

The daughter said she didn't want us there because we aren't part of their family so I said I'm done. We don't want to see them either. Had enough of the drama.

The reply I got was "I'm sorry you feel like that"!

I think you're wasting your time with this one Op.
He doesn't respect your choices or his DC's, it's all about what he wants. In your place I'd tell him I'm happy to date but the families stay completely seperate, you don't see his DC and he doesn't see yours.
I think his answer will tell you everything you need to know

I've texted to say never to contact me again basically because he's turned his phone off for the day so he can spend a nice day with his parents and children. Obviously he hasn't read the text as it's turned off and I have no way of contacting him. After all these years, I guess that's what he's chosen but still so very hurtful.

I'm sorry you're felling hurt by this @Random68 but I really do think in time you'll see it's for the best. Why settle for a relationship where his DC will always be a thorn in your side?
I hope you'll find a better, kinder DP who doesn't want to run your life for you

Thank you. I really appreciate it.