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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU

40 replies

random68 · 08/01/2022 17:36

"DP" finally admitted that his children didn't like us being together and me being there (ex lives with her partner) but he didn't understand why I found it difficult to spend time with them! Why don't I spend weekends there when his children are with him? I'm wasting my time trying to get him to understand?! Surely it's obvious. I've tried to distance myself when they're with him so he spends one on one time with them as they need that. He doesn't get that. He just says that I don't want to spend time with them and I have a problem with them!!

OP posts:
Mogul · 08/01/2022 17:53

There's nothing wrong with you not wanting to spend time with them, you're with him in spite of his kids not because of them.

As long as you are polite when you see them that's all that's needed

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2022 17:55

Fucking hell, end it now. All this drama over his kids, it's not worth it.

Original poster
random68 · 08/01/2022 18:07

I've always tried to be nice but when they refused to meet up with us on several occasions I said it was better if we didn't force it and he spent time with them. They don't open birthday or Christmas presents if I give them one. They hate that their parents aren't together anymore but I can't change that. Their mum is with someone else. I try but he just says I don't like them and can't understand why I don't want to spend time with them even though they don't want to and I have no desire to put myself through a completely miserable time!

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 08/01/2022 18:30

I think you're doing the right thing op. Why would you waste your weekend time with children that dislike you?

He sounds like he's trying to create a happy family situation without putting in the work with his children.

candlelightsatdawn · 08/01/2022 18:33

Ahhh so he recognises the problem (the children are upset) but he thinks your a easier target to get to capitulate so he's more comfortable?

Regardless of how you and the kids feel. That's a red flag. He's essentially putting him self at top priority.

Whatever you do don't bloody cave ! Say you can continue how you are currently or not at all ? He has a choice it's just not the choice he wants. Don't be backed into a corner !

Original poster
random68 · 08/01/2022 18:47

Thank you. That's what I thought but needed outside opinions. He wants to play happy families but doesn't actually give a damn how anybody feels.

OP posts:
candlelightsatdawn · 08/01/2022 19:36

@random68 it's concerning that he's actually not listening to the children and respecting what they are saying and your saying about comfort levels. The more he's pushes there less likely the children are to come around.

Clearly the kids are struggling with this and it's not morally on you to fix. They are grieving the family that no longer exists.

Some could argue well they have to come to terms at some point however- that coming to terms won't happen if dad doesn't put in the work to strengthen their bond and force you into evil step mum role !

KiloWhat · 08/01/2022 20:08

@random68

Thank you. That's what I thought but needed outside opinions. He wants to play happy families but doesn't actually give a damn how anybody feels.
Yes and to be honest I'd be worried that he isn't listening to his kids. They don't seem ready for him to have a new partner. I would split up personally and then who knows in 5 years time things might have settled down a bit but I wouldn't waste time hoping for it. You're at different life stages.
Original poster
random68 · 08/01/2022 20:12

I think he's just not listening full stop or doesn't want to hear it or do anything about it.

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 08/01/2022 20:16

Has this issue with my recent ex. He was always saying I didn’t like his kids. I liked them fine, I just didn’t like how obvious they made it that I was in the way, even down to moaning that they didn’t want me to stay the night because it was “their” bed Hmm and saying that if he won the lottery that he could get back with their mum (we’d been together 5 years at this point!)

Step families are hard. There’s a reason 75% of second marriages end in divorce. Unless both parties are able to talk and listen without defensiveness and put their relationship on a level with the DCs as a priority it will never end well.

It sounds like he wants everything/everyone where he wants them so that he doesn’t feel torn between you all. But he doesn’t care that it’s not what’s best for you or any of the DCs. Expecting all of you to uproot yourselves because his job ‘might’ take him anywhere is ridiculous.

You’re doing the right thing by giving him time and space with his DCs and if he can’t see that then he’s a shit dad as well as a shit partner.

Original poster
random68 · 08/01/2022 20:29

I fear he might be both of those things.

OP posts:
Geppili · 09/01/2022 18:58

""DP" finally admitted that his children didn't like us being together and me being there (ex lives with her partner) but he didn't understand why I found it difficult to spend time with them."

This is gaslighting behaviour.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/01/2022 19:02

It’s not unreasonable if you to avoid, but I see it’s slightly hard work for him if you can’t get on.

How old are they, do they get on with their mother’s partner, how long have your P snd his ex been separated, and how long have you and P lived together?

Tattler2 · 09/01/2022 20:05

It is possible to have a romantic relationship that does not involve spending time with children. Is he looking for a parenting figure or spouse? If not, it seems unfortunate that he cannot compartmentalize his life so that it works for all of you.

He seems to be a bit rigid and possibly controlling.

Original poster
random68 · 09/01/2022 21:12

They are 11 and 13 and I think they get on well with his ex's partner who
Lives with them. They've been separated for 6 years so it's not a recent thing. I don't live with DP.

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Original poster
random68 · 09/01/2022 21:14

He wants me to stay at his when he has his children and mine are at their dad's.

OP posts:
onedayoranother · 09/01/2022 21:25

Kinda surprised at the responses here. If you said 'my partner doesn't ever put effort to be with my kids and is now avoiding spending any time with them or me when they are here' I bet many would say 'your kids are your priority' 'he wants you he has to accept your kids'.
You are with a father, the kids are part of his life and they are his priority. If I was him I'd be saying it's all of us or none of us. He could have a word with his children about their attitude, but you aren't helping.

Original poster
random68 · 09/01/2022 21:29

That's not what is happening though. I did put in lots of effort and stayed there and did things with them but they don't want me there. I gave them space to be together but he's pushing for us to do things together even though they don't want me there.

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Original poster
random68 · 09/01/2022 21:30

I have always been nice to them. They just don't like the fact that their dad no longer lives with them all the time.

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RoyKentsChestHair · 09/01/2022 21:31

@random68

He wants me to stay at his when he has his children and mine are at their dad's.
Yeah I had this too. Got a night off from parenting what I really want is to go and parent someone else’s kids! He even brought his DDs and 2 nieces round one weekend when I didn’t have mine. Just wanted someone else to entertain them so he didn’t have to.
Original poster
random68 · 09/01/2022 21:32

How am I not helping?

OP posts:
Original poster
random68 · 09/01/2022 21:40

It actually really gets me down. I could be the nicest person in the world and it wouldn't make any difference. I've asked him to try to get to the bottom of it and he said he thought they didn't like him being with me or anyone for that matter. I don't particularly want to spend my weekend in a house where I'm unwelcome!

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KylieKoKo · 10/01/2022 00:03

@onedayoranother I don't think the op isn't making an effort here. I think the parents of the children haven't adequately supported their children to accept the break up and because of this they don't want to spend time with the op. Instead of the dad seeing this as an issue he needs to work through with the children he's trying to force them to spend time with her in the hopes that they'll magically accept her.

Iwonder08 · 10/01/2022 08:59

OP, is he really that amazing so he is worth all this unpleasantness?
If he is I would say to him once more exactly what you said here. The reason why you are not spending time with them is because they don't want you to. You have made an effort before. It doesn't work. If the situation changes you will be open to it.

Original poster
random68 · 10/01/2022 18:49

I agree totally with your comments. I wanted an outside perspective as don't trust my judgment any more but you've confirmed exactly what I was thinking.

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