Is it ok to distance/do my own thing/basically give up?

[TheRussianDoll]

Anyone in my position? After 16yrs together with ups and downs and trying and not trying and one SC not seeing us for 4 years (they’re all adults now), how can I disengage and not upset DH?

Am now a step grand parent but am known only by my name as my SD preferred to just have her mum and husband’s mum as ACTUAL “grandmas”. It’s fine. I wasn’t offended by that. Their child is 2 and gorgeous though they do live miles away and with Covid we’ve not seen as much as we’d hoped of them.

We’ve just had Christmas and no visits for any of his “children”. DH was upset. I’m upset for him. We sent gifts and cards for all kids, their partners and DGC, as we always do, and they FaceTimed us on Christmas Day to say thank you. But, no card or anything even for DH. DH usually receives something. They share photos with DH and these he then shares in our family album. I’m tolerated rather than included. I’ve tried. God! HOW I HAVE TRIED!

What I’ve tentatively said to DH is that they’re always welcome, which they are, but that he might want to visit them more often and it’s OK not to include me. I’ve lost my mum and dad in the last 2 yrs, DH has been poorly, my own son has been I’ll (still is). I nearly lost my sister in June. She’s still being treated but, it’ll be a long process. We’re all in our 60’s.

Is it ok for me to say “enough”? I’m fast reaching the stage where my enthusiasm has waned to the point of pretty much non existent after all of these years. Have to say, DH and I met 3 years after his wife left him. We married after a 4 Yr relationship. His kids were teens then and we didn’t want to rush anything. But… I’m STILL an outsider.

I would definitely take a step back. Encourage your dh to visit, perhaps you are seeing a very good friend that day and your friend cannot change the date. As for presents invest less. Done both any effort into gifts for the SD or her partner. If your dh wants to buy something specific then let him crack on. If you have to but them something them make it generic e.g. Chocolates wine from the supermarket.
It must be dreadful for your dh especially if he has been a kind and caring father.

Take a step back, enjoy your 60's and leave them to it. You've done more than enough.

Ok have you had a look at nachoing ? The premise is you step back and go I love you DH but I'm gonna tale a massive step back on the SC and let you middle through it.

Think of it like a defensive position to take, especially with everything going on in your life right now (that's a lot of loss for such a short space of time - and I'm so sorry 💐)
You are of course entitled to step back and do what you need to do to be happy. Are you happy ?

I would also suggest to DH to maybe have one more chat with DC see what the problem is and if he doesn't get to the root cause of it, for him to step back to. You can lead a horse to water and all that.

Be gentle with yourself !

I wouldn't be having any more chats, step back and look after yourself. Let DH visit them and organise any gifts.

It sounds as though the relationship is distant but not particularly unpleasant. What does stepping back from people that you rarely see even mean.

You can stop.sending the holiday gifts, but is that going to enhance your life in anyway. If you have not seen 1child in 4 years, it would seem that neither you nor they may have made any tremendous effort to reach out

Your relationship seems to muddle along but other than stopping the holiday giving what else is there to step back from?

Given the COVID situation, many families have spent less time together in the past 2 years, so that might explain a bit of the recent distance.

As you are both getting along in years, what is to be gained by changing anything in this situation? Perhaps your husband could say to them that he would like to see more of them and ask how that can be worked out?

A distant but civil relationship may be the best that you can hope for, if a closer familial connection has not evolved over these many years.

Thank you for the replies. I may have made it sound worse than it is. At first, it was awful, years ago. I could be in the room, speak and be totally ignored. Then, one sd just stopped coming. For years. DH supported me and we never stopped inviting them all but it was dreadful for both of us. Worse obviously for DH. Then, one day, she just came problem wasn’t discussed and on we went!

Thing is, I love helping to choose the gifts etc. Love seeing the photos. Look forward to the visits but then I’m left on the sidelines. They chat with me when DH is in the room but don’t bother if it’s just me and them. They might be in their phones etc. Anyway, I’m busy when they’re with us because we’re good hosts, I think.

I just feel that it’s genuinely for DH to enjoy them. He adores them and is loving having grandchildren but I’m just an “add on”. They’ve no interest in me. They’re extremely successful and clever. Each have bought properties in the £400k+ bracket last year. My family are a bit less “impressive”. Much of what they discuss is above me to be fair. I’m not unintelligent I’m just “ordinary”.

My closest friends feel it’s OK for me to retreat. I still want to be “interested” because I am; it’s just that I can take or leave being in a room with them. It’s such hard work.

All of a sudden, I feel life’s too short for being tolerated.

In your shoes I would be finding my own interest, getting a ddog-and leaving them all to it. Sorry to say it but your dh has raised some frankly rude and ignorant offspring.. Keep your purse shut in future and leave the gifts to dh.

Also, DH and I chat about what they’re up to and I do genuinely love to hear it all but at the heart of it, I know if DH wasn’t here, I’d likely never hear from them again. DH had a cancer scare just before Christmas and everyone has noticed how ill he looks and yet again, Christmas/New Year no card no visit. He’s still being investigated as something IS wrong with him, it’s just finding out what it is.

When his daughter stopped coming she was a teen (17, I think) and we both wrote/called/bought Xmas/birthday gifts in case she came. As I say, it took four years. We did reach out, both of us.

I think in your shoes I would take a step back. You can only do so much.

In my situation my FIL's partner has made it very clear that all communication is to go via my DH and FIL she is not to be involved. She does make a very good guard dog and everything has to go through her for all medication related stuff 🤷‍♀️

It’s ok to distance yourself to stop it hurting when you are ignored and sidelined yet again. That doesn’t stop your husband having whatever relationship he can manage with his children and grandchildren.

What I’ve tentatively said to DH is that they’re always welcome, which they are, but that he might want to visit them more often and it’s OK not to include me.

This is fine. It’s good. Keep it bright and breezy. “Oh, I am sorry not to see you all, but I’m doing xxx. Have fun with your dad and hope to see you all soon.” And disengage and do your own thing.

I mean this kindly, because you sound lovely, but do you think some of the problem has historically been that your DH has tried too hard to include you, and not enough individually on his own behalf with his children?

This was certainly the case with my FIL and I can imagine his second wife writing your posts to an extent (although no one would ever ignore her etc).

The issue was he was so set on them having the relationship as a couple that he refused to develop his relationships with his DC as individuals. Perhaps he didn’t know how. But he totally failed to see that a second wife’s relationship with teen-to-adult DC is not at all like how it was with their mother when they were together as a family.

He would say his DC ‘never got in touch’. They would say their dad ‘never got in touch’ with them. Presents on birthdays and occasions chosen by his wife didn’t count to them. They just wanted the opportunity for a coffee and a chat with him on his own.

So you may find ‘stepping back’ improves everyone’s relationships.

Have also had to make Wills recently and was aghast to hear one of “the girls” had said she’d like something of mine. Can’t say what it is but DH has asked me to leave it for her because she’s expressed a liking for it. My mum left it to me and it’s worth a few thousand pounds. I never wear it to be honest, as it’s too big for me but not having a daughter, I suppose SD thought it was Ok to ask? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’ve said “OK” but I feel it wasn’t nice considering she rarely looks at me when we speak. I always compliment her on her clothing/hair/new job (recently) but find myself switching off inside. Like I’m just going through the motions because I don’t want to upset DH. He’s a wonderful man. Wonderful father. I mean, she does always look lovely so I’m not saying it just for effect IYKWIM.

Last time we saw the grandchildren I was asked not to do certain things. I apologised and said “yes of course, I can see that” but now it’s made me a bit nervous of doing the wrong thing!

It’s a minefield!

OP, do what works for you, and leave them to what works for them. It would appear that what you have is what has evolved over time. It is hard to understand how you can step further back , but if you wish to do things differently ,you should do so.

Regrettably, sometimes even when we offer all the we can, it is not always what is needed. Resolution for some situations may be beyond our control.

Make your peace with the situation in the way that works best for you. Only your husband and his children can find the relationship that works for them.

@NoSquirrels… Yes! I think that’s entirely possible. I used to say he ought to meet up with them at Uni or in town for lunch/whatever, just them or him with each of them, in turn. I explained that reasonably, they wanted time with Dad, not dad and his new wife. He found this difficult and rare did it. He’s gotten better, over time. I want him to have a lovely time with them but I’m not that bothered, after all of these years of what seems like being barely tolerated. They look at me as if to say “Oh, it’s you again!” 😂

I wouldn’t think too much about it, just take a step back and concentrate on what is important, what is around you and the people you care for and those who care for you.

I have found that leaving DP to deal with everything related to his children works much better for everyone. I am still ignored all the time but at l am no longer offended as I am not at the receiving end of constant blanking, ingratitude or rudeness. I just send them a token gift at Christmas for which I never get a thank you (not that I got them when I was spending far more money anyway) and forget about them until next Christmas.

I am sure they have not even realised I have taken a step back

No your will is for you to decide. She's a cheeky moo.

I'd just step back. Don't have to be nasty about it just don't get involved.

OP, come on! Enough is enough!

1. change your will. Do NOt leave anything to anybody that you don't want to. You have a son and you can leave your things to him. He may want the jewellery (I assumed jewellery) to remember you by/ give to his own children/sell. The point is, you leave it to who you like regardless of son or daughter.

2. Your husband needs to be more proactive without you. I can just imagine what he is like. My dad always has to have my mum go to things with him, he is so uncomfortable without her. Your husband needs to get better at this.

3. You have done enough. Time to stop. You are completely right - you don't need to be tolerated! Who has got time for that! Carry on being interested (if you like), carry on enjoying the photos. No, you don't have to see them. Absence might make their heart grow fonder!

I bet a dcat's home would make use of the value of the item op.
Or personally I would insist on being buried in it.. I am enraged as I understand it your dh has accepted the bloody shoddy treatment of you incase he risked his own relationship with them. Which he hasn't really got anyway because he is such a walkover..

I could be the SD in this story. I was 10 when my dad left us. And 17 when I was finally introduced to the 'step mother' with whom he had lived for several years by this point. How did I find out? My grandmother - who I despised- told us. Clearly that may be much 'bigger' than your situation @TheRussianDoll but it nearly killed me.

Since then I have found it hard to engage with the woman. Largely as I don't trust my dad. He drifts in and out of our lives when it suits him. We got birthday cards with a cheque inside all written by her. I find out what is going on in his life 3rd hand - through a neighbour of his who my daughter knows... even when he ended up in hospital. If we get invited it is at her doing. Her grandchildren are grown up so there are no toys left in their house now... His youngest grandchild is just 6! I tolerate both of them these days - but I will never relax as I still expect him to ditch me again.

I'm not saying your situation is the same OP and I have written more than I intended here. But I'm just trying to say things may not look the same from the other side.

What would I want my 'step mother' (She will never be) to do? Nowadays she probably keeps herself out to a tolerable degree. I've made peace with the fact that my dad doesn't give a shit about me. But if I could advise her at at earlier stage. It would be to butt out. If she had any control to make him do his own cards etc and be more engaged. But it is too late for that now. We are probably 10-15 years ahead of you.

You should leave the things you own in your will to your DS, to do as he feels. Not to a person you have no family tie to - just being married to her father isn’t enough, if the relationship isn’t there (for whatever reason) you shouldn’t leave her your things.

It sounds like a husband problem all along, to be honest, which you’ve inadvertently enabled by trying to be the hostess and facilitator, all the while unwittingly exacerbating your husbands children’s feelings that their dad doesn’t do stuff with them himself.

You don’t say why his first marriage ended or what his relationship with his children was like in the years between that happening and meeting you. His relationship with them is key to this, not your relationship with them (or theirs with you).

It can be hard when you love him and see that their treatment hurts him.

But you cannot see it from their side as you don’t really know or understand their - probably very complex - feelings.

I think there's probably more to this.
My dad is pretty useless and I don't really like spending time with him and his new partner. When Christmas gifts, etc are clearly all bought by her it makes it more obvious that my dad doesn't give a shit about me. I know she's trying to do something nice, but I don't want it from her. If it was my own mum it probably wouldn't feel this way.

My dad is the sort who lets the woman deal with all the relationships so he's just kind of passed me on to his new partner, but it's him I would like the relationship with. I haven't seen him on his own without a partner being there for over 20 years.

@LittleOwl153 That sounds tough and maybe, as you say, it’s too late to retrieve the situation. DH’s wife left him for someone else. He didn’t leave and has always been very active in their lives. They shared custody and he bought his house 100yards away from their school. I cannot ever fault his love, involvement and commitment to his children. As children and now, as adults, so there’s a huge difference in our situations. I’m sorry for what’s happened to you. You cannot get that experience back, ever.

@nonflirtinghusband… that’s sad. No, DH and his 3 are very close, lots of hugs (not in Covid) and calls and texts (in Covid). If they have a problem or difficulty it’s dad they come to. They’re close, genuinely and always (apart from when sd “left”).

No, you don't leave something in your will to a SD who has no real relationship with you and simply wants your stuff. That's appalling CFery on her part and your DH's.

@saraclara

CFerry?