Is it ok to distance/do my own thing/basically give up?

[TheRussianDoll]

Anyone in my position? After 16yrs together with ups and downs and trying and not trying and one SC not seeing us for 4 years (they’re all adults now), how can I disengage and not upset DH?

Am now a step grand parent but am known only by my name as my SD preferred to just have her mum and husband’s mum as ACTUAL “grandmas”. It’s fine. I wasn’t offended by that. Their child is 2 and gorgeous though they do live miles away and with Covid we’ve not seen as much as we’d hoped of them.

We’ve just had Christmas and no visits for any of his “children”. DH was upset. I’m upset for him. We sent gifts and cards for all kids, their partners and DGC, as we always do, and they FaceTimed us on Christmas Day to say thank you. But, no card or anything even for DH. DH usually receives something. They share photos with DH and these he then shares in our family album. I’m tolerated rather than included. I’ve tried. God! HOW I HAVE TRIED!

What I’ve tentatively said to DH is that they’re always welcome, which they are, but that he might want to visit them more often and it’s OK not to include me. I’ve lost my mum and dad in the last 2 yrs, DH has been poorly, my own son has been I’ll (still is). I nearly lost my sister in June. She’s still being treated but, it’ll be a long process. We’re all in our 60’s.

Is it ok for me to say “enough”? I’m fast reaching the stage where my enthusiasm has waned to the point of pretty much non existent after all of these years. Have to say, DH and I met 3 years after his wife left him. We married after a 4 Yr relationship. His kids were teens then and we didn’t want to rush anything. But… I’m STILL an outsider.

[quote TheRussianDoll]@saraclara

CFerry?[/quote]
Cheeky Fucker-y

Cheeky fuckery.

And I agree! It’s your stuff, she sounds barely civil to you so fuck her and give it whomever else you can think of who’d appreciate it.

Who are you leaving the bulk of your assets to? He can leave his half to them but don’t feel you need to leave them anything.

On the general point, I’d step back in practical terms, focus on yourself and whatever makes you happy! And try to detach emotionally and mentally. My god you’ve tried but you’re not getting anything back so walk away and free yourself of a thankless burden. You’ve earned it.

Goodness. My boyfriend's children are nicer to me than this and we've only been dating for a year! I would definitely say go and do what makes you happy, including listening to the news about them via your dh. They undoubtedly know that they haven't been welcoming to you and people deal with that knowledge by becoming nastier... demonstrate that you have a happy life and they are likely to thaw. But you won't be waiting on them any more.

This resonates with me.

In terms of my SC, I’ve given help with rental deposits for the eldest, loaned (given) money, been interested in their career, helped them with CVs, application forms, navigating UC, cleaned their rental places and helped them with moving. Built furniture and have done DIY for them, etc.

With the teenage SDC I’ve cooked for them, washed the clothes they’re always dumping on the floor, helped with homework, done the whole parent evening thing and just generally been there for them for a number of years now. I choose and buy their Birthday and Christmas presents based on what they like and (judging by the reactions / use of the items) generally get it right.

But for my Birthdays or Christmas I don’t get cards or even a token present from any of them. It can feel very shit at times - like I’d barely be missed.

@saraclara That’s hilarious! I known a few of those but never knew the correct terminology!

The Will is half of the “estate” to my son. It allows for what I’ve contributed as a lump sum and over the years. I’m happy with that, on his behalf.

@PaterPower I think that’s the hardest thing. I, do not matter. That absolutely certain knowledge in the face of lovely DH’s “what do you mean, why don’t I go up to see them and spend a couple of days?” is just so wearying. I really don’t want to work that hard just to be in someone’s company. They laugh at my family and correct my pronunciation in conversation and I find myself getting quieter and quieter each time they’re here.

My family are diamonds in the rough, shall we say but would do anything for you. They’ve been so supportive with DH’s mystery illness.

They laugh at my family and correct my pronunciation in conversation

Ugh. They sound absolutely foul.

I think really, they’re just disappointed. Their mum’s affair put paid to an idyllic childhood where money was no object, holidays 2/3 times a year and a very lovely home/lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, their lives continued to an extent in this vein but it was a shock; mum and dad downsizing to two homes post divorce; dad “dating again” (long before I came along!). Mum’s affair came to nothing as the chap wouldn’t leave his wife; they had to pick up the pieces for her. It’s been tough. And then… after 4yrs dating me, dad gets married again which he’d said he’d never do. Sometimes, I don’t think it’s personal, no one would have been welcome. And, they’re adults now… good jobs, lovely homes, children.

I did read the “nachoing”. I think it’d be more doable if they were younger but now, at our respective ages, I just think it’d be OK to let DH enjoy them, with me very very (very) peripheral 😊

Thank you for so many replies. And yes, the Will will be altered. It IS CFery!