Another Covid related issue

[candlelightsatdawn]

So I'm a little torn. Anyone who wants to can see my previous posts re my current situation as there's a backstory but for the sake of speed the top facts are

• heavily pregnant with a high risk pregnancy due to medical complications with baby that we are hoping will be resolved by a op on birth. It went from 100% unlikely for baby to survive to about a 60% survival rate with the op if condition isn't too bad

• I wasn't the OW, they have been divorced for years and years and she's got a long term partner with a penchant for spending all household money on beer (which I feel for her because it seems on verge of financial abuse but she won't leave and it's not my place to say anything)

• DSD is 13

• good relationship with my DSD mum on the whole. She however has a view that Covid is made up, extreme view on the government and Covid and flat out Covid denier. As is her right - but I simply have a different view. She a couple of months ago made a rather unkind comment re baby (when told baby would have a chance of survival opposed to baby not surviving) - in previous post and I put it down to shock and her not realising that baby would actually be here. That is water under bridge as she later apologised.

Ok back to latest problem :

So Christmas Eve we were told she had Covid and that we couldn't have DSD over Christmas - it was our turn (unusual for her given her thoughts on Covid but thought she was being considerate of our current situation) we offered to drop food around get anything they need ect. Maybe not now as it turns out as she asked for £500 (but food not required) to make up for not seeing DSD and when we couldnt spare that as you know literally Christmas Eve and we don't have a magic money tree (she gets a good amount of change re maintenance ) she called me a bitch and my DH a crap dad and DSD clearly prefers her and she can see why and various other nasty things, again said she would be getting my pay included in maintenance as we were selfish as im the high earner and it totally should be included as it's "its not fair" . I would just add that we repeatedly helped out DM through December to help financially as I don't want to see DSD go without (both me and DH). Yes I'm a fool for doing this.

Anyway now DSD has tested positive for Covid today, both mum and DSD aren't poorly poorly just a bad cold for them which I'm very grateful for. She's now has asked DH for us to have DSD on Wednesday and it's all kicked off because she's essentially saying ah your pushing DSD out and his priority should be her. She's literally got Covid and I have a DD3 here who I also don't want to get Covid as it will have a knock on effect to my ex's house. The reason for all this, she needs to get out of house because she's bored with isolation.

For the love of god am I going mad ? This whole thing is making me miserable because the ex keeps making nasty comments when she doesn't get her way and I feel really like the evil step mum for saying I just want to keep safe.

@Vie8126 I'm hanging on by a thread tbh. I really can't rap my head around why a parent would do this to a child ?

Ok you hate your ex. Fair. But your kid needs their other parent too ? I just don't get the mentality.

I also if I put his shoes on know if I could come to peace with it if I'm honest. Let know know if there's any reading I can do on it ?

DSD is 13 so is now unfortunately not able to have the courts intervene as it will be her choice. Even if that "choice" was uttered by the mum. Really hard to prove esp with non neotypical child, then you have a child who will at some point chose her own contact (due to growing her own wings) and that will somehow be put on me.

Gah 😖 I don't want it to get to that place. I'm mentally stepping back but I feel like it's just never ending.

I'm sorry that you went through that it seems so common when a new baby arrives in SF. I'm glad your at the other end of things.

The true test of our marriage will be when baby arrives. If he doesn't kick this into turn then I will walk. For my child (not because it seems I have any self worth at all it seems) I did think I had some but I must have misplaced it somewhere.

@Candlelightsatdawn don't try to understand it I got caught with this in my head why, why was she doing this, why wasn't she thinking of her child. I think because I co-parent so amicably with my ex husband despite the awful way he treated me I just don't get it. I don't try to understand it. I know that dps ex will poison his daughter against him it's inevitable. I am also absolutely shit scared with anxiety about contact resuming as know all the bullshit will start up. It's a sorry state of affairs when our lives, my children and our ds life is better now with no contact. These woman are so damaging to their children and the families they come into contact with.

Parental. Alienation from what I have read is so hard to prove anyway so no idea how you would begin with your dsd.

It's natural to feel overwhelmed as it seems there is no stopping to their behaviour and it will just continue and continue. I think your DH needs to do some work on how much he will tolerate and you need to be clear on what your deal breakers are. Having had dsd here saying God awful things about her dad which are just not true I have made it clear thay I will not have our ds subjected to such things he either controls it or I will walk and I will not allow his bad choices to have any impact on our ds. Its bad enough my own children have questioned things she has been fed by her mother and told to repeat. It's all done to destroy happiness and have some control over dp and its the same with your dhs ex she can't stop you having a baby and getting married etc but she can control your DH moods via their dd. My DP says it doesn't work anymore he hasn't seen his dd since June last year but he sure as hell doesn't show it upsets him anymore as I will not tolerate that woman having control over my family to that extent.

I found it hard that HIS choices were having such a negative effect and controlling every positive thing so first scan she did something and the timing was when we was having the scan so when we came out he had the email and the scan was overshadowed by her shitty behaviour and that repeated. I haven't really read anything my DP had to do the work really to show that he was on our side and had the choice he either let's her destroy me and in turn our relationship and I walk with our ds or he puts barriers in place and safeguards us from her. It felt like a me vs her battle as he was so wishy washy at times and I just needed to know he had our backs as well as wanting to see his dd as it felt like he was going to do whatever at our detriment as the things his ex was doing were aimed at me and he would jusy say 'well what do you want me to do I cant do anything'

I've thought a lot about my own childhood and if she triggers things etc as thought that was my issue. It's not it was just letting her consume me tbh and that is what I've stopped. Just stopped. Don't give her the head space it's hard so bloody hard especially when it's so consuming but just concentrate on your baby and enjoying your pregnancy. Book a pregnancy massage or something if it gets too much go for a walk (not that I could really walk when heavily pregnant!) just breath walk away and count to 10 you'll find your coping mechanism.

Prayers for you OP