Another Covid related issue

[candlelightsatdawn]

So I'm a little torn. Anyone who wants to can see my previous posts re my current situation as there's a backstory but for the sake of speed the top facts are

• heavily pregnant with a high risk pregnancy due to medical complications with baby that we are hoping will be resolved by a op on birth. It went from 100% unlikely for baby to survive to about a 60% survival rate with the op if condition isn't too bad

• I wasn't the OW, they have been divorced for years and years and she's got a long term partner with a penchant for spending all household money on beer (which I feel for her because it seems on verge of financial abuse but she won't leave and it's not my place to say anything)

• DSD is 13

• good relationship with my DSD mum on the whole. She however has a view that Covid is made up, extreme view on the government and Covid and flat out Covid denier. As is her right - but I simply have a different view. She a couple of months ago made a rather unkind comment re baby (when told baby would have a chance of survival opposed to baby not surviving) - in previous post and I put it down to shock and her not realising that baby would actually be here. That is water under bridge as she later apologised.

Ok back to latest problem :

So Christmas Eve we were told she had Covid and that we couldn't have DSD over Christmas - it was our turn (unusual for her given her thoughts on Covid but thought she was being considerate of our current situation) we offered to drop food around get anything they need ect. Maybe not now as it turns out as she asked for £500 (but food not required) to make up for not seeing DSD and when we couldnt spare that as you know literally Christmas Eve and we don't have a magic money tree (she gets a good amount of change re maintenance ) she called me a bitch and my DH a crap dad and DSD clearly prefers her and she can see why and various other nasty things, again said she would be getting my pay included in maintenance as we were selfish as im the high earner and it totally should be included as it's "its not fair" . I would just add that we repeatedly helped out DM through December to help financially as I don't want to see DSD go without (both me and DH). Yes I'm a fool for doing this.

Anyway now DSD has tested positive for Covid today, both mum and DSD aren't poorly poorly just a bad cold for them which I'm very grateful for. She's now has asked DH for us to have DSD on Wednesday and it's all kicked off because she's essentially saying ah your pushing DSD out and his priority should be her. She's literally got Covid and I have a DD3 here who I also don't want to get Covid as it will have a knock on effect to my ex's house. The reason for all this, she needs to get out of house because she's bored with isolation.

For the love of god am I going mad ? This whole thing is making me miserable because the ex keeps making nasty comments when she doesn't get her way and I feel really like the evil step mum for saying I just want to keep safe.

It's really bought the worst out in some people. She literally wants to infect your household and potentially one other with Covid..I'm wary of her motives. It sounds like she actually wants to do you harm.

I hope your DH is the one receiving these requests and replying "of course not don't be silly"

@KiloWhat

I hope your DH is the one receiving these requests and replying "of course not don't be silly"

This.

Why isn't your DH putting in firm boundaries with her?

@RedWingBoots I think because mainly every time he does, she threatens contact, calls him a shit dad, feeds DSD nasty comments saying your dad is trying to replace you with baby (what DSD has said on phone tonight when DH checked in on her) . We have her 50/50 and more when it suits but at every point she's said ah well your shit dad and I'm stopping contact.

With the issues baby his MH hasn't been great. Neither mine actually the thought of putting the kids through another loss is just unbearable (something that she's also laboured on in past). We are just stressed up to eyeballs. He's doing all he can re MH medication and seeing therapist to set better boundaries with her.
It's telling the therapist has said that co parenting with someone like this isn't always achievable and it maybe a unreasonable route. Obviously these comments hurt. I'm not a bitch either but yet am called a bad step mums at every point, that I don't care about DSD and I really do. I'm not perfect but I go out of my way to treat DSD fairly.

We will go down court route if she keeps messing around but every time we do, she backs down plays nice so we halt it and then starts up again. Money isn't infinite to keep doing this weird but common pattern.

Really sad thing is neither of us can really withstand the swing, periods of calm then hell fire

I have no idea what the rules are anymore re isolation. I do know she's said she won't test DSD again, and if pushed she will probably lie say she has its negative and send her with Covid. Since it's just a "cold" and then we all have to isolate if we catch it.

Now DH is dealing with the fall out from DM words with DSD and is upset DSD upset and frankly so am I. She's only a girl and the only reason why I put up with this rubbish and try to keep the peace is for her.

Even without your pregnancy she shouldn't come, she needs to stay in whichever home she got the result in, so with her mum.

If mum won't test again it's a 10 day isolation.

It's telling the therapist has said that co parenting with someone like this isn't always achievable
Covid issues aside, herein lies the issue @candlelightsatdawn.
My exdp was told the same by his therapist but chose to ignore the vast majority of her (& his solicitor's) advice & things got no better. My last contact with him he was on car no. 2 for his eldest & was still paying exw's 'extras' such as home heating, car tax etc. Badmouthing him, me & my dc was the ammo she pulled out every time she didn't get her own way & when she wasn't doing it the dc were.
It's an awful place to be but these people are bullies - end of - & will keep bullying until they are stood up to. Yes the dc might have a few difficult weeks/months, but seeing one parent allow another parent to emotionally blackmail them is one of the worst things for a child's development & future relationships.,
He really needs to start saying No - to money, to threats, to everything. The problem is he keeps backing down & she absolutely knows this & it playing it for all it's worth.

@lunar1 I'm a tad worried tbh that she will say she will it's clear but won't and kick off at the 10days element because we will be "playing into the governments hands".

This Covid this bug is so weird she's not usually a unreasonable person or not someone who you would look at and think defo tin foil hatter type.

Awful thing is I have a funny feeling she will be sending DSD to school...

@Magda72 I'm totally with you, he would go hell for leather if she was always at it. It almost feels like a abuse cycle actually her with the fine fine, oops hell fire but fine again. He desperately wants things to be ok for DSD. Problem is we can't have DSD without her involved.

I don't want to victim blame with DH and I want to support him but my god I'm tired. I'm so tired. It's never ending. I feel like on days like today just going no fuck this I can't cope.

He's said no to the request (before he told me) but clearly has been affected. It's the after effect it has on him post having boundaries. Guilt triggering.

We will go down court route if she keeps messing around but every time we do, she backs down plays nice so we halt it and then starts up again. Money isn't infinite to keep doing this weird but common pattern.

Has it ever actually gone to court? I feel like she needs a kick up the bun by the legal system or something. It sounds so so traumatic for you.

If your DSD is 13 and NT then it is too late for your DH to go to Court.

He should have been and be working on having a good relationship with his DC so she chooses to come to see him regularly.

Your DH needs to listen to his therapist and put boundaries in place with his ex.

You also need to put boundaries in place with her backed up by him. These boundaries are however nice she randomly is to you, is that you do not have any communication or contact with her any more.

You need to protect your own MH especially with your pregnancy and when you have a newborn. This means you have a right to tell him, and must tell him, that he is not to relay every single bit of crap she says to him soon after she says it to him. He can tell you but not immediately. It is shit for him but he is going to have to find other people to inform about her nasty behaviour.

Yes it is really hard for him as abusive people like that change the goal posts to carry on their abuse, so you have to be wary of them and know that every time they are polite to you or make what seems like a reasonable request they are doing it so they can abuse you later.

He's said no to the request (before he told me) but clearly has been affected. It's the after effect it has on him post having boundaries

Yes it must be so draining on you both. I am shocked she can be so evil

Throughout your posts I really get the sense that you are internalizing far too much angst over this issue and allowing it to stress you out. She is totally unreasonable, you don't need to even entertain the things she says or feel guilty, you can and should rest easy in the knowledge that you should not be having DSD when she has Covid, including your wages in maintenance, sending over impromptu lump sums you can't afford or anything else she might come out with.

You really need to put this issue to the back of the mind. If it is causing stress in the household that is getting to you then your DH needs to focus on shielding you from that as his number one priority. The focus should be creating a stress free pregnancy for you. It really does pain me to see the emotional energy this is costing you, I'm so hoping things go well for you!

I feel like on days like today just going no fuck this I can't cope.

Please tell him this. He needs to off-load some of her shit on other people. There will be men he knows - they won't be his best friends - who have been in similar situations like this and can calm him down.

@KiloWhat we got to mediation and then it all ramped up and then she said oh we are all being silly let's play nice, calmed down ect. Draining is the word

@RedWingBoots I think sadly this is a fact known by DM hen the new comments to DSD. She's not Nerotypical so it adds a element of worry as we won't always know she's gonna spot this for what it is.
I think I'm gonna have to say stop relying it to me, I think he's just feeling sad and worried about his DSD and it's all messy. He needs to talk to his therapist about this tbh.

@aSofaNearYou I know I'm taking to much of it in 😞 this pregnancy has taken its toll, I'm not sure I expected myself to be so weak. It's death by 100000 cuts every day.

Selfishly I just almost want to walk, and sad thing is I don't want to walk away from DH or DSD but the situation. Which is selfish but maybe I'm just bit hormonal as this literally just kicked off.

IME when there is 50/50 or thereabouts it’s when it suits the mum so she’s unlikely to want that to actually change by withholding contact!

Sorry - I don’t want that to sound like I am
Belittling anyone here who has their own 50/50 arrangement, I am speaking from limited but bitter experience and bring that to my comment!

I’ve been following your posts and I feel that your DH needs to protect you a bit and stop relaying it all to you and not give you that stress. It’s unfair for him to share the responsibility of this decision with you as it’s a no brainer that of course DSD shouldn’t come to yours; even without the pregnancy I’d say that but with being pregnant even more so.

You are not being selfish telling him he can't talk to you about every single piece of crap she does or taking time away if he can't stop doing it.

Oh and going to Court is stressful.

ThuMuClu is also right.

I know from my DP's experience.

I think I'm gonna have to say stop relying it to me, I think he's just feeling sad and worried about his DSD and it's all messy. He needs to talk to his therapist about this tbh

Oh yes he needs to leave you well out of it. From the sounds of it you have enough on your plate. I get that it's his daughter and he's worried but he needs to learn to accept that this is basically nothing to do with you.

He's just going to have to learn to accept his 50/50 contact might come to an end or be sporadic. He can't change the past he can't stop his ex being so determined to hurt him. All he can do is make his peace with it and try and do the best he can for his daughter with the appalling games her mother is playing.

@ThuMuClu she had family staying and I believe she loves Christmas so has never liked sharing it (always been a bit of bone of contention between the two but DH usually backs down as it's only a day in whole year) but truly I don't want to venture down what her thought processes are tbh. It's a dark road that I don't have mental capacity to even want to think why she does what she does.

@Kbyodjs I think it's sprung from the fact government has said you can break isolation after 6 days if you have a two LFT negative with 24hr space in between( with the guidance that you should still avoid vulnerable people which pregnancy makes me) until day 10 but that's guidance opposed to rules. That said it seems that DM has interpreted it this means ending isolation early at any point is okie dokie.

I'm gonna have a chat with DH. Hoping this won't end in one massive fight, it seems to roll back to me being pregnant and therefore guilt being triggered because of that simple fact and DM is pulling that exact card.

I'd work out dsd's isolation period yourself.
Then say she is welcome back from that date.

She shouldn't be coming and the last thing you need is a direct close covid contact.

How are things now?

@RedWingBoots and @aSofaNearYou speak so much sense. I say this as someone with a 5 month old who the ex used all dps family against us during my pregnancy we had so so many arguments and rows and it destroyed the memory of my pregnancy as it was just pure hell because of DP allowing it and not giving me the boundaries I needed. Tell you DH what you need and step away. Ofc dsd cannot come with Covid regardless of your pregnancy she should stay where she is but even more so because of that. DH just needs to be firm and then put it to bed. My own dp did the same internalise what the ex does why does she say this or that why does she do it but I'll be honest his worked so hard on himself (probably only because access has been stopped since baby arrived and we still yet to see dsd) that things are currently looking better. You know your money will not be taking into consideration for maintenance just shrug it off let her think what she wants. If he is firm with the mother and dsd doesn't want to come she doesn't want to come she will eventually. You two cannot live your life dictated to by this woman with a new baby due to make an appearance who knows how she will behave.

We've had tyres slashed and all kinds of malicious behaviour since our ds was born. These women are toxic. Sending you hugs xx

@Vie8126 well it's been a mixed bag.

More venom from mum but he didn't tell me, his sister did (we are very close) she assumed it was common knowledge so blurted it out.

I think he's worried that DM is going to poison DSD against him more and honestly the problem is he (and me privately) don't know how she will respond. I was hopeful that DSD would bat it away but im not sure now. If enough people make this into a big deal, she will pick up on it and in the nicest sense do what kiddos do ?

I told him that he needs to stop telling me this stuff and he has THANKGOD but it lingers like smoke in the air. I have made it clear he has to speak to therapist ASAP which he's gonna do. I feel really resentful that for some magical reason he always explains away DMs bad behaviour, oh her gold fish has died, oh she's stressed ect and it's hard not to lose respect for him if I'm totally honest. One day he's got his head screwed on and one day when she's kicked him he's talking like he's gonna lose DSC.

Tbh my worst fear is that he will and we just won't survive it.

@candlelightsatdawn I truly feel for you I know how horrible it is my own pregnancy was the same. I did almost loose it post natally though my DP thought I was having a breakdown but it was the effects of all of it for so long. I probably took too much of it on, I wanted to help. I got too involved. I didn't give myself the self care and my DP didn't help. Moping because he didn't get the newborn photo with ds and his dd and I did with my children etc blaming me like it was my fault his ex stopped contact. I think me screaming like I never had before and threatening to leave ( and I meant it) to protect myself and my ds from the poison. Don't get yourself to that point. Be kind to yourself especially when baby is here. It's hard with the not knowing what's been said etc as sometimes it feels like you're being shut out I guess thay was how I felt so dp couldn't win but I just don't care anymore.

Parental alienation - my DP has made peace with this and has said he is prepared to walk away should he need to. His in the process of applying for an enforcement and a change to the current CAO but with his dd now 6 and no idea of timescales and dealing with such a toxic poisonous person he has said he has made peace with knowing he is likely to not have contact for very long before her mother starts again and for his own mental health he will have to leave it until she is bigger and able to make her own decisions. It's tough. There seems to be no way to win with these women apart from entering a war when dad's just want to see their kids. There's no easy answer for your DH if she does that he either battles through it or walks away not forever but for a period of time.

My DP would also make excuses or when shitty stuff happened that we KNEW was her would say but it might not be it would drive me insane.