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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Surely this is normal?

43 replies

Berrybear · 31/12/2021 01:13

The other night I was breastfeeding our baby and asked DP to pour me some juice. He went to pick up a glass that my DSS had been drinking from earlier, that was still sitting on the table and hadn't been washed since. I asked DP if he could get me a fresh glass and he asked why. I said because it was DSS's glass and hadn't been washed. For the record DSS has had a really bad cold but even if he hadn't I still wouldn't tend to use glasses that he or his DB had been using. It led to DP and I getting into a light-hearted debate because he thinks I'm being unreasonable and he would happily drink from the same glasses as his children. I've said it's different for him because, as much as I love them, they're not my children. DP says that shouldn't matter as we live in the same household and so "we all share germs anyway".

I love DSS but they can be gross wee boys. They need reminded constantly to wash their hands after the toilet. They pick their noses and eat it and do other gross things that wee boys do that are totally harmless but not particularly hygienic and I don't want to share drinking glasses with them. DP thinks that anyone sharing a house with children would be happy to share glasses, forks, etc with those children even if not physically related. Surely it's completely normal not to want to share glasses, cups, cutlery, etc with children that aren't physically related to you?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 31/12/2021 01:18

Well you should have obviously been grateful his ds was allowing you to reuse his glass..
Yanbu to ask for basic hygiene..

Forgotthespuds · 31/12/2021 01:19

I don't have step kids but I do have kids of my own. I love every part of them but I don't want to drink out of their glass that's been sitting around covered in their snotty spit.

EmmaMaya · 31/12/2021 01:21

Another with no step kids but with an adorable yet germy little son. I wouldnt drink out of his glass! YANBU!!

ChristmasWithBellsOn · 31/12/2021 01:23

Children backwash, it's a fact known to everyone who has ever watched a child drink water after eating yogurt.

PinkSyCo · 31/12/2021 01:26

Wtf have I just read? Unless there is a dire shortage of drinking receptacles in your house of course you should have a fresh glass!

Flickflak · 31/12/2021 01:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

MerryChristmas21 · 31/12/2021 01:31

Several issues

Even if it was MY glass from earlier, I want a clean glass. Germs breed.

If there was a NEED to use a used glass, that's one thing, but when you're at home, with clean glasses in the cupboard there's just no need. It's manky just to pick up any old used glass & give it to someone.

Almost ALL children are less than fabulously hygienic, I don't really care if they're DC or SDC. I don't particularly want to share glasses with them.

You're much more likely 'to all share germs' if you share drinking glasses. Idiot that he is!

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 31/12/2021 01:42

I agree with the other pp OP. You shouldn't drink out of anyone elses glass that has been left lying about for a while, but I don't think you should have made a difference between your own child and your step- child. Your husband is right though that you will all share the same germs!

Original poster

Berrybear · 31/12/2021 01:46

Children backwash, it's a fact known to everyone who has ever watched a child drink water after eating yogurt.

Glad to see others feel the same even with their own kids.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable but I think your comment “but they’re not my children” is weird and not relevant. The point was you didn’t want to share a glass with anyone!

I guess i just assumed that the reason he doesn't mind sharing glasses with them is that they are his children and i obviously wrongly assumed that maybe it just doesn't bother a lot of parents to share glasses with their own children. I would share a glass with DP but not with one of DSC. Our dd is just a baby so using something that she's eaten or drank from hasn't ever come up.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 31/12/2021 01:46

YANBU I wouldn't want to use same glass & I think he's being lazy.

DramaAlpaca · 31/12/2021 01:48

I don't have stepchildren but I wouldn't want to drink out of a dirty glass that had been used by anyone, including my own children. Just yuck.

Magda72 · 31/12/2021 01:50

but I don't think you should have made a difference between your own child and your step- child.
Oh for gods sake! Of course she can make this difference!
I have kids & would not want to share a glass with them - BUT, they are my kids & I would share a glass with them way before I'd share a glass with anyone else BECAUSE they are my kids!
Cleaning loos after my dc when they were small was pretty grim but cleaning loos after other kids would actually make me gag. We are programmed to not find our own dc as disgusting as other dc/people in general in order to keep them alive!
@Berrybear yanbu and the fact that your dp thinks you are is bewildering to me.

JingleRattles · 31/12/2021 01:52

YANBU. I don't share drinks/cups with DH or DC unless it is an emergency. I'd want a new glass too. In fact, I often put my glass down & then can't remember which one is mine so I use a new one. I'd also use a new cup if I hadn't drunk out of it in a while.

Joelitta · 31/12/2021 02:02

I wouldn't use anyone's dirty glass, and when I see parents pick up and eat left over food from the mess on a child's plate, I feel physically sick.
YANBU

KiloWhat · 31/12/2021 06:39

@Magda72 thank goodness! I was about to say I think with your own children it's different and use the loo example.

I have no problem with my own baby being a bit snotty but DSC wiping their snot everywhere makes me eww so it must be genetic.

KiloWhat · 31/12/2021 06:40

I wouldn't share a glass with my own child though personally.

SmallElephant · 31/12/2021 06:54

I don't have step children, but I know I'd share a glass with my own child (or finish the leftovers on their plate) but not a friend's child. I guess that is partly because I assume I'm exposed to my DC's germs anyway by sharing a house with them, but there's definitely a less rational element to it as well - as Magda says your own DC's germs are somehow less gross than anyone else's!

Anyway - YANBU to ask for a fresh glass.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 31/12/2021 06:56

@Magda72

but I don't think you should have made a difference between your own child and your step- child. Oh for gods sake! Of course she can make this difference! I have kids & would not want to share a glass with them - BUT, they are my kids & I would share a glass with them way before I'd share a glass with anyone else BECAUSE they are my kids! Cleaning loos after my dc when they were small was pretty grim but cleaning loos after other kids would actually make me gag. We are programmed to not find our own dc as disgusting as other dc/people in general in order to keep them alive! *@Berrybear* yanbu and the fact that your dp thinks you are is bewildering to me.

Oh for God's sake @Magda72, of course she can make that distinction in her head 😄 I probably would too, unless they are all babies (I don't know why myself, but nothing tiny babies produce gross's me out, including snot, phlegm, puke and poo) but as they get bigger, yes other peoples children's productions do make me feel a bit green!).

My problem was with the OP potentially hurting her DP's feelings, and if old enough to understand and overhear, her DSC's feelings as well.

I think you may need a little sit down Magda, and to take a few slow deep breaths in and out, as you seem to have taken our little misunderstanding a tad too seriously?

Onlinedilema · 31/12/2021 07:00

That is gross. If course you want a clean glass.

KiloWhat · 31/12/2021 07:05

My problem was with the OP potentially hurting her DP's feelings, and if old enough to understand and overhear, her DSC's feelings as well. well yeah of course not in front of DSC but I see no harm in explaining it to DP.

It will only hurt the DP if they are so insistent that OP treats the DSC "Like their own". If DP accepts the relationship for what it is then there's no issue. It's like DP probably wouldn't want to drink out of a glass of a friend's kid or a cousin. No one would get offended by that. Call a spade a spade and stop trying to make it a fork and then the whole relationship will be fine. Putting ridiculous pressure on people to act certain way and feel certain things is what ruins stepfamilies.

Original poster

Berrybear · 31/12/2021 08:23

My problem was with the OP potentially hurting her DP's feelings, and if old enough to understand and overhear, her DSC's feelings as well.

I hadn't really thought of it hurting my partner's feelings by me saying they're not my children as I just assumed that as he knows I love them and I do a lot for them to show that, it would be okay for me to say to him as it's a factual statement but I'll take on board if it may not be.
The children weren't in the house and I wouldn't ever say that in front of them. I wouldn't even say I didn't want to share their glass in front of them, I'd probably give some other excuse.

OP posts:

BurntToastAgain · 31/12/2021 08:33

My problem was with the OP potentially hurting her DP's feelings, and if old enough to understand and overhear, her DSC's feelings as well.

The problem is with the partner if their feelings are hurt by a basic statement of fact like that.

They are his children. They are not hers. It’s not an insult or a criticism. It’s just basic facts. Facts that make a difference in all manner of ways.

In fact, the OP was actually being generous towards her partner’s motivations in assuming that he was ok with it because they are his children rather than pointing out that he was being really lazy and insulting to her by offering her his snotty child’s leftovers rather than helping out his partner by getting her a drink while breastfeeding their child.

KiloWhat · 31/12/2021 08:35

They are his children. They are not hers. It’s not an insult or a criticism. It’s just basic facts. Facts that make a difference in all manner of ways. I agree and if OP's OH can't deal with that in an adult way then he has issues.

Sux2Buthen · 31/12/2021 08:36

I was once given my stepsons cup (I didn't know) and choked on a contact lens
YANBU

aSofaNearYou · 31/12/2021 08:44

@Berrybear

My problem was with the OP potentially hurting her DP's feelings, and if old enough to understand and overhear, her DSC's feelings as well.

Please, please don't bear that in mind OP! It's should be perfectly obvious that they're not your children and if they were you might feel differently, and if that's in any way surprising or upsetting to your partner that's a massive red flag you do not want to indulge.

He sounds like someone that just lacks the empathy to have observed that people feel differently about germ related things and there's no sense in saying something like "anyone else" would be fine with this, because opinions are very varied. But regardless, he shouldn't be playing the "you would if they were your kids" angle at all and you shouldn't tiptoe around his feelings when he does or you will create a monster.

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