Surely this is normal?

[Berrybear]

The other night I was breastfeeding our baby and asked DP to pour me some juice. He went to pick up a glass that my DSS had been drinking from earlier, that was still sitting on the table and hadn't been washed since. I asked DP if he could get me a fresh glass and he asked why. I said because it was DSS's glass and hadn't been washed. For the record DSS has had a really bad cold but even if he hadn't I still wouldn't tend to use glasses that he or his DB had been using. It led to DP and I getting into a light-hearted debate because he thinks I'm being unreasonable and he would happily drink from the same glasses as his children. I've said it's different for him because, as much as I love them, they're not my children. DP says that shouldn't matter as we live in the same household and so "we all share germs anyway".

I love DSS but they can be gross wee boys. They need reminded constantly to wash their hands after the toilet. They pick their noses and eat it and do other gross things that wee boys do that are totally harmless but not particularly hygienic and I don't want to share drinking glasses with them. DP thinks that anyone sharing a house with children would be happy to share glasses, forks, etc with those children even if not physically related. Surely it's completely normal not to want to share glasses, cups, cutlery, etc with children that aren't physically related to you?

The SDC are unlikely to be upset by the plain fact that their stepmother is not their mother too.

Life would be much easier in stepfamilies if parents could just accept that no one feels the same way about their children as their parents. And that’s totally OK.

I’m much more tolerant of my small child generously (and forcefully) offering to share his food with me than I ever would be about another child doing the same. I’d never have let myself get into a situation where my stepson tried to put his half chewed toast in my mouth when he was a toddler. But I find myself in that situation regularly with my toddler (and saying ‘no thanks’ to his not so lovely generosity). It’s disgusting enough when it’s your own child.

Similarly I would never expect my stepchildren to feel the same way about me as their parents. Of course they don’t want me if they are ill. They want their parents (and usually their mother). That’s just how things are.

The problem comes when their father (despite him being very clear that my sons are not his children) somehow gets all annoyed by the simple fact that I’m not his children’s mother and I am not going to feel the same way about the unpleasant bits of parenting as I would if I were. He is their father. If they’re sick, he’s cleaning the vomit up. Not me. I wouldn’t ask him to clean up my sons’ vomit. Except the one that’s our child. That’s just part of being a parent.

Life would be much easier in stepfamilies if parents could just accept that no one feels the same way about their children as their parents. And that’s totally OK.

Never were truer words said on this board.

@BurntToastAgain has hit the nail on the head here.

OP, it's fine if this was a light-hearted disagreement. But be careful if your DH really believes you should feel exactly the same way about your step DC as your own DC.

*My problem was with the OP potentially hurting her DP's feelings, and if old enough to understand and overhear, her DSC's feelings as well.

I think you may need a little sit down Magda, and to take a few slow deep breaths in and out, as you seem to have taken our little misunderstanding a tad too seriously?
Oh for gods sake* @TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek if her dp - a fully grown adult - is going to have hurt feelings by having his partner point out that she doesn't want his dc's germs because they are not her dc then he needs to give himself a good kick up the arse! As a pp just said parents expecting stepparents to feel about their children as they do is THE biggest issue in 'blended' situations.

In our house no one would drink from a glass that had not been cleaned nor would share a glass with anyone. This has always been the practice and the recent COVID situation has made us all aware of the importance of not sharing or passing germs .

It has nothing to do with love, relationship, or affinity and everything to do with health and sanitation. Why would we not practice good health and sanitation standards in our own home but do those very things out side of our home??

YANBU. I wouldn't drink out of the same glass as anyone, apart from letting my toddler have a sip from my drink if I am busy breastfeeding the other and can't get up to get her a drink!

And yes, children are grim as standard.

YANBU and the ‘yogurt backwash’ says it better than I ever could!

My XDP would be the same as you. Couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to share my food with his DCs or share a bottle of water. He and I would usually get a big bottle to share at the cinema - one time we went with his DBs and he passed the bottle down to share with them too . Some people clearly just don’t have the same reaction to sharing drinks. He’d also never heard of double dipping before we met.

FWIW I wouldn’t share drinks with my DCs either, but figured that it was ok with him as we shared saliva on a regular basis anyway!

Same as *yours - not you!

I only now share a glass with my child and she is 12. If either of us are ill we don't share. However she shares mine and not the other way around. Kids are amazing at getting glasses sticky even at 12 her glass at the table is minging somehow at dinner time as are the DSC's. If she shares mine it is a sip etc.

My husband wouldn't ever offer me a glass that was dirty at all though. Common curiosity I thought?

Yuk! No thanks, I wouldn't drink out of either of my son's glasses and certainly not my step Children's, not my husbands in all honesty. I want a nice fresh glass for myself. It's normal!

That’s utterly disgusting. I wouldn’t share a glass with my partner, my child, a stepchild, the postman, or anyone else for that matter. How utterly grim.

Whether your stepson is fastidiously clean or rolling round in the dirt firing snot rockets from his nose, there’s absolutely no reason why your partner should expect you to share a glass with him.

Ew, just, ew!

That’s gross. Would he get DSS a clean glass if he asked for a drink or would he reuse yours and expect DSS to be happy? If he wasn’t happy would he try and remind DSS you’re basically his mother?

No?

And it’s completely different with your own kids. It’s nature. Mine is a toddler, I get sick, phlegm, poo, snot on me and it’s not amazing but it’s fine. I adore my husband, like literally adore the man. I don’t want his snot or poo on me, no thanks.

@BurntToastAgain

My problem was with the OP potentially hurting her DP's feelings, and if old enough to understand and overhear, her DSC's feelings as well.

The problem is with the partner if their feelings are hurt by a basic statement of fact like that.

They are his children. They are not hers. It’s not an insult or a criticism. It’s just basic facts. Facts that make a difference in all manner of ways.

In fact, the OP was actually being generous towards her partner’s motivations in assuming that he was ok with it because they are his children rather than pointing out that he was being really lazy and insulting to her by offering her his snotty child’s leftovers rather than helping out his partner by getting her a drink while breastfeeding their child.

There are too many of these men about; those who translate a statement of fact into a feeling. Why do they get so stung by the words they're not my child(ren), when DSC are absolutely not?!? As soon as you said that, I imagine your DP bristled, and is now viewing your interactions with his DC with that in mind.

How the actual fuck has he got YOU questioning whether you’re being unreasonable to object when he can’t be arsed getting you your own drink while you’re breastfeeding his child so offers you one he’s just mineswept from someone else? He should count himself lucky not to be wearing it. Prick.

There are too many of these men about; those who translate a statement of fact into a feeling. Why do they get so stung by the words they're not my child(ren), when DSC are absolutely not?!? As soon as you said that, I imagine your DP bristled, and is now viewing your interactions with his DC with that in mind.

Yes. And they so often go into overdrive on this stuff after they have chosen to have another child.

It’s not just men though. This board is often full of mothers bristling over the simple fact that other people just don’t love their children like they do. As manifested in the claim that ‘this is why my children will never have a stepmother’ (as if they are ultimately in control of that).

I get you. I don't have SC but I have no issues with my own DC's dirty nappies. However, if I've looked after my friend's LO in the past I struggle not to gag.

Don't care about my DC's snot, slobber or poo a jot. Think I somehow would if it were someone else's. Doesn't mean I don't love other children!

That’s gross. Would he get DSS a clean glass if he asked for a drink or would he reuse yours and expect DSS to be happy? If he wasn’t happy would he try and remind DSS you’re basically his mother?

To be fair I think he wouldn't expect DSS to see a problem with drinking from my glass either. I can imagine him literally saying the same thing to DSS as he was saying to me if he has an issue with sharing my glass, "but we all life in the same household and share the same germs anyway".
He doesn't see them as my children as we've has discussions around that and there being certain aspects of family life being different due to them not being my children, for example we've discussed how to deal with certain things like discipline because it's obviously different for me as their stepmum. So he's not expecting me to see them as my own children, he does expect me to treat them with care and respect though which he obviously should and I obviously do. He gets how I will have a different relationship and bond with them to my own DD.

A few posters have picked up on him being lazy for not getting me a fresh glass. He did as soon as I asked, but we had a light-hearted discussion about why he thought it wasn't a big deal to share DSS's glass. He has done the lion's share of the housework and chores and cooking etc since I've had DD so I really can't fault him there, don't think it was out of laziness, more just cutting a corner.

Glad to know that it's not just me that wouldn't want to share a glass with a child though!