Ex SC. What would you do?

[sassbott]

Hi

Some history for those of you who aren’t familiar. I was in an on/ off relationship with someone for nearly 5 years. Never cohabited, no joint DC, no ties at all. In the final 2 years I had very minimal contact with his DC - so not like I was a significant part of their lives. I am aware however that I am a trusted adult (or was). They were very fond of me and my Dc.

The relationship itself was incredibly unhealthy and i tried to end it many times, ultimately I would listen to his promises of therapy/ change. Mr nice guy would be back for a period before the cycle began again. I am now getting professional help to ensure that this time, I stay away from him. Zero chance of reconciliation. It’s really hard. He is blocked (WhatsApp/ FT) and the only comms left open are via email (which I think should also be shit down).

One of the things that came up in a recent counselling session was the fact that he has retained contact via our respective children.
My DC are older (teens) and have their own phones, WhatsApp etc. I have not said to them what they can / cannot do - he is not blocked on their phones. They told me that he texted them earlier in the week and wished them a happy Xmas. They sent a simple one liner back. Fine. My DC are old enough to figure out how much/ little interaction they need. I would prefer to not interfere with them.

When it came to his much younger DC however, my counsellor advised that I stop all contact with his DC. He said it was highly likely that my ex was using his children as a means to keeping communications with me open. And it was highly unlikely (given how little I saw these children) that there were messaging me unprompted / without my exes encouragement. Which when I think about, I tend to agree with.

In the last facetime I did with them, they asked when they were seeing me etc. After that I emailed my ex asking if he had told them we had broken up. He replied no and that he would do so after Xmas and in the meantime ask them not to message me. I told him it wasn’t fair on them (or me actually) and I no longer wished to be put in a situation where I am being asked when I am seeing them. He should be having that conversation with them. It’s not difficult to stop the contact, he could simply remove my details from their devices. They are younger and don’t have their own phones etc.

Yesterday his kids messaged my kids. Fine.
Then I have woken to an email from him this morning. Saying that his children have been trying to contact me and asking me to let him know I’m ok so they don’t worry. So he’s attempting again to keep some form of contact, through his children.

He clearly hasn’t asked them not to message me. He clearly hasn’t ‘cut ties’ as he said he would as he has messaged my DC (and they know we have broken up and are completely fine with it).

My question is what do I do?
I think my counsellor is right and I think he is using his kids as a conduit to keep comms open.
Which isn’t fair.

But then a part of me thinks ‘you’re being so mean, this isn’t how you act.’ It doesn’t feel nice. But I think that’s why He’s doing this. He knows I am soft and that I would never want his children to be upset. And be the direct cause of that upset.

WWYD.

Ignore the email and continue to lock down comms?
Fold and reply and do one last FT with his kids given he has said he will tell them in the new year?

I will add. One reconciliation happened when I agreed to see his children over lunch. It was heartbreaking and we were trying again within weeks. So this is something that has worked before and I have folded because of the emotion of so much history. I care for his kids a huge amount, but they’re not my responsibility. And ultimately if there is no healthy relationship with their father, I cannot retain one with them. It’s just too hard.

Ignore the email and continue to lock down comms.

they’re not my responsibility. And ultimately if there is no healthy relationship with their father, I cannot retain one with them. It’s just too hard.

Keep reminding yourself of this

How old are his children?

Primary school age. Not pre teen/ teen but old enough that they would understand a simple explanation.

He’s bullshitting you as they’ve been in contact with your kids so they know you are ok. It’s not fair on them, I’d block his emails too.

I would send them a card maybe? Or can you communicate with their mother. And explain that you are no longer in a relationship with their father. In an appropriate way.

He is clearly using them to remain In Touch with you. So take some control of the situation.

My father had several girlfriends whilst I was growing up. All nice enough but once they had separated we never saw them again. Different times I know. But we gave it no head space as kids. It was just one of those things

My ex's gf of three years asked to stay in touch with dd. Which I was uncomfortable with but they exchanged text once on dd birthday and nothing since. It isn't appropriate. And dd has not give. Her any head space since.

@unicornsarereal72 I’ve never had any comms with their mum and it’s not appropriate to start now. I also do not want to open any more comms with anyone associated with him.

This is his job to do as their father. All it requires is a simple age appropriate conversation. No more, no less. If they are sad, that’s ok. It’s ok to be sad, and he just needs to talk to them and support them. Bluntly, I don’t think they will give it that much headspace at all. I have been a tiny part of their lives.

This is him.

Thank you for those who have replied. I’ll stay silent on comms.

I would call his bluff and say you would be happy to do one more FaceTime with them, and you will explain that you are no longer with their father and you wish them well

Hi OP, in your shoes I would stay silent too.
You have no reasons like joint dc to stay in touch with him and given the background and everything he has put you through, he is not someone you want to stay in touch with if you don’t have to. Please don’t feel like you’re being mean to his dc as this is all on him, and he will use his children to his advantage if he knows he can. Don’t give him that power.

I have joint children with my ex, the man who put me through so much like yours did. So I am stuck communicating with him for many more years and him using our children as his way of keeping his foot in the door in my life You are in such a strong position here and you can cut ties with him completely. If we didn’t have joint children then I would definitely be doing that.
His children are probably having it implanted in to their heads to contact you too. Please don’t feel like you are rejecting them - he can handle their feelings and any upset.

I am still in touch with my exdsc. They are 16 now though and all contact is direct to them. ExDsc is like a good friend now and I hope we never lose contact. I doubt we ever will. But if they we 6 and not 16, I wouldn’t be letting my ex use dsc as another means to contact me, and our relationship (me and dsc) would probably have been non existent by now.

I know you don’t want any more people involved in communications here, but if you previously had a good relationship with your ex’s parents for example, could you tell the kids that you and their father have broken up and are no longer talking to each other because it’s hard to keep talking to someone when you break up because break ups are sad, but if they ever want to contact you they can ask grandma (or whoever) to help them send an email. They are highly unlikely to actually email you.

I would block his children, it's the only way.

Look at it from this perspective, do you think an unrelated adult should be having communication with primary age children completely separately from their parent?

Your relationship is over and his children are not old enough to have a friendship with you independently.

There is no question that it's shit for the kids, but sadly that's often the territory Of being a step child. One of my former step mums is now one of my best friends, we got in contact when I was in my 20's.

Your relationship is over and you have no shared DC. You might not feel like it, but you are free.

Ignore. He is using his kids

Given that the dad is not rushing to inform his kids about your relationship status, I would let them know that their dad and I will no longer be spending time together and as such I won't be seeing them anymore . I would let them know that we can still be email buddies.

Their dad can then tell them whatever he wishes about your relationship. Once the kids know that they won't be seeing you, their email interest will quickly taper off and the dad is less likely to bother putting them up to contacting you.

You do not need to wait for the dad to deliver your own honest message to the kids.

You do not need to wait for the dad to deliver your own honest message to the kids. that's a good idea. Maybe tell your ex he has a week to tell them or you will.

One email back to him telling him that he needs to update them and that you are now blocking all forms of contact.

Not having joint DC means you are in a great position to never see this man who has treated you poorly ever again.

Using his DC to get in touch is on him, not you. If you go down the "just one more FaceTime" route, you risk him putting them up to asking to meet directly, and given your fondness for them, you may end up agreeing despite your better judgement.

Also any form of "one last time" contact is delaying the inevitable; ultimately there are specific reasons you don't want this man jn your life, and that would include anybody intrinsically linked to him, which encompasses DC young enough for him to have to facilitate contact.

This is a very long winded way to say if I were you, I would just ignore him.

I know that feels difficult. If you really do feel you must reply, I would write something curt like "I have made my feelings clear. Please do not contact me again."

Thank you all. General consensus is that I’m being fair. His children have already been blocked (which is why I haven’t seen any messages from them).

It’s been months. He’s had months.

I’m beyond furious that I’ve had to go this far. I’m beyond furious that I’ve been put in this position. I don’t know why I am surprised. This is simply a continuation of his behaviour but in a different form. I could not in a million years imagine putting my children in this situation. Allowing them to continue messaging someone whom I know doesn’t want contact. Or not telling them something they need to know and then supporting them (assuming they’d even be upset).

Then the person who feels guilty/ feels they have done something wrong is me. It’s so messed up.

To the posters who have suggested I tell them? No I won’t do that. He needs to step up and actually parent his children. And that includes having what may be emotionally tricky conversations. I’m not doing that job for him.

He spends his life shifting his responsibilities and projecting his shit onto everyone. My kids know. We’re fine. I’ve told him to tell them and I’ve taken the steps needed to start moving on with my life.

I should have expected some form of set back, it’s really knocked me. But it’s time to keep moving forward and this is a key step I’ve never taken before. So it’s bound to feel uncomfortable and hard.

Thank you all for posting and your advice. I know it’s a busy time of year and i really really appreciate it x

@Starseeking you’re right. It’s what has happened before, I haven’t had the heart to say ‘no I’m not seeing you again’ to them.
If I was to say it and his children get upset, then once again, I am the villain of the piece.

If he was to contact me to ask that they’d like to say goodbye or could i send them something. I absolutely would. But again that’s on him, and his decision as a parent as to what he feels is the right thing for his children.

My heart is just sad, this should have all been handled and dealt with.

To the posters who have suggested I tell them? No I won’t do that. He needs to step up and actually parent his children. that's a really good point and he owes it to them.

OP, telling his kids is not doing his job; it is telling your truth so that they will stop reaching out to you.

You are doing his bidding by giving him continued space in your head.
As long as you think of this relationship in terms of what he did of did not do for you. You will never be free.

When you accept that you were simply different people with different needs that did not mesh, you will be able to let it go. Telling his children so that they can stop reaching out to you is a way if taking control. You should have no expectations of him and that includes releasing you from his children. Once you tell them, that door is closed by you. Anything else is just a way to prolong your involvement with him.

Change your email address. That can be an inconvenience, but it can also be liberating. When you realize that you are capable of managing your own life, you won't need anyone to have your back .You will be fully capable of managing the issues and circumstances that occur in your without reliance on someone else to stand in your stead.

You are doing his bid by giving him head

Correction : head space and prolonging the contact rather than making a clean break.

You mentioned this before on another thread. I said to you on the thread you need to block them for your own sake.

I didn't realise you had a counselor who said the same.

Remember it is not your job to explain to e.g. parent his his children yet again. He is a lazy parent. You can't protect his children from this.

If you do happen to randomly bump into them in 10 or 20 years when they are adults then and only then tell them why you stopped contact as they will have by then seen and felt the fallout of his lazy behaviour numerous times.

Thanks @Tattler2. I do see your point and what you’re saying.

1. his kids are blocked and will remain blocked. I don’t need to explain anything to them and nor will I. What he does or doesn’t tell them is on him, not me. I have put boundaries in that I have not managed to put in before. I am going to continue to move away from this messed up situation.

2. Leaving a relationship, any relationship is a process. For me, leaving this unhealthy relationship is much worse. It’s proving to be a long and painful process. Part of that for me is understanding what is me and what is him. Hence starting this thread. I couldn’t (for a while) tell if I was out of order, or he was.

3. you’re right. I am giving him space in my head. Space he doesn’t deserve. And that is what I am unpicking and working on with my counsellor. I’ve been doing so well, this was an unexpected set back. Blip even.

I wish I could be black and white, it’s not that easy. The counselling has been amazing but also really quite tough. You’re right though. I need him out my head - I’m giving that space to him.

@RedWingBoots they are blocked and have been blocked. The contact has come via him in email (the only place he isn’t blocked).
I’m sadly coming to the conclusion that actually I need to come in over my kids and block him/ his kids there too. He’s using all avenues to try and retain contact and has messaged them which isn’t fair or right.

I’ll talk to them about it.