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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I don't want them to come tomorrow now?!

84 replies

Poooooo2 · 24/12/2021 17:51

But I don't know who is being unreasonable??

My step son is due here tomorrow morning to spend Christmas day with us which he hasn't done in many years. My husband is really excited.

But now his Mum has messaged to say she has tested positive on a LFT for Covid after feeling unwell.

Step son feels fine but she won't force him to do a test as he hates them and doesn't have symptoms so she doesn't think he should need to.

My husband is all for him still coming and he actually rang DH upset last night because he still wanted to come. I am really not keen now but don't know what to do. We have young DC ourselves. I'm torn between thinking if it were one of my DC I of course would still want to see them and thinking but I need to do what's best for my DC as well which is protecting them from potentially getting Covid over the holidays.

I also don't think there is any way my husband would refuse DSS even if I said I didn't want him to stay.

OP posts:
SpiderFluff · 24/12/2021 19:34

@WonderfulYou

He either does a test or stays where he is.

The mum doesn’t want to test him as she probably wants to spend Xmas day with him. Which isn’t fair on him, DH or his step siblings.

If she’s refusing to test him then I would assume it’s because she’s not positive herself so I actually wouldn’t worry about it.

Then it's on her. DSC wants to go to dad's and she is the one stopping this. There's nothing OP can do if mum wants to damage her own son like this
Luckyducky75 · 24/12/2021 19:38

I wouldn't cancel any of my children for any reason, ever. Where I am they are welcome, no doubt your DH feels the same so well done him.

Grimchmas · 24/12/2021 19:41

:13Poooooo2

Mum won't LFT him. She just won't do it.

We can't exactly do it here because he'd already be here and it would be unfair to them just send him away again if it were positive.
I think you have to either say he can't come at all (which is what should be happening, even though its horrible at Christmas), or do the LFT when he arrives and keep him seperate but as cozy and jolly as you can while waiting for the result (in a warmed up car with the windows open and a hot chocolate, Christmas songs and presents maybe?)

If one of your children was a close contact of someone with a positive LFT, what would they be doing tomorrow?

They'd stay in their own home with their mum, obviously.

Original poster
Poooooo2 · 24/12/2021 19:42

@Luckyducky75

I wouldn't cancel any of my children for any reason, ever. Where I am they are welcome, no doubt your DH feels the same so well done him.
And I understand that. But I have to balance that with me looking out for my children as well. I understand why DH wants to see him still, I do. But obviously my priority is my DC so it's finding the balance.
OP posts:
Bouncer500 · 24/12/2021 19:45

If my kids had coronavirus they would absolutely still be spending Christmas with me whether my current boyfriend wanted them to or not.

JacquelineCarlyle · 24/12/2021 19:46

[quote NewbieAlert]@Bluntness100

If you are aged 5 years and over and have been identified as a contact of someone with COVID-19, but are not legally required to self-isolate, you are strongly advised to:

take an LFD test every day for 7 days, or until 10 days since your last contact with the person who tested positive for COVID-19 if this is earlier
take this daily test before you leave the household for the first time that day

strongly advised

Not required. Also this guidance is for people who have been in contact with someone who has a positive pcr.[/quote]
I completely agree with this - he absolutely would still be coming if he were my child and it's nit against the rules. FWIW, 2 out of my 3 DCs got Covid (at separate times) and none of the rest of the household caught it from them at all so even if his mum is positive, it doesn't necessarily mean he'll have it at all.

Bouncer500 · 24/12/2021 19:46

Are your children vulnerable? Most children don't even notice they have it.

saraclara · 24/12/2021 19:49

How is he getting to yours? Is your DH picking him up? I'd have him do a test before they set off. Your DH can explain to him, take him round the corner if need be. The new tests only take 15 minutes. It's really tough for the lad, but everyone else is testing before they come, so he should understand.

Original poster
Poooooo2 · 24/12/2021 19:51

@Bouncer500

If my kids had coronavirus they would absolutely still be spending Christmas with me whether my current boyfriend wanted them to or not.
I'm his wife and mother of his other children not just his "current girlfriend".
OP posts:
Original poster
Poooooo2 · 24/12/2021 19:52

@Bouncer500

Are your children vulnerable? Most children don't even notice they have it.
No but one did end up in hospital about 5 months ago with another illness, they required oxygen, it wasn't nice to see and it has made me a worrier about these things where I perhaps wouldn't have before.
OP posts:
thirstyformore · 24/12/2021 19:56

He needs to do a lateral flow. Not fair to be spreading it if he has it. Tough if he doesn't like them. They are part of life.

Troublesometooth · 24/12/2021 19:57

If it were my child and they tested positive I would still honour plans and have them round. He is a child, it’s Christmas. Covid is unlikely to make you or your family ill.

For my own child I would take the risk, therefore I would expect my DH to do the same for a DSS.

EvilPea · 24/12/2021 19:59

Is his mum well enough to look after him?

WonderfulYou · 24/12/2021 19:59

I'm his wife and mother of his other children not just his "current girlfriend"

If your DH is the father of your children then it’s just as much up to him as to whether to put your joint children at risk or not.

I agree that it’s not fair to test him after DH has picked him up as you can’t take him home if he’s positive.

Grimchmas · 24/12/2021 19:59

@Troublesometooth one of OP's other children has been ill and on oxygen. I would be careful in their shoes too.

RobinPenguins · 24/12/2021 20:00

I would, because the risk to my children is minuscule and the risk to me or my DH isn’t enough to make it worth refusing to see his child on Christmas Day. If you’re old or vulnerable to covid your answer might be different.

Troublesometooth · 24/12/2021 20:01

[quote Grimchmas]@Troublesometooth one of OP's other children has been ill and on oxygen. I would be careful in their shoes too.[/quote]
But he is their child! I would be careful around strangers, around extended friends and family, but around another one of my children there isn’t much you can do.

I absolutely couldn’t exclude a child at Christmas.

Grimchmas · 24/12/2021 20:02

If your DH is the father of your children then it’s just as much up to him as to whether to put your joint children at risk or not.

But if there's a stalemate, and it sounds like there is, then what?

I agree that it’s not fair to test him after DH has picked him up as you can’t take him home if he’s positive.

Given that child's mother won't do it, it seems like the most sensible compromise. DH goes to get him, explains matter of factly that he needs to do a test, does it in the car before setting off and distracts him with Christmas music and a flask of special hot chocolate or whatever while waiting for the result

Grimchmas · 24/12/2021 20:13

But he is their child! I would be careful around strangers, around extended friends and family, but around another one of my children there isn’t much you can do.

Yes I absolutely get that. It's a horrible situation, but I think the health needs of one child does trump the social needs of the other. Again, I really don't wish to minimise the importance of the kid whose mum has covid seeing his dad and siblings at christmas, especially when it's been promised and looked forward to. But he wouldn't be on his own,
he would be with his mother, and they could do e.g. a visit in the garden, and video calls.

Keepitonthedownlow · 24/12/2021 20:19

Question is

  • does his mother want to keep him with her?
  • what would the boy rather do for Xmas?
  • what would a positive text mean if he's at your home? Would your old visitors have to cancel?

I think that giving him an lft after he's picked up will put everyone's minds at ease. There's every chance he'll be negative and all the worry will be for nowt

LethargicActress · 24/12/2021 20:31

And I understand that. But I have to balance that with me looking out for my children as well. I understand why DH wants to see him still, I do. But obviously my priority is my DC so it's finding the balance.

But there can’t be a ‘balance’ can there? He either comes or he doesn’t, and to try and stop him would make you wicked step mother really. If there is a balance to be found, then surely the parent to all the children is best placed to find it rather than the parent who only prioritises their own children. Your dss doesn’t even have covid for all you know.

Gensola · 24/12/2021 20:43

This is hilarious - on every other covid thread on MN people are told under no circumstances to break rules or take the risk of infecting other people, no matter what the heart rending circumstances. When it’s a stepmother suddenly all rules go out the window and covid doesn’t exist 🙄
Don’t have him over, he will be with his mother. Long covid is a thing, you can’t play Russian roulette with the other children’s health for the sake of one day.

SpiderFluff · 24/12/2021 20:45

When it’s a stepmother suddenly all rules go out the window and covid doesn’t exist 🙄 yup..its like somehow DSC are immune from covid or it just doesn't matter. Any other person moving between houses and there would be outrage

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 24/12/2021 20:52

YABU If you send your DC to school or nursery they are at risk everyday if catching covid. If you have left the house at all you are at risk. You and DP could be asymptomatic.

You said your DC are priority. Well so is DP DC. How shit to ruin his Christmas by not allowing him to see his dad when he is fine.

LethargicActress · 24/12/2021 20:55

It’s not the rules though, people living with covid positive people aren’t expected to isolate anymore.

To stop the child leaving his home would be imposing old rules, not the current ones.