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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ah, crap.

30 replies

penguinwithasuitcase · 21/12/2021 16:03

We live outside the UK, and kids get grades at the end of every term.

DSS (15) just got his back for this last term and he's failed almost every subject (and the three classes he passed were just scraping by - the lowest mark you can get before it becomes a fail). He's never been a great student academically but this is really bad.

Historically I've stayed well out of this conversation between the two of them –DP handles all 'parenting' of DSS –but we're both feeling a bit stupid now after getting him an electric scooter for Christmas (not a small expense) so he can get to and from his martial arts training and school independently.

DP's leaning toward keeping the scooter back (without telling DSS about it so it's not a punishment, but he's also not getting 'rewarded', even indirectly), whereas I'm leaning toward giving it to him to save him travel time to and from school and activities and maximise the time available to him to study...

We're both open to being convinced in the other direction –it's just such a bummer.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 21/12/2021 16:06

I personally wouldnt punish him for not being that academic.
Why ruin his Christmas and yours of he is (extra) grumpy?
Deal with it after the holidays. New year more effort sort of chat... Actually my very academic dd didn't get that great in recent tests. School and everything is rubbish for dc right now. Give him a break op!!

candlelightsatdawn · 21/12/2021 16:13

Sliding between Covid has messed up many people's years and kids have had a rough time and appreciation at a dad who for once isn't disney dadding and taking firm stance.

Depends has DSS been putting in the work and it just gone wrong but just been a bit lazy and messed up ?

Personally though I would default to DH lead on this one

Original poster

penguinwithasuitcase · 21/12/2021 16:19

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage as I said in my OP, it wouldn't be a punishment, as we wouldn't tell him about it. So nothing would be 'ruined', we just wouldn't be giving him a significant boost to his independence with an expensive present just a couple of days after he's seriously flunked in his studies.

@candlelightsatdawn unfortunately it's that he hasn't been putting in the work –he's been lying to DP about having finished assignments that we later find out he never turned in.

And this is an ongoing pattern that's been going on for years –DP sits him down, talks to him, they make agreements... DP spent all summer sitting next to him for hours helping him get his head around algebra and DSS promised this term would be different, and yet here we are again.

I have a hunch there might be some ADD at play here, but I'm waiting for the right moment before mentioning it to DP.

OP posts:

GregTheEgg · 21/12/2021 16:28

Personally I wouldn’t mix Xmas gifts with academic success. If you thought it was a nice gift at the time then I’d just give it to him and worry about the school work after Xmas

Kbyodjs · 21/12/2021 16:33

I agree that I wouldn’t be mixing receiving Christmas gifts with academic progress. Give him the scooter and have a nice Christmas Day. Separate to that work out what he needs to do better - a tutor, more specific study time, motivation in a different way, more support at school.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 21/12/2021 16:45

Maybe a scooter would be a significant boost to his self esteem? Which may spur him on with his studies..
Ime teens hate relying on dps for lifts. Feeling independent may be a great incentive to study more.

aSofaNearYou · 21/12/2021 16:49

I would just keep the issue seperate personally, let him have the Christmas present but then knuckle down on the school stuff after Christmas.

LadyCatStark · 21/12/2021 16:53

The gift isn’t linked to academic progress so it seems silly to not give him it.

LonginesPrime · 21/12/2021 17:12

we're both feeling a bit stupid now after getting him an electric scooter for Christmas (not a small expense)

I thought you were going to say you're both feeling you made a mistake in not being hands-on enough to realise he was struggling this much with school until now.

I don't understand why his presents need to be changed because you've just realised he's struggling with school - unless you're planning to return the scooter and spend the money on tutoring for him, why is the present relevant?

Also, he presumably already feels rubbish if he's failed all his subjects, so could probably do with some cheering up. So if he would want the scooter, then that sounds like a great way to support him and not let his poor grades ruin his Christmas.

Bubblty · 21/12/2021 17:17

I wouldn't link christmas presents to academic success. He is who he is and should be loved for that.

ANameChangeAgain · 21/12/2021 17:22

Its really unkind and does not make sense to return something that would make getting to an from school easier. Instead work with him and school to find out how your dh can help him to improve. Focus on what he is good qt, not what he isn't.

JudgeRindersMinder · 21/12/2021 17:25

Has he ever been aware that his Christmas presents are directly linked to school results?

BobbieT1999 · 21/12/2021 17:26

Why are you only finding out about it now? If he's been failing that badly shouldn't the school have given you a heads up?

cansu · 21/12/2021 17:30

I don't think gifts for xmas and birthdays should be linked to grades. It is a wake up call to your dp that his ds is not being honest and is not working hard at school. Why not park this until after the holidays and deal with it then?

Original poster

penguinwithasuitcase · 21/12/2021 17:35

Christ on a bicycle, seems DSS isn't the only one who struggles to do a thorough job of reading the question... I always forget how much people skim on MN.

Here are the headlines again –@LonginesPrime perhaps the abbreviated version will clear up the bits you say you don't understand?:

We're not talking about returning the scooter, DP is simply considering holding it back a couple of months

I'm leaning towards still giving it to him to maximise time available to study

DP has been spending hours and hours with him on homework this term and throughout the summer, but DSS has been lying about having done assignments that he hasn't. DP is plenty hands-on, thanks, but DSS is 15, not 5.

We both said we're open to either option, so you lot in the binary brigade can pop your judgy pants away, thanks.

Nobody's talking about leaving him without any presents at all on Christmas morning –he'll still have plenty –but this is a big one, that's all.

And I've had a fab reminder of why the step-parenting board isn't worth posting on any more...

OP posts:

RowsOfHolly · 21/12/2021 17:37

Christmas presents are gifts of love and celebration of the festival, not performance related, surely?

Give him the present.

Then separately address the lying, the inability to complete assignments etc. And if he does need help with issues, sooner the better. Or research into routes other than continuing academic studies.

It doesn’t sound as if he is off the rails in other areas? Bad behaviour at home / drink / drugs / anti social behaviour?

RowsOfHolly · 21/12/2021 17:43

OP, that response to PP’s comments was really OTT and quite rude IMO.

Why else would you hold back the scooter if not in response to his results? People are just pointing out there is no connection, or that the scooter might help.

So most PP are in essence agreeing with you

NotTheGrinchAgain · 21/12/2021 17:44

I'd give him the present but come up with a more meaningful sanction regarding lying and making no effort- take away his devices after school, ground him, make him share his homework diary daily and show you all pieces of homework.

Original poster

penguinwithasuitcase · 21/12/2021 17:46

@RowsOfHolly compared to a lot of kids his age on all those other fronts, he's an absolute angel.

Sure, he's experimenting with stuff and pushing boundaries, but that's just being 15. Not what I'd call 'off the rails' at all. He's a lovely, sweet kid and I love him to bits (contrary to what the shitty committee upthread seem to be implying ).

As I said upthread, I have a hunch he might have ADD (the inattentive kind, not the hyperactive kind), but in the country we live in, it's practically unheard of. Something like 75% of kids who have it are undiagnosed here, according to a study I was looking at today.

So there's a chat for me to have with DP about the possibility of ADD –I'm just watching for the right moment, as things are really tough for DP right now and I want it to land like a relief that it might be that, not another pressure.

That's another small part of the question mark over the scooter –yes, the extra independence could be really great for him, AND it might be one more thing for him to lose / break / leave somewhere to get stolen, etc. etc., that may be a bit too much responsibility for him to handle just now.

OP posts:

Bubblty · 21/12/2021 17:48

That's another small part of the question mark over the scooter but presumably you answered that question mark when you bought it. It's only now you don't like his exam results that you're reconsidering.

Original poster

penguinwithasuitcase · 21/12/2021 17:56

@Bubblty

Not now that we don't like his exam results –now that we've seen he's much less able to be responsible and organised than we'd believed.

And it's not me reconsidering, it's DP and I having a discussion, coming down on slightly differing sides, and me coming on here to see what you all think.

@RowsOfHolly I'm sorry if it was rude, but I am so tired of people not reading posts properly on MN and responding in outraged or insulting ways when it's simply not necessary.

People implying DP hasn't been trying with DSS, asking passive aggressive questions, or making "I don't understand" comments that I've already addressed in the OP.

Most PPs have been perfectly helpful, yes –and a good handful have had a nice little jab. It seems it takes so little on MN these days for people to be sneering and scathing and I'm really getting tired of it.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 21/12/2021 18:10

It's really hard supporting a teen with ADD who's struggling with school, but it's even harder to be that child and to feel like you're letting yourself down and disappointing your parents and not doing what you know deep down you're capable of.

Why do you think he lied to you about having finished the assignments? If he is struggling with undiagnosed ADD and/or executive dysfunction, he's likely already feeling deep shame and is finding it difficult to ask for your help or perhaps even to make sense of it himself.

The scooter sounds like a bit of a red herring here as it seems there's a lack of consensus between you and DP as to how to support DSS with school - is that why you felt this was a step-parent issue? You could have posted in school, Christmas, chat, SEN, so presumably there's a reason you chose here?

LonginesPrime · 21/12/2021 18:19

People implying DP hasn't been trying with DSS, asking passive aggressive questions, or making "I don't understand" comments that I've already addressed in the OP

You responded to my "I don't understand" comment with far more information than was in the OP, so why did you add that if you felt the OP adequately covered it?

I said I didn't understand, you gave more context. If you saw that as my being passive aggressive (which would explain your weirdly defensive reaction) then perhaps you're best off talking to a friend instead of strangers on the internet where tone and intent can't be easily conveyed.

I'm neurodivergent myself. I say I don't understand when I don't understand. I'm learning that people apparently see that as a passive aggressive barb and not simply as my saying what I meant, so I'll use that phrase sparingly fron now on!

rookiemere · 21/12/2021 18:20

Let the poor boy have the scooter for Christmas. As you've said yourself it will save him time getting places, leaving more time for study.
If it was a matter of him being clever but lazy, it might be a different matter, but that's not the case and the Christmas present was never linked to getting certain grades ( most Christmas presents aren't).

RowsOfHolly · 21/12/2021 19:12

I think if he is lovely to be with and not acting out in other ways it does sound as if your thoughts about ADD could well be right. It would go with losing, forgetting, accidentally breaking stuff.

In which case, poor lad.

Will his Dad be responsive to the conversation?

Get the scooter insured

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