Adult step-son now living with us

[topguntopgun]

My adult step son is 22 and normally lives in another country with his mum. I am used to him spending approx 5 months of the year with us and has done this for as long as I have known him (since he was a teenager).

I care about him very much but he has definitely not been raised in a way I will will raise my children. He lacks any independence and acts very young for his age.

He has decided he wants to work in the same country as his dad and in the same line of work, and his dad is supporting him in doing this. So he has now moved in with us, but it feels like it is on a more permanent basis than normal.

We assume he will be moving out and getting his own place/flatshare in a few months and will be encouraging him to do so. I feel this is coming from me especially as I cannot have another man child in the house that I have to take care of. I have a toddler and a baby, a husband who doesn't cook (but does a lot of other things), and I don't want/need a young adult to add to the mix.

My issue is that although he is a nice guy he is completely useless at life and very selfish by nature.

For example:

• when he isn't working he is exclusively in his room, only comes out for food
• he offers no help/support with kids or anything round the house unless explicitly asked and I am sick of having to ask every single time
• he will receive Xmas presents from all the family, his grandparents, aunt, us etc, but buys nobody else anything...not his dad, or his new little brothers
• I arranged a breakfast with Santa with my other friends at the weekend in the city for my kids and said if he wanted he could come...he came, ate and spoke to no one and didn't even get up to see his brothers meet Santa for the first time. Just wasn't interested. It just comes across as so so rude...I don't want to exclude him but would rather he didn't come if he will just sit there looking bored.
• I'm hurt at his disinterest in his brothers
• he never initiates conversation with anyone but expects everyone to come to him and ask him questions (he won't ask any back).

We have a good relationship (he talks to me and tells me more about his life than his dad), but I am finding him draining and hard to live with. If I don't cook and serve dinner for him etc he just won't eat. I care about him and hate to see him getting skinny but I can run after him. His dad works all the time so it is always me that is with him when he is at the house and I am being driven mad.

His dad now says he might stay with us for 6 months. When I said no way, I am being accused of making him choose between me and his son. I just don't think it is fair that I am in this situation when he is an adult?

I am also stepping back and no longer cooking any dinner etc for him or his dad as I am sick of doing all the running and getting nothing in return.

So I guess I am asking if I need to be more tolerant? Am I an evil step-mother?

Does he contribute financially? Can you just think of him as a lodger? Because that is how he is presenting himself.

What age is he?

He doesn't. And yes, he is like a lodger, except that he joins us with all fun family things and brings us all down by sitting there not speaking or making any effort. So it is worse.

And I don't want a lodger, I am a SAHM and feel like a stranger in my own home when he is here. Am I the problem?

Oh sorry he's 22.

Yes as pp asked, does he pay rent?

Don't buy him a Christmas gift then, just a pair of socks, by that age they're not bothered anyway. Yes to charging him rent.

Well asking him to contribute financially might expedite the moving out process.

I understand your frustration but I think you are partially the problem. Saying / thinking he brings everyone down is unfair imo because he's a family member and therefore part of the everyone.

I genuinely do sympathize though.

I think your only option is to lay down strict and as detailed as necessary ground rules -

Payment for accommodation
Help around the house
Interact with people in the house.

But really I think the best thing you can do is try to change your mindset. He's moved in and wants to be accepted as a permanent fixture. Let him.

You need to change mindset a tad.

View him as lodger rather than a child that needs to be taken care of, he that can financially contribute to the house, you do not need to cook for him he's 22 years old, he maybe skinny but I bet when the waiter service stops he will get hungry enough to eat or find food. Stop dragging him to social occasions and drop any expectations of him other than a body in the house who needs to learn to be independent. Obviously keep the door open to things but don't go out of your way to try and get him to participate.

You as is he is entitled to set your engagement levels. I know that you want him to have strong bond with DC that is ultimately up to the kids to figure out. He will have to stand on own two feet eventually but some won't while your making life easy for him.

Do you get your toddler to put their toys away?

If yes then you need to tell your DH you expect his son as an adult to help around the house. Work out weekly chores he can do that won't completely f you off if he doesn't do them 100% properly.

Regardless as a PPs said he needs to pay board.

I wouldn't set a ground rule that he must interact with people when they visit or when he goes out. However as he talks to you, you should explain to him that getting lots of jobs and being promoted within a company in this country is done by networking. He needs to practice his networking skills with everyone of whatever age of whatever background at all times regardless of whether he thinks he likes the person or not as it will help in other areas in his life. With older people he should ask about talk about the weather and ask them about themselves, with children he should try playing simple games with them.

Of je isn’t paying rent, he needs to contribute in other areas. He can start with a list of chores like laundry, garbage, vacuuming, cleaning windows, moving furniture, itemizing the contents of the freezer (nobody does that IRL) but seriously, anything you find tedious and hard to get to with the kids. He can also get involved with them a bit by taking the dog for walks, etc…

I don't agree with charging children rent, but I do agree that adult children with an income should contribute to the food bill and clear up after themselves - in short, not to make additional work for you to do.

I don't think you need to include him in outings with your friends and small children. He's 22 not 12! I do think his dad needs to have a word about Christmas presents especially for his siblings and about interacting in the family and making an effort. He might be really shy and socially awkward rather than deliberately rude or difficult.

He is your husband's son and do I do feel he should be welcomed to live in the family home and not rushed out before he can afford it - but that does come with the condition that he pulls his weight.
Do I think a little adjustment on both sides. But it is hard to suddenly find yourself sharing your home with an adult child that you didn't raise and don't really feel you can start actively parenting at their age.

How does he spend his time? Does he just go out to work then sits in his room?

His dad should be asking him to prepare dinner at least once a week and that includes buying the ingredients. He should also be told his got say 3 months to save up a deposit to get a shared house/flat. And maybe some forced bonding with his brothers wouldn’t go amiss - some people have never met a child from their time in school and are scared shitless. Throw him in the deep end to watch them while you go shopping, he’ll realise that they don’t bite and playing with trains for 30minutes can actually be quite fun.

He is an adult, and as such I think you and his Dad (especially his Dad) need to make it clear that adults play their part in the household.

Let your DH know that you are really happy he has decided to base himself here, but that your JD as SAHM doesn’t cover doing all the food, laundry, cleaning and tidying for a grown adult.

Also, be careful with the mixed messages. Why ask him on a Santa trip? He isn’t a kid, he isn’t one of your friends.

You seem to want him as an adoring admirer for your own kids…. Let him care about them in his own way. Which might be to not take much interest, given their respective stages in life.

If he eats family meals that you cook, fine. But say while he is living as part of the household he needs to babysit a certain number of times a month. (Or, his Dad should say this). You cook, he clears without question: tell your DH this is a deal you expect him to enforce. Or else you will assume that the roles have been reversed, and you will clear after he cooks. Then sit, watch and wait with unruffled calm the following night. If no cooking ensues, take your small kids to Nando’s.

Rinse and repeat until father and sin both get the message.

No shouting, guilt tripping or barbs, just be factual as if you were managing a business contract. Which in a way, you are.

I don’t know, 22 is still very young in this day and age, rent is so expensive and a lot of adult children live at home much longer before they can get on their feet, so I don’t think that’s unusual. Would you want your own child out at 22? However, he should absolutely, contribute financially and help round the house. Just expecting everything done and paid for is not okay, but on the flip side you expecting him out isn’t okay either.

You can't expect him to show an interest in his siblings unfortunately. I would expect at least a token contribution to living costs.

And I think 6 months is a fair enough time limit for him to get on his feet and find somewhere to rent

22 yr - living in a new country. Yes I know he visited for upto 5 months when he was younger but that really is not the same.

He needs to find his feet, find a group of friends - not easy with Covid and learn properly about how the other half of his family works and lives.

6months is not that long to get used to all that. I moved to the UK when I was 18 - the first year was difficult. I thought I knew the UK - I really did not, my few holidays here had not prepared me for the realities and the cultural shock of life in the UK.

Sorry think you need to be a bit more tolerant but also set some rules and regulations. Now rellies visit and their DCs come over to experience the great OE - there are rules. 2 weeks sloth - bit of sightseeing, then we are down to serious details, bank accounts, NI nos, job hunting by 2 months I expect a job and once a job one month of pay and enough monies for a flat - 3-4 months max. Everyone knows the rules and no issues since we set them. However, I am not their parent - which probably allows for a bit more wriggle room when it is your DPs son.

I think it's a bit much to think that a 22yr old would want to go to Santa's grotto

@Didiusfalco

I don’t know, 22 is still very young in this day and age, rent is so expensive and a lot of adult children live at home much longer before they can get on their feet, so I don’t think that’s unusual. Would you want your own child out at 22? However, he should absolutely, contribute financially and help round the house. Just expecting everything done and paid for is not okay, but on the flip side you expecting him out isn’t okay either.

At 22 I was running a household and raising 2 young children. This wasn't all that long ago (this century). He's an adult and should be treated like one.

Living at home at 22 is pretty normal and there is no way I’d ever ask my child to leave at that age. Even if it ended my marriage.

Speak to your DH and set some ground rules about housework etc. Make it clear that he is responsible for any jobs that your stepson is meant to do but doesn’t.

Don’t make him choose between the two of you though. If he chooses his son your relationship is over. If he chooses you, you’ll know that he might be a rubbish dad to your shared children in the future. You lose either way.

I think that it would be reasonable for the father to say to the son that he can stay rent free for a minimum of 6 months with the condition that he sets aside money for a deposit on his own place during that time period .

I doubt that preparing an extra serving of food for each meal is going to put the dad in the poor house or be so taxing on the OP that she feels physically drained.

As an adult, he should be expected to keep his personal living space clean and to do his own laundry.

Stop inviting him to these family fun events designed for infants and toddlers. He probably does not want to attend but feels compelled to do so. Most young single males of his age do not usually engage with infants and toddlers.

Your husband is probably happy to have this opportunity to spend time with his son and to help him jump start a potential career in his new country.

OP, lower your expectations in terms of engagement with your young children and realize that this new situation will require adjustments from both you and the son. He is probably not finding this to be any easier than you are finding this situation.

I do think that he should not be expected to assist with the children as his presence is not creating work for you in terms of your children. If you would like him to load the dishwasher occasionally or to put out the trash those might be reasonable things to sometimes ask. If he had not yet started working, it is unreasonable to expect him to have money for Xmas gifts. He should, after working for a period of time, take you and your husband out for a nice dinner or provide some other thank you gesture.

He may have felt obliged to go on trips with you to see Santa but likely wasn’t interested. Since he’s showing no interest in activities with the children I wouldn’t invite him to more things. He’s an adult and doesn’t need to go.

Also you say he won’t help out with the children in the house but I’m not sure I’d expect that of him. I do think it’s fair he does chores etc.

22 is young so I think 6 months to find his feet is fair. The cost of rent or getting a mortgage is so high compared to what it was that it’s necessary for adults to stay with their parents where in the past they’d move out.

I meant to add that while it seems selfish to not give gifts it might not have clicked for him that as an adult it’s expected now. I know as a child/teenager it’s common to receive presents with no expectation to give anything. That only ended for him a few years ago.

Oh dear God. You have my deepest sympathies. Absolutely do not run around after him. And his dad needs to encourage some independent independence. Dragging him along to activities for young kids is not going to help the matter.

OP, I say this in the nicest possible way. You have absolutely no idea (and I mean no idea) how your children will turn out by the age of 21/22. They are a baby/ toddler and so much of their temperaments/ personalities are yet to be formed.
So please don’t sit here and base your view on your husbands childs behaviour based on how you think your children will be at this age. (I’m referring to your comment on how you will raise your children).

My nephews have been raised in the same household, same parenting. One is identical to how you have described your SS, the other is independent, mature, outgoing etc. couldn’t be more different. They are just very different personalities.

In terms of him living with you for 6 months? Wholly reasonable IMO. I’ve lived in England my whole life but when I moved to London, I stayed with my older brother/ SIL for 3 months as I found my feet - job, place to rent, friendship groups etc. It was so beyond helpful.

Now the key here is some ground rules:

• chores - absolute given. I would clean, do a food shop, cook dinner, I pulled my weight when I stayed and he should do the same
• what are these chores and how would you like him to pitch in? If it’s minding his younger half siblings for one or two nights a week, tell him. Is it cooking dinner once a week?
• rent? I personally would charge my child and take a portion of their money, but I would save it separately and hand it back for a deposit/ rainy day fund.

I think you need to isolate what is bothering you and how this could become a win win for you (or at least a compromise).

Personally if anyone told me my child couldn’t live back with me for 6 months as they moved to where I was? I’d show them the door. No debate.

I think you need to be more tolerant, loving and supportive.
22 is young. It'll cost him a fortune in this day and age to rent (wasted money).
Let him build up his relationship with his father, you, his siblings (but remember, many young adults really aren't interested in babies/toddlers/young kids, so lower your expectations).
When your own children are 22, can you ready say you'll kick them out of your home if they would benefit from staying there?

@Nowomenaroundeh

What age is he?

I have boys similar age and a lot of what you say is par for the course. Ie. Staying in his room and coming out for meals, not initiating conversations etc.

Regarding helping around the house, if he’s never been expected to do so before, he may not realise it’s expected of him. You need to sit down and agree to some household rules, chores he’s expected to do etc. Although it would be nice, dc do not morph into fully functioning adults at the age of eighteen.

Although you say you like him, You sound like you resent him.