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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Break up involving step children

30 replies

Dontknownow86 · 15/12/2021 19:37

My partner of 5 years and I have just broken up and we are going to need to tell his daughters soon. I'm really stumped on what to do for the best.

He wants me to keep in contact with them and for us to tell them together but I can't see how that would work long term, particularly as I relocated to be with him and am considering if I should move back home or not. I also don't think I'd cope very well seeing him with someone new. I also really dont want the responsibility of telling them it's over as it wasn't my decision.

I'm also feeling quite resentful as he had essentially told me that he kept the relationship going and pretended the was happy so he didn't upset his kids so I feel massively used and this is maybe colouring my view of the situation.

Have any of you done this before? I'm really struggling with what I should be doing.

OP posts:

BackBackBack · 15/12/2021 19:40

No. It's not your responsibility to tell them - they are his children not yours. And I suspect he's only wanting you there to tell them so he can pull the emotional heartstrings about keeping in touch. Which is not appropriate given that you don't know what your future plans are yet.

He needs to tell them.

HermioneWeasley · 15/12/2021 19:40

Do what you want to do. They are his responsibility, not yours. Don’t promise to love them and be a part of their lives going forward if that’s not what you want.

RedWingBoots · 15/12/2021 19:41

How old are the children?

The reason I'm asking is I know people who are still in contact with their ex step-parent decades later. The step-parent was around when the child was a teenager so the child could keep in contact themselves without any parental involvement.

However if the child is say younger than 13 then don't bother as it would require their dad's intervention for you to stay properly in touch with them.

Original poster

Dontknownow86 · 15/12/2021 19:45

They are 7 and 8 years old. He seems quite determined that we stay in touch but I'm not sure if that will ever change.

I don't really know if I want to stay in their lives tbh. It all feels so raw at the moment. I'm just not really sure I'll cope with it.

OP posts:

workshy44 · 15/12/2021 19:52

He wants you to stay in touch so you can be a babysitter for him I suspect - why else would he care assuming they have a mother

RedWingBoots · 15/12/2021 20:00

They are 7 and 8 years old.
No they aren't old enough to have a relationship with you independently from him.

He seems quite determined that we stay in touch but I'm not sure if that will ever change.
He's trying to have his cake and eat it.

Simply tell him it is not in his daughters interests to continue to see you.

If he tries to argue with you just keep quiet then when you are out of his clutches block him on every single thing way of communication/contact and don't see him ever again.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 15/12/2021 20:02

Say your goodbyes and walk away.
I didn't expect my exh to keep in touch with dc but the bastard could have said goodbye...

Aimee1987 · 15/12/2021 20:04

@RedWingBoots

They are 7 and 8 years old. No they aren't old enough to have a relationship with you independently from him.

He seems quite determined that we stay in touch but I'm not sure if that will ever change.
He's trying to have his cake and eat it.

Simply tell him it is not in his daughters interests to continue to see you.

If he tries to argue with you just keep quiet then when you are out of his clutches block him on every single thing way of communication/contact and don't see him ever again.

Do this

Original poster

Dontknownow86 · 15/12/2021 20:09

Do you actually think it's not in their interests? I've known them since they were 2 and 3 and by all accounts done the larger share of the parenting when they have been at ours. I feel so guilty as I know they love me. Do you think it's likely they'll forget/ move on ok?

OP posts:

Bringonsummer19 · 15/12/2021 20:13

@Dontknownow86 hmmmm from that age I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t be hard on them but equally you do have to protect yourself also. What if your ex meets someone else and suddenly won’t let you see them

Screwcorona · 15/12/2021 20:15

I think it might be in their better interests to gradually reduce contact, not just fully disappear. I don't know but I've lost a stepdad, he was divorced by my mum then died and my dad divorced my stepmum and I was never allowed to see her as a child again. Imo it was pretty upsetting

notagainnotagain · 15/12/2021 20:19

His decision to separate, his children, his responsibility.

Walk away. If you want contact, offer this through their mother not your ex

wildseas · 15/12/2021 20:23

I agree with Screwcorona about reducing contact gradually.

Can you agree 2 or 3 dates when you will see them (on your terms not his) and put them in the calendar and commit to them?

Then he tells them and lets them know about the dates but the message is that neither of you know what will happen long term.

Original poster

Dontknownow86 · 15/12/2021 20:23

I actually feel so angry, if he had just ended things at the point he claims he lost interest in the relationship they would have been young enough that I would have felt more confident walking away knowing i wouldn't be causing any lasting damage. I found step parenting so unbelievably hard to begin with too, it all feels like it's been for nothing.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 15/12/2021 20:38

It will be hard on them, but that's on him not you. I wouldn't let him use you any further.

He will have to tell his children, how would it even work remaining in their lives, especially if he brings home a new girlfriend at some point.

Bubblty · 15/12/2021 20:40

None of this is on you. He is the one who needs to tell them and I think a clean break would be best for them. He has used you and he needs to accept this.

Magda72 · 15/12/2021 21:15

Yes it will be hard on them but as others have said that's not on you.
Give his attitude I would not stay in contact as I would imagine that if he moves on at some point & the kids get a 'new' sm you'll be dropped by him like a hot cake.
Sorry to be so blunt but he sounds like a man vested in his interests first & those of his children second - then everyone else can just row in.
I'm so sorry you're going through this but I think for your own sake you should make a clean break.

BackBackBack · 15/12/2021 21:21

I agree with gradually reducing contact.

You have no legal rights of responsibility for these children - you don't have parental responsibility, so if he cuts contact there will be nothing you can do. He's already demonstrated quite happy to use and exploit you for childcare, so I would strongly recommend not putting yourself in a position where he can carry on doing this.

It's all very well him being determined that you stay in touch, but he'll only do this for as long as it suits him. I'd put folding money on the likelihood that when he meets someone else you'll suddenly be surplus to requirements, because he'll have another woman lined up to do the parenting for him.

Your relationship is over so he doesn't get to call the shots over what you do with your time or the decisions you make. Think about what is best for you.

Rogue1001 · 15/12/2021 21:49

All the pps are right that this is on him.

However, I would say that if you are putting the children first then I would say that saying goodbye to each other in person offers them closure.
You can assure them you love them and that it's not their fault. Let them know you're sad and will miss them and give them space to express their feelings.

I would also give them a mechanism by which they can contact you later if they want to.

You're not obliged to. You can absolutely just walk away.

But I would suggest this puts children first

JenniferWooley · 15/12/2021 22:30

I agree with PP's - the kids are his responsibility not yours. If he meets someone else or just decides it's not working he can stop contact & there's nothing you can do about it, which isn't fair on you or the kids.

Also, what happens if you meet someone, are they going to be willing to accept that you maintain a relationship with children of an ex?

My DD's still have a relationship with my ex but he was in their lives for 10 years, they had no contact with their own father and we have DS together. He's now married with 2 further DC's & everything is very civil & amicable with his wife accepting that he came with 3 kids not just one but I'm aware we are the exception to the rule.

MeridianB · 16/12/2021 07:18

This sound so hard on you, OP.

Because they are so young, it’s not going to be possible to have an independent relationship with them so if you want a clean break then it looks like you need to say goodbye. I agree with PP that his insistence suggests hopes of continued childcare, too.

If I was in this position, I’d tell the girls with him and answer their questions, making the number one message that this is not happening because of them and you have loved having them in your life (I’m sure you can word it better). Important to ensure they don’t blame themselves for you leaving.

Good luck 💐

unicornsarereal72 · 16/12/2021 08:10

My dad had three serious relationships when he left my mum. They were dads girlfriends and they were all kind but not significant to me. My Ex gf of 3 years ended their relationship. My dd who is now 9 never asks about her and ex moved quickly on to new gf. Kids adapted.

sassbott · 16/12/2021 15:31

I am in your shoes. A relationship of nearly 5 years ended this year. He too had younger children. (Similar in age to your exes).

One of the things we had always said when dating was that we wouldn’t just disappear from our respective kids lives. I didn’t want any of the children (mine or his) to suffer further loss having already come from divorced families.

The reality some months on is that my children haven’t mentioned him once. They have not asked after him or asked to see him (that being said, they are older and they’re dad is very much present in their lives so it’s not like a critical male figure has stepped away).

On the flip, I feel that he has used his children in order to stay in contact with me. The children have my number and have on/ off texted/ facetimed me. The last weekend I did it, they asked when they were seeing me and my children next. After that call I realised he had not told them we had broken up. I personally do not want to see them as previously that level of contact has eventually lead to reconciliation. Which I am not open to. I also find that time really hard because hearing little children I care about saying they miss me was awful and it set me back.

The reality is that if children are this young and have their key parents in their lives, they will adapt and move on very quickly. I personally think it is not your responsibility to tell them the relationship has ended. It’s his. He should let their mother also know so that she can also reassure and comfort the children.

After he’s told them I think its an option to say goodbye, I do think that is healthy. And whilst it might be very sad, it will give children closure. But you only do that if you feel you can do it.

Ongoing contact? My personal experience says no. It’s too painful. It keeps lines of communication open. And it stops the healing process / stops you from moving on. He also will at some point meet someone, how will that work?

I have told my ex to tell his children that he and I are no longer together. I have also asked that they no longer contact me. Ties need to be cut and we all need to move on. If the children were older and old enough to independently retain a relationship with me, I would have done so.

This young? It’s too painful and it’s not separate from the ex. That’s my experience anyhows.

It does get easier x

RedWingBoots · 16/12/2021 15:37

@sassbott if the children contact you again after Christmas you are going to have to block them. Harsh but it isn't nice for him to not tell them you have split up.

sassbott · 16/12/2021 15:42

@RedWingBoots agreed and I have already said as much to him. I don’t think he’s acted in a child centric manner, he should have told his children so that they could process this news and actually show them it’s ok for relationships to end.

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