I'm so mad - am I being unfair? Long, sorry, but I need a rant...

[Brangelina]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in the Relationships section as I suspect it's more a DP problem, but in view of the subject matter I thought maybe here was more apt.

I'm seething after a sequence of events that has pretty much confirmed DP's obtuse pig-headedness wrt to his DS and an abyssal lack of communication between us. Basically I'm not allowed to say anything that has his DS in the same sentence however diplomatically put, especially if my opinion differs from his.

The straw that broke the camel's back was a conversation we had last night about finding a babysitter for DD so we could go to a concert in February. I suggested we get one of the girls from DD's nursery. DP said no, said his 13yo DS would do it, the reasoning being that his ex left the boy alone at home for a couple of hours while she finished working and, as he has managed so far (after only 1 month) to not set fire to the house or similar, he obviously is responsible enough to look after another human being until late at night. I mentioned that I didn't want any 13yo babysitting our 2yo (so as not to single out his son in particular otherwise he'd get his back up) but was told it would have to be that or I don't go to the concert.

FFS, we're talking about a 13yo, and a particularly immature 13yo at that. This is the same boy who only 2 weeks ago refused to sleep alone in an upstairs bedroom in a friend's appt because he was scared, and ended up sleeping on the settee in the room next to our bedroom. Quite apart from that I wouldn't want even a mature 13yo to be in sole charge of a small child at night. What would happen if there was a problem, if DD was sick or something? I tried explaining this to DP but all I got was that I had it in for his DS blah blah blah.

I'm so tired to trying to reason with DP. I'm already spending Xmas alone with DD, as DP insists he won't travel with us if DSS can't come. DSS can come, but DP has to stump up for a hotel as we'll be staying with relatives and there is literally no room for that extra person, as it is DD will be sleeping in bed with us. But no, DP's too stingy to shell out for a hotel on top of the flight so he'd rather we didn't have a holiday at all...The big joke is we've never had DSS over Xmas as he's always been away on some trip and will be this year too, so wouldn't be able to come anyway! A similar thing happened this summer with DP neglecting to tell me that his ex had booked the same week as us so we never got a holiday as DSS wasn't coming and I can see this problem repeating itself ad infinitum and we'll never again have a family holiday all together.

The sad thing is that DP is a perfectly reasonable bloke for most other things, I'm just not allowed to have an opinion wrt yo DSS, I just get shouted down and insulted. This is really stressing me out and after last night I am seriously thinking of telling him to pack his bags. I've put up with all sorts of crap over the years (such as making plans with ex and not telling me) but the difference is now that DD is suffering for his principles.

That was long and boring. Sorry, had to get it off my chest

oh dear, all sounds very complicated and a lot of history there. but wrt this current thing, really its about appropriate care arrangements for a 2 year old - rather than about your dss iyswim.

another thought, could your dp just be being tight and not want to pay for real babysitters, hotel rooms etc

Have I got this right, if DDS is away at crimbo anyway, why are you spending it on your own with DD?

I would not let a 13yo look after any child of any age, IMO they are too young to deal with all aventualities.

He is being obstinate about his DS in general. What can you do? Mmmmmm, I would ask him to sit down and have this out once and for all. Get DD to bed and thrash it out, get to the route of the problem. Maybe he doesnt like being told what to do or views it as being told what to do. Ex's do that don't they?-I mean this in the context of what he may feel like re the ex IYSWIM.

He is a bit of a stingebag, that's true, but he's willing to shell out on expensive presents so in theory he should be willing to shell out on these.

I do think it goes deeper though. We would have been able to have a rational discussion if we were talking about anyone else. We've had a lot of issues in the past but I though that with the passage of time things would settle down and get easier but instead they get more complicated as new "problems" rear their head.

Surely the boy himself wouldn't be comfortable left in charge, if he still gets scared at being in the wrong room? Your DH is being an arse about this, you have to be happy with a babysitter and that's something he ought to know. Ask your SS yourself how he would feel about being left in the house in charge and what he would do in an emergency, or if the baby woke up crying and wouldn't stop.

This isn't about your SS, it's about the care of your child. I bet you if you called Social Services and asked them what they thought, they would strongly advise you against it. There is a hell of a difference between being in the house alone for a couple of hours, and being in charge of a 2 year old. If your DH doesn't know that, frankly he's thick.

I think 13 is far too young to babysit a young child or even be left alone for any lenght of time, so I don't think you are being unfair at all.

I'm not sure I fullly understand why your dp is not spending Christmas with you if your dss isn't coming along. Does this mean your dp is spending Christmas alone?

As for the holidays, your dp needs to become a bit more organised an consult with you and with his ex as to which weeks you are going to take. This is how we work it out. As each holiday approaches dp takes his diary over to his ex's and they work out what we are going to do and who will take which weeks, taking account of when I can take holiday from work. This means my stepdaughter usually gets two holidays - one with each parent.

What does your dp do with his holiday if he doesn't spend it with you and your dd?

Oh and no, you are not being unfair. Not at all.

Gosh it sounds like you are talking about my DH!

He likes to buy expensive stuff usually bl electrical but wont pay for a painter & decorator/builder to come in and sort our house out, not even little jobs. He's like Catherine Tate ''I can do that!'' and usually doesn't or does then leaves it.....

I don't know, I would be mad, mad,mad if I were you. Failing that, do you know what if I were you, I would make myself have the best best crimbo ever me & DD! Sod all that annoyance and things you can't change about this situation and him, just think to yourself NO!

Get him to sit with DD in Feb & go with a friend or if this thing in February is for him, tell him your just not going!!!!

Clearly your dh has some issues to do with his ds. And he's not being sensible at all. No idea what you can do about it though if he won't see that the babysitting thing is about what's appropriate for dd and would apply to any 13yo (esp. one who doesn't even want to!).

Yes he is an obstinate w*°ker. I've tried thrashing it out but he won't listen and just goes to bed in a bad mood. I've sent him emails putting my POV calmly. Sometimes they've worked but even then the effect has been short term. I'm getting so fed up of not being able to communicate I'm beginning to feel resentful about DSS. Sometimes I just wish he's disappear into a puff of air.

The Crimbo issue is about bloody mindedness. When he found out DSS had plans he was going to come for a few days but when I tried discussing what days (as in proposing hypothetical good solutions not just for him but for the people who are putting us up) he got all arsey and said he didn't want to be dictated to and wasn't going to come after all as he never wanted to. WTF? He was the one who suggested it in the first place, obv including DSS without asking anybody first.

YANBU

13 is far too young to be in charge of a 2 year old, the poor child would be terrified. I was left in hanrge of my 4 year old sister when I was 14 and the worry used to stop me sleeping. I used to have nightmares where I had lost her - even when I wasn't looking after her.

It's far to much for your husband to put on his son's shoulders.

If I were you & I'm not, I'd just get on with it.

Me & DH have this battle of who is going to put DD 5yo, to bed. I say battle but it's probably me waiting for him to get on with it while I wash & tidy the tea things away. Well the resentment has built up from me(probably not him) about this & I announced to him last night ''I WILL DO IT FROM NOW ON!'' I just cannot be arsed to think negative thoughts about him anymore, from now on ''I'm alright''. Just gonna blank all those thoughts from my brain and just 'DO'

Haven't got the answers clearly but f**k it haha.
ps, my DH is also reasonable some of the time.

I've had a similar situation in our family with my stepson. The way I've got round it is to tell my DH that it's not fair on him - i.e on the stepson, in case something happened to DD on his watch. I.e. - imagine how traumatised he'd be if she got a high temperature and had a febrile fit etc etc or imagine the worst, he'd always blame himself, we have a duty of care to him not to put him in a situation that is beyond him blah blah blah blah blah. Make it all about the stepson not your DD and you might get somewhere. Believe it or not, I had to invoke this line of reasoning again lately when DH insisted that Stepson could be my birth partner for the baby I'm about to have if he couldn't get back from work on time.
FFS as you say. I'd rather have Tinky Winky in there with me but managed to do the sympathetic, head on one side, 'yes, but think of the trauma for your son' line. Wankers.

I used to do that and detach big time but now with DD I feel I have to stand up for things or she would be missing out on a lot of things as time went on, all for his "principles".

This is what I see as unfair, DD doesn't understand now but she will at some point. I don't want her to go through life being treated as second best.

Siane your birth partner.

What is it these men have in their heads?

I have successfully in the past used the poor stepson line but lately it doesn't seem to be working anymore. DP's def going through a paranoid phase that I've got it in for DSS.

Siane you just made me chuckle

Brangelina, you are prob right, just using this detach technique to save my sanity. How about we all just go to the pub and have a cristmas drink yeah?

jesus, i'm open mouthed in shock at the idea of any kind of son as a birth partner2.

Siane - I was thinking about your birth partner thing all through my kickboxing class. I don't how you restrained yourself from clocking your DP, I'm not sure I'd have remained clearheaded enough to have come up with the trauma excuse. You obviously have had a lot of practice.

I must say that my problems seem insignificant compared to that, you win the prize for the most obtuse DP of the decade.

I'm on for the Christmas drink. In fact I'm on my third glass of wine already...

Siane - I was thinking about your birth partner thing all through my kickboxing class. I don't how you restrained yourself from clocking your DP, I'm not sure I'd have remained clearheaded enough to have come up with the trauma excuse. You obviously have had a lot of practice.

I must say that my problems seem insignificant compared to that, you win the prize for the most obtuse DP of the decade.

I'm on for the Christmas drink. In fact I'm on my third glass of wine already...

Siane - I was thinking about your birth partner thing all through my kickboxing class. I don't how you restrained yourself from clocking your DP, I'm not sure I'd have remained clearheaded enough to have come up with the trauma excuse. You obviously have had a lot of practice.

I must say that my problems seem insignificant compared to that, you win the prize for the most obtuse DP of the decade.

I'm on for the Christmas drink. In fact I'm on my third glass of wine already...

Very impressed with the kickboxing!wowee! I feel very lazy now just sat vegetating on my pc.

How do you feel now Brangelina?

I agree with the others- ds is 13 and actually very sweet and responsible but there's no way I would leave him in sole charge of a 2 year old, it wouldn't be fair on either of them. It sounds as though your dp has some kind of unresolved ishoos with his ds, he needs to take your views into account too.

Am also stunned at thought of even my lovely adult stepds as birth partner.....

This is totally irrational. Quite obviously the vast majority of 13 year olds (if any at all) would be unsuitable babysitters for a 2 year old. Not fair on either child. The person who suggested making an enquiry about this to SS is right .... maybe DP would accept it if they said it was a bad idea ?

It sounds as if DP has a huge chip on his shoulder with regard to his DS. It's not entirely uncommon with "absent" fathers and often caused by guilt. It's particularly common if relations with the ex are strained and the father lives on eggshells fearing that the slightest, tiniest "offence" to the child(ren) will be used against them resulting in loss of contact. Some dads also overcompensate once they have another child for fear of the same thing but this is totally skewed as a) the child will soon cotton on to the fact they can get away with things and take full advantage (what child wouldn't ?) and b) it's unfair to treat children within the same family with different sets of rules.

Would he be amenable to counselling do you think ? ..... sounds like you are banging your head on a brick wall and if he feels you "resent" or "pick on" his DS then a neutral 3rd party view on the matter might just get through to him. Obviously you don't sell it to him that he needs counselling (though I think he does !) ..... you say that you need to sort out your disagreements for the sake of overall family harmony.

FWIW I think it's incredibly selfish and mean that DD misses out on stuff if DS can't also be there to share it. Does DP really think that while DS isn't there he's sat at home doing nothing ..... of course he isn't. But your daughter is.

I'm feeling a bit better now thanks Cheeset, a bit of boxing certainly helps. It would have helped more if I could have zipped DP in the sack but hey ho...

Tamum, you hit the nail on the head. I think DP is overcompensating, particularly on the material front, but then it's his money and as long as DD doesn't go short I'm not fussed. I don't think the ex has threatened him, but then he never tells me what's going on other than presenting me with a fait accompli when he's made arrangements with her and neglected to tell me. That used to piss me off a lot in the early days but I've learnt to live with it and only put my foot down when it really is a problem.

I've tried suggesting counselling numerous times, even presenting it as for family gain, but to no avail. All my walls are dented from banging my head against them.

The annoying thing is, other than the stepson aspect, everything is fine in our relationship. The problem as I see it is that DP keeps moving the goalposts so the stepson aspect is beginning to impinge negatively on more and more of our (as in mine and DD's) lives, which I think is wholly unfair on her.

And no, DSS doesn't sit around twiddling his thumbs when his dad's not around, and he sees his dad less and less through his choice. He's frequently cancelled arrangements because he's had too much homework, or had a headache or preferred to go to a friend's, so I don't get why DP is insisting on bending over backwards to include him in things he doesn't want to be included in.

Sorry, I meant Catsmother.

Damn