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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Boyfriends/girlfriends in teens bedrooms

36 replies

time2tork · 07/12/2021 17:04

Hi.

Just generally looking to see what other people think of a 12 year old girl having her 12/13 year old boyfriend alone in her bedroom and them snuggling in bed? (Her own words).

Also a 14 year old boy having his 12 year old girlfriend alone in is bedroom also snuggling in bed.

I am a Step Mum to two children who are allowed to do this at their Mums house.

Their life and family rules is nothing to do with me, but I am also a parent and my children are getting older so I wondered what other people do in this situation?

Personally I think there should be more boundaries in place, maybe a door left open? Or cuddles with movies should be in a communal area like the downstairs sofa.

What have you done in the past when your teens have started having boyfriends/girlfriends over?

OP posts:
negomi90 · 07/12/2021 17:10

I think its too young. I also you need to keep your mouth shut in front of them, talk to their father and see his views.
You can have different rules at yours, but tread very carefully, make sure these rules come from dad and be prepared for them to come less.

Original poster
time2tork · 07/12/2021 17:29

Thanks.

Their dad thinks the same as me.

Their boyfriend/girlfriends aren't allowed to come to our house because we're 2 1/2 hours away so the parents aren't keen.

Just wanted some clarity. My husband has spoke to their Mum who doesn't see a problem, just wondered if we are being too hard on them with suggesting they leave their doors open.

Although my husband can't enforce the rules in someone else's house, he still feels responsible for the children and especially his Son. He wouldn't ever want his son in a compromising situation at this young age.

But, yes, I guess the kids are just growing up!

OP posts:
MushMonster · 07/12/2021 17:33

It would not happen in my home!
Firstly, they are too young, so bedroom would be out of limits, door open or not.
They can sit in the sofa, supervised. Nothing wrong with holding hands and keeping close, maybe one cuddle, but not need to use each other as teddy bears!
Give it two years, and big issues will appear if this carries on.
House, communal areas, or public spaces, and supervision.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 07/12/2021 17:36

I think it’s okay to have them in the bedroom but cuddling IN the bed? Like under the covers? Not just on the bed as it’s the only comfy place to sit in a bedroom? That’s not okay.

Original poster
time2tork · 07/12/2021 17:44

Thanks for the feedback!

OP posts:
MeridianB · 07/12/2021 18:20

@MushMonster

It would not happen in my home! Firstly, they are too young, so bedroom would be out of limits, door open or not. They can sit in the sofa, supervised. Nothing wrong with holding hands and keeping close, maybe one cuddle, but not need to use each other as teddy bears! Give it two years, and big issues will appear if this carries on. House, communal areas, or public spaces, and supervision.
This would be my stance, too.

In what world would anyone think it’s ok for a 12yo to be in bed with a bf?!

Their mother is going to have the potential of pre-teen pregnancy , STDs or statutory rape to think about if she’s not careful.

CloudyStorms · 07/12/2021 18:42

Not in the bed. They can sit on the sofa at that age no need for them to be anywhere near the bed.

But it's up to their mum what they enforce at their house.

Harlequin1088 · 07/12/2021 18:49

Oh hell no. That would not be happening in my home. Unfortunately, as you said, this is happening at their Mum's so not a fat lot you can do about it but still.... it seems extremely young to be allowing bedroom door shut shenanigans.

Original poster
time2tork · 07/12/2021 18:56

@Harlequin1088 I know. I have two girls of my own and I just couldn't.

I feel a bit helpless because I wish my step kids had boundaries - but at the same time, this is what they are used too and it's not my place to get involved.

Just praying for no teen pregnancies or rape claims! (If I said this out loud I would be very unpopular but everyone seems to be on a similar page here).

OP posts:
gogohm · 07/12/2021 19:06

My girls didn't even ask until 16, at which point I said fine.

I think their dad needs to sit them down and ensure they have all the facts they need to make good choices, once appropriate I would be sending them back with contraception too, better to be safe

Harlequin1088 · 07/12/2021 19:07

@time2tork Rape accusations/pregnancies was where my thoughts went to too. I wonder if their mother is just allowing this for the sake of a quiet life? Or whether she genuinely thinks it's the right thing to do? Either way, I don't think it's in the interests of the children to allow this.

ANameChangeAgain · 07/12/2021 19:10

Its a hell no from me. It puts too much pressure on the children or one of the children to take it further than they are comfortable. One of my DS's 13 year old class mates is sexually active and has already had to take a pregnancy.

Original poster
time2tork · 07/12/2021 19:22

@Harlequin1088 Their Mum generally doesn't see the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
time2tork · 07/12/2021 19:28

@ANameChangeAgain Scary!!

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 07/12/2021 19:31

Wtf??? That’s insane.

candlelightsatdawn · 07/12/2021 19:52

Nah noooo this is murky old ground and add in teenage hormones and lack of judgment due to age it's a storm ready to happen.

If you and dad are on same page you can literally say nope sorry not in this house.

Put a pin in it.

Original poster
time2tork · 07/12/2021 19:56

@gogohm I'll suggest sending them back with contraception to their dad.

I hope they don't treat it as a blessing to go off and do something!!

OP posts:
Original poster
time2tork · 07/12/2021 20:59

@candlelightsatdawn we live too far away for them to bring it to our house.

Just hope that nothing goes wrong!

OP posts:
negomi90 · 07/12/2021 21:10

Is it definitely happening or they saying things to get a rise out of you?
Because saying that sort of stuff is age appropriate.
And if its middle of the day, watching a movie with the door open, being bigged up into something big for attention. It might not be as bad as you think.
Unfortunately I don't think there's anything more you can do.

Blendiful · 07/12/2021 22:04

I agree definitely a no no at that age. Not in bed. It’s asking for trouble. Hormones are all over and things can escalate quickly, teens often don’t have a proper understanding of sex/consent is etc.

I think dad should be ensuring they have the knowledge of the laws and especially consent and then also talk about contraception so all are prepared just in case.

You can look up ‘cup of tea consent’ on YouTube it’s a good video to explain it to teens.

It’s such murky ground with all this stuff now and once something is said our there it can easily spiral out of control and affect so many areas of their life. Not worth the risk, even for a quiet life, so don’t know what their mum is thinking.

Harlequin1088 · 08/12/2021 07:33

Just to back up what @Blendiful has said, it might be worth Dad talking to them about sharing of images as well as consent, etc. Nowadays kids get pressured to share intimate images of themselves and that in itself is bad enough but because they're under age, it's then classed as making child pornography and the sharing of it is classed as distributing child pornography so there's a whole other can of worms being opened up there too!

It makes me sad that these kids seem very young but I think the right thing for your partner to do is arm them with sufficient knowledge so that they can hopefully make the right decisions further down the line.

Original poster
time2tork · 08/12/2021 09:13

@Harlequin1088 That's just it. All I want for them is to have as much knowledge as possible. Without them thinking it's a blessing to do something!

Consent is definitely a BIG thing nowadays compared to when I was a teenager only 10 years ago and they should definitely understand that there is NO consent.

OP posts:
Original poster
time2tork · 08/12/2021 09:14

@Harlequin1088 No consent under 16 years old I mean. Obviously after that it's a different story.

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 08/12/2021 09:30

No! Fuck that!

Unless their dad and you - with permission from their dad for the girl - want to be the adults sorting out their teenage pregnancy, STI or their issues with the police.

Their father needs to start having proper sex and relationship conversations with them, and give you permission as a trusted adult to answer their questions in explicit detail if they ask you.

Also their dad and you need to find out all their ambitions for jobs getting them to aim high, particularly for the girls, and push them towards it regularly.

And finally yes you will need to have contraceptives at hand for them but without all the conversations it is pointless as they won't use them.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 08/12/2021 09:40

No. 12 is far too young. They don’t have the emotional development to be making decisions around consent and their own bodies.

Especially when the boys are 14. They will be moving more towards thought of a physical relationship, and will be able to put more pressure on. At that age it’s not an equal relationship.