SD9 too bossy with DD2

[CactusLemonSpice]

They are sisters. SD is here 50/50. We all get on well but this is becoming an issue and I'm not sure how to handle it.

Fox context, SD is generally a very quiet/shy girl who doesn't find it easy to socialise. But at home is more outgoing, wants constant interaction/entertainment and doesn't do activities independently. Lots of those things probably due to being a bit indulged, e.g. extra treats and special attention whether at mums or dads, then mot around for the following days of tidying/prepping/housework. So, parenting and not my place to get involved there.

Issue is that this generally shy and unassertive kid, seems to be taking out these feelings on DD. I know that with big sisters, some bossiness/being in charge is normal and fine. But a lot of the time their 'playing' is just SD barking orders at DD, 'sit down/stand up', 'don't touch that' etc etc. I don't want to be the bad guy as I want SD to be confident and comfortable, but I don't want her main outlet exerting power and authority to be over my little daughter! The girls love each other, so it's not meanness, but it is constant and distressing for me.

I want SD to feel confident/comfortable, and we have a good relationship which is fun and I don't get involved much with rules/discipline as I think that's counterproductive. But DP is something of a permissive parent and also suffers from dad guilt when he (very occasionally) holds a boundary with her, because he then misses her the other half of the week.

How to maintain a balance here and not get too involved in parenting, but not allow my kid to be constantly bossed around by her sister? If both were my DDs I would call her up on it every time.

How old's your daughter?
It does sound like a bossy big sister which is pretty standard.

I think it's fine to pick her up on it when you notice her being too bossy.

"Come on SD, play nicely, that wasn't very friendly" etc etc. Doesn't have to be a big deal. I'd just tell her to stop each time.

@girlmom21

How old's your daughter? It does sound like a bossy big sister which is pretty standard.

She is 2. It is definitely beyond normal bossy big sister. All day every day, often unkind and just shouting orders for no actual reason/part of a game.

@LittleMysSister

I think it's fine to pick her up on it when you notice her being too bossy.

"Come on SD, play nicely, that wasn't very friendly" etc etc. Doesn't have to be a big deal. I'd just tell her to stop each time.

I might try this. Have gently explained to let dd do things her own way, a couple of times when it got really OTT. But the behaviour builds up again, and DP is sensitive about SD so I don't intervene as I would if DD were doing something like that, which then results in double standards (he's much more strict on DD). It's a bit complicated!

I'm worried if I mention it often, even gently, I'll then be accused of nagging.

You said it wasn't meanness but now you're saying she's being unkind.

If you do feel like it's too much you need to remind her to be kind/use inside voices/play together nicely.

If you're accused of nagging tell your DH that you're having to parent because he refuses to.

@girlmom21

You said it wasn't meanness but now you're saying she's being unkind.

If you do feel like it's too much you need to remind her to be kind/use inside voices/play together nicely.

If you're accused of nagging tell your DH that you're having to parent because he refuses to.

I suppose I mean, I don't think she dislikes her baby sister, she loves her a lot and loves bossing her around, and they are not arguing. But yes the behaviour itself is not nice and verging on bullying.

I get that. It's hard to find that balance, I imagine. Especially as you don't want to be accused of favouritism

Well sometimes dd is distressed due to this, yes. E.g. SD not allowing her certain toys/do things she doesn't want her to do (toys they are both allowed)

@girlmom21

I get that. It's hard to find that balance, I imagine. Especially as you don't want to be accused of favouritism

Yes. And the silly part is, if DD isn't playing nicely with SD I do ask her to do so. Every time. But I think that just adds to SD thinking 'we can all boss DD around and I am in charge as I don't get held to the same rules'.

I might try this. Have gently explained to let dd do things her own way, a couple of times when it got really OTT. But the behaviour builds up again, and DP is sensitive about SD so I don't intervene as I would if DD were doing something like that, which then results in double standards (he's much more strict on DD). It's a bit complicated!

Dw OP, I get it, I have 2 SCs too so understand the worry about your DP being more precious about SD.

Personally I'd just do what you know is right and treat them both the same - you've said you pull up your little one if needed so I would definitely to the same with SD. She will have seen you telling off her sister so if she tries sulking you can remind her of that, and same with your DP if he brings it up.

Thanks both for your advice. Sounds like you both think a gentle intervention would be okay if it does get OTT. Will try that if need be. Age gap is part of the problem as bigger girl gets special privileges as she is older, which is normal I think. We probably overdid it as didn't want her to feel pushed out by smaller DDs and still wanted her to feel special even tho no longer an only child. But don't want her to think it is her role/acceptable to be in charge of what dd is allowed to do.

I used to boss my little sister around when we were kids. I would still do it now if she would let me (as obviously I know best as big sister).

Does your DD seem upset by this? If not I would probably jokingly call your DSD a bossy boots or something rather than actually telling her off.

@KylieKoKo

I used to boss my little sister around when we were kids. I would still do it now if she would let me (as obviously I know best as big sister).

Does your DD seem upset by this? If not I would probably jokingly call your DSD a bossy boots or something rather than actually telling her off.

I also was a bossy big sister. But it does go beyond the normal big sister who is directing the gameplay type thing.

E.g. as well as general bossing her around, she will try and make rules like 'you do this or you won't be allowed e.g. pudding'. Not true and not a rule I use. And certainly not up to her. Basically she is getting too big for her boots . But then I don't want to take the wind out of her sails as she is clearly underconfident and using this to feel confident. However there is a line which crosses to bullying g. Yes sometimes DD is distressed, but also it is just not appropriate.

Worried as christmas holidays are coming up so this will be all day every day!

she will try and make rules like 'you do this or you won't be allowed e.g. pudding

I used to also do this. My mum would tell me that she made the rules not me and my sister would also tell me this much to my disappointment!

Try not to worry too much. Just gently call her out on. You are your DDs mum and therefore the boss.

Yeah, I think I will have to gently address it when it happens. Awkward situation but I have to try and work it out

You are the adult and you definitely need to firmly tell her not to boss her sister around, she’s 9 not 4!

With my older dc i would tell them “you arent the parent..dh and I are the parents, dont make up new rules please”. I think all dc go thru this stage, and it does need to be nipped in the bud or it leads to more sibling friction going forward. Maybe pre chat with your DH about it from this perspective and let him know you are going to be addressing it going forward as you want them to have a close sibling bond as they grow up

Everytime she oversteps your boundary and is too controlling of your daughter you must step in for your daughters sake. Sounds like you know the difference between a little bit of bossiness and controlling behaviour. Your daughter is not a plaything.

If you take all the additional issues away - the lack of confidence, split homes, no longer only child or only girl, the fact that being older comes with benefits etc - and just view the behaviours as you see them at the time, it may be easier to address.

What you’ve described and the fact that you say it’s verging on bullying and is pretty constant, would make me really uncomfortable. It needs to be stopped completely.

Next time they play, if it happens I’d explain to DSD why it’s unacceptable the first time and any if it happens again, they will need to play separately. Then stick to that. A 2yo entirely depends on you for support and as your DH is (bizarrely) opting out of this then you really need to step in. Of course, also praise when DSD plays nicely.

I’d explain to DH what you’re going to do next time it happens and why. It’s not criticism of his DD, it’s addressing this behaviour. She doesn’t get to bully any child, let alone one seven years younger. He should support that, regardless of any sensitivities!

@MeridianB

If you take all the additional issues away - the lack of confidence, split homes, no longer only child or only girl, the fact that being older comes with benefits etc - and just view the behaviours as you see them at the time, it may be easier to address.

What you’ve described and the fact that you say it’s verging on bullying and is pretty constant, would make me really uncomfortable. It needs to be stopped completely.

Next time they play, if it happens I’d explain to DSD why it’s unacceptable the first time and any if it happens again, they will need to play separately. Then stick to that. A 2yo entirely depends on you for support and as your DH is (bizarrely) opting out of this then you really need to step in. Of course, also praise when DSD plays nicely.

I’d explain to DH what you’re going to do next time it happens and why. It’s not criticism of his DD, it’s addressing this behaviour. She doesn’t get to bully any child, let alone one seven years younger. He should support that, regardless of any sensitivities!

That is a good way of looking at it. It is funny as I seem to have internalised some kind of parenting guilt on behalf of SDs mum and dad. I notice I am extra sensitive about possibly upsetting SD, perhaps overcompensating for being a step parent not her parent.

You are right, without all my overthinking this is simply unacceptable behaviour and I need to set a boundary.

I need to work on not feeling sorry for SD and justifying bad behaviour and giving special treatment to SD as that won't be good for any of the kids in the long run. SD not being held accountable for some bad behaviours has actually lead to those behaviours getting worse in the past, can't let that be the case with this.

Simply I would turn around to the older child and say for her to stop getting involved in parenting, she is the sister not the mother. Regardless of whether she is your step daughter or your actual daughter it's not right. My 10 year old step daughter tried and I've shot her down and she stopped.
Why would you tell a 2 or 3 your old for spilling a drink anyways, the 12 year old has high expectations of young children and therefore isn't fit to have an opinion

Thanks all. I should say that SD is a lovely and well behaved girl in most ways and probably wouldn't be behaving like this if I'd set the boundary properly in the first place. Time to be the grown up!

Also focus on giving positive instructions.

"The rules in this house are... "

Being kind to one another

Sharing

Taking turns

The adults make the rules

Rather than:

"Don't be bossy" etc

Then the same rules applying equally to each sister.

Toys that aren't being shared used to get removed in our house to diffuse the situation.

Lots of praise for when the older child is behaving well. And maybe get her a little reward and tell her it is thanks for being a kind big sister - once she starts being a bit more kind.
Many children are bossy with the younger ones and controlling! I know my younger children are now well able to manage the older ones, the orders are water off a ducks back!