I'm really struggling in my new role as step mum to my husbands 6 year old, I need some support . Can anyone help?

[Nelli29]

I have just got married (110904) to a truely wonderful man whom I love very much, and everything is perfect except for the fact that he has a coniving x-wife who insists on making things difficult, he also has a 6 year old little girl who is lovely and we get on very well. The problem really lies with me. I'm finding it increasing difficult to cope with situations and am desparatly trying to find someone who is in the same boat who understands where I'm coming from , because at the moment I feel as though I'm abnormal feeling the way I do. I have not got any children myself but have always wanted to start my own family , maybe this has something to do with it. I just need to talk to someone. Thanks for listening...k xxx

not a step mum myself, but can see it must be very difficult at times. i think a certain degree of jealousy/resentment over a past that you didn't share with your DH is a pretty normal human emotion! can you give us a little more detail about what you are finding it hard to cope?

Hi Nelli29
i totally sympathise - i cam on to Mumsnet about 21/2 years ago when i found myself really struggling to come to terms with being a step parent to 2 boys who were then 2 and 4. i had no experience of children, had no desire to either! I was a very independent spirited person who suddenly found herself having a whole load of freedom taken away from her. I hated my life, i hated myself for resenting the kids, i hated the ex and because she was very difficult (understandably as my dp left her for me) i found the kids a constant reminder of her.
i cried A LOT. even thought ths kids were always really cool with me, i was the one with the problem, and i did my absolute best to not let my feelings felt to the boys, so my dp felt the brunt of my anger, frustration, panic and utter desperation at times.
what made it harder is that i felt totally alone -none of my friends had kids of their own never mind responsibility for someone else's kids. so talking to other stepmum's really REALLY helped.
now 3 years after i got together with my dp we are trying for a baby of our own, and i know that when this succeeds (i have fertility problems which is another story altogether!) a lot of my remnent resentments towards the ex will vanish as i have to admit that i am very envious that she has these two lovely little boys and that in the end much as they adore me they will always adore her more, and that is hard to take at times. But i think it's natural to feel this way.
whtever you're feeling you're not the first to feel it and you won't be the last!
if there any specific issues (discipline, interfering ex, confused loyalties, etc) then talk it all out here or if you want to contact me directly you can CAT me.
lots of luck and best wishes
vg
xx

Hi Nelli

Three years ago i was in exactly your situation. My DP moved in and every other weekend we had his six year old to stay. The six year old was adoreable (most of the time) but the ex wife was atrocious and caused horrendous problems...feel the need to say that I met my DP two years after his wife left HIM so no reason for resentment. Three years on and we still have problems with the ex, but at least now me and DP don't let it destroy our own relationship, which it did three years ago, frequently. The ex's problem was that basically my house was too small (although bigger than her own), I owned a dog, smoked (have since given up), swear (when not in childs company), work from home (!) and basically breathed. We've even had her call and ask SD what she was going to be fed for dinner and then have SD tell me that she couldn't have it and to feed her x instead...sweetcorn not peas! This weekend she was told she was not allowed to 'play' in her clothes at our house!!! I could write an entire essay on this woman but life is too short. Just try and remind yourself that the child is only a 'symbol' of the ex and not at fault. I adore my SD but sometimes see the ex in her which is very frustrating.

I was under the impression I couldn't have children when I first had SD so it was doubley hard that a child, of which I had always wanted, caused so much heartache.

Good luck with it.

Thanks vg, A big sigh of relief that I'm not going mad! I'm at work at the mo so will log on later with more detail. Would be really grateful for any help. You said in your message that I could CAT you?? Sorry but I'm new to all this , what does CAT mean? thanks again. K x

I was also a step parent to a 5 and 7 year old ten years ago and found it all very hard. I think there are lots of reasons - I didn't want them to exist is the bottom line! I wanted children myself too and wasn't happy that my (now ex) p had kids already, I wasn't used to having to look after children 24/7, I resented the ex (even though he left her for me so she had every reason to resent me rather than vice versa!) etc etc.

I did get on well with my two sdds but I dreaded every visit and could never really work out why but am glad to see I am not alone (no mumsnet back then!!). It got better when I had my dd because they were so sweet with her and loved her so much and also I was more used to devoting my time and energy to others so didn't resent them.

I think the only answer is time. They say it takes between 2 and 10 years for step families to settle down and it does.

I have now split from the ex but am still in touch with the sdds although they are teenagers now and their Mum and I have become good friends - never would have seen that one coming I can assure you!

I am seeing someone with 3 dds so might be about to do it all again but I think I'll handle it much better this time around!

Good luck with it and don't be too hard on yourself. As long as your sdd can't tell how you feel you'll be OK eventually!

Hi feel free to rant and rave to us all, that's what we're here for! Ex's can be a bit of a pain at times, sometimes it's because they're looking out for their kids, other times, because they're looking out for themselves.....when I got together with my dh, (I have a 6 year old ss, who was 3 at the time) they'd already been split for 2 years, but as my other half had done the leaving, (not for anyone else, just his own sanity) closure was missing on the ex-wifes part, and we had a hell of a battle getting full closure on the monetary side of things as well (she'd kept a clause on his future earnings in the divorce...grrrr....but all sorted now ;0))

Ex wife now has man and is happy again, = very happy extended families all round....

Which I guess is the hard thing to come to grips with, not only do you have a DH and a dd to deal with (instant kids!) but your suddenly dragged into a whole world that exists, when usually you have your own and these things grow over time....and it sounds like ex wife hasn't come to grips with it all yet either......

I don't like to give advice as obviuosly its down to individual interpretation, but feel free to contatct me if you like.

go to contact another talker at the top of this page and you can send an e-mail to my personal e-mail address.
it does make such a difference knowing that you are not alone and what you are feeling doesn't mean you're a nutter or a wicked evil person - which is what i felt - mad and bad!!
it's the hradest thing i've ever done - it was like a baptism of fire - esp[ecially with my youngest step son, who did treat me like this interloper at times, and as i had absolutely no experience with a tiny toddler who couldn't communicate on any level that i could relate to!
definitely the hardest thing to being in an "etended family" is the ex, and whilst we are on very civil terms i can't say we are all friends, i know that i have it easier than an awful lot of other stepmums out there!

Hi Nellie29. I met my dp almost 6 years ago. He too has a daughter who was just four when I met him. I can't begin to list all the problems that we've had and managed to resolve over the last few years. Many of the problems involve the ex-wife. I started a thread a couple of weeks ago called tiresome ex wife (sorry, don't know how to do links) because even after several years of step-parenting I ind it hard to cope at times. I'm sure whatever you are going through now, most of us have experienced at some time, so do share it with us. It certainly helped me.

Hi Nellie... for what it's worth.. you aint alone...

A new anything takes time to get used to and we all have to learn to to what ever it is - sometimes by asking for advice, ranting, raving til someone hears us... We hear you.

Have you managed to come to terms with being married yet? Congrats by the way...
The only relationship you should put you trust in at the moment is your marriage. If that is strong and healthy, the rest will follow... eventually.

Your feelings are not at all abnormal. The times I have felt like running away from it all... argh I still do at times... but what you have to focus on is detaching yourself from BM and what her problem is. It is a reluctance to let go of her time she had with your dh. A lot of it is jealousy and resentment. She sees that you have what she doesn't. When her children are visiting, this is all she has left and she is giving them over to you. She will feel insecure about this.
There are many things you can do but the only thing you should do is to ignore it. DETACH DETACH DETACH

You will also need strong support from your dh, so when you do have a moan or need to talk about how you feel, he can listen without feeling the past is being dragged up.

Listmaker is right in the time scale of settling down... you also have a new marriage... as long as that is strong, you can do almost anything.

Remember that you are not the childrens mother and it is easy for dh and BM to forget when it suits them... and visa-versa in BMs case... anyone to blame, she will... and you will be it.

As for having children... your new life has just begun... find out who you are first... you may never know how much of a wonderful mother you are and you could be in the near future... BM will settle down... eventually. Just detach from all that is worrying you regarding BM and the stepchildren. DH must play more of a supporting role here.

Being a step mum is one of the hardest things to do. I am sure being a step child isn't easy either. Step back. Take a look at all, you will find the right path.

{{{HUGS}}}

Hi Nelli,
CAT means Contact another Talker (basically email them direct) The option for this is at the top of this page.

Hi everyone, Thank you all for you replies. Its such a relief to know I'm not the only one. There are so many issues and emotions involved I don't know where to start. The first and most important is the my sd does seem perfectly happy and does not seem to be affected by our troubles. She is a beautiful little girl, who I enjoy spending time with when we're on our own but when its the 3 of us I feel this enormous pressure on me. Again I feel the problems lie with me. Firstly I can't help comparing myself to my dh ex, in everyway. I worry that I don't measure up, which I know is ridiculous, but I can't help feeling that they share something that I will never be part of. Something which untill we have a baby I will never really understand and part of me is so envious of that it hurts. It consumes me, and sometimes makes me act in way that I don't recognise or like. I realise that my dh is married to me and that he loves me and everything else is perfect and the above is just the tip of the iceburg of the very mixed emotions I have. Even typing this I feel like I'm wrong to have these feelings

HI
Firstly congrats on your wedding. I'm a stepmum to two children and they are lovely, however I have struggled and sometimes still do and its been over 3 years now, I found it difficult as the children are not mine and so feel less empowered and obviously don't have the depth of feelings as the parents do. My advice to you is to makesure when the child is at your home, its free of any questioning about her mother or what's going on, just try and be a friend not a replacement mother and if the child says my mum said this etc, try and find an answer which won't undermine the mother or if its about you, just say that 'I don't understand, as your mother doesn't know me' or something like that. As I found that my partners ex wife was grilling the kids about everything, being very nasty about me, I was being told 'my mother hates you' etc, and in the end kids are smart and they realised their mother is not behaving the right way and so they start enjoying your home more because they can be kids and the pressure is off. One thing that helped me was when certain situations with his ex were uncomfortable I took solace in thinking that she is threatened by me and so I must be doing the right things and so continued. You are certainly not abnormal, its tough, in so many ways. You'll be fine and good luck.

You are not wrong to have those feelings, you would not be human if you didn't, however please do not compare yourself to the Ex. You are you, you are not anyone else and you will never be anyone else (am I making sense) and Dh would certainly not be with you if you were ex, or are anything like ex, you are a completely different person with different strenghts and weaknesses and this is obviously why you are worrying.....Have you ever thought that Ex may be wanting to be more like you? and is worried that you are going to replace her? Which you are not, of course, as that would never happen, but its a thought that will be running through Ex's mind, as she sees sd going away to her new family. I know its hard becoming part of an extended family, but if you continue as you are doing, giving dh and sd lots of love and support it will get easier. Dh and Ex will always have sd to tie them together, but that is all that links those two people, dh has his new life now, with you and including sd, and hopefully your own children, sd's little brothers/sisters when you have them. I know this sounds like I'm preaching, sorry, just trying to give a spot of advice, but try and enjoy practising your parenting skills on sd,(most parents don't get the benifit of a test run! and believe it or not, there is no wrong or right, its all guesswork and help from mumsnetters!) then when you have your own, from her age upwards, you'll have it already sussed!!

God I really relate to you when you say that your dh and his ex share something that you will never understand until you have your own child. i remember back in the early days bursting into tears at a bus stop when my dp was talking about his experience of childbirth - i was so pissed off/gutted that he was talking from experience and that experience was with "HER" and not me. it's so totally irrational but you can't help it. of course it is a sign of insecurity and gradually i just grew out of it.
much of this was to do with feeling more secure within myself with regards to my position as a step-mum. Even as recently as this summer I got all emotional because I find it hard at times knowing that as much as they love me and vice versa they already have a mum who is number 1, and i know i do such a good job of it!! Like i said, and as you seem to feel too, much of this will vanish when my dp and I have a child of our own.
With regards to comparing yourself with her, that is torture. tell yourself that your dh is with you, he is not with her for a reason, and as long as your dsd loves you then you can tell yourself that you are doing brilliantly as a stepmum, in what is, lets face it, bloody hard work emotionally.

I feel like I should give you a little background, dh and I met 2 years ago, which was 2 years after he split from her.(she had an affair). She remarried in jan 04, In august 03 when her now husband proposed she immediately texed my dh and told him his daughter needs him and that she loves him. dh didn't react so she had to let it go. we were going to get married in july but when we stupidly told ex so we could arrange having sd, she then went straight out a booked a holiday for her and sd so we would have to change our plans. There are so many things like the above, I know I need to let them go , but just as I feel I am just about managing then something else happens! My dh is a very active father which is great I know , but again feelings run high with situations like today for instance, dh is meeting ex wife to meet sd new teacher at school. He goes to all sd concerts, sports day, christmas plays, all without me and I feel excluded from this part of sd's life and as though there is this huge line that I'm not supposed to cross.This obviously increases my feelings of dh having something special with ex with regards to sd, and although I am very aware how hard this is for dh aswell as myself but I can't help feeling very frustrated.

I suspect he is frightened - frightened that if he brings you along his ex will cut his contact with his daughter. That's pretty much unimaginably terrifying to someone like your dh who is a great father. I think you need to talk to him about it. Say how much you would like, say, to go to his daughter's Christmas concert, but ask if he thinks that might make his ex go mad. Does her new husband attend these events? I have to say, my husband goes to these family things either with me, or on different days to his ex (she can hardly bear to be in the same room as either of us - the loon!). I don't think it is a special thing he has with his ex at all, after all, he is married to YOU - but more motivated by the desire to make his daughter happy (which is great) and a desire to keep his ex sweet so he can continue to be a part of his daughter's life. The problem is that in this process, you feel shut out of this hugely important part of his life, and I can totally understand how painful that must be. Which is why I think you need to talk to him, while understanding that this is a subject where he might feel very vulnerable and defensive - he might even think you are asking him to choose between his daughter and you. Obviously you aren't, and you need to make that crystal clear, but say that you love her too, that you want to be a family and to be involved and that you would absolutely love to see her at her Christmas concert, for example.
I think when you have a child of your own, the situation may change, as he will see that you are the mother of his first child's sibling and it can (ideally) cement the family by building blood ties to the ties of love and marriage.

And you have the enormous security of knowing that your husband is a fantastic father before you even have kids. He will be just as devoted to any children you have together and that's worth an awful lot in a marriage.

It did take a while before I started going to sd's Christmas concerts and other school stuff because of my dp feeling awkward about me being in the same place as the ex, but we have got over that. We now have our own baby and it does make things easier, particularly if we do all have to be together as the focus can be on the baby and not on the weirdness of me and the ex being in the same place. When my sd went away on a school holiday, dp and I, our ds, the ex and her dp all went along to wave her off.

Feelings of resentment and jealousy are inevitable, but they will go away. I remember feeling upset when dp talked about the birth of his dd, but those feelings did go, even before I had my own ds. And, as aloha says, you know that your dh will make a great dad and there are huge advantages to having a baby with somebody who has done it all before. You also seem to have a good relationship with your sd which is something to be very grateful for as so many people struggle with this.

Otto, you mentioned about going to school plays etc... how long was that until you felt able to go? I haven't been invited... do I wait until I am? What about BM? I don't want to intrude.
I've been a step mum for only 5yrs now. I;ve learnt alot since and from being here on MN. I certainly haven't had the guts to go to things like that.... eek it terrifies me.

Nellie... you are completely normal hun. Do not ever underestimate your feelings. They are normal. I know you agreed to marry your love and know that he has children but no one can prepare you for the rush of emotions that happen when you least expect them. No one asks you or tells you that you have to love these children yet you (figuratively speaking) do your utmost to. No one tells the children to love you, yet they are seemingly put in this position where they are told (usually by BM) where their loyalties lie. How many children do you know who have loyalties - they are all over the place with their own friends at that age! They cannot be expected to fall in love with us... no matter what the BM is like.
The situation about you not being their mum is just that. You are not their mum.
I have children from the sperm donor of my life but none with my dh. I have thought about it and know that my children and the skids would love it to be but we are both past it now.

You will be a mother to your children and this will be such a wonderful dream for you. Stop beating yourself up hun. Your life is just beginning. Keep focussed and breath deeply... keep repeating to yourself - detach detach detach

Hugs for you and your dh, for a bright and babyful future!!!

Thanks everyone for all your support. There are so many issues that are racing round in my head. Hope I'm not moaning on too much but its great to get everything out. One of our main disagreements is that about 2 1/2 years ago (before i knew dh) he had just left the ex and bought a house which he was decorating. When sd cam to stay they slept in the same bed, to give each other comfort in a difficult situation. I can totally understand this, leaving sd broke dh heart, and he misses her so very much. I can only imagine how hard this is. Sd was 4 at this point. I moved in about 18months ago. I realise that to make sure that sd doesn't feel like she's losing her dad or that I am pushing her out etc things have to move slowly, but I just can't help feeling that sd should be in her own bed. This has caused many a heated discussion between dh and myself as you can imagine. I decorated her bedroom for her etc but she said the bed is 'stupid and too small' but she insists on sleeping with dh in our bed ,So up untill a month ago I've slept in the spare room or on the sofa! (Sd and dh now sleep in the spare room)We have just bought sd a new bunk bed and have told her that she can move into the spare room (which we will decorate etc) and the plan is for her to sleep on her own. She puts herself to bed at home and sleeps through on her own. Dh is still saying that he will sleep in with sd if she wants him too. I can't help but get apprehensive and uptight before sd even arrives!! What do you think? Am I being unreasonable as I think my dh thinks so?!

Hi Nellie, hope you dont mind me butting in right now but have only just caught up with your thread. Best advice from a step mum of 7.5 years this time and 4 years with ex and his children is......

DONT COMPROMISE YOURSELF,,, from my experience if you do you will build resentment.

Never say a bad word about thier mum in their ear shot.

Give them love and support and BOUNDARIES!!!!

Do not allow them to abuse you, dont try and be their mum or friend try and be a great young Auntie type ie, role model/mentor, someone they can rely on.

Personally for me, i was not comfortable with the kids in bed with us and made it quite clear to my dp, strangely at the time i thought it was unnatural as they were 7 & 8 and not mine. And i still have to say that i felt it was unnatural however now dp and i have our own kids and our bed doesnt represent the same thing to me anymore

Being a step parent is really really difficult, there are times that i resent there impact on my life and my kids life, i dont resent them because they do bring enormous pleasure but it does add enormous issues etc that frankly are sometimes just too exhausting, but thankfully i do love them dearly, they love me too and they adore their half brothers. After 7.5 years relationships with their mum are almost amicable most of the time and i would actually rather have them full time or for longer stretches than the upheaval of weekends but then again he ho!!!

In so far as the sleeping arrangements are concerned could you suggest that she is reaching an age that a) perhaps it is inappropriate to sleep with dad b) she may well be subconciously dividing and ruling between you and her dad and that isnt very healthy.

I wonder if you could suggest that a friend comes to stay next time in her room with her for a sleep over, i wonder if it may help her feel less isolated in your home and help her feel like it is hers. Do you think she feels it is her home to ? You know it may also be that your dh needs to be close to her perhaps he could stay with her for a little while in her room until she falls asleep?

Hope some of this helps, and remember you are not alone, bad or mad!!!

The hardest thing i had to deal with was recognising that i had deluded myself into thinking that i would love my stepchildren just the same as i love my own. I still hate to admit it (and i wish i was angelic enough not to feel this way!) but i do love my own kids that bit deeper !!!!!

Is your sd coming this weekend?

First of all, JoJo38 I started going to sd's school things when she asked me to make her costume for the nativity. Her mum was supposed to sort it out and didn't get around to it, so sd called me two days before and asked me to do it. There was no way I was going to miss out after I'd gone to that effort. I've been to lots of things since, including parents' evenings. I've also had to take sd to school loads of times so have got to know some of the other parents and know who the teachers are, which makes it all easier.

Nellie29. You aren?t being unreasonable at all. Your sd should be sleeping in her own room now. I can understand why this has happened. My dp used to share a bed with his dd too, for similar reasons. Your dh is obviously really concerned about hurting his dds feelings, but you have been living together for a while now and he does need to stop this, otherwise his sd will realise that she is able to manipulate him.

I don?t know how to get your dh to realise that this has to stop. You?ve obviously tried discussing this with him. Try again and explain how it?s important that your sd has her own independence and needs to create her own space within your home. If he won?t listen then maybe you could go for a compromise with a view to phasing this out altogether in a few months. Maybe she should be allowed to share with your dh for one night only for the next couple of months and then start to phase it out after that.

Also try and get your sd involved in decorating the room. Get her to choose things and get to help with the painting, that way she may feel it?s really her space and want to stay in it. Does she have some of her things from home that she can put in her room? My sd brought over some of her teddies to our house. My dp also usually reads to his dd before she goes to sleep so she has him to herself just before bedtime.

You and your dh do need to be on the same side for this to work otherwise your sd will think that you are stopping her from sharing a bed and that will have a detrimental effect on the relationship you have with your sd.

Thanks for your replies. Sd is not due this weekend although it is her birthday (6th) and she is having a party but neither I nor dh are invited. We had our own party last weekend,and made a fuss over her, but I think obviously its at times like these that dh misses sd the most. Everyone keeps saying I should learn to detach myself from the situation which I am slowly learning to do with regards to bm, but for instance at sd b'day party we had gp's over aswell who obviously miss and love sd and so spoil sd and make a fuss over her , which is how it should be but I felt an overwhelming sadness, I just felt alone, and not involved even though I obviously am. Does that make sense?
Sd and I get along very well, which is great but the whole discipline thing is another area which is a mine field!! and dh is very reluctant to disipline too much for fear of upsetting sd and then sd not wanting to come to us next time?! I feel however, its important for her to have rules and boundries here aswell as at home, for her sake as much as ours. Sd has already learn't that I can only say and do so much and that the final word lies with dad, and I find this hard to deal with aswell especially as dh can't see it, yet when we spend time on our own just sd and myself she is the sweetest little girl and we have lots of fun and she listens to me and its great, but as soon as dh joins us she just changes in fact they both do. I think we are all so bemused as to what to do for the best, and I'm sure whats not helping either is the ideas that bm is putting in sd head. I find it all so difficult, does it get easier? I wish Dh understood more, but I don't think he can detach himself enough from the situation to really feel inside what i feel, but then should I be thinking about the situation more from his side? Am I selfish? I feel like I am ? I really do understand how this is a difficult situation for all involved , even bm, but sometimes all I can think about is how I'm feeling and then I feel guilty because I'm being selfish and the picture is alot bigger then just me.
Thanks .... K x

OMG - this sharing the bed has GOT to stop.
you are his WIFE!! What is this teaching his daughter - that she is number 1 and you are relegated to the sofa, and therefore number 2. It could so horribly go wrong later on in life. And as for discipline the two of you MUST show a united front. it's absolutely no good her knowing that in the end what you say doesn't actually hold any sway, all she'll learn is that she can go to daddy to get her own way every time. she's only young so she may not have learnt the power of manipulation. But I would be very worried of her becoming a very spolit and manipulative creature if you don't start asserting yourself and your rights.
I can understand that your dh may be nervous of upsetting his daughter, but children have to learn that this is life - tough as it is, rules are rules.
It sounds as if he's got a whole load of guilt issues too, which is absolutely no good -it's such a crippling emotion and it's obviously totally clouding his judgement.
Ask him how he'd feel if he was hearing of this as an outsider. How fair and how, quite frankly, healthy it is for him to sharing a bed with his daughter whilst you have been relegated to the spare bedroom?
I absolutely refused to have our step-sons in bed with us - and because of my stance we don't suffer with the getting into bed at 5am every morning syndrome that BM puts up with. We have a little boy who sleeps til 7am and when wakign up with a bad dream will be soothed into going back to sleep in his own bed.

You?re not being at all selfish. You obviously spend quite a bit of time trying to do what?s best for everybody else and your feelings are getting pushed aside. I once read that it can take up to ten years for a step-family to settle down! I don?t think it does take that long and it does get easier.

You musn?t be too hard on yourself. Most people find it hard to deal with the first couple of years of marriage. You?re having to adjust to a new way of life that includes the emotional baggage of a divorce, a child that?s not your own and an ex-wife. That?s quite a lot to get used to.

As for the discipline, your dh quite clearly doesn?t want his dd to have a bad time in your house, but it?s important that there are rules and that you can both enforce them. Does your dh talk to his ex-wife? If so, it might be a good idea for him to discuss discipline and routines with her. That way your sd won?t be able to play one parent off against the other and you and your dh will be able to put some bounderies in place without dh feeling too guilty as he knows they apply in both homes. Your sd will be a much happier person if she knows what is expected of her in terms of behaviour. It does sound as if she knows how to wrap her dad around her little finger. I think this probably happens quite a lot. It certainly did with us for a while, then my dp realised that his dd wasn?t going to hate him if he asked her to behave and she respects him for this.