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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSS's mum punched him - what next ?

52 replies

Hop27 · 03/12/2021 10:02

DSS's mum is erratic, with bursts of volatile behaviour. DSS is hugely protective of his mum and stays with her most of the time, stays with DH and I, when he wants. Used to be EOW, but that is now pretty flexible as he's a teen. He is welcome in our/his home as much/little as he wants.
Recent the erratic behaviour has been getting more frequent and intense, with DH getting called by DSS asking to be collected from his mums because she's drunk, they've been arguing etc. He'll come and stay with us, but ultimately leaves after 1-2 days because he's worried or because she's begged him to come back.
Last night DH got called by DSS to collect him, clearly distressed. DH had to leave his Christmas party and I drove to collect DSS. He later admitted that his mum had punched him. He doesn’t have any visible marks, but is obviously distressed. DH has explained that he needs to stay with us for now. But he is just desperate to get back to his mum. My first instinct is to report it. Is that the right thing to do?

OP posts:
TooMuchPaper · 03/12/2021 10:03

That would be my instinct too.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2021 10:04

How old is he?

Santaischeckinglists · 03/12/2021 10:09

You must report. One day you may need enough evidence to sadly keep dss away from her for his own safety. And one day he may push her back. Can't just be him that gets into trouble then.

Skysblue · 03/12/2021 10:27

I would actually ask social services for advice about how to deal with this.

WinterFoxCub · 03/12/2021 10:29

I would report. And not allow him to return to her. Because now this has happened you need to be able to explain to the powers that be (either now or in the future) that you did everything you could to protect him.

I am so sorry for you and your DSS.

LadyPenelope68 · 03/12/2021 10:31

You must contact Social Services or the Police to report it, otherwise you are not protecting him. I would say it needs really to be your DH rather than yourself.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/12/2021 10:34

Poor boy. His loyalty to his mum is stopping him from seeing that's she's being abusive. Could he be persuaded to move in with you both for now but he can go and see his mum whenever he likes, just shouldn't stay.

MrsBison · 03/12/2021 10:36

What's a DSS? Department for social services?

Fleur405 · 03/12/2021 10:39

This is a terrible position to be in but I’m afraid I would report it. It sounds like quite an abusive relationship with the child feeling responsible for looking after his mother. She needs help and he needs a safe, stable environment to live in.

LandoMilkNHoneyBadger · 03/12/2021 10:47

@MrsBison Dear Step Son in this context I think

Original poster
Hop27 · 03/12/2021 11:10

He is 14.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 03/12/2021 11:11

I would definitely report to social services - a parent punching a child is totally unacceptable, and it does sound as though she has a drinking problem and is emotionally abusive to boot. What is your DH's take on all this, as he is the other parent?

ittakes2 · 03/12/2021 11:15

Does his school know what he is dealing with?

5zeds · 03/12/2021 11:18

Tell school. Ask that they can be super vigilant as you feel the situation is escalating (if you do). Ask for advice on how to proceed

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2021 11:19

I think Dad needs to sit him down and tell him he can't go home right now and they need to get Mom some help, which starts with them telling someone what happened and DSS being honest if it's ever happened before

CiderJolly · 03/12/2021 11:20

It’s the right thing to do.

Kippersfortea · 03/12/2021 11:22

What a horrible situation, your poor DSS. His Mum sounds very volatile and manipulative. I would be seeking advice legally, from social services and NSPCC, or whatever other agencies. If I was the DH I would be pushing to have DSS live with my full time for his own safety, at least until the Mum can get help for her issues. And then maybe supervised contact? I can't see how it should ever be unsupervised unless there are some major changes. How sad all round

Myonlysunshine123 · 03/12/2021 11:23

Oh my god, I cant imagine punching my 14 year old. Poor kid, and with him desperate to get back it's like hes just looking for approval. Not a healthy or safe environment.

Tattler2 · 03/12/2021 11:50

OP, your partner might help his son find an AL- ANON group in your area and he might consider going with his son to a few of the meetings.

His son has a safe environment in place. He needs to find ways to process and handle both the actions and hos feelings about what is happening in the home with his mom.

If the mom is concerned about maintaining a relationship with her son, perhaps this situation can be leveraged to force her to seek help for her alcoholism.

madisonbridges · 03/12/2021 11:51

I think you have to leave it to your husband to report because if you do it, and he gets prevented from seeing his mother, he might resent you. He might resent his father but they have a different type of bond. Any pressure on a relationship should be on theirs as that is the one least likely to break.

LaMontser · 03/12/2021 12:03

@MrsBison

What's a DSS? Department for social services?
Yes. The Department for Social Services’ mum has punched it and OP is worried about it.

OP - if anyone else had punched him what would you do? Then do that. Im glad you’re there for him x

LadyDanburysHat · 03/12/2021 12:11

He is not old enough to make this decision. Dad needs to make it for him. He needs to stay with you right now, and definitely it should be reported. It sounds like he has a very unhealthy relationship with his Mum.

Bobbybobbins · 03/12/2021 12:22

I think your DH needs to report this.

IncompleteSenten · 03/12/2021 12:23

Of course it must be reported.

KateInHappyland · 03/12/2021 12:25

Report it and encourage him to give a statement. It will be helpful that this incident is logged if anything happens again and you need to keep him safe.

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