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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSS's mum punched him - what next ?

52 replies

Hop27 · 03/12/2021 10:02

DSS's mum is erratic, with bursts of volatile behaviour. DSS is hugely protective of his mum and stays with her most of the time, stays with DH and I, when he wants. Used to be EOW, but that is now pretty flexible as he's a teen. He is welcome in our/his home as much/little as he wants.
Recent the erratic behaviour has been getting more frequent and intense, with DH getting called by DSS asking to be collected from his mums because she's drunk, they've been arguing etc. He'll come and stay with us, but ultimately leaves after 1-2 days because he's worried or because she's begged him to come back.
Last night DH got called by DSS to collect him, clearly distressed. DH had to leave his Christmas party and I drove to collect DSS. He later admitted that his mum had punched him. He doesn’t have any visible marks, but is obviously distressed. DH has explained that he needs to stay with us for now. But he is just desperate to get back to his mum. My first instinct is to report it. Is that the right thing to do?

OP posts:

ThisissoSHIT · 03/12/2021 12:27

@Skysblue

I would actually ask social services for advice about how to deal with this.

Agree with this, dss and his mum both need support.

SoupDragon · 03/12/2021 12:27

@SleepingStandingUp

I think Dad needs to sit him down and tell him he can't go home right now and they need to get Mom some help, which starts with them telling someone what happened and DSS being honest if it's ever happened before

I agree with phrasing it like this.

She clearly needs help and your DSS needs to be safe. Neither of those things are going to happen if nothing is done. He can't go back there.

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 03/12/2021 12:32

I would report and I wouldn’t allow him back. But I would talk to him about it
He clearly feels responsibility for his mum, and that he needs to be there to look after her. She clearly is encouraging this mindset. He needs to understand her addiction, and that the adults in his life are dealing with it, so he can be a child.
I would look for someone for him to talk to.

Weeteeny · 03/12/2021 12:34

This is almost a mirror image of the situation I am in with my 14 year old. I have had to pick him up distressed from his father's this year. His father has a drinking problem in my opinion but denys this. Weeks later my son disclosed to me that in fact his father had punched him on this night ,witnessed by his fathers partner. He also disclosed horrific emotional abuse leading up to this event which now explains a gradual reluctance up to spend time at his father's house uo to this night.

Like your DSD, My son had idolised his father and it took a lot for him to tell me the truth of the situation. I did not report to the police as my son begged me not to.

He has taken the decision himself to cease contact which has obviously not been received well by his father . His father justifies his own actions as normal father /son behaviour . It is not. He even commented that my son would go through life meeting people who do not like him and he just needs to learn to deal with that (referring to his partner who has a history of unpleasantness towards my son)

I had to seek legal advice however as we did have a residency agreement in place . My son is now resident with me 100% of the time .

I wish now that I did report to the police. As the process would have been easier and this would be on record even if not proven. I would recommend that you do as this will only get worse.

From my experience, I would also think that what your DSS is telling you is potentially just the tip of the iceberg , it took a considerable time for my ds to disclose the bigger picture as he was so protective of his father.

Please take action and protect your DSS

Justtobeclear · 03/12/2021 14:32

This definitely needs reporting but be very careful about how you do it. This is an abusive relationship and he may not feel ready to discuss it outside of you and his dad.
Doing it without his knowledge will drive him to his mum especially if he has a strong instinct to protect her and make him very wary of trusting you with anything in the future. It’s awful but a really positive sign he’s trusted you with the truth. Could you get some advice from domestic abuse/alcohol abuse charities on how to support him to report or empower him to realise that this is not a healthy situation? I know he’s only 14 but he will have a strong bond with her and it won’t be easy to break him away no matter how awful her behaviour.

Original poster

Hop27 · 03/12/2021 20:48

It's his summer break at the minute so we can't tell school. DH is hesitant too report it, thinking it will cause more issues if SS appear on her door. But it's just the last straw for me, she just can't get away with being like this.

OP posts:

astoundedgoat · 03/12/2021 20:53

He needs to know that somebody has his back, and that somebody must be his father. He's a baby - he's too young to make the decision to protect a violent, alcoholic abuser. He's supposed to be enjoying a carefree childhood, not this.

Please do everything you can to protect him.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 03/12/2021 20:55

Surely we have learned of late that no ss at the door is worse?

Dimsummummy · 03/12/2021 21:06

Better to be hated (temporarily) - and the biggest rock in his childhood that he (and maybe his future partner/kids) thanks, privately, throughout his whole life - than liked and let him down like every other adult he has ever known, ever has?

Original poster

Hop27 · 04/12/2021 09:45

His mum picked him up today. We couldn't convince him to stay

OP posts:

Aimee1987 · 04/12/2021 20:42

Im so sorry to read your update.
I think given hes gone back it's even more important that you report it.
Go to ss and the school then there is a record.
Ths poster who said you need to be carefull about how you report it has made a good point however I think you need to break that confidence to protect him here.

Original poster

Hop27 · 04/12/2021 22:13

DH and I are really lost on how to support him, we don't think it's healthy for him to live with her anymore. We'd prefer him to stay with us, but he in his own words 'wants to be in his own space' he won't admit that it's because his mum manipulates him to come home. At 14 he's old enough to make his own decisions but young enough that this will cause long term damage.

OP posts:

Supersimkin2 · 04/12/2021 22:21

He's going back cos she's threatened to kill herself or similar - well known part of the abuser's pattern.

Heruka · 04/12/2021 22:24

OP I can’t stress enough that you have to report this, to police, not SS in the first instance. This is a criminal assault of a child, who is now in the care of the person who assaulted them. You need to phone the police immediately.

Birdkin · 04/12/2021 22:31

I’m sorry OP but at 14 he isn’t old enough to make decisions that will put him at risk. I know it’s really hard but you really do need to report this, he feels too guilty/responsible for his mum so you (your DH really) need to step up and make a decision in his best interest even if it’s not what he wants right now.

MiddleEasternMummy · 04/12/2021 22:45

Unfortunately if you do report he could just deny it to protect his mum and then you'll have lost his trust and driven him further away .
Really difficult situation.
I know I'm probably being crazy but have you spoken directly to his mum ? She doesn't sound like she'd engage with you but it's worth a shot maybe ?

BootsScootsAndToots · 04/12/2021 22:49

How am I reading one thread about poor Arthur and then this one asking if you should report this too SS??

Surely you can see there's no other option? Why would you even need to ask??

And fuck your dh if he thinks it will cause more issues.

Pascal80 · 04/12/2021 22:56

It is up to his Dad to deal with, really. You are not a relative or guardian of the boy.

Heruka · 04/12/2021 22:58

@Pascal80

It is up to his Dad to deal with, really. You are not a relative or guardian of the boy.

This doesn’t matter at all. Child protection is everyone’s responsibility. You could not know the child and still be responsible to report when they have told you a crime has been committed against them.

BootsScootsAndToots · 04/12/2021 23:09

@Pascal80 what a shit comment. How is the responsibility to report abuse limited to his dad, relative or guardian?

It's everyone's responsibility to report abuse!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 04/12/2021 23:10

What's a DSS? Department for social services?

DSS = Dear Step Son.

Is he worried she'll harm herself when she's drunk ? Pr maybe she's said "If you lwave me to live with your Dad Ill do xyz"

Can Al-ATeen ( Al-Anon teenagers section) help , he needs to know he is not responsible for her drunkedness

What a huge responsibility on his poor shoulders

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 04/12/2021 23:16

He's a baby

He isn't a baby , he's a young teen and would be horrified to be infanticised . He's in a really shit place being torn between what he must feel is his his responsibility to protect his Mum and keep himself safe .

Has he said how bad she gets when she's drunk ? Does she put herself / the house/ him in danger ( aside from the punch)
Does he think she'll drive or leave the gas on and the door open?
He needs to know he can call the Police if he feels threatened

Blossom64265 · 04/12/2021 23:20

He is the child of an abusive alcoholic. At 14 he is not old enough to make his own decisions about where to stay. Like all children in this situation he is dealing with complex emotions because the person who he is supposed to trust the most in the world is actually the person he can trust the least.

His father has to step in and protect the teen. The only way to do this is through legal channels. He must make a report to social services.

He can also support his son by getting him into therapy or by attending al-anon. I’m personally not a fan of Al-anon, but it does work for many people.

Summerfun54321 · 04/12/2021 23:40

In my opinion this is really black and white. Children shouldn’t be punched. Therefore it needs reporting.

Beveren · 04/12/2021 23:56

It would be really helpful to talk to social services about support for his mother so your stepson doesn't feel so responsible for her all the time. It really can't be healthy for him living with someone who is always drinking and it must be adversely affecting his education. It's probably worth discussing that with the school.

A friend of DSis's was in this situation. Ultimately at 18 he realised that nothing he could do was going to protect his mother and, as she had had several accidents whilst drunk, sooner or later she was going to hurt herself really badly or even kill herself. So he moved out for the sake of his own mental health. That actually provided the shock that made her seek out support and, though she can't be described as well, she's considerably better and more stable now.

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