What access do you allow your ex's to have over xmas.

[clairejo]

I am a step-mum to be with two children of my own. I would like your thoughts and experiences of what access dads are allowed with their children over christmas or are you all selfish and keep dc to yourselves. Only asking as my df seems to have to plead for anytime at all.

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ds1 goes to his dads at 10am boxing day and i get him back at 7pm on the 27th.

As my ex only bothers himself with ds twice a year during the last 10 years since we split, I've never worried about this. At one time, I probably would have been happy for him to have ds over Xmas. But I think now, after I've done all the hard work and he hasn't bothered, then I would feel within my rights to be 'selfish' as you put it, and tell him to bog off.

I'm a divorce lawyer and this is one of those questions which comes around every year without fail.

These are the most common solutions:

1. All Xmas day, poss inc. overnight Xmas eve, returning after tea Xmas Day, on alternate years, and on the alternate years, all Boxing day or Xmas Eve

1. One year, see them Xmas morning, next year Xmas afternoon.

Hope your df can get something sorted.

Not sure about that OP I have to say.

Had my ex been bothered to turn up to see Ds2 when he was 2 weeks old, as planned, amicably, or at least bothered to ring and tell me why he wasn;t coming, or rung me since to explain, I might be considering it.

But he didn't do any of those things.

Ds1's father told me 3 years ago that he would get in touch once he was 'settled'. He has since married and never been in touch.

I even rocked up to their house last week to invite him to Ds1's first Christmas play, he declined, I left, I am going to stop ranting now as it is upsetting me.

Selfish??

Ex-h and I alternate Xmas week with our dds each year, I have them all next week. My ex-h will have them for Xmas week next year - we like some continuity, rather than rushing around. They will also sometimes have an hour or so with other parent on Xmas day or subsequent days - whatever they want really. The Xmas they are not with parent, they celebrate Xmas II on New Year.

My step children always visit Boxing Day, and stay over as long as they want after - but they have never spent Xmas day with my DP since the split.

twinkle I agree with your situation most definitely and didn't mean to upset you.

The OP was asking in light of a father who does want to be involved. Perhaps advice from similar situations would be the only ones necessary.

We can have DH's DD whenever we like, but every situation would be different depending on the X. Perhaps negotiate, as mumblechum has suggested 2 scenarios.

Mumblechum it was never written into their divorce settlement agreements for christmas.

sorry, overreacted, I am doing it a lot recently, please don't worry x

No, brownsuga, the op asked what access do you allow your ex over Xmas and then suggested that if you didn't then you were selfish!

I am stepmother to two boys, and my partner and I have a daughter.

We are having the boys to stay with us for one week, from the Friday before Christmas until the Friday after Christmas. They are, however, going to their mother on Christmas Day - from about 11 am until 11 am on Boxing Day morning.

thank you brown suga. He just wants what is best for his son but I feel that for her it is when it suits. (Not just at Christmas). She comes up with comments like he is spending time with his family (ie her side) and it is so annoying.

If this is becoming a big problem, I'd suggest that he asks his ex whether she'll go to mediation to try to agree a schedule, on the basis that if she won't, he'll make an application for a defined contact order in the County Court.

Can he do that even though they have been divorced for 5 years

Well DP and I both have DDs, mine stay with us, his DD comes to stay every other wekkend, and whenever else we can manage it.

Both of us have the same agreement with ex-spouses, which is we take turns every year for Christmas Day itself, then whoever didn't have the DDs for CD will have them for the following 2 days and have them on NYE.

It is such a difficult time of year, but this is the only way we all felt was fair.

HTH

(to ClaireJo), yes he can do it anytime until they're grown up (16 in practical terms)

my ds1 age 6 has been to his dad's every xmas day since we split up 3 years ago. i have xmas morning with him, then dad picks him up at lunchtime and brings him back boxing day. i tend to do an 'alternate' xmas either on xmas eve or on boxing day. not ideal but i do get to spend 90% of the rest of the year with ds1, and its important to his dad (who is GENERALLY not ex from hell)so i go along with it. ds1 just thinks its normal to have several xmas days - and actually presents get spread out over longer period which works well too.

My brother is recently divorced. Last year he had DC's to sleep over christmas eve so he could open his presents with them on christmas morning. He then took them back to xSILs early on so they could then do the rest of their pressies.

This year, it is the other way round. He gets to have them from about 10.30 christmas morning and overnight till boxing day.

how does he go about it mumblechum.

you all sound so nice. Every year since they split he asks for xmas day, overnught xmas eve etc but gets told no maybe next year. It just seems so unfair. He has never done anything wrong. She had the affair and left him not the other way round.

Xp's elder dd is bringing him over xmas morning for an hour or so like last year.

At the mo he is trying to guilt me into asking him to stay for dinner. It won't work though.

First find out where your local family mediation service is. They will charge, but a lot less than a solicitor. Get them to send your df some leaflets, then write to ex with a leaflet asking if she'll agree to mediation and say if not, he's going to make an application for a defined contact order.

If it comes to it, you can get the application form from the court or online on www.courtservice.co.uk. There is a fee payable.

He sends 2 copies of the application and the fee to the court and they set it down for a ten minute hearing. At the hearing, the court won't make a decision but will tell both parents to file a full statement of fact. In most courts they'll also appoint a Cafcass officer to meet both parents, new partners, the children and the schools and then to file a report giving a recommendation. The Court isn't bound by the recommendation but it does carry a lot of weight in the decision making process.

In theory, there'll be a final hearing but in most cases, if the Cafcass makes recommendations which both parties can live with, a consent order is filed, signed by both parties recording the agreement. The judge will just seal the consent order, making it legally binding.

Although it is possible to do these proceedings without a solicitor, it would certainly help to have one.

thanks mumblechum. that link doesn't work.

dh has to plead to see dss. we have set days to see him even when that fell over xmas we wasnt allowed. she does it to spite dh i am sure ( not going into too much)

i used to see my dad every boxing day