Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DSS telling other children I'm his mum

38 replies

Joojoonuts · 27/11/2021 22:28

So DSC came to live with us full time a couple of months ago after years of chaos living with their mother who has mental health issues. They experienced a lot of trauma and confusion prior to social services finally deciding to put them into our care however they have settled in extremely well and it almost feels like they've been living with us full time forever as other than the expected chaos of suddenly having 3 more children around the house, it has felt so easy and natural having them there all the time.

The children still see their mum fortnightly however they don't mention her very often when they are with us although are happy to go visit her. She doesn't do very much with them. Social work had a number of concerns regarding their wellbeing in her care and one of these was that they were very isolated and she would lock herself and them indoors for weeks on end and they would not attend school or see anyone outside their household during this time.

This week I took the youngest to soft play. He's 5. While he was playing with other kids twice I heard/saw him point to me and say, "that's my mum". No one appeared to have asked who i was or anything so he said this quite randomly both times.

DSS knows I'm not his mum and I know that despite everything that they've experienced he really loves his actual mum so don't think it's wishful thinking but I'm not sure what this is about or what's the best way to approach it. The most likely thing i can think of is that he has never been able to say, "that's my mum" before as she has rarely taken him to anything for him to be able to do that, or maybe he just didn't know how else to refer to me.

I'm not sure what's the best thing to do now. If DP or I should speak to him in a careful way about it, or if we should just leave it for now. I don't want him to feel rejected by me bringing it up as if i don't want him to call me that (not that I do want him to call me that, but I'm just thinking in the eyes of child it may seem that way) and I don't know if by mentioning it then we'd just be making a bigger deal out of it than is necessary but on the other hand I know it would have a severe impact on his mum's mental health, and could affect her behaviour for the worse, if she ever heard him refer to me as mum so I'd be scared not to address it and for this to be something she ever hears or finds out about if he was to say it at other times. A big part of her isolation of her and the children was caused by extreme paranoia which she suffers from, she will very easily believe that people are lying to her or out to get her and I've no doubt that if she heard this it would send her mind into overdrive and I'd be worried about what would result from that.

We've never really spoken about me being a stepmum to him, and maybe he's too young to know much about the concept of a stepmum so what if rather than a proper 'talk' about him calling me mum, we just slipped into conversation about me being his stepmum and maybe an explanation of what this is? Or do we need a proper discussion specifically about him calling me mum? Or given everything they've gone through and that he's still trying to get to grips with it all are we best just not to say anything for now?

OP posts:

Onceuponatimethen · 27/11/2021 22:33

Op I’m wondering about life story work. I know that’s something normally suggested for adopted children, but it sounds as though he’s trying to make sense of a very traumatic set of events and his new living arrangements. I would definitely talk to him about this in an age-appropriate way

LowlyTheWorm · 27/11/2021 22:35

Oh bless him. Can’t he have two mums? Mummy and mum. Mom and mum? You’re his mum just now as his actual mum isn’t able to be. He should come first and be allowed that security he craves. Bless you too. It’s tough but if his mum truly loves him she should be bloody happy he is able to have security.

mvmvmvmv · 27/11/2021 22:43

I suggest you let him decide how he wants to refer to you in front of others and you just go along with it. Maybe explain what a step mum is and say that you are his step mum, but that he can decide what to call you in public (family friend, step mum, mum, auntie)… it’s about how he wants to present your relationship to the world. As you say he knows who his mum is.

Good luck!

MichelleScarn · 27/11/2021 22:50

You sound so very lovely and caring to both your dss and his mum, I don't know how popular this will be but l don't think you should worry about the dm, you have so much on your plate just now. Is there a nurture group at school for the dc?

Evesgarden · 27/11/2021 22:54

I honestly wouldn't say anything OP. He is trying to 'steady the boat' let him discover what he feels comfortable with. Be open and honest when he asks you questions, always reinforce how much he is loved. He is clearly showing how safe he feels with you. He will know you are not his mummy, he is just trying to find a sense of normality.

RandomMess · 27/11/2021 22:58

He knows your not his "mum" but you are the person fulfilling the Mum role and why should he want or have to tell irrelevant people his life story particularly one so upsetting.

Yes doing his life story would be good, helping him the phrases he needs such as "my Mum isn't well enough to look after me" etc.

GreenLunchBox · 27/11/2021 23:04

Poor little mite
Sounds like he finally feels hopeful he's going to be like other children now. 🥺

I wouldn't rock the boat. I would let him call me what he wants to for now. He knows he's got his original mum

Original poster

Joojoonuts · 27/11/2021 23:11

Thanks for the replies. I have never heard of Life Stories but have been looking into them and it definitely looks like something that would be very worthwhile for him, as well as his siblings.

@MichelleScarn
Yes, they hadn't attended school in a long time and we chose a school specifically because it has a nurture programme which all the children are now in.

I think you are right about not saying to him. @Evesgarden, your last line "he's just trying to find a sense of normality" I think has really nailed it on the head. I think this is exactly what he's trying to do.

OP posts:

MollysDolly · 27/11/2021 23:12

He knows who mum is. You know this.

He's calling you mum because for the first time in a long time, he's out with peers and is trying to validate himself as what he thinks is normal, after such a difficult experience. I'm just normal little me, playing on the swing, like normal you, and there's my normal mum, like your normal mum.

Poor little sweetheart. Let him call you what he needs too right now. You sound like a fantastic woman, he's lucky to have you.

Evesgarden · 27/11/2021 23:17

@MollysDolly

He knows who mum is. You know this.

Poor little sweetheart. Let him call you what he needs too right now. You sound like a fantastic woman, he's lucky to have you.

This with bells on.

@Joojoonuts all respect to you for making this little boy feel settled and safe. Well done.

Tattler2 · 27/11/2021 23:20

Op, it is quite possible that he is making a peremptory declaration that you are his mom as a way of not having to explain who you are. At his age and somewhat limited social interaction, he may not have figured out exactly who you are in a relationship dynamic.

Referring to you as his mom is probably comfortable as you are doing mom like things.

I would not attempt to address this as long as he seems happy and comfortable seeing his mom on the occasions that he is with her.

Let the situation evolve naturally or at a pace that seems comfortable and natural to him.

As long as he feels safe and cared for, it is likely that his needs are being met in a manner that is comfortable to and for him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/11/2021 23:21

Life story work is a good idea.

I would be careful about talking to him c it head on, 5 is v young to understand different kinds of parents, and it will likely feel like rejection to him.

Realistically he won’t remember life before you in a few years. He might love his mum, but she cannot mother him, so he might need to see you as another mum - who actually does the mum job.

Poor little fellow. He and his siblings are lucky to have you.

Rainallnight · 27/11/2021 23:24

Oh bless him. And you’re doing brilliantly

My DC are adopted so I know a bit about life story work etc.

I agree with what everyone else has said. He’s so little (and kids who’ve experienced trauma can be developmentally younger than their chronological age), so it could be a very simple description on his part of the role you’re playing in his life. Or, he could be really keen to ‘claim’ you - he’s looking for a mum to take care of him and wants you in that role. Or he just wants to be like all the kids in school who talk about their mum.

Or it could be a mix of those things or something else entirely!

Whatever is going on, it’s a very tricky and sensitive time so I agree with everyone else that it’s best not to say anything for now.

As well as helping him to make sense of what’s going on for him, some life story work would help him figure out what to tell other people. I’ve always made sure that my DD has a version of her story that she can safely share with kids who ask, because even at 5, kids do ask questions about difference in families etc.

Also a good idea to make sure school are on the case in talking about different families etc. There’s a lovely book called The Family Book by Todd Parr, which works really well with young kids.

It might also be helpful for you to read it at home with him (later on, when things have settled down) as it could be a jumping off point for a discussion about step parents etc.

Very best of luck.

User82517 · 27/11/2021 23:24

My SD and SS came to live with us after a really difficult situation with their mother and she regularly says "my mum" in casual situations when she means me. I think it's a way of normalising it for themselves and stops awkward conversations that they sometimes don't have the words to explain.

blueshiningsea · 27/11/2021 23:25

Poor little boy, so small to have had such an experience. You sound so lovely and thoughtful, he is a lucky little child to have you. Agree with the others, the poor little mite wanted to feel ‘normal’ to his peers x

lisaandalan · 27/11/2021 23:35

Someone who looks after you well, you can class as your mother or father they don't have to be biologically related to you, you can earn the title by being there for someone, he obviously feels like this, I'd just let him carry on. X

Summerfun54321 · 27/11/2021 23:42

Having two mums is fine.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 27/11/2021 23:45

He probably feels secure with you now and this is his way of displaying it to others. You are a mum to him, not the one who gave birth to him but the one he lives with who does all of his parenting. He can have two mums without one taking away from the other. I'd be inclined not to mention it but agree re life story work when he's ready.
How lucky he is to have such a caring (step) mum willing to raise three extra full time, well done!

KylieKoKo · 27/11/2021 23:50

Maybe he's sick of feeling different because he doesn't live with his mum so he's trying to appear more normal. I know that I would tell white lies to fit in when I was small so maybe it's that.

Sharletonz · 28/11/2021 00:07

I have nothing to add other than you sound like an amazing person and the kids are very lucky to have you x

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 28/11/2021 01:08

Bless you OP.

I know it’s not the same at all as I’m an adult, but I lost my mum in my early 20’s. Now 20 years on I refer to my step mum as my mum in certain situations, eg telling a waiter my mum would like a coffee etc.

It’s so much easier than explaining the family situation. It sounds like your DSC is doing similar.

Ladyrattles · 28/11/2021 01:44

When I was very little my mum remarried and they had my brother. I started calling my step-dad "dad" as well as my real dad. I couldn't comprehend he wasn't due to my young age and the fact my baby brother called him that. Years later mum told me he had found it awkward when I'd first called him dad but they decided to let me. I told people I had two dads till about secondary school age, then I called him step dad.

Carrotte · 28/11/2021 05:16

I would leave it for now. There's a kids book called families families families by Suzanne Lang which is quite a sweet book about how family takes lots of different forms which might be a nice introduction to the idea that not all family's are mum+dad+kids.

sashh · 28/11/2021 05:39

I have a friend in her 40s.

She talks about her dad, and about her dad.

One is her biological father, the other is her step father who has ow passed away.

They are / were both 'dad'.

I have zero experience but I think the 'look at me I'm normal' is probably true. I also think he was probably reassuring himself, he could look over and say 'that's my mum' when what he is saying to himself is. 'that person is there for me and isn't walking away'.

You do sound like a wonderful mum, caring and interested and it doesn't matter if you gave birth to some and not these three, keep up the good work.

Kanaloa · 28/11/2021 05:44

Bless him, he’s only so young. It may have been that he didn’t properly have the words to explain ‘that’s my stepmum but she does everything for me/is my full time parent carer.’ It’s hard enough for adults to explain these situations let alone a little boy trying to join in with others at soft play. It’s also very touching that he’s proud and wants to be associated with you hence telling all the other children.

My two eldest will frequently say to other kids ‘my dad’s there/that’s my dad’ about my DH, but their dad isn’t in the picture. I think for kids they feel awkward explaining all that to other kids and just want to be like others.

I do understand your concerns about the possibility that his mum would be very upset if she heard this though, especially with regards to her having poor mental health right now.

If I was you I wouldn’t address it directly with him right now. It could make him feel rejected and he was obviously trying to associate himself with you if he said it out of nowhere/not in response to a question. If he started calling you mum to you/at home then I would discuss with his dad how to handle it but this sounds more like he was just eager to show off to his new friends that he had someone there with him who he loves and is proud to be with.

Flip

1 2