CMS- what is it for?

[Cptainflaps]

Those of you that receive CMS/have a DP that pays. Have you made it clear between parents what that payment is to cover? What would you class as being “Extra” expenses that should be spilt.

(Just to add I know this is a bit circumstantial as I’m aware there are parents out there who are claiming to earn 2 buttons and a moth per week and don’t see their children and also don’t want to pay)

(Edit) *you pay/ or have a DP that pays

My ex gives me a set amount a week. That's for what I'd call general living expenses. We also split school uniform and I assume will split school trips etc when they are more than the odd £5 or £10 they are right now.

ExH pays the minimum he is obliged to. One time I asked for extra when DD started secondary school a few years ago and he said no. I hadn't asked before or since.

I get CMS from my exH. As far as I'm concerned it's none of his business what I spend it on.
Different if it was enough to mean I was taking the piss and spending it on myself but it's less than 10% of my mortgage payment so if he asked, it barely covers his share of the cost of keeping a roof over her head.

If I buy my DD a pair of trainers or a jacket, that's a high % of it already gone

So my perspective I get £200 from ex for my Dd which is supposed to account for half her nursery fees but it doesn't but it's a nod. Big ticket items I tend to pay for because I'm a much higher earner and buy all clothes, essentials ect. I suspect we will go half's on uniform but I won't be fussed if we don't as I refuse to bankrupt him and for me it's a privileged position I find myself in financially.

DH pays his ex £200 per month for DSD 11 and goes half on uniform, shoes/trainers/clothes. He also has a tendency to pay for things out right such as laptop, iPhones and games when the ex/DSC asks because the ex works part time so money is tight their side. She's rather furious she has to work at all tbh but those are the breaks unfortunately with the current benefits system.

It's so situational, I can do what I do due to my current situation which could change, same with DH.

CMS calculations can be flexed to suit the narrative of the person inputting the info, rarely does cover actual cost of raising a child.

Big ticket items go half's, uniform can break most peoples accounts or make a large dent (secondary school especially), non essential stuff is up for debate. No kid needs 5 pairs of Nike trainers. If you want your kid to have 5, then you need to pay for that privilege and can't expect someone to have the same value on 5 pairs than you would.

I will say though as a SM I found it incredibly cheeky that DM was hoping my salary would be taken into account when hoping to up financial maintenance for DSC. That was CF move that nearly meant DSC got less (from me personally as I buy her riding boots, games tech just because I can) because of the sheer tomfoolery about it. Sad thing is as a mum, I'm happy to help out another mum, esp SDM but that was a step wayyyy to far for me.

I receive an agreed amount every month for 2dc, this covers living expenses, their friends birthday/ Christmas presents etc. Uniforms, special sports shoes, sports annual membership costs, Birthday and Christmas presents I buy jointly and split the bill. He is unable to take them on holiday so from this year we agreed that he would cover the cost for the 3 of us to go on holiday in the UK. I pay for an overseas holiday and any other short breaks but expect him to give them enough spending money.
I am not shy to ask for contributions to big ticket items as I pay out all of my salary on their home and lifestyle with very little money spent on me.
His other life costs are of no concern to me , our joint children costs are.

My ex was asked to pay £7 a week for our 4 kids by the cms, that was suppose to cover “everything”

I think what it's for varies widely. If the rp is a low earner then it needs to go on rent and bills. If the rp is a high earner who can cover their own living costs then it can go on extras like holidays and computers. Either is fine as long as both parents are left with enough money to provide an adequate home for their children.

Aargh, this reminder me when my ex decided (by himself) that we (which meant he )should decide what our DS needs and he'll pay half. Of course, all the actual planning, research and legwork were mine and only he could veto stuff.

Funnily enough, I refused this arrangement. Even if he did threaten to quit his job and have DS full time .

We’ve always paid more to school uniforms and school trips. I’m not sure it was ever really agreed but it’s how it ended up happening

My Ex pays the minimum for him for 2 kids. He earns so the minimum for us equals £70 a week. Personally that goes nowhere. School dinners and one trip and that’s gone! Never mind their other living costs.

He has them but that varies week to week depending on his work so averages about 1/2 nights a week but is occasionally more so we base his payments on 2/3 nights.

He actually had the cheek to ask why he still had to pay me for a week he took them away on holiday because he had them for the full week. Despite there being plenty of times when I have had them for more than a week at a time. I told him that was fine as long as when they were with me a whole week he paid me more!! Soon shut up as that happens relatively often.

He depises paying a penny and moaned the one time I asked to split uniform despite the fact that that is about £400/£500 worth of stuff for them. So I don’t ask anymore I just buy the lot.

My ex pays £150/month for our ds which was the CMS calculation based on his earnings when he left . He’s on more now but has no partner so rent /bills etc are all his to pay so I’ve never asked for more plus he pays 50% towards trips and uniforms and buys clothes when needed that move between both houses. He also pays his phone bill, I sorted the handset, and I give pocket money and some dinner money although he does a mix of school dinners/packed lunches.

DP pays considerably more to his ex,private agreement when they split which would have contributed towards nursery costs at that point. It’s never been revisited.Plus pays pocket money, phone bills, 50% uniform and school trips, always buys their winter coats (designer ones) and regularly takes them shopping for clothes/trainers and sends them £30 for takeaways when asked. He also used to pay for outfits for hobbies and the hobbies themselves but they haven’t started them again after covid. He’s had a crap year with redundancies (multiple) and the only thing he’s stopped is paying the money early or paying extra as his ex is short as we simply can’t afford it. We came across resistance at first but we are not a bank and need to keep a roof over our head for the kids when they stay.

DH pays a set sum every month which I presume covers half of DSS’s day to day living costs plus a contribution to his Mum’s overhead costs (mortgage, utilities etc - his Mum’s house is his main residence). DH has never asked what she spends it on, because he’s not an arsehole.

DSS is 18 now, but she used to buy most of his clothes and paid for all the small school costs (ingredient costs for food tech etc). We used to go halves on things like uniform costs, school shoes, clubs, residential school trips etc.

DH, DSS’s Mum and I all get on well, so I presume everyone is happy with the arrangement.

My ex gives me a monthly sum plus we split major expenses eg pet insurance, university maintenance, significant Christmas gifts (laptop, phone etc)

I'm realising I'm rather fortunate getting so much!

@gogohm your yard stick shouldn't be compared to anyone else's. There will be someone who comes along and says they get 0 and perfectly happy with that.

As long as your ex and children are happy and can live comfortably I wouldn't feel bad about someone paying for the children they created.

Sometimes I feel rather awful taking money for my DD (since my income is that silly- that's not a humble brag btw I have a lot of guilt over the money I'm paid because it's not meaningful work so have a guilt complex) then my ex reminds me that he's booked a massive tattoo costing £300 again and spunked a load of money on himself, I realise it's all relative.

My ex pays the bare minimum he can get away with, he works part time now and looks after his girlfriends kids so she can work full time, plus he is apparently 'financially responsible' for them so I get even less.

His crappy 75p per child per day is supposed to cover absolutely everything, including Christmas and birthdays and he never gives me a penny more for anything.

He did, however, ask for my incomings and outgoings when I had the audacity to ask for help towards an expensive trip, and said he and his girlfriend would help me budget better so I didn't have to ask for help again.

My take on it was that CMS was the bare minimum eg food and basic expenses.

On top of DH's very tricky to afford £500 when I met him we later added on mobile phones, allowances, contributions towards school trips and major expenses eg cars when both kids learned to drive.

DH's ex constantly told the kids that their dad didn't do enough for them despite me subsidising him most months and her choosing to work 3 days a week. She also asked for my income to be taken into account.

CMS ended 2 months ago and we couldn't be happier now

Ex pays a set amount per month, hasn't changed in 10 years. It's the minimum he can get away with, reduced to account for his partners children who incidentally spend the majority of their time living with their Father who I understand generously supports them. His household income is ~ 7-8 times mine.

He does not contribute to any other cost (school trips / uniform / phone / school clubs etc). He will buy her a couple of clothes to keep at his house, but very minimal. He does not plan to contribute to university, that's on me as well. I asked once for help with a school trip cost and was told that it was incredibly selfish of me to ask when I should realise he now has other children he is responsible for (his partners children). He does however include DD in family holidays (min 3 per year, at least 1 abroad) which is good as I've never been able to afford to take her on holiday myself. The most difficult part is that now DD is older she notices the contrast. The deal is that since I refused to give up residence I should bear 100% of the costs with the min payment from him. This includes replacing ''lost'' items that grow legs and disappear at his house (like school shoes, winter coats etc).

It’s for anything the RP needs it to be for that will benefit the child.

@LethargicActress

It’s for anything the RP needs it to be for that will benefit the child.

That could be anything, literally anything and will vary massively depending on perspective. That's probably to wider scope for me and honestly I'm not sure it's feasible if non resident parent also needs to do the exact same in their house too and you know live.

There does have to be a line but I'm in total agreement CMS is massively not correct.

The problem is I'm mot sure where the line is tbh

@Pinkyxx incredibly selfish of me to ask when I should realise he now has other children he is responsible for (his partners children)

You know this has always baffled me. How can any man say I'm willing to provide for children that aren't biologically my own and refused to support their actual children.

I get funny about my DH contributing to my DD birthday because I feel as the mum it's mine and her dad to provide for her solely on our own which we do.any man that did this abs said it out loud to me would give me the GIANT ICK.

I think what it's for depends on how much is paid and how often the child stays with their NRP to be honest.
For example, if the child never see their NRP then more maintenance (whether it's enough or not is a different question) is paid to reflect that the RP pays for a bigger home and the NRP doesn't have to.
However in a EOW/half the holidays scenario like we have, we still pay for a bigger home than we would otherwise require as it would be shit for DSD to spend all those nights on an air bed in the living room. So in my head the maintenance isn't really to cover that as both parents are paying the same extra costs IYSWIM.
Maintenance therefore goes towards for food, clothes, extra curriculars, pocket money etc at mum's house.
DH has always paid much more than the minimum and that has never changed when his income dropped significantly or when our DS was born so his ex hasn't ever asked for more for school uniform etc but I expect they will share the costs of the more expensive school trips when the time comes, which is only fair.

@gogohm

I'm realising I'm rather fortunate getting so much!

CMS is often very inadequate to cover the cost of raising children, so yes compared to that low bar you are fortunate. This really shouldn't be the case. Seperated parents working together to share the cost of raising their children, in a way appropriate to their incomes, should be the bar for good parenting.

OP why have you posted this thread on a step-parenting board?

Is your intention to cause arguments as that what it seems like to me. The place for this thread is lone parents board.

CMS or child maintenance is paid by a parent for their child.

A step-parent is not the child's parent so doesn't pay child maintenance to their other parent. A step-parent has absolutely no say in what it is spent on as it is absolutely none of their business