Can't decide whether to end things...

[Confused15551987]

Hi all, and thanks for taking the time to read this! So I have been with my other half for almost 2 years, and it has not been easy to say the least! His ex wife tragically passed away and we now have their 4 children full time (as of April 2020) making me their full time step mum (I don't have my own children, I'm 34 for reference). It has been a roller coaster of emotions as I'm sure you can imagine, and I have probably just bumbled along trying my best to cope because I love my other half very much. We have had lots of ups and downs with the kids, and my other half has relied on alcohol a lot to cope which has been the cause of lots of arguments between us both. He isn't particularly pleasant when he has had a drink...
Recently however I have been really doubting myself and wondering whether its all worth it. I don't do many of the things I used to do because my time is so consumed by the children. I work full time but when I get home its very full on, and every weekend is the same. I don't get much time to myself, although my other half does understand if I need a break now and then to see my friends or go for a walk by myself.
I guess I am starting to wonder whether, if I'm feeling this way now, should I call it a day and live my own life...? I try to imagine us together forever and, whilst I love my partner, I am scared of the future with all the children. And maybe its more thr case that I'm scared of being by myself, than scared of losing them.
Would be great to hear from anyone who can relate in some way...I feel pretty alone in this!
Thanks

Firstly you have done a pretty amazing thing to take these kids on after the loss of their mother. Regardless of whether you stay or go, that was a big undertaking but remember you are not tied to this cart if you don't want to be.

It seems like reading between the lines your DP has left most of the child raising in your court and is running away from his responsibilities.

He absolutely should be letting you have a break from his children but have you ever thought he should be the other way around, with him doing the majority of the work so that actually your the one offering him break ? I suspect that maybe he's offering you a break because our of the two your doing the most.

If he's drinking and it's becoming a real issue, get yourself to alnon (this is the support group for family members who have to manage drinkers). That group isn't about the drinker, it's support the family that support them and it's not about getting the drinker to stop drinking it's about supporting you.

I don't have much good advice but will bump as hopefully some people can share any lived experiences they have had in similar situation! 💐

Blimey that is a lot to happen in less than 2 years! Who does what in the home? Is this what you want from your life or do you want your own biological children? You are not responsible for this situation but need to either commit to it or jump ship in the best possible way to limit damaging the children even further.

Hi OP. Can you help me understand the timing of this? Am I right that within a couple of months of your meeting your DP, his ex-wife (wife?) died and the children came to live with him and you moved in?

(And yes, I do think you need to get some space and decide what to do.)

To me it sounds like you’ve found yourself trapped in an intense situation, in a relationship that possibly progressed in ways it would have never progressed had his ex wife not passed.

As a relatively new partner (I assume you were together less than a year when the mother died) I find it unusual that you have such an integral role in the raising of his children. How did that come about? We’re you living together before he had his children full time.

If you’re doing a large portion of the parenting I don’t see this as fair to you or the children really. I could see why you might want to leave and see what else I out there for you.

Thank you for your responses. Yes we had only been together for a short period of time when his ex wife passed away. We had only just moved in together. I already had a relationship with the children but only on weekends when they visited us. I had no idea this would be the eventual outcome so it has all been a complete whirlwind!
Regarding the split of parenting, he definitely takes on more than me. We have a good routine in the mornings when I'm getting ready for work and I support him with getting the children ready. He then takes them to school, picks them up, cooks and gets them ready for bed, then I get home. We try to do things together as a family at the weekend. I think its so intense because there are 4 of them and they are very young.
My life plan was always to have my own children and we have spoken about having one more but at the moment we aren't really in the right financial or emotional situation to think about that.
My overwhelming feeling is one of guilt. I love him, and I love the children and I know they love me. But I am really struggling. And I don't know whether I can see myself in this for ever. I am already resenting certain things, like the fact I earn good money but we need to use it to support the children. Which I know I don't have to do.
Anyway, thank you again. I don't think here is an easy answer to all of this!

There's no easy answer, no; but there's a reasonable and do-able answer, which is to extricate yourself from a situation you (understandably) regret.

Who moved in with who? What are your legal liabilities on the house you're in?

We moved in to a rented property together, and are both on the tenancy agreement. That would be ok, it can be sorted.

I can't advise OP, this is such a sad and unexpected situation to find yourself in. Whatever you choose to do though, it is your right to do. There is no right and wrong answer, because you are balancing the needs of the children against your own. You already love them and want the best for them, but that may not be compatible with what you need to do for yourself. Is there a third solution, between staying and leaving, where you move back out to your own place and the relationship can continue?

OP, this is an unfortunate situation. You moved in with this man not having been with him long enough to really know him as a person. He has never had the opportunity to experience himself as a full time single parent , and it is possible that his children have not had time to grieve and adjust to the loss of their mother because you were there to step in to that slot.
Why not step out of the living arrangement and at the same time get some individual counseling to sort your own life goals and plans. Maybe it will involve this situation and maybe not.

From your description, it sounds less like a loving relationship than an arrangement wherein you now have custody of 5 children and their alcoholic father. I cannot imagine this was ever the kind of life that you envisioned for yourself. Is this man working towards becoming able to support 5 children? Would you even consider adding yet another child to this situation?
Your partner should also be considering getting counseling to help himself and his children deal with their loss and adjust to their new normal.
It is unfair to these children for you to stay in this situation any longer knowing the you will likely leave. They have loss one mother, do not foster a situation in which they will have to suffer yet a second loss without any meaningful help .

There are far worse experiences than being alone. Right now , you are sacrificing your own happiness and quality of life simply out of fear of being alone. Your partner sounds selfish and inadequate ,but you are the one choosing to remain in this unfortunate arrangement.. Both you and his children deserve better, but only you are capable of doing better. L

OP you're only 34 please walk away.

I would give this advice even if there was no step children involved. He drinks and is an unpleasant drunk.

This situation won't ever get any better.

Why did you move in together so quickly?

Honestly, the whole thing sounds completely dysfunctional. I think staying would be the wrong thing to do. You have listed many serious and compelling reasons why you need to end the relationship, but your only reason for staying is that you want to avoid temporary uncomfortable emotions.

Leaving means short term temporary discomfort, staying means long term continuous discomfort.

It sounds like the only reason you're in this deep - or even still with him - is because everything went too fast for you to have the perspective necessary to see how dysfunctional it all was and to step away.

Guilt exists as an emotion to stop us harming others and damaging the survival prospects of our species - but the person being harmed here is you. Feeling guilty for realising you are in a situation that is causing you harm is totally misplaced and serves no purpose. Unless you mean you feel guilty for neglecting yourself?

I don't think these children's best interests are served by continuing this level of dysfunction or doubling down on your mistake to avoid the temporary discomfort of extricating yourself.

It's tragic that their mum died, but you can't replace her and shouldn't be trying to (let alone feeling guilty for realising you need to leave). Whilst I'm sure you have had nothing but positive intentions, I sincerely doubt that being moved in with you as an instant mum-replacement in a volatile relationship has helped them.

You keep saying you love him (attached? Familiar? Trauma bonded?) , but he doesn't behave like he loves you. And love isn't going to stop this from being toxic.

It's not your responsibility to try and fix other people. Trying to do so is a recipe for misery. As is moving any relationship so fast.

If you have any doubts , leave now whilst you still have the chance .

My situation has similarities to yours and I can tell you for nothing :

• you are female therefore you should enjoy doing the donkey work (if not be honoured to do it )

• he can get as pissed as he likes , you will sort the kids (see point above)

-your feeling count for nothing , won't you think of the children , they have been through so much already ( see point 1 )

Please make sure you keep your own income , it gives you options. It may well turn out lovely and everything settles down but do not feel guilty if you want out , his DC's are not your priority

Do not end up like me , I tried to save the world and knackered myself in the process

That’s a lot to take on at only 34. Some people could easily do it and not be resentful others not so much and would walk away from the relationship. And neither would be wrong. I don’t think I could do it, one maybe two children but more than that would make me resentful too. Especially if my money was going to support them and I was stuck with most of the child rearing.

You are 34 and want a child of your own. His children have been through an incredibly traumatic start to life, the may need a decade to be in a place when he can consider having another child, that time may never come. 4 children is a lot for anyone, never mind children who will need so much support from their dad.

As much as online and tv make it seem having babies in your 40's is easy, you have no idea if that's the case for you. Many womens fertility has dramatically decreased towards their 40's.

Don't play a supporting role in your own life story.

You need to move out and if you embark on a new relationship where there are children you need to slow down instead of moving everyone together so early.

This breakup will be hard on the children but ultimately their father should have safeguarded them instead of rushing things with you.

Bloody hell OP, what an experience.

I don’t think you want to be in this situation though, do you? It’s not likely he’ll want more kids, or either of you will have the energy, so if you want to build your own life it sounds like you need to move out. It won’t be easy on the kids, but better to do it now.

If you are in any way in two minds then I’d say take two weeks away to think, and if you want to stay negotiate what you can. But it doesn’t sound like you do, and as a PP said, don’t play a supporting role in your own life..

Good luck.

What I would do before you go is encourage him to get support esp re drinking, and possibly put the family in touch with bereaved kids organisations. Their situation isn’t easy and that much you can do for them.

Oh that's a terrible situation. I think really you should have let him live with the children alone right from when their mum died. It was inevitable they'd get very attached to you.

I don't think I could put the children through another loss, so I'd insist on your partner seeing a counselling and going tee-total if you were to stay there. What a horrendous time those children have had.

Those poor children.

What a pity you had already moved in together when this tragedy happened.

For the children's sake I would give him an opportunity to reform, if it were me. Can you really just walk away from them?

You're in your early 30s, want DC but can't because financially all your own money is going to support DC that aren't yours. Your partner has a drink problem, you have to give up upteen other things that you could otherwise have.

Why are you putting yourself through this? You don't owe anything to this man or his DC. Having DC is so much relentless work, why would you take on 4 of somebody else's? You could easily walk away, find someone without DC, enjoy your life, have your own, spend your money on what you want, live a happy life. Don't get bogged down in this life that you didn't choose.

Take a break to decide what you want. As much as you may have taken on the mothering role you are under no obligation to continue x

Can you really just walk away from them?
Yes she can! They are not her responsibility!
What has happened to the dc is awful but it's NOT @Confused15551987's responsibility to ease their burden at the expense of her own happiness. Those sort of guilt inducing comments are totally unnecessary.
@Confused15551987 if you are that unhappy I think you need to leave. Grief has no quick fix & those dc will most likely be grieving for a long time & it will manifest itself in many ways. Personally I think too much is being asked of you.
I think you can do one of two things:
Either end it with a clean break or move out & LAT. If you move out but stay in your relationship you will get the space you need, & the dc & their df will learn to muddle through without depending on you to hold everything together.
However, if you feel that you want kids yourself I would definitely leave. I cannot see that your dp & his dc will be in any fit state to 'welcome' a new baby any time soon.
You only have one life so make sure it's YOUR life you live - not that of your dp & his dc.

Run op life is too short don't ruin your chances of being a mum.

This is your precious life OP - you won't get two of them. He is most unlikely to want another child and I would guess is future faking in order to keep you. I would leave immediately. You should have a lovely life of your own, not be a bit part player in his.

If see his children suffer the loss of their mother and have only him as a parent, did not inspire him to seek help for his alcoholism the OP setting up ultimatums or conditions is not likely going to make him seek help.

What the OP does not say is whether he was a functioning alcoholic prior to becoming the full time residential parent.

The OP has no obligation to spend her life with an unpleasant alcoholic in order to be the buffer between him and his children. It might be helpful to alert members of the children's extended family as to what is going on with these children.
Neither the OP nor the children should have to be held captive to decisions that the partner is voluntarily electing to make.

At the end of the day, OP's partner is choosing to drink as his coping mechanism and is indifferent to the harm that he is causing.

Does your partner work?

How much does his alcohol cost?
Why isn't he getting help with this?

What proportion of your income is supporting his family?
Has he even mentioned marriage and children with you?
What does 'unpleasant drunk' actually mean?
Do you feel valued?