OP, my heart goes out to you. What a situation to be in. I don’t have any experience close to this, but a few things stand out
- Your money is going towards these children
- You would like a child
- He drinks and is not pleasant when drinking
- You get time to go for a walk / see friends because your partner ‘understands’.
By your own admission, you moved quickly in the beginning, were finding your feet in this situation and suddenly this huge tragedy occurs and you’re faced with a choice. Stand and support the man you love, or leave him. The latter would have felt horrendous, so you stayed and took on this role.
That’s really kind of you and your intention came from such a good/ kind place. But here’s the thing, this is YOUR life too.
Re the money? Was this ever discussed? Did you/ your partner sit down and say, right what is needed for these children financially and are you happy to contribute? It’s a lot to ask that your heard earned cash (that should be going towards your savings/ pension/ house purchase) is going on children who are not yours. I wouldn’t be ok with that.
You would like a child. In the nicest possible way, he is not even close to being ready to bring another child into this situation. Do you really want a baby with someone with a drinking problem? You’ve already said he is ‘unpleasant’. That’s a very wide word - what does unpleasant mean? Please take note when I warn that (typically) behaviours in an abuser worsen when their partner has their child/ marries them. None of this will get better if you have a child with him.
Let’s put to one side how the existing children will feel with the prospect of a half sibling.
- His drinking. Out of everything this is the biggest red flag. His children have just been through the biggest trauma any child can go through. As opposed to making himself fully emotionally available. Getting support for himself so he can cushion and help his children? He instead is opting to use alcohol to ‘cope.’
Sorry but what a pathetic excuse of a man child. His children have lost their mum and this idiot is drinking to cope. He needs help, he needs to wake up and become a healthier human being himself and properly parent his children. Not just the logistics of school runs/ feeding them.
- Your you time is very limited. You say he ‘understands’ that you need some time out. Even the wording of that gets my back up. Understands? These aren’t your children, you’re 34 and your weekends should be full of things you want to do. Has he asked you at any point? What would you like your weekends to look like? Away from his children?
@Confused15551987 when I met my exp, within the first year his exwife made very serious allegations about him. Family courts advised him to have someone with him for contact from that point on. Muggins here was dragged into it, so for about a period of 12-18 months, my life pivoted around his contact with his children. Initially I was happy to help. It felt far too cold and selfish to say ‘sorry no, I’d rather go to brunch with my girlfriends’ vs ensuring he got to see his children. But it wasn’t my choice, these extreme external factors meant I was forced into making a choice very quickly and in Hindsight I can see I felt hugely pressurised into stepping in.
But then? Something shifted. Family courts awarded court ordered contact and I suddenly thought ‘no, I don’t want to be the person facilitating contact. I don’t want my weekends stuck with him and his kids.’ So I stepped away.
It was a hard decision to make, not made easier by my exp (who of course wanted my continued company and time). But I realised that unless I really wanted to spend my time in this way, I was wasting my life. And my resentment too started to grow.
I stepped back from contact and instead focussed on the relationship. But here’s the reality, my exp didn’t want that and ultimately, because his core needs weren’t being met (around his children), his resentment at my ‘behaviour’ ultimately lead to us breaking up and not in the nicest of circumstances.
What I’m saying is this. Sometimes we make these choices because ultimately we don’t have the courage at that inflexion point to say ‘no.’ But ultimately this is our lives.
I don’t regret stepping away, one bit. I at times have felt selfish, but then I look at my kids (I have children from my marriage), my life as a whole and I am grateful that I had the courage to say no, push back and tell my exp to step up and parent his own children. I have a really nice life without his noise and his toxicity. Your toxicity is very severely impacted by his drinking.
Please give some thought to stepping out of this as a first step and figuring out what your life looks like. You can still be there for the children, my exp’s children still message/ FT me and I’m always happy to hear from them. You don’t have to disappear. Your partner is not your responsibility and he needs to get help for his drinking.
Good luck x