Comments from Stepdaughter about my pregnancy.

[ReginaaPhalange]

DSD is 13, mostly a well behaved girl and we have a close bond. I've been in her life 10 years. She has no other siblings, but other babies are due in her side of the family around the same time as her sibling.

At first she was excited. DH and I explained to her that she can always speak to us about any worries she has and we will always make time for her etc. DH and her share a hobby and DH has said that he will always make sure they continue with this so she is having quality time. She did ask if we could do "girlie lunches" so I've said yes, once a month (we see her EOW), we will go for afternoon tea or something similar, and she's excited for that, still is.

My upset is, lately since we have had a couple of private scans, when she has asked to see the pictures, she says they're creepy and baby is really horrible and looks like an alien. Yes ok, the 4d scans aren't everyone's cup of tea, but DH said "aww don't say that about your little brother or sister, you looked like that once". But she keeps saying it. Now she's saying things like "Reginaa, you're getting so fat". I said to her "my bump is growing, I'm not getting fat, I have a baby in there". She followed up with "no, you're fat and you have an ugly creepy alien inside you". At this point I dropped the cheery tone and said to her that her comments were hurtful and not to say that to people as it's not very nice. She went in a huff and stormed off to her room. DH asked what was wrong so I told him. He agreed with me and went up to speak to her and said not to say those kinds of things as they can be hurtful. She did apologise, but she's done it again since then to which I ignore it now.

I know it's only natural after being the only child for 13 years, that she is bound to feel a bit put out and we will do everything that we can do make sure she is involved as much as she wants to be.

Just not sure what else we can do? Her mum has messaged DH saying she says the same things to her and she's told her not to say that but did say she doesn't say that about the other babies due.

Any advice?

Are you sure this is about her being your stepdaughter and not about puberty and growing up and just freaking out about what human reproduction actually looks like? I had various childless female friends make ´alien parasite’ comments to me when I was pregnant. She may actually be saying these things to you and not to other family members (maternal aunts or whoever) because she’s more comfortable around you.

@Babyiskickingmyribs possibly... she has been going through puberty since around the of 10, but in all other aspects of her life, she's not changed if that makes sense? She's still the same lovely girl, just these comments are so out of character for her.

It sounds like it's coming from insecurity and her way of "lashing out" is to be negative. That being said...she's 13, not 6 so she knows she's being straight up rude.

I'd sit down with her, explain how unpleasant her comments are (she knows already, but needs to know you're pulling her up on it) and allow her time to be very upfront about how she's feeling so as to discuss. For example, my DD is a but younger but becoming a sibling for the first time and has said how worried she is about things changing in her life that have been the same for so long, how she's worried about how quality time and relationships will change, will she be loved less, prioritised less etc.
We thought we had covered these things but it's a regular check in thing now to reassure her, and she'd been so excited that we hadn't realised just how much these worries were playing on her mind even after the original chat.

Congratulations btw!!

I wonder if she’s talked to her friends and it’s been said. Any chance she might have photographed the scan photo and sent it to a friend?

@DancingintheSpoonlight this is what DH and I both think. I think constant reassurance may be what is needed here and to make sure she is as involved as she wants to be, but respecting her boundaries at the same time.

@FreeBritnee yes, she definitely does have a picture on her phone of the latest scan picture as she asked me to send her it. The comments started before this though, but I don't think she had a picture on her phone before this.

It may just have dawned on her what it means

The other babies aren’t her fathers I assume or her half siblings?

I agree she’s realised now a baby is going to be here and she feels threatened and isn’t mature enough yet to be able to express her feelings and discuss them,

And it is definite proof that dad and R are "doing it" which at 13 is possibly a thought too far

@Bluntness100 no, her mum and dad don't have any other children (yet for dad obviously). Other babies due are one to her auntie and one to her uncles wife (another auntie). There have been other cousins born in the family and she's been fine.

@Eviebeans haha you've probably hit the nail on the head lol!!!

Oh op @ReginaaPhalange pregnancy is such a weird time for them.Tbh it's a weird time for us too, I to thought it was bit like alien vs predator when pregnant my first.

But that said I never really got the whole Mother Earth feeling when pregnant but that could have been because I was so poorly with it. People fall on either side of the coin and neither is wrong per day just perspective. It's because probably she's never really seen it up close and personal. It maybe the closest thing her mind goes is aliens, if she has no close point of reference so said the first thing that seems similar.

However the weight comments are bang on not ok though and sounds like DH and DM are onboard with shutting it down as she's old enough to know right from wrong.

In a nuclear family you expect jealousy to a degree, same with blended families when a new baby is here. All you can do is reassure them that this is a positive thing and their time with you is protected.

Try to give grace where you can. I know it's hurtful but I doubt it's meant in a hurtful way (you know how kids just say things without really thinking) Humans aren't great with change and little humans even more so. This isn't a indication on how much she will love the baby when they are here and probably just a sign that she values you in her life and is just a little unsettled and showing that.

I hope your birth goes well and congratulations 🎉

Tbh, the whole process of reproduction is a bit grim at that age. I remember finding the idea of pregnancy and having a baby growing inside you a bit gross. So long as she's polite to you, I'd leave it. I imagine she'll be quite excited once her sibling arrives and she gets to hold them and (later) play with them.

@Eviebeans

And it is definite proof that dad and R are "doing it" which at 13 is possibly a thought too far

My DSD was horrified when we told her we were expecting and asked me weren't we to old for "that type of behaviour" then shortly asked after when people go into nursing homes 🤣🤣🤣 I did have to tell her as much as I would love a lovely rest I'm few years off nursing home age time yet.

She looks dubious at me (I'm 31 btw 😂) maybe time for Botox lol 😂

@candlelightsatdawn @Gliderx you are both spot on :) and yes, all Mother Earth in pregnancy? Eh try chronic sickness and PGP 🤣 I'm still waiting for the 'beautiful and magical journey' to start lol! Don't get me wrong, I love it and feeling their wee kicks etc is amazing, but I'm in no rush to do this again lol!

Haha I'm with you on the Botox! Think I'll be needing gallons after the sleepless nights ahead 🤣🤣

Oh yes, it probably is at least partly about you having sex. Eldest DSS now 13 absolutely hit the roof when I got pregnant (he was 10). He loves babies, said it wasn't about being replaced, etc. Eventually reluctantly said to his grandma "well it's about what happens before you get pregnant". He also was really upset by any reference to my body changing, me not drinking, wearing bigger clothes etc. I think the whole process disgusted him. Once the baby arrived he was immediately besotted

My Mum was pregnant when they did "the talk, and video" at primary school.
I was 8, and my brother who was also in the classroom and watching the video was 10.
We were both horrified at the specifics of what our parents had been up to. I remember catching his eye across the classroom, jaws agape.
I had never really considers the specifics of exactly how the Sperm fertilised the egg and imagining our parents doing it was shocking.

That said we loved our little sister.

I don't think you need to talk to her about the pregnancy. She clearly thinks it's all a bit gross.

I think you have had some good insights and advice on this thread so I don’t really have anything to add. Just wanted to say congratulations and your blended family sounds lovely.

@Tigertealeaves she did make a comment back at the start of my pregnancy... it was a school event that we were all attending and she said "oh great, that means you're going to be big and fat at my school". I had to remind her that pregnancy lasts 9 months and that I wouldn't get a proper bump until about half way lol! Such charmers!

But yes, I think it's more the fact of her dad and I 'doing it' which has given her the ick

@trumpisagit she does know how babies are made as she proudly announced it at dinner when she was around 9! Even said she got to watch a video at school of a baby being born and it 'came out of the woman's hooha'. DH almost choked on his dinner 🤣 but yeah, it's definitely this I think which has really got to her, it's probably her way of shutting it down and keeping the image out of her head lol! Poor girl, we all better get her some counselling for the traumatising images lol!

@ImustLearn2Cook thank you ❤️

@ReginaaPhalange if it helps my DSD has told me I'm incredibly sensible to be having a c section (not my choice actually just what doctors have advised) as the other way just "seems nasty". I did point out to her that her DM gave birth to her naturally and not through the sunroof unlike me and I'm sure her Dm wouldn't have had it any other way, and she we would have both been more sensible to adopt but my option was preferable if we couldn't control ourselves 😂😂 then she looked at DH looking mildly disapproving and stomped off.

Funny things kids say, I found it hysterical personally it I get it, even know I don't wanna think of my parents doing it.

I feel you on the whole pregnancy isn't fun game. All I'm gonna say is get the coffee in and the baby will sleep eventually (just try not to kill your husband until they do)

I think she's looking at you and 'trying it on for size'. Imagining herself pregnant and finding it all rather horrifying!

I remember reading a newspaper article about forceps deliveries around that age (voracious reader, anything in print...) Came away from that with a never, never, ever mentality. Same when some delightful woman came to the school with an aborted foetus in a jar for us all to ponder.

Perhaps she is simply honouring you with her honesty.

As hard as it must sound, OP, I don’t find her reaction very remarkable. It’s candid but I’m not sure how else I’d expect a 13yo girl to view pregnancy.

I don’t think think this is entirely bound up in it being your baby and her sibling. It just sounds like a set of “ew!” responses from a child.

I have some sympathy. TBH I dont like pictures of scans myself. But of course wouldn't say it. She is 13 I would just ignore this and don't show her any more scan photos. I wouldn't sit her down and explain it all.

In fairness those scans are creepy, and foetuses do look like wizened aliens in them. And I have never accepted the fiction that women in the later stages of pregnancy look radiant or anything other than lumbering and uncomfortable.

She needs to mind her manners, but looking at these things close up for the first time is probably a bit eye opening.

Sounds similar to comments of my daughter of the same age in my recent pregnancy , think it's just that age and general disdain for these things, she does love her baby brother but still likes to tell me he has a big head

Hmmmmm tricky. I actually think that at 13, this might just be her being a teenager. Not really to do with you being a stepmother.

I had a friend who said similar things about pregnancy as a grown woman. In fact, I'm pretty sure grown women (who don't have or want kids), trot up to Mumsnet and say "ugh it makes you fat and they're like aliens/parasites/whatever".

Anyway, nip this in the bud as you are doing I think.