Comments from Stepdaughter about my pregnancy.

[ReginaaPhalange]

DSD is 13, mostly a well behaved girl and we have a close bond. I've been in her life 10 years. She has no other siblings, but other babies are due in her side of the family around the same time as her sibling.

At first she was excited. DH and I explained to her that she can always speak to us about any worries she has and we will always make time for her etc. DH and her share a hobby and DH has said that he will always make sure they continue with this so she is having quality time. She did ask if we could do "girlie lunches" so I've said yes, once a month (we see her EOW), we will go for afternoon tea or something similar, and she's excited for that, still is.

My upset is, lately since we have had a couple of private scans, when she has asked to see the pictures, she says they're creepy and baby is really horrible and looks like an alien. Yes ok, the 4d scans aren't everyone's cup of tea, but DH said "aww don't say that about your little brother or sister, you looked like that once". But she keeps saying it. Now she's saying things like "Reginaa, you're getting so fat". I said to her "my bump is growing, I'm not getting fat, I have a baby in there". She followed up with "no, you're fat and you have an ugly creepy alien inside you". At this point I dropped the cheery tone and said to her that her comments were hurtful and not to say that to people as it's not very nice. She went in a huff and stormed off to her room. DH asked what was wrong so I told him. He agreed with me and went up to speak to her and said not to say those kinds of things as they can be hurtful. She did apologise, but she's done it again since then to which I ignore it now.

I know it's only natural after being the only child for 13 years, that she is bound to feel a bit put out and we will do everything that we can do make sure she is involved as much as she wants to be.

Just not sure what else we can do? Her mum has messaged DH saying she says the same things to her and she's told her not to say that but did say she doesn't say that about the other babies due.

Any advice?

If she has seen the 4 d scans it could well have freaked her out.
I don't like seeing them so I can imagine how they would appear to a child. The thought of pregency both horrified and terrified me as a child and as a young adult.

As others have said the dynamic in your family will be changing and she has realised that and will probably feel insecure. She may feel that she will be rejected once the baby is born so subconsciously putting up defence barriers ready for the rejection ( as she perceives it)
Stir in a big dose of puberty and it's quite a mixture.
I know others have said she's 13 , not 6 or similar and I get that but she is at an age where she knows what she is saying is rude and hurtful but she hasn't got the skills or emotional intelligence to describe what is going on with her emotions at the moment.

It's a rough storm for both you and her.

Personally I would still be reprimanding her for her behaviour but not going overboard with it.

She needs consistency, love and reassurance that she is not being replaced.

I remember having full on debates with my friends when I was 14 because a lot of them were deeply disgusted by the idea of their parents having sex and genuinely believed that parents should not do that. I couldn't understand the extremity of their views. Which is to say I've never been in step with kids that feel that way, but have experienced that many do.

I think this is just a classic case of that combined with a bit of insecurity. I think her dad needs to keep reassuring her about the situation and her place in his heart, whilst also telling her that some of what she is saying is rude and unkind and she shouldn't do that

I think it's just hitting home, she's confused about where her place will be etc. I would offer lots of reassurance and possibly show her before and after pictures eg a scan and a baby after birth, another family member maybe? Also I would be somewhat relieved she's not too keen on babies at 13!

They did 4d scans twice when I was pregnant and honestly they do look odd. Also, I did get fat, yes because of the baby inside me, but it was still true. It actually sounds like for a 13 year old she is taking it really well. Personally her comments wouldn't have bothered me and I don't see them as particularly offensive. You do and that's fair enough, but teenagers can say much more hurtful things and these don't seem deliberately designed to do that.

Don't think this has to do with step tbh. To a 13 year old, those pics will look creepy and she might associate the bump with fat. And yes she might be jealous or unsure as well. All normal for any family, non specific to step families.

I agree with everyone else. She’s 13. The reality is that the vast majority of her friends are long past the point of baby siblings appearing so you rocking up at school pregnant probably is a bit embarrassing.

4-D scans are odd and you will be getting fat. Lots of it is baby but you will still have a bump when the baby is here and some of it IS fat and that’s just a fact for anyone who is pregnant. Yes, it’s rude to comment on people’s weight and that’s the bit to tackle but she’s trying to articulate a changing body process that she’s probably a bit grossed out about.

I haven't read all the responses but I have 3 older DC with my exh and a 3 month old with dp. My older children were 19, 15 and 11 when I told them I was expecting. All of them acted appallingly. The youngest (my dd) openly cried and said she never wanted any siblings and my 15 year old ds called his dad and left home as well as told me I was disgusting. I unfortunately had a miscarriage. Then I fell pregnant again they all acted a bit better just indifferent but did make comments about the scan photos etc. My dd was worried about not being the baby being pushed out even when we found out it was a boy she said thank god ill still be the only girl. Now ds is here she is like a second mummy and the boys well they adore him too they all love him so so much and can't imagine being without him. I don't actually thing this is about you being pregnant it's her feelings of being pushed out etc. Once baby is here she will be blown away.

My daughters friend found a pregnancy test in her mother's room and was crying to my daughter on the phone that she didn't want her parents to have a baby and a baby would take all their money so she wouldn't have anything and would ruin her life. My daughter laughed and was saying it's nothing like that that doesn't happen but was not long ago she felt it did herself. Teenagers are selfish arses. 13 is a horrible age. Let your DP pull her on her rudeness but once your baby is here she will be so in love with him.

The truth is that to many people, intrauterine ultrasound scans do often resemble stylized alien drawings. That is not a negative criticism, just a realistic observation. Typically women do gain weight during pregnancy . Again, not a criticism, just an observation.

At age 13, kids are not always judicious or sensitive in the way that they express their thoughts and observations. Their lack of sensitivity is rarely malicious or done with intent to harm or hurt.It is usually just a situation of seeing and saying.

As an adult you know that weight gain of some amount is both normal and healthy in pregnancy, and your certainly know that at birth your newborn is not going to remotely resemble the intrauterine scan .

Just as pregnancy brings some level of uncertainty and change for the pregnant woman, so too are the feelings of uncertainty and change for the siblings. You should spend this time relaxing as much as possible and recognizing that this is a new and different experience for all involved.

At age 13, kids are not always judicious or sensitive in the way that they express their thoughts and observations. Their lack of sensitivity is rarely malicious or done with intent to harm or hurt.It is usually just a situation of seeing and saying.

I don't know, when the 13 year olds at my school were calling people fat is was definitely to be malicious and cause hurt.

@aSofaNearYou
Hence my statement prefaced with "are not always." Sometimes things pop into kids heads and promptly out of their mouths. They are saying with they are seeing with no intention of causing harm or hurt. Even adults sometimes say this without thinking.
Not every action or reaction is based upon some nefarious or malicious intent. I have no idea about the 13 year olds at your school, but having been, having had , and having worked with many 13 year olds, I can tell you that far more of those that I encountered were of the " see and say variety" rather than the" nefarious and malicious variety. "

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
Hence my statement prefaced with "are not always." Sometimes things pop into kids heads and promptly out of their mouths. They are saying with they are seeing with no intention of causing harm or hurt. Even adults sometimes say this without thinking.
Not every action or reaction is based upon some nefarious or malicious intent. I have no idea about the 13 year olds at your school, but having been, having had , and having worked with many 13 year olds, I can tell you that far more of those that I encountered were of the " see and say variety" rather than the" nefarious and malicious variety. "[/quote]
I'll have to agree to disagree with that.

Most 13 year old's I know are aware that "fat" is an insult, and deliberately use it in that manner to bully their peers. It was standard fare by late primary school, tbh.

Re the harsh words - in the Uk 13 if a child does something illegal, they are tried on harsher terms because they know right from wrong. They have the ability to make a informed choice and punishment is made to fit based on age and mental understanding.

The SD knew words to pick to hurt and is of a age where she should be held accountable. That wasn't ok, she does need an age appropriate punishment or you end up with a entitled bully who thinks that behaviour is ok. Bullies only stop bulling when held accountable, if not their behaviour gets worse shock horror.

There are mitigating factors that may explain why she said what she said, but since the pregnancy wasn't done at her, she still needs to be taught right from wrong on that point and should know this was wrong and since no one is suggesting her be put under the stairs it won't cause deep seeded trauma from being told to be decent with her words.

I imagine she's just really embarrassed, at her age it's quite unlikely any of her friends are having siblings now. I'm sure she'll love the baby once it's here.

I am not sure that saying your intrauterine sibling's ultrasound scan resembles an alien is rude or insensitive. The 13 year old would probably have said the same thing if shown an intrauterine scan of herself at that same stage of development.

As for using the term "getting fat" there was probably a more sensitized way of saying that.

Hopefully ,children at every age are taught to be attentive to how they use their words, but their does not seem to be anything malicious in the step daughter's intentions. It does seem to be quit an over reaction on dad and step mom to her comment about the scan resembling that of an alien as that is an observation that many pet have made about early intrauterine scan. Home is where children should be able to be honest in their observations.

In many instances, very young children's first inkling of a pregnancy may be expressed by saying " mommy your tummy is fat."

There can be a fine line between insensitivity and hypersensitivity a d sometimes one has to look closely at intent.

@Tattler2 She isn't a very young child. The alien bit I wouldn't find too offensive, most kids won't have seen 4D scans before and they do look strange, but calling people fat as an insult is common among kids around that age at school and it's very unlikely she isn't aware of that and was just commenting innocently.

As well, a 13yo and friends could be obsessed with weight/figure so the baby bump could be at odds with the waistlines they are after?

The joys of having a teenager my ds is 13 and was quite negative about his df and sm having a baby thankfully he wasn't negative towards them. He was insecure especially as it was a biggest gap between their other child and it was a boy. He's completely find seen the baby has been born.

My oldest son who is 21 now lives on his own but when he saw me after a couple of months when I was pregnant with ds he said god mum look how fat you've got. He knew it was a baby and not fat it was just his choice of words and we laughed and said well yes thats your brother growing and that was the end of it. It would completely depend on the tone of the comment as I knew my ds tone was just shock at how noticiable my bump now was in comparison to when he last saw me and just mucking around. You dsd doesn't live with you so to her your bump will seem more noticeable when she comes esp if it's eow contact only. Only you know if it was a malicious tone to the comment or was an omg moment.

Wow that's a tricky one. Being a teenager on top of everything else. The 4d scans are creepy even for me, as for her reaction, she focuses on appearance (baby's and yours). Have you noticed having problems or concerns about her own image? Sometimes it's easier to point fingers than realize & admit our problems, especially for a 13yo.

It's amazing that she is receiving so much love from all of you x