Thoughts on tracking phone apps?

[NorthernSpirit]

Can I ask for some advice?

My 13 YO SS’s mum has downloaded the 360 tracking app onto my SS’s phone. His dad (my OH) discovered she was checking the app numerous times a day when the SS was with us - so asked his son to turn the app off when he’s with us (and he can switch it back on when he’s at his mums).

His mum has gone mad - demanding the app is switched back on so she can see and track where he is.

My OH isn’t comfortable with this - his EW tracking our every move on dads contact time.

Personally - I’m not a fan of these apps as I don’t think we should be following kids around (he’s 13 now) and I think we should be teaching kids to manage without adult supervision which is an important part of the growing up process. But that’s by the by.

Thoughts?

She’s highly controlling and this is likely to start WW3.

Thanks.

If DH doesn't want the app on during his time that's up to him. She has no say what happens in his time

It's surveillance, pure and simple. How is it different to putting a tracker device on your car?

And this is one thread I'd be highly tempted to leak to the DM! THE OUTRAGE!

How does the 13 year old feel about it? I can imagine they'll be wanting to turn it off themselves soon enough.

I guess this is like me checking the nursery appt to see what my son is up to there - but he’s two. It doesn’t sound like she’s using this app for SS’ safety but to monitor his and your OH’s movements.

I must admit I'm someone who has a tracker on her kids phone, and I don't understand why people wouldn't. I want to know things like if he's on his way home.

The issue is not the app, it's how it's being used.

I'd turn it off in your case OP, bollox to WW3.

What exactly does it track? Most phones have a Find My Phone option so I’m not sure why an extra app is required.

Wat reason does she give for keeping it turned on when he’s with his dad? I can’t think of any reason where this would be reasonable. I’m not really a big fan of these tracking apps, kids should learn to be independent without the fall back of knowing their parents are watching their every move, I say this as a parent to 2 teenage DC’s.

I would be inclined to confiscate the phone when he is with you, and let him have a £10 basic phone with just calls and text facilities. Harsh, maybe, but when people ride their tanks right over your boundaries and through the castle walls, strong measures are required.

DSD is 18 and away at uni. MIL is 81 and lives alone. They both have tracking apps on their phones and DP often looks to see where they are. Nothing sinister about it, he just likes to check that they are safe.

I would want to know where my kids are too when they aren't with me. Not for any sinister reasons or to cause trouble, I just like to know where they are. I can understand why Mum is upset about the app being turned off.

What's the issue with Mum knowing where her son is? Surely he's going to speak to her about it all when he gets home anyway.
I think your OH is being paranoid.

I think the tracking app for a 13 year old is batshit to start with. And checking it when he is already with two adults is ridiculous. Either she doesn't trust her ex, or is being nosey.

What would ww3 look like? If she is going to bombard with intrusive calls/texts etc then he can always block her and insist on email contact.

@Skyeheather

DSD is 18 and away at uni. MIL is 81 and lives alone. They both have tracking apps on their phones and DP often looks to see where they are. Nothing sinister about it, he just likes to check that they are safe.

I would want to know where my kids are too when they aren't with me. Not for any sinister reasons or to cause trouble, I just like to know where they are. I can understand why Mum is upset about the app being turned off.

What's the issue with Mum knowing where her son is? Surely he's going to speak to her about it all when he gets home anyway.
I think your OH is being paranoid.

Her son is with his dad she needs to trust him to keep their son safe.

@Skyeheather

DSD is 18 and away at uni. MIL is 81 and lives alone. They both have tracking apps on their phones and DP often looks to see where they are. Nothing sinister about it, he just likes to check that they are safe.

I would want to know where my kids are too when they aren't with me. Not for any sinister reasons or to cause trouble, I just like to know where they are. I can understand why Mum is upset about the app being turned off.

What's the issue with Mum knowing where her son is? Surely he's going to speak to her about it all when he gets home anyway.
I think your OH is being paranoid.

Oh, the irony!

What exactly does she know that is in anyways harmful to any of you by her knowing where her son is at any given time? She has no control or input into where you go, and she has no way of knowing what happens when you get there. She knows nothing more than your location at the time that her son is with you.

Seemingly, she is not tracking your husband's where abouts when his son is not with him. So it would seem that she has no interest in your husband' s movements in general.
In your place, I would probably just ignore the situation. She gains little from it, and you lose nothing by it. It for me would fall into the pick your battles category.

In a few years, the son will likely find his own work around and will be picking and choosing what information that he chooses to share with either of his parents.

She knows nothing more than your location at the time that her son is with you. oh and that's ok is it? Not at all stalkerish?

My oldest is 19 and I didn't have a tracking app on her phone. When my dd 8 gets a phone I absolutely will without a doubt until about 15/16. That will be condition of having the phone.

Something extremely serious happened to my dd as a young teen when she had lied about were she was. Something most teens do as they grow up. Nobody knowing were she was left her in a situation she couldn't get out of and the impact of that has lasted years. So I would think carefully about why you both are so resistant to it. Teens lie. They push boundaries. Sometimes the impact of that isn't serious but sometimes it is life changing.

As my dd was with her dad 50/50 growing up and was out and about during contact time no I wouldnt have turned it off. Then I wouldn't have been checking it religiously or caring were she was with her dad. Also my dd wouldn't have given up her phone to her dad on contact time. She simply wouldn't have gone.

Your dh has two options keep if off when your ss is with you and ignore her views. Or he can also download the app so they both have access to his location.

DS is 13 and has tracking on his phone as part of Google Family Link. He also can see where I am and it is the same with my husband and I. No one stalks anyone, it's just handy. If I'm late coming to get ds from school he can quickly check where I am which is safer than me taking a call while driving and getting distracted. If I want to serve tea and dh is on his motorbike on his way home from work I can see how far away he is.
How does anyone even know how often the app is looked at by his mum?

How does you OH know that she is checking it or how often she does?

@cowburp
It may be borderline stalkerish , but it is harmless; seemingly, it only her son's whereabouts in which she has any interests. I am assuming that she tracks her son ' s movement on a routine basis. It does not appear to be behavior related specifically or singularly to the OP' s husband.

It is not something that most people choose to do, but exactly how is the OP in anyway harmed by this? They are hopefully not taking the child anywhere that places him in any kind of potential danger or harm. Beyond that, what exactly does the mother know that they would not willingly tell her if she bothered to ask.

Sometimes, things can be annoying but hardly worth getting bothered about; again, I would pick my battles and this would not make the list.

Beyond that, what exactly does the mother know that they would not willingly tell her if she bothered to ask. then she doesnt need an app she can ask

Thanks for the replies all.

The mother is extremely controlling - some examples, she will only ‘allow’ the children to call their dad in the times stipulated in the contact order (which has been in place for 9 years - when the kids were then 4 & 7 YO). The kids have to be dropped back on the clock, not one minute over.

TBH I think she wants to keep an eye on us (the kids dad & me). How do we know she is checking the app on our time? She will message the son & say ‘I see you are at….’ ‘Where you in the car doing 31mph….’ It’s constant. Today there have been 4 messages and it just gone lunchtime.

For the poster who said ‘I think your Oh is being paranoid’ oh the irony! This is the person tracks her daughter (18+) at University - personally I think that’s a huge invasion of privacy. Do you not trust her? You need to let go. Personally I think this is a huge invasion of our privacy.

My OH has told his son the app needs to be turned off when he’s with us. If his mum wants to know an itinerary of movements she can ask for it herself.

And does dad track where his son are a when he’s not with us? No because it’s mums time and he trusts her.

TBH I think she wants to keep an eye on us (the kids dad & me). How do we know she is checking the app on our time? She will message the son & say ‘I see you are at….’ ‘Where you in the car doing 31mph….’ It’s constant. Today there have been 4 messages and it just gone lunchtime absolutely horrendous behaviour.

If deleting/not using the app will cause more issues then can 13 year old leave it at home when you go out etc?

I find the trackers really useful for school home time and getting dinner ready.
But this isn’t that is it. It’s hard at that age they should be able to have their phone to contact their friends etc when they are with mum or dad. So I think it’s completely reasonable to turn the tracker off, it’s an unreasonable intrusion.
At this age friends contact is getting more and more important so I wouldn’t be quick to take the phone off them.

In this circumstance the best solution is that the phone is turned off on contact handover and a cheap replacement phone is provided for dss if he needs one. Anyone who genuinely needs contact with dss via his father anyway.

The trackers aren't an issue if used as safety devices, my own dd uploaded one for her own safety and provided me the link, but this is being used to spy, it sounds like the exw has issues still with coparenting and trust, if not mental health issues

Oh dear god this is outright crazy ! IMO the issue is already dealt with : your partner told your SS to turn the app off when he's with you guys and that's it. SS's mom can get mad all she wants, the decision stands and what can she do about it ? Fuck all is what.
If she gets at you personally and can't stand back you can block her number and let your partner deal with it.