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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU for being annoyed that DP can't sort dates out months in advance!!!

40 replies

catmum789 · 12/11/2021 20:10

I am 7 months pregnant and I have booked NCT antenatal classes (all out of my own money) as the ones in my area are not running face to face and I have been told it's a good opportunity to make new friends. Anyway, he was informed that the first class will be 01/12 back in September and I put my foot down and told him he needs to sort childcare for DSS(4) with EXW plenty of time in advance, DP has DSS Mon/Tues or Weds/Thurs inc Fri, Sat and Sun morning. EXW is always changing dates last minute meaning that DP has missed scans and appointments for baby. DP has told me he cannot get anyone to have DSS for the sessions and has still not told me if he is going to try to come or not! AIBU to be a bit annoyed, it always feels like baby is second choice. He has even said to me that I will have to take all the financial responsibility for baby as he has to pay for DSS, is this normal?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NatMoz · 12/11/2021 20:13

No it's not normal. What on earth is he on!!!!

DifferentHair · 12/11/2021 20:16

Of course you should share financial responsibility for your baby! Wtf is he thinking?

What a prince.

Give the baby your surname OP

HelloDulling · 12/11/2021 20:16

No. Why are you having a child with someone who is refusing any financial responsibility for the baby? He’s not your partner, just a crap boyfriend.

2020isnotbehaving · 12/11/2021 20:18

So his child is Supported by both parents but hey your first child only has a mum ye fair not! What does he think
Happens when you want/need attend scans or classes for child 2 you sort out childcare if your partners wants you there.

Evelyn52 · 12/11/2021 20:23

WTAF, sorry hon but I'd be out of there, doesn't sound like he's bothered at all and as for you financing the baby alone he doesn't get the option to opt out, he has 2 kids and must provide equally for both xx

Amberflames · 12/11/2021 20:24

He won’t contribute financially for his own child? NCT is the least of your worries.

Original poster

catmum789 · 12/11/2021 20:26

@HelloDulling

No. Why are you having a child with someone who is refusing any financial responsibility for the baby? He’s not your partner, just a crap boyfriend.

We have a really good relationship and he always told me he wants more kids, we pay bills and food together so I guess technically he would be paying for baby but not for things like clothes, classes, bottles etc

OP posts:

cowburp · 12/11/2021 20:45

He has even said to me that I will have to take all the financial responsibility for baby as he has to pay for DSS, is this normal?

No this is very much not normal.

I guess technically he would be paying for baby but not for things like clothes, classes, bottles etc disgusting. I'd look at how much maintenance you'd get if you left him, your child deserves better.

Lorw · 12/11/2021 20:47

OP, this isn’t normal. Your child is already second best so don’t expect things to change when they are here, he should be able to prioritise both. As for not taking financial responsibility that’s just crazy...make sure baby has your last name.

My motto is ‘if he wanted to he would’ don’t believe the bullshit 😁

cowburp · 12/11/2021 20:48

AIBU to be a bit annoyed, it always feels like baby is second choice. that's becuase it is. I'm so sorry but your partner seems to be one of those people who refuses to let their second family have any effect whatsoever on the child of their first family.

Rtmhwales · 12/11/2021 20:49

TBH I'd be taking baby out of the equation for him in a few ways. I'd be deciding it's first name and surname. And a bunch of other things since he doesn't seem to be bothered about this one. I'd also calculate maintenance and tell him he owes that much per month toward this new baby if that's his attitude.

SunnyLeaf · 12/11/2021 20:51

I’m sorry but you don’t have a really good relationship because this is absolutely not part of any good normal healthy relationship. Doesn’t really care, does he

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/11/2021 20:53

What a knob of a man. No it's not normal at all!

MargosKaftan · 12/11/2021 20:59

Oh OP, food, clothes and any additional items your child needs are family bills, in the same way food for both of you is and household expenses are. Let me guess, hes going to expect you to continue to make the same contribution to all the bills, but cover 100% of childcare costs because he views the baby as purely your expense.

Agree with the others saying give the baby your surname - mainly because he is telling you loud and clear he doesn't feel responsible for this child. Chances are unless something dramatically changes, you won't be together by the time this child starts school. Be prepared as much as possible for that.

samwitwicky · 12/11/2021 21:02

What in the actual F??

We have a really good relationship

Sorry OP but no, you don't

SheWoreYellow · 12/11/2021 21:05

What would be usual, financially, if for him to pay the required amount for his son, then what’s left over is pooled with child benefit, your maternity pay etc and then you both pay for things as needed. Obviously you consult the other for bigger purchases.

SheWoreYellow · 12/11/2021 21:06

To add, you might want to take a set amount each for going out/hobbies/makeup/clothes etc.

HogDogKetchup · 12/11/2021 21:09

He sounds totally uninterested in his second child.

It’s absolutely not normal to expect financial freedom from your second child.

I’d be really concerned he’s going to push this baby to the sidelines and you’ll be a single parent but with a cock lodger!

Coyoacan · 12/11/2021 21:10

It looks like you are going to be a single mother

HeyArnoldHey · 12/11/2021 21:14

Wow what a charmer!!
Sorry your having to deal with this looser you deserve better

Original poster

catmum789 · 12/11/2021 21:15

I just wanted to say, I have a lot more disposable income than DP so this is the reason why I would support baby financially. Also, we are not having childcare costs as due to flexible working arrangements baby will not need it.

OP posts:

Plotato · 12/11/2021 21:15

I guess technically he would be paying for baby but not for things like clothes, classes, bottles etc

Having had 2 children in the past couple of years, I cannot stress enough how much of a drop in the ocean the cost of bottles and classes are. Seriously, just not even worth thinking about. Childcare so you can work, car seats, three every increasing meals a day as they get older - that's what you should be considering. Of course he needs to have financial responsibility, just like all parents of more than one child have.

cowburp · 12/11/2021 21:19

Can you see how wrong it is though? For him to say this baby isn't his responsibility financially?

Spiceup · 12/11/2021 21:20

Too late now but why would youhave a baby without sorting this stuff?!

Of course he's financially responsible for the new baby. Re the childcare for the class, it's not his ex's job to cover him. He needs to arrange childcare but that doesn't mean his ex has to do it.

MadeForThis · 12/11/2021 21:20

He has 2 kids so he needs to support his 2 kids.

To be honest he sounds like he can't be bothered.

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