AIBU for being annoyed that DP can't sort dates out months in advance!!!

[catmum789]

I am 7 months pregnant and I have booked NCT antenatal classes (all out of my own money) as the ones in my area are not running face to face and I have been told it's a good opportunity to make new friends. Anyway, he was informed that the first class will be 01/12 back in September and I put my foot down and told him he needs to sort childcare for DSS(4) with EXW plenty of time in advance, DP has DSS Mon/Tues or Weds/Thurs inc Fri, Sat and Sun morning. EXW is always changing dates last minute meaning that DP has missed scans and appointments for baby. DP has told me he cannot get anyone to have DSS for the sessions and has still not told me if he is going to try to come or not! AIBU to be a bit annoyed, it always feels like baby is second choice. He has even said to me that I will have to take all the financial responsibility for baby as he has to pay for DSS, is this normal?

A lot of fathers seem to feel unable to make fair decisions, probably due to
Misplaced guilt about being separated from their child and feeling over responsible for everyone and everything. He needs to get his act together. No it's absolutely not ok for him to say, you pay for this child, I've already got one. The amount he can afford is based on the size of his family, so he may have to reduce what he pays to his x, unless you agree that it's ok, but it sounds like you don't. Also agreeing to childcare when he is already committed to supporting you in pregnancy is really thoughtless and you deserve support too as his partner.

No it's not normal.

Your partner clearly cannot parent on his own and needs to grow up.

He should have a few people who are able to babysit for him plus know other childcare options for his existing DC. He is a single parent when he has his DC, so should know how to support them in all the various ways you need to.

Then once you have your baby, especially when they are in childcare he should be paying a sum towards their needs. In other words he needs to split his salary/earrings amongst all the children. It won't necessarily be equal in any point in time as each child will have different needs but it will be equal in the long term.

My DP did and does all this plus other fathers I know. I suspect your partner's "parenting skills" or lack of them are one of the reasons he isn't with his ex.

Does it surprise you that a man who has decided that he is not going to contribute to the support of his expected child might have no particular interest in going to prenatal classes.

It probably has less to do with poor time management skills and more to do with little interest in taking prenatal classes. If he did not take prenatal classes prior to the birth of his other child, and having already gone through pregnancy and child birth ,he may not feel any compelling need to participate in the prenatal experience. He probably has no objection to your participating in the classes particularly given that you are the one paying for the classes.

Sadly, there is not always a connection between impregnation and the willingness or ability to be an adequate parent or partner.

Hopefully, for the sake of your child, your partner may become an engaged parent even if he is not a financially contributing parent.

You will need to decide for yourself if you really want to be with a man who has so little investment or seeming interest in the birth of your child.

Every interesting man, proficient lover, and fun companion does not necessarily a good parent or good spouse make. In some situations, you could get the same results with less stress and anxiety by going to a sperm bank.

A

By what twisted logic does a man think he has to pay for his son but not for his baby?

Re: not sorting child care, do you think he's tying himself in knots overthinking that "DSS will feel replaced" or do you think he just can't be arsed?

He will be allowed to reduce payments to DSS when the baby is born if he's going through the CMS. He should anyway rather than expect you to pay for everything.

He's a prick, OP, tell him to sort himself out.

@catmum789

I just wanted to say, I have a lot more disposable income than DP so this is the reason why I would support baby financially. Also, we are not having childcare costs as due to flexible working arrangements baby will not need it.

Whether you've got more disposable income doesn't matter. You're a family and your baby is a shared expense.

I hope it's his flexible working that means no child care and not yours, further reducing your earnings.

Tbh I think you've got a major DP problem here.

Why do women settle for these complete losers?

He made two children so he needs to financially support two children.

No childcare??? Hope this doesn’t mean you’ll be working looking after baby all day and then in a sleep deprived haze trying to make up your hours by night.

Re the nct class if that was a day he was due to have his son and not a change then I'm afraid I'd agree with him on that however financially yes you should both be paying any costs. But it might need an overall review of your finances so you are both reasonably equal (unless he's a workshy scrounger who expects you to do everything in which case get rid now)

I would love to know how much support he actually pays for his first child. So often it's first wife versus second, first children versus second. Is your husband really contributing a significant amount to his ex or is he just trying to get away with as little as he can for both?

A parent makes a decision on how many children they have, and needs to provide for them. His first child doesn't suddenly cost less, his second isn't free, what sacrifices is he making to ensure he is able to support both his children?

Its interesting you say you have much more disposable income, not that you earn considerably more. As well as child support, does he have debts /expensive car finance /expensive phone contract he "needs" meaning you have more left over due to different choices, not due to earning significantly more?

Do be wary of arrangements that mean the care and funding of your joint child is not his concern. I would be temped to set up a joint account for bills and family expenses - including for your child. If you earn significantly more then you'd put in more, but the car he drives, the phone he has, these are no longer private choices that you don't get a say in if it means he can't afford to feed and clothe his 2nd child.

If your step child is due to come to you when you have NCT classes, you need childcare.

This is 100% bat shit and the mere fact you have to ask internet strangers if it's acceptable for an expectant father to abdicate financial responsibility? No one expects a pregnancy to go wrong until it does or jobs to disappear but it happens. I was 26 and crashed and burned while pregnant and was out of work for months unable to care for myself for three months and had a SN baby. If my DH had decided not to support us I'd have been in the poorhouse. Rethink your choices with this loser

I hope you make it very clear that you will not be default childcare for his first child just because you will be home looking after your baby whilst on maternity leave. He is making no effort for you so fairs fair.

Do not pay for everything yourself. Your pay will drop whilst on mat leave and therefore so should your contribution to joint household bills. Save as much money as you can Op as I think you are going to need it.

I will say one thing - YOUR SURNAME.

I would wager that you won't be living with this guy by the time your baby is 3.

He needs to organise a babysitter so he can attend the class.

This is what families having a second child do.

Families having a second child also have to adjust their spending to be able to afford it. He needs to do that too.