Christmas and getting through it

[DreadingChristmasAlready]

Anyone dreading the C word already? I try my best to stay out of my step childrens lives as much as possible but this season throws us all together for extended periods. All the fake joviality the festive period is supposed to bring. I'm dreading it and have little or no escape.

They are young adults (not young children).
Any ideas on how to cope?

Gin?
What is it that you find particularly hard? I have adult SC and actually like it when they come to stay as they're great company and get on really well with DD. But - I don't love the relentless feeding/cleaning/tidying.

We have a rubbish relationship all year round. They're rude, entitled and greedy and their father (my husband) facilitates it (that's another story). I normally don't see them at all which suits us all, but there seems no escape at Christmas. We're all effectively forced to be together to keep DH happy.

That does sound like hard work. Can you get out a bit while they're with you? Go for a walk with a friend, have a good moan and come back ready to grin and bear it for a couple of hours?
I think if you can't change it, but have to live with it, try to detach a bit and remember it's just for a few days.

How long are they coming for? Are they not spending a significant portion of the time with their mother’s family?

Depending on what days they’re coming, could you arrange anything with friends or family and just leave them to be together? Or would your husband get all ridiculous?

Encourage them all to go to the pub while you do other stuff? Get yourself some lovely bath stuff for Christmas and spend a lot of time in the bathroom?

Strategic migraine? 🤣

It’s hard… and it doesn’t necessarily get any easier.

I dread christmas too. It’s just fraught with divorced dad crap imagined by DH (he’ll be a nightmare about being ‘fair’ in how much we spend, until it turns out that the SC are getting the most spent on them - happens every time).

There will be drama as his ex pulls all manner of shit that means whatever they’d agreed in advance suddenly looks like her getting all the bits of Christmas she wants (Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, the birthdays that fall in that period) while getting all the days in between to relax and do what she wants. Last year she ‘accidentally’ exposed them to covid so they had to isolate over the relevant period. 🙄

Even if she doesn’t pull the same kind of crap she does every year, that’s mean Christmas dinner with fussy, overindulged SC. There is no fun to be had in that. It doesn’t matter what I make, they’ll sulk and complain because I made it.

I will look forward to the bit where DH takes the SC to visit MIL (and her family) and make the most of that instead. That’s my plan.

Make a plan to get our at some point? Boxing day sales shopping? Go for a hotchocolate and a walk?

@DreadingChristmasAlready if I were in your position & if I had the cash I'd honestly book a week in The Canaries for myself & leave dh to his dc. If he'd rather tolerate rudeness & entitlement from adult dc than make life comfortable for his dw then I'd rather spend Christmas alone!

Delegate.

They can peel veg etc.
You are not the hired help remember..

Make sure you plan walks/meals out/cheese board and wine night in ect with your friends! Fuck them kids - make sure you do things that fill your cup.

I also find putting my middle finger up at dhs parenting when I walk out the room makes me giggle. Sometimes I video myself doing it and send it to my best friend.

@Pumpkinsonparade

Delegate.

They can peel veg etc.
You are not the hired help remember..

See, one of my strategies for coping with my husband’s family is to use doing stuff like escaping to the supermarket shopping or hiding in the kitchen cooking as an avoidance strategy.

The last thing I’d want is to delegate tasks that would have them in the kitchen with me! I’d much rather be peel potatoes (really slowly) than making small talk with people whose company I don’t enjoy.

Yes I'd be in the kitchen with a big glass of wine, music on and would enjoy being in the kitchen doing things rather than being around them.

Adult SC here too Op, one is delightful, one is thankfully not welcome in our home ever again after she publicly threw 10 tonnes of shit at me last year.

DH and I are off to the pub xmas day so no work, no major food shop needed and we've extended an invite to the in-laws for a couple of hours the day after boxing day. our house, our rules, we're not a B&B anymore (we used to be all things to all men but that wasnt reciprocated so no more!)

“We're all effectively forced to be together to keep DH happy”

Fuck that! I’d either be booking myself a break somewhere or telling him that he can go elsewhere!

Thanks for all of the coping strategies. I’m firmly in the camp of avoid avoid avoid so having them in the kitchen with me is a no. They’re probably not capable of peeling a carrot but I wouldn’t know .
It’s only a few days but it’s a few days more than I’d choose to spend with them, I’d rather be alone.

You're forced into it to keep 'D'H happy, but he won't "keep you happy"?

I agree with PPs, I'd be out of there!

@arootintootingoodtime

You're forced into it to keep 'D'H happy, but he won't "keep you happy"?

I agree with PPs, I'd be out of there!

It’s never that easy to just be out of there. Only on Mumsnet is the reality of leaving a husband, getting a new home, etc considered a side issue.

It’s never that easy to just be out of there. Only on Mumsnet is the reality of leaving a husband, getting a new home, etc considered a side issue.

I really just meant I'd be off to the pub for Christmas . It wasn't a LTB, although I see that I wasn't clear.

Anyway, I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas one way or another

Adopt the Mrs Brown strategy. Smile through gritted teeth and repeat "that's nice" (internally thinking f off) to any sarky/put down/unasked for comment.

I like my adult step children, and I even like the ex wife who comes as a job lot with them. But you can have too much togetherness. I have developed strategies.

I plan to see friends outside of the home, we have a dog who can always be persuaded on a walk, I have an allotment, I encourage my DH round for dinner on occasion to theirs, or to see them at the cinema or bowling.

I take myself off for a long bath, or an early night.

And on other times I just say 'no' - a night off is required.

How long have you been in their lives?

And I've taken myself off to see my family at times too.

I sympathise - as I say I like my husband's kids - it must be awful if they aren't treating you with any respect.

@arootintootingoodtime

You're forced into it to keep 'D'H happy, but he won't "keep you happy"?

I agree with PPs, I'd be out of there!

I’d have never got “in” there

If it’s any consolation op
I highly doubt they are looking forward to spending time with someone who see them as greedy and grabby and endeavours to keep any interaction with them to a bare minimum

That's a lot of people being put out to make your DH happy, both you and your step kids. Do they definitely want to come? What does your DH do to help you with the situation?

Is there no option for a friend of yours to miraculously win a festive mini break in a hotel that they ask you to join them on?

Always makes me sad when I read these type of things :( My sister and I haven’t spent Christmas with my Mum for years (which means she also missed out on Christmas mornings with the grandchildren) as my Mums husband is very obvious with his ‘dislike’ of us. We not grabby or demanding, happy to help and be involved. His obvious dislike and avoidance of us is clear - he once stopped in a pull in rather than come back while we where still there :( it’s really affected my relationship with my Mum and our children with their Grandma. It hurts knowing that his family and my mums adult step children out welcomed and provided with food and effort over the festive season. I don’t know what I can do to make it work for my Mum to be part of our wider family activities as he doesn’t want a part of us.
On the flip side my Dads wife is completely welcoming as is her family of us.

I get it as for you they hard work and your husband doesn’t sound helpful - but us adult step children know and it makes it hard :(

@Change123today that situation sounds sucky for you and your mum, this situation is a little different because it's the ex wife basically excluding the new wife feom Christmas festivities and saying Christmas is mine with the kids and her ex husband. So essentially pretending the new wife doesn't exist so she will be spending Christmas and future ones pretty much on her own as the DM refuses to alternate.

Op hasn't said she wouldn't love Christmas with the SC and her DP it's just their mum won't allow it and DP is a wet lettuce.

I doubt even the kids will notice this kindness their SM is doing for them to keep the peace. But maybe they will as adults who knows.