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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Always talks about mum and stepdad

31 replies

Scots1090 · 07/11/2021 12:38

Hi everyone

Wondering is it normal that step child (sc) talks about mum and her boyfriend very often?

SC frequently/excessively tell us (me & SC’s dad) about what mum has been doing, what the mum’s boyfriend likes/watches/spent on the latest gadget.

Its at a point where if we do something like go out/have dinner/ see something/ buy something the SC doesn’t seem to live in the moment but recalls a story relating to mum & boyfriend.

Yet SC doesn’t really recall our experiences as a family ( ie SC, dad & me) nor seems to have much positive stuff to say about us.
We put in a lot of effort to give fun days out, a lovely bedroom, family time etc but it seems to get forgotten and whatever mum did was better.

I understand SC will talk about them (and I never stop this), it’s a huge part of SCs life but to the point where it cuts across our life together.

I think SCs mum could be perpetuating this but is this normal and how do I get SC to enjoy our family time?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nimbuscloud · 07/11/2021 12:41

How old is sc?

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 07/11/2021 12:45

Just because the child talks about other family members it doesn't mean that they don't enjoy time with you.

I'd put money on them also talking a lot about your house when they're away.

I'm not sure why you see this as an issue to be honest.

Original poster

Scots1090 · 07/11/2021 12:45

Sorry forgot to say SC is 11

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 07/11/2021 12:50

They are probably just trying to connect their two worlds. How do you know she doesn't do the same about you at her mum's house?

Babyiskickingmyribs · 07/11/2021 12:57

Why would he talk to you about stuff you’ve done together? You were there, he doesn’t need to tell you about it. The stuff the happened when he was with his mum and stepdad is not stuff you already know! This is 11 year old logic OP. He’s telling you the stuff you don’t already know, but not considering that emotionally you might prefer not to hear it. He probably doing exactly the same in reverse with his mum and stepdad. They are probably sick of hearing about you and your DH.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 07/11/2021 12:58

Sorry I’ve assumed SS but actually you’ve kept it completely ambiguous. It doesn’t make any difference to my point.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2021 13:13

We had this when she got a new boyfriend who was there all the time from very early on and it was partly a big change for them and they found it unsettling. It died off a bit in time then they split up.

cowburp · 07/11/2021 14:39

I had this with one of the DSC when they were 7-8. It helped if I reframed it as we were all part of their family so to them it would be like if my shared DC started telling me about something they did with dad. They were probably going home and telling mum all about what they did with us!

CactusLemonSpice · 07/11/2021 17:42

She's telling you about her life. This is a positive thing. It shows trust, and she probably feels like you would be interested in what she gets upto. I would take that as a good sign.

Thestepmum1985 · 07/11/2021 18:33

My step son aged 12 talks about his Mum and Stepdad when he is with us. I would consider it quite normal. I would think there was something wrong if he didn't think he could mention them around us.
It means nothing, doesn't mean he wishes he wasn't with us, he is just telling us about his home life, which to me shows trust and comfort.

BudgeSquare · 07/11/2021 18:36

You have no idea if they talk about you and their dad while they're with their mum

I really don't think an 11 year old can be controlled remotely by their parent in terms of what they talk about

What exactly is your objection to them mentioning their own mother and how would you want that to change?

Original poster

Scots1090 · 07/11/2021 20:32

@BudgeSquare

1. You have no idea if they talk about you and their dad while they're with their mum

I really don't think an 11 year old can be controlled remotely by their parent in terms of what they talk about

What exactly is your objection to them mentioning their own mother and how would you want that to change?

There is no objection to talking about SCs life and no idea if she does it with her own mum. I was simply asking if this is normal and how we can enjoy our family time together without everything coming down to being told mum does everything better or spent more on X so it’s better.

No problem talking about it but find it odd and a bit disappointing how much everything is compared and always better at mum& boyfriends house.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 07/11/2021 20:41

I think SCs mum could be perpetuating this

SMs often think anything they perceive as negative comes from the mum. You can't tell a kid what to talk about like that.

The fact that he talks about his mum and stepdad doesn't mean he's not enjoying his time with you.

He probably talks about his dad and stepmum when he's at his mums.

Louisa4987 · 07/11/2021 21:02

My SS does this, even to the point we couldn't carve a pumpkin the other day because he'd already done one at his mums house and it was twice the size! I actually had a sneaking suspicion his mum hadn't done him a pumpkin but he's got some real emotional issues about feeling he has to big his mum up to us that he said she had when she hadn't. Funnily enough I carved the pumpkin anyway and he wanted to take it home with him.

We've had it a lot over the years where he feels he has to stick up for her even when she does things that are inexcusable. He also does it about her boyfriend who chooses not to be involved with SS other than to buy expensive gifts every now and then.

It can be quite draining especially when it's a child that's probably old enough to realise what they are doing!

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2021 10:40

How long has it been going on OP? Has there been a recent change?

I know my DSC aren’t allowed to talk about their dad in their mum’s house at all. She might have calmed down a bit in the last couple of years but for a long time they were told “we don’t discuss your father in this house” and they found it really upsetting. It’s not like he left her either, she’s just very odd and extremely controlling. It’s not just him, she regularly bans them from mentioning people as she routinely falls out with them. It must be such a tiring way to live.

We took it as a good sign they felt able to speak about her and the then boyfriend, there’s nothing they can’t bring up here and it’s stood us in good stead with friendship dramas, puberty, other complicated life stuff they’ve had on.

Far better to be the home they feel comfortable in to talk about anything and everything especially as they grow older.

BananaPB · 08/11/2021 14:57

I'd imagine it's normal tbh. Say when someone starts dating, they might compare a first date with current man with a first date with new man. They obviously wouldn't discuss it with the man but they might confide and analyse with a friend or sister.

In the case of your sc he could be bigging up his other life because he's insecure about his position at your house. Or it could be an annoying age thing. Eg boy 1 says he's getting a PS5 (hard to find) and boy 2 says "We've got 3" Kids who do that are insecure ime and think that having bigger and better is the ticket to popularity and attention.

I understand why you'd find it annoying but 12 is the kind of age where they are trying to appear adult and "done this already" seems like a cool/adult thing to say.

He probably talks about you to his mum and I wouldn't be surprised if he says the same sort of thing to her.

hulahoopqueen · 08/11/2021 15:55

We used to think this about DSS and got quite dispirited for the same reasons - we tried to give him great experiences and it felt like he was just forgetting about them as soon as they happened.
It turned out this was not the case - in fact, quite the opposite.
When they talk about their mum's family's spending or experiences, I would give it a nonchalant "oh that's nice", and change the conversation. If they don't seem to get the hint, maybe sit down with them and explain that while you're happy that mummy and X have these gadgets and experiences, that you're quite happy not knowing about it, as it's their mum's business to share that information.
Do you get on with the mum? Maybe explain to her the situation and see if she's getting similar from SC at hers.

Chucklecheeks01 · 08/11/2021 22:47

@hulahoopqueen when they're telling you about their mum or things they've done together its because they want to bring bring two worlds together. It might be very seperate for you but it's not for the child. Please don't tell them you don't want to know.

Nowomenaroundeh · 09/11/2021 12:34

Yeah this is a PITA. My DSD is 15 now, I've known her since she was 10 and this behaviour started about two years in.

Anything we did for her was compared unfavourably to how it's done at her mum's - "we only eat high quality cakes from proper cake bakeries" or "why have you booked afternoon tea for that time, the hotel obviously doesn't know what they are doing, we always go at X time" accompanied by a disdainful look when we tell her what holidays or days out we have planned.

We don't have the money or the extended family support fun that she gets in her mum's. Sometimes I think it's this but then I have to give myself a shake and remind myself it's just an insecure youngster establishing herself. Things became worse since I had my own baby.

I sympathise but mentally just grit your teeth while you beam and say that sounds wonderful at your mum's. It's starting to settle down a bit here finally. How is your relationship in general?

Wallywobbles · 09/11/2021 12:42

We always said. What goes on at mums house is between you and her. We don't need to know. Or a variation of that.

Justilou1 · 09/11/2021 12:49

Has the SF been around for very long or is he a new fixture in the SC life? Maybe he’s being a Disney Dad because he’s new, and SC isn’t accustomed to doing much at all. Maybe they don’t really do anything and SC is making it up… just let her waffle on. It’s more important that she feels safe talking openly to you than what she does at your place vs EXW & SF.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/11/2021 12:57

Don't worry, she is probably boring them rigid telling them what she does at your house, what you say about this or that, how you put mushrooms in the Bolognese etc.

They just talk talk talk at that age, but it will dry up in a few years.

aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 13:10

We do have this with my DSS, though he's only 8. I'm not sure quite what the answer is, it's obviously good for them to feel they can talk about the other household, but at the same time it can lead to some less than pleasant personality traits that transfer into their wider life. I've noticed this with DSS - when he talks to other children he seems incapable of relating to them other than to say "I've got this", "I've got two of them", "I did this with my mum", "I live in..." etc. All kids do this a bit but my DSS seems to do it to excess, to the point where it comes across as bragging and like he's only really interested in talking about himself. I've noticed other children don't respond well to it and it doesn't serve him well when it comes to making friends.

I think by 12 I would certainly be trying to subtly, but politely, hint that people aren't that interested in this. Lots of "that's nice dear" type responses, and then move away from the subject.

PeeAche · 09/11/2021 13:12

My SC are forbidden from discussing our house at mum's house because "she hates daddy" so we have made a special effort to not just allow but encourage talk of mum in our house.

At times this has meant I had to listen to talk of their mum constantly. Naturally, it drives us both nuts, but we let it go. Even when my DSD compared my pubic hair to her mums. (Don't even ask 😂)

Another off-shoot of this is that when the children were younger they believed mummy was "right" and daddy was "wrong" since mummy is permitted at daddy's but daddy is not permitted at mummy's. IYSWIM. This royally sucked for my DH but he got over it because it's about consistency for the kiddos.

I firmly believe that children of divorce have a tougher time of "making sense" of their worlds as they grow up. I did not have divorce parents and I took for granted how ordinary a life is when mum and dad share a roof. My SC are figuring out how mum and dad slot in together in their world and it's okay if they're still figuring it out at 21.

When I feel emotive about something like this myself, I try to treat it like a business. I'm in the business of helping raise children and hopefully the output will be a fantastic person! It's not about me.

I never think it's okay for adults to suffer and for SC to steam roller over everything, btw. But in this particular case, your SC is not trying to hurt any feelings. Just connecting their 2 homes and making sense of their world. They'll also grow out of this phase.

In the mean time, suck it up! Consider this a battle not worth picking. Have a gin! Take a bath! Know that all children, whether we pushed them out of our hooeys or not, will test our boundaries and patience.

gogohm · 09/11/2021 13:17

Dp's dd talk about her mum ;well complains mostly) it's common to speak about other parts of their lives

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