Always talks about mum and stepdad

[Scots1090]

Hi everyone

Wondering is it normal that step child (sc) talks about mum and her boyfriend very often?

SC frequently/excessively tell us (me & SC’s dad) about what mum has been doing, what the mum’s boyfriend likes/watches/spent on the latest gadget.

Its at a point where if we do something like go out/have dinner/ see something/ buy something the SC doesn’t seem to live in the moment but recalls a story relating to mum & boyfriend.

Yet SC doesn’t really recall our experiences as a family ( ie SC, dad & me) nor seems to have much positive stuff to say about us.
We put in a lot of effort to give fun days out, a lovely bedroom, family time etc but it seems to get forgotten and whatever mum did was better.

I understand SC will talk about them (and I never stop this), it’s a huge part of SCs life but to the point where it cuts across our life together.

I think SCs mum could be perpetuating this but is this normal and how do I get SC to enjoy our family time?

I think it's pretty normal. My DSD did this a lot when she was about 8 or 9. I reckon she was feeling a bit insecure and wanted to know it was ok for her to be happy at both homes and to be able to talk about her Mum. It was usually me she wanted to tell about things. I'd always be interested and listen.
She's in her 20's now and still does it a bit! I got a photo of her Mum's new puppy this week 😄
It's easier for the kids not to have to watch what they say for fear of upsetting a parent. It can be a conduit for an unhappy parent to try and make discomfort though. A stepmum friend of mine had to put up with her SC always telling her she wasn't cleaning or doing the laundry right (because she did it differently to Mum) kid had a very difficult time with Mum yet was fiercely protective of her. My friend was stoically patient as she understood it wasn't really about her.

He's 11. He wants to join in the conversation so he's telling you about similar circumstances and occasions within his experience. That's completely normal.

He probably won't understand that it might not be very tactful, for a couple of years yet.

@PeeAche

I firmly believe that children of divorce have a tougher time of "making sense" of their worlds as they grow up. I did not have divorce parents and I took for granted how ordinary a life is when mum and dad share a roof. My SC are figuring out how mum and dad slot in together in their world and it's okay if they're still figuring it out at 21.

When I feel emotive about something like this myself, I try to treat it like a business. I'm in the business of helping raise children and hopefully the output will be a fantastic person! It's not about me.

I read so many posts on here from step-parents / parents in blended families that make me feel absolutely desperate and so sorry for the children involved.

Your post is the opposite of that. It really gives me hope that it is possible for adults to put children first, even when they are not their own, and for step-parents to have the kindness, sensitivity, empathy and decency that recognises what the children are going through (while also acknowledging how difficult it can be for the adults involved).

You seem like a truly lovely, decent person, full of understanding and warmth and emotional intelligence. Your stepchildren are lucky to have you in their lives.

P.S. @Beamur you also sound lovely! Hadn't read your comment when I posted mine. Thank you to you both for being such good caring people.

[quote Chucklecheeks01]@hulahoopqueen when they're telling you about their mum or things they've done together its because they want to bring bring two worlds together. It might be very seperate for you but it's not for the child. Please don't tell them you don't want to know.[/quote]
Totally fair point, however in our situation it was regarding very specific things about his Mum's financial situation that she definitely would not have wanted to be shared with us. We actively encourage the "what did you get up to this week" thing.
Fair play though, looking back at my comment there was no distinction there!

SD8 does this. Far more so when she is feeling insecure. Usually when she has been upset by something her mum has said.
If relationship between parents is amicable then probably just child fitting together & making sense of the blended family situation.
If it’s a HC situation with mum then suggests attachment issues.
It is really frustrating and sometimes unintentionally hurtful when you are constantly compared! At least as others have said it shows that he feels free to talk about his mum with you and that’s a really good thing. It is really harmful for kids to think that they can’t talk about one parent to the other.
Just use the whole ‘that’s lovely dear’ line and try not to let it bother you!