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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Asking husband to change arrangements with ex

49 replies

Scots1090 · 02/11/2021 17:11

My husband has his child (my step child) for some days during the week and alternative weekends.
However this includes step child staying over every Friday, meaning as a couple never getting a whole weekend together. Step child is here for half terms etc and during the week.

Is it unreasonable to ask husband that on alternate weekends (where step child isn’t here) that this could also include the Friday evening so that we can have a proper weekend together?

We rarely go anywhere and as a newly wedded couple, I want some weekends away? The ex wife gets this so why can’t we. Or am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Flainling · 02/11/2021 17:23

I think this would be unreasonable yes although I understand why you'd want this.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable though to arrange a weekend away in advance and just ask for a change of days one time to accommodate it. Obviously depends if his ex is reasonable or not and whether you'd do it the other way around. We've done that for DHs ex before when she's wanted to go away when she'd usually have the children. I don't think that's a big deal so long as it's not every weekend.

Say if once or twice in the year you had a weekend away and so had DSC on a Thursday instead of a Friday twice a year don't see why it needs to be an issue.

aSofaNearYou · 02/11/2021 17:48

I don't think you should change the general arrangement as long as there's flexibility on the odd date if you wanted to go away.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/11/2021 17:50

Yanbu to want a clear weekend alone with your husband once in a while.

Maybe suggest to dh that he and ex arrange for the first friday of every month to be swapped for another night of her choosing.

lunar1 · 02/11/2021 17:56

A couple of times a year fair enough, not every other weekend. How did you manage the time from dating to getting married?

RussianSpy101 · 02/11/2021 18:00

YABU

Yogawankonobi · 02/11/2021 18:02

Do you have children op?

I think a child free weekend every now and then is completely reasonable but he is father, he can’t opt out of weekends. You married him knowing this.

NellieBertram · 02/11/2021 18:03

If you want to go away for the weekend, could you not just ask the ex if she will swap that specific Friday?
Or get someone else (grandma?) to babysit that Friday?

Lorw · 02/11/2021 18:07

We have SC every weekend, never been away for a weekend and ex kicks off so we try not to rock the boat.

I’d say just book time off work together so you can go away 😁

PeeAche · 02/11/2021 18:13

Yeah, it would be unreasonable, I'm afraid. Although I do totally understand the feeling from your side. Thanks

Dad isn't a part time thing, even though he's only with him part of the time.

mrsm43s · 02/11/2021 18:16

Can you not book some annual leave and go away during the week when SC is with their mum? Likely to be cheaper and quieter too!

Ulimately, you don't get to arrange being a parent around your social life! Reasonable to arrange a babysitter on occasions if your DH agrees, but tbh, if I only saw my children half the week, I'd not want to lose a minute of that time. I'd be arranging my social life around my pre-existing commitments with the children, rather than the other way round.

converseandjeans · 02/11/2021 18:17

YABU as you knew he had a child. Most couples with children get maybe one or two child free weekends a year.

If you have a child with him will you try to get rid of them too so you can have couple time?

It's just part of family life. Maybe DH likes spending time with them & it's not about making things easy for his ex.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/11/2021 18:21

Nothing unreasonable about talking to your husband. What’s the distance between you? Could he swap a Friday for a Thursday or another day so he doesn’t lose time but you get a whole weekend a few times a year?

Is it court ordered or a private arrangement between them?

KylieKoKo · 02/11/2021 18:41

I think the best co patenting arrangements have some degree of flexibility. Why not just ask her to swap the odd day?

BadlyFormedQuestion · 02/11/2021 18:42

Does the ex never want a whole weekend with her child either?

SlugRose · 02/11/2021 18:43

I think it would depend on how open the ex is to changing arrangements. They must have been agreed for a reason. It's between them really. I don't see why you couldn't ask him if it's possible for him to swap a Friday for another day with his ex though? For a one or twice a year thing.

But if communication is open and on good terms and the arrangement will has been in place for a long time then it might be that mum is keen to have them one Friday so she can have a longer weekend with them. Or swap a day

SlugRose · 02/11/2021 18:44

Are they there for the whole half term?

Original poster
Scots1090 · 02/11/2021 18:52

Fair points.

The child care arrangements have changed over time but my husband didn’t involve me in this decision, which hurts as the changes have been to accommodate the ex.

I know this is what I signed up for. I have been very flexible and considerate in accommodating the husband, to the point I feel it’s always me that has to make the compromises.

As I say, it hurts that I am rarely considered in these decisions that affect us all.

OP posts:
BadlyFormedQuestion · 02/11/2021 18:54

It’s a problem if your husband is not involving you in decisions that affect your life like this. Yes he’s a father all the time, but he only has the children some of the time. he’s making arrangements with his ex and not even consulting you. Of course that feels unfair.

SlugRose · 02/11/2021 18:55

Have you asked him yet and he's said you're unreasonable? If not there's no harm just mentioning it.

CornishGem1975 · 02/11/2021 18:55

Oh, I hear you. We have every Friday too. It drives me mad. Going away for a weekend (even with our own DC) is near impossible and so difficult to coordinate we hardly bother.

Kimbo180 · 02/11/2021 19:04

I use to have the same issue. It felt like we needed permission to go away. So we just change alternate nights we take her the thursday before
we probly only get 2 weekends out of the 52 weeks. But its all part of the slog till shes older.. roll on 🤣🤣🤣🤣

thenewduchessofhastings · 02/11/2021 19:10

If you go EOW could you have SC from end of School Friday until start of school Monday?

Ginger1982 · 02/11/2021 19:20

So does the child stay over Friday into Saturday and then go home one weekend and turn Friday to Sunday/Monday the next weekend?

StopGo · 02/11/2021 19:43

@BadlyFormedQuestion

It’s a problem if your husband is not involving you in decisions that affect your life like this. Yes he’s a father all the time, but he only has the children some of the time. he’s making arrangements with his ex and not even consulting you. Of course that feels unfair.
Well he's told you very clearly exactly where you stand. Listen to him.
Festivalgirl83 · 02/11/2021 20:22

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My DC alternate weekends with my ex and they go from Friday after school until Sunday evening. Its not really alternating weekends if you have the kids for every Saturday morning

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