Asking husband to change arrangements with ex

[Scots1090]

My husband has his child (my step child) for some days during the week and alternative weekends.
However this includes step child staying over every Friday, meaning as a couple never getting a whole weekend together. Step child is here for half terms etc and during the week.

Is it unreasonable to ask husband that on alternate weekends (where step child isn’t here) that this could also include the Friday evening so that we can have a proper weekend together?

We rarely go anywhere and as a newly wedded couple, I want some weekends away? The ex wife gets this so why can’t we. Or am I being selfish?

You want a weekend away together then get a babysitter. This is what parents do.

What time does the child go home on the Saturday after the Friday night?

I don't think it's unreasonable. I was elated when dss dm complained about never having a whole weekend to herself and asked for the days to be changed so eow could happen. Dh was dead set against it so we have dss every Sunday evening as a compromise with her, but having every other Friday and Saturday is bliss.

I also really like our weekends with dss. This weekend I had a bath and went to bed early on the Friday and left dh and dss to it, Saturday we played monopoly, watched little rascals and the little vampire - I did us a cheese board and dips dinner to go with it. Sunday we had friends over for a Halloween party tea. Sorry for the rambling but basically I make more effort and have a nicer time on the weekend we have with dss because I get the following weekend off. I also make sure I see my friends on the weekend dss is with us so on our weekend off me and DH do something.

I'm not sure how you can broach it - maybe start with asking for a weekend away or a weekend in bed! Then say how lovely it was to do that and its a shame it can't happen more often.. see what happens.

how would dsc feel about this? its their access time with parent

Sometimes men have a habit of doing this. Not sure if it’s guilt at leaving the ex or just wanting to keep them on good terms and make life easy etc or what.

He should be considering his life with you alongside seeing his child and not just making changes to accommodate what suits his ex.

I agree with some of the other posters that it shouldn’t be changed as a regular arrangement but if you want a weekend away you should be able to book one and ask for this to be accommodated and vice verse.

I dont see why the step child should be at your house every Friday. I'd be annoyed too. If its alternate weekends then its alternate Friday nights too.

If they are with you every other full weekend and every Friday night on the "off weekend" then I think it's reasonable to suggest a night during the week instead. The child's mother gets every Friday night and every other full weekend to make plans. It works both ways, I would be suggesting a Wednesday or Thursday instead of the Friday. Or alternate the Friday and a Thursday etc. it's not unreasonable to want a weekend without children; the mother gets it; why shouldn't the dad 🤷🏻‍♀️

Depends why it's every Friday, if it's because she works yabu, if it's because she has a specific activity on a Friday night eg choir practice yabu if it's because she likes going drinking with her dp or friends then you have a point, though surely can be dealt with by amicably changing specific weekends so you can go away

if it's because she works yabu, if it's because she has a specific activity on a Friday night eg choir practice yabu if it's because she likes going drinking with her dp or friends then you have a point

what mum does when her child isn't with her is up to her. You don't get to police her activities just because you're the child's step mum. This is, presumably, a long-standing arrangement. It is reasonable that your partner takes your views into account but it's also reasonable that an existing arrangement stands. Bit of a rock and a hard place really. All you can do is discuss with your partner and put your point of view across. You need to be prepared for him to disagree. Is there a middle ground, perhaps?

If you do not have family or friends in the area who would sit for you.on an occasional weekend, why not just hire a sitter. Surely you must have known his custodial arrangement when you were dating him. It is not the ex's responsibility to facilitate a honeymoon period for her ex husband, but if they co- parent well together, she might not be adverse to the occasional change. Did you never go away on weekends when you were dating? If so, how did you manage that?

is not the ex's responsibility to facilitate a honeymoon period for her ex husband,

No but I'd expect it to be discussed so thay if the ex husband wanted to change after years of the same arrangement it could be considered.

If my DH had gone out every single Friday for years and left me with DC then I'd expect to be able to discuss possibily changing the routine so that I could go out every other Friday. It shouldn't matter why the routine is changing as long as it isn't an unfair impact on the children.

A reasonable plan might be for the wife to.make occasional weekend plans of her own. Her husband can then decide if joining in these plans matters to him at all.if joining her matters to him, he will find a solution. If not, she has taken control of her own time.

@Tattler2

A reasonable plan might be for the wife to.make occasional weekend plans of her own. Her husband can then decide if joining in these plans matters to him at all.if joining her matters to him, he will find a solution. If not, she has taken control of her own time.

This is not a reasonable plan. She's not going to plan a romantic meal out in the hopes her husband might decide to join.

Unless there's someone else she could take I guess

It’s only a reasonable plan if you live in the weirdly detached world that tattler describes in every post where couples should have no obligations to one another and operate almost completely independently without thinking about anything beyond what they want.

@BadlyFormedQuestion

It’s only a reasonable plan if you live in the weirdly detached world that tattler describes in every post where couples should have no obligations to one another and operate almost completely independently without thinking about anything beyond what they want.

Also only reasonable if you have a friend who will go to things that you pay for in advance person with you and who also would be happy being dropped at the last minute if the husband decides he can go.

YANBU

@KylieKoKo
If you are a mature adult and you do not want to be available every weekend to spend time ,with your step children then you can make plans on your own to be unavailable.

It is a different issue if you are saying that your husband seems to have no need or desire to spend the occasional romantic weekend alone with you.

That is not a step child or ex problem. That is an issue within your relationship such that the relationship is not creating that need within him.

Men and women find ways to do the things that matter to them. Maybe the question should be " why in a new marriage does he not have a need to spend occasional alone time with you?"

You are identifying a symptom that may not be at all related to your problem. . if he did not make time for weekend trips when you were dating, why would you expect him to be interested in doing that now.if he did make time when you were dating, it should be easy enough to replicate that plans and strategies that worked when you were dating.

Sometimes, the magic is just gone and that has absolutely nothing to do with the presence or absence of children or the ex. Sometimes, it is actually the chemistry between the 2 adults.

If you are a mature adult and you do not want to be available every weekend to spend time ,with your step children then you can make plans on your own to be unavailable

@Tattler2
Of course, I do this. However the op wants some weekends with her husband so it's not really going to help her.
Our arrangement with child contact has always had loads of flex to accommodate our plans and their mum's plans. Now the children are teens it also accomodates their plans.

I don't think having a rigid schedule that cannot be changed would have been good good for any of us.

@KylieKoKo
I am not disagreeing with you. I think that flexibility is important in any situation, and I understand that the OP wants alone with her husband.

My point is that maybe the husband has as much alone time with the OP as he feels the need to have. Finding an occasional sitter ( even overnight sitters) is what parents do in both step and nuclear family situations.

The OP is blaming the child , the existing schedule, and possibly the other parent for her inability to have a romantic weekend get away, and to be honest it seems like the real issue is that her husband does not share that need. If he felt the need for alone time with the OP he would probably find a way to make it happen.

It may be that they are at very different stages in the relationship but no one seems to be acknowledging that this is even a possibility. It is so much easier to blame external factors than to look closely at the relationship between the couple.

I would imagine that if the OP's husband wanted to go on a fishing trip or a golf weekend, he would probably make it happen. Perhaps couples counseling might help them identify the nature and reason for the disconnect.

What age is the child? It’s very important to consider their age, activities, friendships, etc, to ensure there is a ballast, a security about their fitting in. The last thing you want is a child who discerns at any level that they feel unwanted or insecure about arrangements. This is a conversation for the two parents to agree well in advance so everyone knows and embraces any calendar changes and works positively for the child.

If the DH arranged a baby sitter he'd probably get an earfull for not spending time with his kids.

And anyway the sensible thing to do should he want to go out when it's his turn to live with the kids is to ask their other parent and give them "first refusal."

@SarahDippity I agree, routine is so important so they know which home they are in when.

If the DH arranged a baby sitter he'd probably get an earfull for not spending time with his kids.

Where is the evidence for this?

I think DH can easily solve this by either approaching it with the child's mother and suggesting some flexibility or a change to the schedule. Maybe he doesn't want to though?