gender critical stepparenting

[hulahoopqueen]

Disclaimer: this isn't a question about the specifics of a child being gender fluid, it's a question about how I'm acting as a stepparent. @MNHQ, please do not move this thread to another board, as it's advice from stepparents specifically that I'm seeking.

I've been in my DSS's life since he was around one year old.
Me and DH have a reasonably civil relationship with DSSMum.
Recently, DSS (just turned 4) has been telling us frequently that he is a girl. DSSM has been telling DH that DSS has been reporting that "hulahoop says I'm not a girl". She has apparently been telling him that it doesn't matter what his anatomy is (though in child-appropriate terms - I am avoiding using these on here for various reasons) - in DSSM's opinion, if DSS wants to be a girl, he can be a girl.

The reason he has told his mum that I've said he's not a girl is because of the following things I have said. (When he does something good and we say "good boy" for example, he would reply "no, I'm a girl". We have tried to steer clear of "good boy" in light of this, and try to use phrases like "good job", and "great work" instead, but sometimes it slips out.)
My responses would usually be:
"if you say so darling"
"haha you're so funny!"
or general deflectory replies.

DSSM has been fully fanning the flames, as it were, and has bought him dresses etc to wear out and about and to nursery, and has been letting his hair grow long. I do not have any issues with either of these - his hair looks gorgeous long, and I don't care whether people wear skirts or trousers (besides which he's not my son, and even if I didn't agree with these choices, I wouldn't expect my preferences to be taken into account - it absolutely wouldn't be my place).

What troubles me is that he does not seem to be being allowed to enjoy these things while being classed as a boy - if he's wearing a dress and growing his hair, apparently this is fine as long as he wants to call himself a girl.

DSSM has recently stepped up the requests for me/DH to go along with this recently, and neither me nor (far more importantly) DH agree with it. What can we do to support DSS and help him to understand that enjoying feminine traits or style does not mean he needs to be a girl? I'm worried that in his youth/teen years he will start to reject the idea that he is a boy/man based on the encouragement received (and the clothes/hair/toys he enjoys) at the age of 4.

Like I say, I believe what I believe and I'm not asking for comment on that.
What I am asking for is the experiences of or advice from anyone who may have experienced anything similar in a stepparent role, and advice on how to assist my DH in supporting DSS in his time with us.

He's 4 so I would just completely ignore the entire thing and don't engage with his mum over it. Pretty sure my DS wanted to be a knight/dinosaur at that age. His mum sounds bloody annoying not"letting"him be a boy with long hair etc but would just not rise to the bait.

haha @Chewieboora exactly - he was telling us over the weekend that he wants to be a dog. "oh, for halloween? what a lovely idea!" no - he meant he wanted to be an actual dog. "I want to sleep in the garden in a dog house like clifford."

Use gender neutral language and let them choose their clothing etc.

Don't engage in the I'm a boy/I'm a girl debate. Just don't acknowledge the gender at all.

Or do you think that their mother is forcing them to believe they're a girl? Because if so I'd actually consider speaking to the NSPCC or another childrens charity

OP think you've had a name change fail there.

It sounds to me like you've been doing the right thing. You simply can't get involved. DH most certainly can abd depending on what his ex is doing he, might have to very strongly.

thank you @daretodenim :) while I'm not planning to advise DH in how to proceed on this, what would you do in this situation?

@girlmom21 thank you for your reply, he has a variety of clothes in loads of colours (including pinks/purples) and a dress that he can choose to wear if he wants, so definitely we have options for him in that regard. We're making every effort to use gender neutral encouragements as well, though like I say, it can slip out sometimes.

I don't believe she does it maliciously at all. I think she's doing her level best to support him in what he enjoys, though I am worried she goes slightly overboard in the encouragement. I don't believe he understands truly what it actually is to be either male or female at the age of 4, which is why we're going with the neutral options rather than going all the way to the other side.

She doesn’t get a say in how you and DP parent him on your own house provided you aren’t being abusive. So just stop engaging with her.

I don't believe she does it maliciously at all. I think she's doing her level best to support him in what he enjoys, though I am worried she goes slightly overboard in the encouragement. I don't believe he understands truly what it actually is to be either male or female at the age of 4, which is why we're going with the neutral options rather than going all the way to the other side.

The thing is @hulahoopqueen, she believes that she is doing the right thing and you believe she isn't. In this case the mother's belief trumps the step mother's. A harsh truth of step parenting is that ultimately your beliefs and opinions on child raising are irrelevant because the child is not yours.

I think you need to take a bit of a step back here - it doesn't sound like your SC is in immediate danger.

@hulahoopqueen

haha *@Chewieboora* exactly - he was telling us over the weekend that he wants to be a dog. "oh, for halloween? what a lovely idea!" no - he meant he wanted to be an actual dog. "I want to sleep in the garden in a dog house like clifford."

I remember being a cat sometimes when I was kid. It was quite fun!

@Ozanj my worry is that if we ever had to go to court, that DH/me "restricting" him in wanting to be referred to/addressed as a girl is going to be an issue - I know in schools now they are letting children choose their pronouns and preferred names, and am concerned that this would go against DH if he was petitioning for extra time with DSS (who is currently with us about 35% of the time).

I think you're doing the right things - work hard on the gender neutral language, provide options for clothes, be non-committal. Also make sure DH actively works against gender stereotypes - if the kid wants to play dollies and tea parties, DH needs to join in.

But that all said, DH really does need to speak to the DMum, away from the DSS and you, calmly and rationally about the long-term approach to this.

Maybe just have male role model examples in ‘non traditional’ roles (balled dancers, chefs etc), ditto women in ‘men’s roles’ (firefighters, truck drivers, pilots etc) - in stories, magazines etc. Leave it at that.

@KylieKoKo I would never argue that my stepparenting should be seen as equal to his mum's parenting - she is generally a fantastic parent to him.
I'm worried that I am being unkind or unreasonable in replying as I have been when he outright tells us he is a girl. That's what I want to hear people's thoughts on really.
Also, yes re. animals in childhood - I spent many happy summer afternoons being a horse. No shade here!

Honestly OP I think you are over thinking this. He's 4. I don't think there's any need to be fearful of how he will view his sex.

He's 4.

The Court aren't interested in his views until he's at least 8.

The Judge will be aware of his mother and father disagreeing over things otherwise they wouldn't be in Court.

@NoYOUbekind thank you - that is definitely something I know DH wants to do, in terms of finding out her long term plans for this. DSS and I have taken time to find DH some lovely floral and pink tshirts so he and DSS can "match"

@KittenKong love that idea, thank you!

@shylatte thank you :) I'm very conscious I don't want to damage his views on it long-term, but still want him to think for himself rather than being encouraged one way or the other.

@RedMarauder thank you, that's very comforting. And an excellent point, come to that.

I'm worried that I am being unkind or unreasonable in replying as I have been when he outright tells us he is a girl.

"Yes dear. Would you like me to do..."

@RedMarauder totally. Have been trying to brush off. "OK sweetie. What I asked was, what do you want with your fishfingers" for example.

OP in regards to your SS's mother if she is trying to cause issues where there are none then cease having contact and communication with her. Only your husband should be communicating with her about their child. This means if your SS's mother starts saying things about you, as she has no communication with you there is no way it can be seen as true.

I’m sorry I don’t have experience to offer but it sounds like you’re doing a great job with him. Being a step mother is not an easy job. It sounds like he’s lucky to have you💐

@Goawaymorningsickeness thank you, that is a lovely thing to hear x

I'm worried that I am being unkind or unreasonable in replying as I have been when he outright tells us he is a girl. That's what I want to hear people's thoughts on really.

I think that for now you can just skirt around it but if this continues as he gets older then you will have to follow his parents lead. If they want to "affirm his gender" (I think that is the phrase) then you might need to put your own views to the side and respect his parents way of dealing with it.

Maybe you need to have a serious discussion with your DH about what happens if this is something your DSC continues to feel. If your DSC wants to use a new name and pronoun etc.

I think you are doing the right thing, given your DH agrees with you, but I would skirt around the issue and stay out of it as much as possible. In terms of wanting him to think for himself, I don't think there would be any harm in saying something like "boys can have long hair and wear dresses too", as this is a true statement I don't think anyone can reasonably dispute.