gender critical stepparenting

[hulahoopqueen]

Disclaimer: this isn't a question about the specifics of a child being gender fluid, it's a question about how I'm acting as a stepparent. @MNHQ, please do not move this thread to another board, as it's advice from stepparents specifically that I'm seeking.

I've been in my DSS's life since he was around one year old.
Me and DH have a reasonably civil relationship with DSSMum.
Recently, DSS (just turned 4) has been telling us frequently that he is a girl. DSSM has been telling DH that DSS has been reporting that "hulahoop says I'm not a girl". She has apparently been telling him that it doesn't matter what his anatomy is (though in child-appropriate terms - I am avoiding using these on here for various reasons) - in DSSM's opinion, if DSS wants to be a girl, he can be a girl.

The reason he has told his mum that I've said he's not a girl is because of the following things I have said. (When he does something good and we say "good boy" for example, he would reply "no, I'm a girl". We have tried to steer clear of "good boy" in light of this, and try to use phrases like "good job", and "great work" instead, but sometimes it slips out.)
My responses would usually be:
"if you say so darling"
"haha you're so funny!"
or general deflectory replies.

DSSM has been fully fanning the flames, as it were, and has bought him dresses etc to wear out and about and to nursery, and has been letting his hair grow long. I do not have any issues with either of these - his hair looks gorgeous long, and I don't care whether people wear skirts or trousers (besides which he's not my son, and even if I didn't agree with these choices, I wouldn't expect my preferences to be taken into account - it absolutely wouldn't be my place).

What troubles me is that he does not seem to be being allowed to enjoy these things while being classed as a boy - if he's wearing a dress and growing his hair, apparently this is fine as long as he wants to call himself a girl.

DSSM has recently stepped up the requests for me/DH to go along with this recently, and neither me nor (far more importantly) DH agree with it. What can we do to support DSS and help him to understand that enjoying feminine traits or style does not mean he needs to be a girl? I'm worried that in his youth/teen years he will start to reject the idea that he is a boy/man based on the encouragement received (and the clothes/hair/toys he enjoys) at the age of 4.

Like I say, I believe what I believe and I'm not asking for comment on that.
What I am asking for is the experiences of or advice from anyone who may have experienced anything similar in a stepparent role, and advice on how to assist my DH in supporting DSS in his time with us.

I want to sleep in the garden in a dog house like clifford."

The big red dog. I used to watch this DD when she was little.

It's one of those things or topics that so much gets looked at so much more because your part of a blended family but in a "typical 2.0 family" this would be something most parents would go, ok dear. And carry on. The same for teenagers acting like teenagers and wanting independence. This gets heavily worried about by all the parties when the simple answer is often the most rational.

It's a kid thing opposed to a SC thing to be openly concerned over. Don't heavily worry. Idk I wanted to be a tree as a kid (there's photos to prove this) and frankly I got bored after a week. Phases.

Don't engage with the ex. She is not part of your circus and frankly in a blended family you will have more than your average monkeys flying around.

Frankly OP, I think it's shocking that your SC came to you asking to sleep in a dog house down the garden and you didn't affirm this. 💁🏻‍♀️

I'd have my step children in that dog house faster than you could say "date night"

I think I'm obliged to point out this is all a joke.

I wouldn’t get involved or take any of it seriously at the age of four! If he was 14 then maybe but no way at four. I dont think he knows who he is or understands gender other than dress up so I would just stay as out of it as possible. x

DH can parent how he wants on his time. I guess it's a bit like if they had two different religions, the child would be bought up with both and understand that mum believes this but dad believes that but mum can't stop dad going to church on Sunday.