Step son not saying 'Hello' when he visits

[Nonose]

Does anyone else have this? Am I wrong to think it's rude not to say 'hello' to me in my own home?

@Mamaoflittleangels

I understand you! My ss does not say hello unless he is prompted. He lives with us, but he comes home from school and goes to his room and closes the door. It makes me uncomfortable. My kids (not my partners) come into the house say hello to everyone with kiss and cuddle.

I'm guessing your kids are quite young? They will stop that eventually trust me.

Yes it’s disrespectful, but it’s probably not worth trying to change it. It’s his little protest about an aspect of his life he has no control over. Trying to force the issue might mean he feels the need to be more openly hostile towards you which might lead to bigger family relationship issues than low level rudeness. Which would be a shame because as pp have said, it’s likely nothing personal towards you and more about his feelings towards his parents and his own identity and life. If he continues feeling this way he’ll probably drop all contact with you as soon as he can. Which might be a relief for everyone. He might stop feeling the need to be rude to you when other aspects of his life change - if he moves out for university for example. Sorry OP, probably not the answer you want to hear and it’s not fun having to put up with disrespect.

I’ve literally just posted about this my SC Refuses to say a word to me anymore and will just give me dirty looks

I have the same problem with SD15 OP. She's been like it since I've known her at 8 years old, so not a teenage thing.

You won't get anywhere unless DH pulls her up on it every single time. Mine doesn't. It's not great.

He definitely knew I was here and later he was walking the dog and just again, walked past me without saying 'hello' or even looking at me.

This game in general of who says hello is ridiculous I know what your saying. But it does sound as though there is a back story. I think you need to be the adult and just say it first.

If your SS didnt look at you perhaps he felt uncomfortable! Does he lack confidence?

Manners are taught from young.. so either your DH didn't raise him with any or there's a lot more to the story and you don't sound the friendliest OP.

Sound like my ex's kid. The child would come in my house and ignore me and my daughter. Talk to him and he would just look at us blankly. My ex refused to acknowledge it was rude or even strange that his child behaved like that. If the child done something wrong the dad would cover up for him then blame my daughter. Worst 3 years of my life! x

do you ever sit down and talk? or do something together?

Just to offer a different perspective, I remember when my older brother left for uni.. it was like I lost a part of me. I found it really hard at the time, everything changed and I didn't like it; took a lot of adjusting.

I also remember teenage boys being particularly prone to communicating through sulky silence, eye rolls and grunts. Much like a toddler rolling on the floor screaming I've always felt it's best to ignore that kind of behaviour and model the behaviour you'd like..

If he's always ignored you and / or behaved rudely then that's not ok and your DH should pull him up on it. I know my DD has not always been respectful to her SM, and it pisses me off as she's not allowed to be rude at home. The rules apply where-ever she goes, she doesn't have to love her or even like but she does have to be respectful to her in her own home.

@ViceLikeBlip

Don't forget he has had no say whatsoever about having you in his life, whereas you did have total say about having him in your life.

And how does that give him a free pass to be rude. He is a teenager, not visiting royalty and if someone was coming into MY home and being bloody ignorant I wouldn't be too pleased about it either.

Could his father visit him instead

Don't forget he has had no say whatsoever about having you in his life, whereas you did have total say about having him in your life.

And how does that give him a free pass to be rude. He is a teenager, not visiting royalty and if someone was coming into MY home and being bloody ignorant I wouldn't be too pleased about it either

It's more complex than rudeness though. If a young person is put into a situation by their parent and they are uncomfortable/unhappy what can they do? Refuse to visit, get angry or just go silent??

I completely understand why it's horrible for the Op, no one doubts that BUT is his behaviour acting out as result of the situation?

Op, as you say, your DH needs to handle the situation. He can force his son to say hello to you but will that just mask the situation?? My advice - focus your thoughts on your DH, it's his job and it may help you lose resentment toward SS. If he goes to Uni, you have 2 years left of his behaviour.

From my experience, often children are put in step family situations at younger ages and as they get older they start to vent their hostility (maybe the change of dynamic with older brother has brought it to a head). When they hit teen years the rebellion appears.

It's a tricky balance, what is normal teen behaviour that needs correcting vs teen behaviour as a result of the situation that needs care?? I think in most cases the Dad has zero skills (and motivation) to handle any of the scenarios so step mum ends up feeling resentful.

I think generally there is too little awareness of how difficult step parenting is vs the rewards. I've been there and wouldn't do it again!

I actually know my grandson likes me a lot. But he's 16, and, over the last year I've probably had six grunts and a couple of 'Uhs' which can mean 'yes' or 'hello' according to context. Real communication would be nice but it's not always available to 16 year old boys.

Step-children should perhaps go the extra mile, though.But on the whole, I wouldn't sweat it.

Step-children should perhaps go the extra mile, though.But on the whole, I wouldn't sweat it

I think the opposite. They already have the awkwardness of having 2 houses and having to adapt to different house rules so they need empathy and parenting.

All this hand wringing.

Saying hello/grunt/whatever noise can be formulated to any adult, is a basic manners. It's as simple as that. I can be a empathetic person and SM and also have standards i hold everyone too.
Being a step child doesn't exempt anyone from this rule regardless of if it's a child from a blended family or not.

If someone's rude to be as a adult, I avoid them. If they are consistently rude say in the work place it's to their detriment not to mine. They lose out, they feel the negative.

As adults we are supposed to be teaching them how to thrive in the real world, we don't say" it's ok little Jonny to whack someone you don't like because your a step child" because socially it's unacceptable. You might know why Jonny wants to whack people and say there's a reason for him doing that (hormones, bad day, can't be bothered) but it doesn't mean you let it continue.

This isn't high bar, people need to stop setting the bar so low on the floor because a kids a stepchild as it's detrimental to that child in later life.

You reap what you sow !

@Bideshi

I actually know my grandson likes me a lot. But he's 16, and, over the last year I've probably had six grunts and a couple of 'Uhs' which can mean 'yes' or 'hello' according to context. Real communication would be nice but it's not always available to 16 year old boys.

Step-children should perhaps go the extra mile, though.But on the whole, I wouldn't sweat it.

Can I ask why you think this about step children?