Step son not saying 'Hello' when he visits

[Nonose]

Does anyone else have this? Am I wrong to think it's rude not to say 'hello' to me in my own home?

Don't forget he has had no say whatsoever about having you in his life, whereas you did have total say about having him in your life.

It's only going to be an issue if you make it.

When he walks in just say hello A and if he ignores you the he is being rude but if you expect him to say hi first all the time you might wait for along time.

It's really rude and probably not personal but surely part of parenting is making rude teenagers engage politely. Not bothering and putting it down to being a teenager isn't doing them any favours in the the long run!

It is rude, but he is a teenager and might be in the middle of a teenage angst mood and not much to do with you. It's probably not worth making a fuss over - but I'd make a point of saying hello to him.

It is rude and i would be very hurt and angry at being treated this way. It would be even worse if my DH didn’t back me up! I wouldn’t let my DC act this way so why would I expect another’s DC to act this way towards me.

Just because you are a stepmum doesn’t mean it’s ok for kids to be horrible to you. Your DH needs to have your back with this. My SD used to ignore me and it really upset me. My DH would say to her did she not just hear me say hello? She’d then say hello. Honestly if he hadn’t have backed me up I don’t know if i could have endured it. I didn’t have any kids at this point either so it was just so alien a kid being so rude to me.

If you've had issues and he's the type to be shy in general, it could be that at that moment, he just couldn't bring himself to say hello. It might not be something that will happen always. My own son is painfully shy and after years of living with my DH still sometimes feels shy and pretends not to see him not to say hello. It's a difficult situation and I, as a mother, can not do anything about it. Actually, when I force him, it gets worse. To be honest, when I was a teen, I sometimes had trouble saying hello to my mom's husband, especially when I knew he expected it. Even my sociable SD with whom I have a good relationship sometimes forgets to say hello.

I would say that if it's sometimes that happened once, try not to take it personally. I know it's hard, but being shy myself and a mother of a shy teenager, I know that it's hard for them too.

He sounds like he has very poor manners. His dad should tell him to be more polite.

It is extremely rude of him not to say hello.

And extremely rude and undermining of your DH not to prompt him to do it, and to make a big deal out of it if he doesn't say it.

Hi, bye, please and thank you are absolutely non-negotiable for me, whoever you are, wherever you are, and pretty-much whatever age you are.

Saying hello is a social ice-breaker, an acknowledgement of the other person being there in the same space. If there's another conversation to be had later, especially a difficult one, it is immeasurably helpful to have said hello earlier.

One of the biggest complaints and causes of a breakdown of relationships in the workplace is people 'not even saying hello' to each other. The lad is nearly 16 FGS. Assuming no additional needs, this is a perfectly reasonable expectation to have.

I don't care if it's a tad uncomfortable for little darlings like this, they need to buck up and show some manners. And your DH needs to support you, in what is also your own home.

My husband’s daughter did this for about five years to me. I made drastic changes to my living arrangements so I never have to see her again whilst remaining married because although I loathe her, I love my husband. She’s 17.
I think it’s quite normal for SC to be rude to a SM unfortunately they are often encouraged by their mother. A totally hateful situation.

My son is 16 and barely speaks to my partner, he’s not keen on him and never has been because he’s not his dad. My partner just lets him be, he knows there’s a lot more going on. My son has very good manners generally. This isn’t really about teaching him manners.

felledoak the op’s dss isn’t autistic so that issue isn’t relevant in this case. Of course op at his age he knows it is normal to say hello, and is making a point to you. I had the same issue with my dh’s son at the same age. He doesn’t have to like you but yes, he absolutely has to show basic manners.

I told my dh if he didn’t sort it I wouldn’t be cooking for dss or doing anything else. Why the hell should I? This was, by the way, after doing everything I could to befriend him.

He is now an adult, only speaks to me of dh is present but that’s fine as he doesn’t live with any more thank goodness. I would get your dh to try and get ss to open up but if he refuses, it has to be made clear manners are not a choice and there will be consequences.

I read the title and thought "Bet he's a teenager"

Doesn't make it right, but not unusual.

I understand you! My ss does not say hello unless he is prompted. He lives with us, but he comes home from school and goes to his room and closes the door. It makes me uncomfortable. My kids (not my partners) come into the house say hello to everyone with kiss and cuddle.

Oh for goodness sake, just continue saying "hi" first. What is the big deal? You're the adult and you have to demonstrate the behaviour you want. Yes, even at 15.

You were being passive aggressive to remain silent and see if he said it first like some sort of point scoring that he's unaware of.

The lack of empathy and understanding of basic psychology always surprises me on these step parenting threads. As the dd of separated parents I can tell you now that your SC will most likely dislike you - even more so if they are teenagers. It's nothing personal but they are upset and angry that their parents are no longer together and they see you as an aggravating factor. It's not personal; you could be the nicest person in the world and they would still dislike you. As adults you need to try to be the bigger person and rise above this resentment - try to put yourself in their shoes. Forcing a teen to say hello will only make them feel more upset and powerless and make them resent you even more. Just be the adult here. As PPs have said, keep modelling the behaviour you expect of him and eventually he should come round.

I think it’s pretty poor form for any of the adults in these situations to target the child’s behaviour and characterise it as inadequate.

The adults have had control over this situation. Largely the children haven’t.

Teenagers can be surly. It’s the responsibility of parents to guide them through that and encourage good behaviour. You can mention this gently to your spouse, but if you get a bad reaction to that, consider if that is about your general attitude to the child in questions nd how you are coming across as well as potential guilt etc on the part of your spouse. If it’s the former you need to sort that out, if it’s the latter he needs to sort it out.

Very, very easy to be a bully about this and that is to be avoided. Also not good that you mention a “friend” criticising the behaviour of both your DSS. You shouldn’t be gossiping about children like that or tolerating your DSS being spoken about like that. You need to keep your side of the street clean even if you feel the child isn’t the best yet at keeping his pavement swept.

As he is 15 it is coming to the time he will be able to have a say over the nature of his relationship with the adults in his life.

I think personally adults should adult. It's our job to make sure they have basic manners. If you think asking for a simple hello from a 16 is to much and your going to damage them psychologically for enforcing that then you need to give your head a wobble.

However teenagers are surely creatures and will do this a lot. You can enforce this without sending them to the chokey is all I'm saying.

@OldWivesTale you're projecting your feelings saying that. I am also a child of divorce, my dad actually abandoned me and put me into care at 13/14 when he married again. My dss likes me, he doesn't see me in the way of his parents getting together. He still had to be taught to say hi, bye, please and thank you. He wasn't taught basic manners, his family system is/was different to mine. Learning to say hi to people when you go in to a house will help him in the future. It's basic manners and when you have manners you get further in life. A parents job is to help their dc become happy adults, part of that is learning manners imo.

The lack of empathy and understanding of basic psychology always surprises me on these step parenting threads.

This is ironic @OldWivesTale as your post is completely devoid of empathy for the OP and seems to lack understanding of the basic psychology behind why being consistently ignored by someone in your own home would be distressing.

@KylieKoKo

The lack of empathy and understanding of basic psychology always surprises me on these step parenting threads.

This is ironic @OldWivesTale as your post is completely devoid of empathy for the OP and seems to lack understanding of the basic psychology behind why being consistently ignored by someone in your own home would be distressing.

Totally agree

This isn't about your DSS sharing his innermost thoughts with you, or dissecting his feelings about his separated parents, or setting out his hopes and dreams for the future.

This is just about him saying hi, bye, please and thank you. It's disrespectful not to do that. I would expect that of my own children, any stepchildren, any visiting children or young people, unless there are special needs or something very hurried or distressing going on to do this.

If DSS is genuinely struggling with saying hello to OP, then her DH needs to discuss it with him to find out why, and help him to be better at it.

Saying hello is one of the most basic conventions of human behaviour and it's important for him as a lifeskill that he feels comfortable doing it.

Mine never acknowledges me, funnily enough I stopped acknowledging him and DH was very quick to pull me up on it. Treating the symptoms not the cause springs to mind.

My actual son behaved like this at 16. All I used to get was a grunt if I was lucky. He is lovely now.

So you're moaning that he didn't say hello to you, but you didn't say hello to him either