Step son not saying 'Hello' when he visits

[Nonose]

Does anyone else have this? Am I wrong to think it's rude not to say 'hello' to me in my own home?

The house that your husband provides for his son is the home that he shares with his father. The fact that he also shares a home with his mom does not make the house that he shares with dad any less his home.

It sounds as though his home with dad may be not a very welcoming or relaxing type of environment, and it may be that without his older brother as a buffer that he is feeling less than welcomed.

Will your relationship be anymore enhanced by his grunting a forced "hello" to you?

You may be creating an issue over something that is not going to make your life even better by one iota and may end up creating friction between you and your husband.

Well it is bad manners, although some teenagers can be a bit iffy, if they are feeling grumpy or annoyed about something or other, and they think they can behave just as they like., not very helpful I know, but have witnessed this myself.

Well he should say hello but it is the boys home as well as yours and your DH. They should feel welcome as it is their second home. Teenagers are notoriously grumpy, so it may not be just towards you.

If he is going to be that rude as to deliberately ignoring you in your own home he can stay elsewhere. I would not have people over who would treat me with such disrespect.
And your husband needs a talking to. He should have your back, otherwise what's the point of a partnership.

DSS is almost 13 and usually I have to say hi first, if he's come into the house and I am already here. He doesn't ignore me, he's just pretty self obsessed (as they are at that age!) but I always give him a big enthusiastic hi! (And his baby sister usually dives on him). I don't think he is being deliberately rude, and it would be awkward if I made a big deal and told him off for not saying hi, instead I just do it enthusiastically and he gets the point.
Sometimes I think it's hard for them to move between houses end he has to reset when he is here. It's different though for him, as he is here half the time and about to move in full time, and handover is after school so I am the one who picks him up usually and he does say hi when he gets in the car (although I usually say it first but that is just the natural order). So this is as much his home as it is mine - he isn't ever 'visiting'. He does have a lot of behavioural issues, but this one I think is really just standard self absorbed teenage stuff that you have to slowly teach them the error of, rather than anything bigger or deliberately rude.

Be the bigger person OP, and just say hi to him. It’s hard being a teenager and it’s hard being a child of separated parents. You chose this situation, he didn’t. Model the behaviour you’d like to see, so a warm friendly hi, and try to take a relaxed interest in him without putting pressure on him. Also he might be missing his brother at both homes. Can dad organise a zoom meet/game/quiz with brother sometime?

[quote Nonose]@Feelingofftoday It is my home. And my husbands home? The boys do not live here and as much as we want them to feel comfortable, they are probably more comfortable in their own 'home' where they live majority time with their mum? If anyone came into my home and ignored me, I would not like it. I'm not controlling, I just don't like bad manners.[/quote]
Can he not just come for a visit as opposed to staying over if he's happier at his mums? Or could he and Dh meet up for an activity/dinner a couple of times a week instead of him coming to stay. I'd give him the option. At his age it must be a pain having to go from one house to the other when he probably prefers spending time with friends like most teens. He's old enough now to make a decision as to where he wants to stay so let him decide, as long as his mum is happy too.

Are bame op? Greeting people would be the norm to me. Not doing so would be incredibly rude and wouldn't be acceptable.

Go ahead force him to say 'hi' in YOUR house...then wait for the relationship to get even worse.
Or just continue to say 'hi' first (set a good example) and remember he is probably upset and uncomfortable in your house as it is. Maybe work on being more welcoming rather than pointing out his flaws. He'll mature at some point.
I always feel so sorry for these kids- behaviour is a form of communication and him not saying hello is probably him showing how much he feels stressed/unwelcome. Maybe his father is saying let it go because he can see that?

For what it's worth my son is younger and probably wouldn't say hello either - he is autistic (although most people wouldn't know). It's not him being rude - he is just really uncomfortable. Telling him it's rude won't help him be less autistic and he should feel relaxed in his home so I won't force it.

My dss used to do this. He felt very conflicted going from his mums to mine. Dh noticed it and taught him to say hi and bye. My dcs manners have also rubbed off of him so now he even says thanks. He didn't not say hi because he was feeling rude, he was feeling awkward - but awkwardness isn't a reason to not say hi or bye and if he doesn't get taught by his parents to say hi and bye then who will teach him.

It's not personal OP but it is something he needs to learn.

Bad manners are the least of your problems. It sounds like he really doesn’t like you.

he is 16 and on the cusp of adulthood and has no basic manners.

very very rude & disrespectful.
and your SHnot defending him is both terrible parenting and terrible partnership.

I'm sorry OP. your DH made his statement so your turn.
You need to tell this boy that you expect him to say hello, goodbye and thanks, something most 3 year old are capable of doing.

OP has said he is 15.

I'd leave him be. He might come round in time if you leave it.
My DD won't talk to my family when we go to stay. She's pretty much mute.

He’s 15. Have you seen Kevin and Perry?

My lovely, chatty charming boys did devolve somewhat at that age towards grunting Neanderthals, especially when first up in the (afternoon) morning. It was a phase. A bright and cherry “hello to you too, sweetheart” had them roll their eyes and say good morning.

I really wouldn’t read too much into it.

Just had a chat with my DH about it. I think sometimes, the way my DH responds to the situation makes things worse. If my daughter ignored my DH I would say something to her, I certainly wouldn't defend bad behaviour. Also, as a bit of back story - it's not just me. A friend of ours recently mentioned to me that they thought both of my ss's were rude when they didn't acknowledge him. And aren't we supposed to be teaching teenagers what is and isn't acceptable?

Thanks for all the messages. I've taken on board what everyone has said. A lot of it made me think.

I have to say though that some people (the few) are quite mean in the delivery of their opinion. I just feel like step-parenting is a mine field and we are all on here to encourage each other and help each other through this, surely? I'm not sure why people feel the need to lash out at someone they don't know? Just my opinion.

@2bazookas your comment about showering made me laugh!! :-)

DH is not enforcing basic manners because of guilt. This kid needs a massive wake up call. YANBU at all.

@Feelingofftoday

So what? He probably doesn't like you. Leave the poor kid alone

You sound pretty controlling and uptight.

It's telling that you say 'in my own home'

Maybe he picks up on you being territorial and not particularly welcoming?

So what is that it is OPs house and she shouldn't feel unwelcome in kit and if my child acted like this there's no way I would stand for it and as a parent I would be pulling my DD up on it.

Or are you allowed to be rude to someone just because they are step parent. Your post is pretty telling about yourself tbh.

I used to wonder how rude adults became this way. It's by when they were kids not being taught manners by adults and went into adult life thinking this was acceptable.

This isn't a step child issue so much as a child issue that needs to be addressed.

If it's his fathers home, isn't it his home even if he doesn't live there 100% of the time? That's how I always viewed it when parents split up but you don't seem to think it's his home.

I would just say to him, it would be nice if you said hello when you enter the room, like you would anywhere else. It's common decency + manners.

YANBU - a ‘hello’ is the most basic level of manners. To not acknowledge you is disrespectful and you shouldn’t have to deal with that in your home.

@Nonose unfortunately on this board it tends to visited a lot by people who aren't step parents and often chirp in because they have issues with the fundamentals of blended families and seem to live in a lalala land of step children are basically Demi gods and anyone that challenges this stays quo is a evil stepmother. Usually because they have never actually had to experience the other side and perspective is everything when one side is expecting you to be apologetic for being part of a blended family.

That said this isn't a problem specific to step children and it's more a DH problem and a problem faced by mums over with teenagers.

One of our house rules is everyone says hello/bye/grunt and is kind to each other. It is a hill I will die on for all the child and adults of our family home. I have had this conversation with DH in the past and said it's basic manners (both with my DD and DSD ) and the rule is applied equally. If my DD didn't say hello DH would be hurt, why would I expect anything less from him in terms of parenting.

Manners cost nothing and I refuse to accept rudeness from children or adults unless there's a dammed good reason.

My DSD isn't neotypical and she knows right from wrong and knows what manners are, if she can do it any child can.

I think it's very rude. Hope your Dh has a word with him.

He probably doesn't like you. Not a crime. There's nothing worse than being pushed to be fake nice to someone you don't like. Going out of his way to actually say rude things to you would be another matter, but just being a bit surly and introverted- let it go.

My son is 15 and ignores me.
If he were my stepson id just ignore him

If you do that, i imagine the atmosphere might get worse. He mightnt like that. Yourvh might notice. If your h speaks to you you can tell him that you already tried to raise this.