Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Step parenting

34 replies

Tinkxx · 24/10/2021 20:23

So I've been with my partner a year now, he has a 4 year old boy from a previous relationship. We live an hour apart & he sees his son every other weekend. I also only see my partner on weekends (3/4) I see his son once a month due to my work schedule. I struggle with finding a balance when I'm there and he is.. I find I'm sort of a third wheel & of course he just wants daddy, he sleeps in the same room as us so I get no time with just my partner. It also hasn't helped with lockdowns etc. It's only recently from me asking that he's gotten him his own bed so we aren't playing 3 in a bed!
His ex is also in contact with him a lot about money and wanting something. Is it normal to struggle for a while with accepting a child that isn't yours? I love my partner to bits & want a family with him. Just want to know if any other 'step parents' have felt like this & how do I deal with it?
He's naughty and disobedient sometimes but I don't feel I have any power to tell him off or not to do something.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2021 21:09

It’s natural for it take a while to get used to having an unrelated child in your life, of course it is. And the dating part, which you’re doing, is how you decide if it’s something you can accept. You haven’t spent much time with his son so you won’t know him well. It’s absolutely not your job to discipline him. He barely knows you, he only sees his dad twice a month and he’s 4. Do you know many 4 year olds?

Dating someone with a child isn’t for everyone. It’s probably not for a lot of people. And that’s okay.

If you want to stay with him then communicate how you’re feeling and discuss your expectations, and his. They may be compatible, they may not.

It’s early days, you shouldn’t be parenting him at this stage but you should be feeling involved if that’s what you want. You’re a guest in his dad’s home, he won’t want you doing bath and bedtime but he might want to play with you, read with you, chat about school or whatever he’s into.

Pandaly · 24/10/2021 21:20

If you only see him once a month I'd not try to do any disciplining unless he's hitting you. You will be a bit of a third wheel with that infrequent contact as you are the outsider. As you develop a shared history it will get easier.

Pandaly · 24/10/2021 21:21

I mean you've only spent about 12 weekends with him at the most? Is that right?

Original poster
Tinkxx · 24/10/2021 21:53

Probably not even that, I also have no interest in disciplining him as its not my place. I just wanted to know really if it was normal to feel like the outsider.. and not just be being a drama queen lol

OP posts:
Pandaly · 24/10/2021 21:54

Perfectly normal at this stage, you are the outsider

Original poster
Tinkxx · 24/10/2021 21:56

Thank you.
Yeah im committed to it & I know it will take time. I think my partner just assumes I'll find it easy, im only 27 and haven't planned on having kids for a few more years. Yeah we do play, obviously 4 year olds aren't very chatty about school or things. I plan days out with him, he's only just started school so I brought him a lunch bag with his name on so I'm trying, but just feel like my partner thinks I should try more but then says it's not my responsibility.. so I was just a bit stuck of if what I'm feeling is normal or I'm in just a horrible person :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkxx · 24/10/2021 21:57

Thank you, when I've said this to my partner he has just said 'you're not' I don't think he quite understands how difficult it is coming into that situation.

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 24/10/2021 22:00

@Tinkxx

Probably not even that, I also have no interest in disciplining him as its not my place. I just wanted to know really if it was normal to feel like the outsider.. and not just be being a drama queen lol
Yes, feeling like the outsider is par for the course, sadly. It's a more intense version of bf still friendly with ex and seeing all their joint friends! It would be worth you reading some books on stepparenting and seeing whether you're up for it.
Snugglemuffin · 24/10/2021 22:00

You are NOT a horrible person and what more does your partner want you to do, realistically? You've only really just met his ds and you're:

  1. sharing a bedroom with him
  2. planning days out with him
  3. playing with him
  4. trying to adjust to having him in your life

You're 27 and childless. You've only just met this child. Your partner is not being realistic.

Pandaly · 24/10/2021 22:01

But it would be weird if all of a sudden you weren't an "outsider". As long as the other times you're seeing boyfriend it's all fine I'd give it a bit more time. Don't overthink things. There can't be many days you are in contact to have to plan a day out, I'd let dad do that and you tag along.

Pandaly · 24/10/2021 22:03

Take the pressure off yourself whether that's from him or yourself. Just go with things and see what happens organically.

steppingout · 24/10/2021 22:06

Someone mentioned reading above - I found the book Stepmonster helpful when I was in the early stages of step parenting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2021 22:11

He needs to be clearer about what he thinks and wants. He’s saying too little and expecting too much and inconsistently. He needs to listen openly to what you think and need.

Does he want more children?

Are you discussing moving in together?

Are you 100% sure you want life with a step child? They’re pretty cute at 4. Much more complicated years lie ahead. And having children with someone who’s already had one isn’t easy.

What’s your relationship like outside of his son?

Original poster
Tinkxx · 24/10/2021 22:22

@AnneLovesGilbert

He needs to be clearer about what he thinks and wants. He’s saying too little and expecting too much and inconsistently. He needs to listen openly to what you think and need.

Does he want more children?

Are you discussing moving in together?

Are you 100% sure you want life with a step child? They’re pretty cute at 4. Much more complicated years lie ahead. And having children with someone who’s already had one isn’t easy.

What’s your relationship like outside of his son?

Yeah he wants more children (I'm a little sad it'll be just me experiencing it for the first time, but it is what it is) & wants to move out with me. I'm thinking that when he gets older he will be more independent and have his own room etc. Relationship if otherwise perfect, which is what makes me want it to work with his son..
OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkxx · 24/10/2021 22:22

@steppingout

Someone mentioned reading above - I found the book Stepmonster helpful when I was in the early stages of step parenting.
Yes I think I will need to invest in this and read it.. did you find anything improved over the years?
OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkxx · 24/10/2021 22:24

Yep otherwise perfect, just the lack of time together but working full time, studying & living an hour apart makes it difficult.
I know, just thought it would of been a nice day to bond, it's a Christmas day thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkxx · 24/10/2021 22:28

@Snugglemuffin

You are NOT a horrible person and what more does your partner want you to do, realistically? You've only really just met his ds and you're:
  1. sharing a bedroom with him
  2. planning days out with him
  3. playing with him
  4. trying to adjust to having him in your life

You're 27 and childless. You've only just met this child. Your partner is not being realistic.

Thank you, I appreciate that. I know, I think because he isn't in the situation & claims to understand but doesn't.. when I'm actually open and honest about struggling he sort of says that I knew what I signed up for.. so makes me feel a little bad for feeling that way!
OP posts:
Cloverforever · 24/10/2021 22:29

Why is a 4 year old sleeping in his dad's bedroom? This is not the norm.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/10/2021 22:40

@Cloverforever

Why is a 4 year old sleeping in his dad's bedroom? This is not the norm.
Oh please, let’s not do this again. Are you on all the many other threads in the last week slagging off cosleeping and room sharing?

This very young child sees his dad twice a month. It’s perfectly normal and healthy for them to sleep in the same room.

Pandaly · 24/10/2021 22:55

@Cloverforever

Why is a 4 year old sleeping in his dad's bedroom? This is not the norm.
Because space presumably. Or the kid wants to. Don't start criticising a perfectly valid sleeping arrangement.
Original poster
Tinkxx · 24/10/2021 23:07

If he had the choice he would have his own room, but it's not his house. When we move in together he will have his own room :)

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 25/10/2021 00:23

If I am honest I would have been very very wary if my husband saw his kids so little. Four days a month is nothing. What’s the plan for increasing contact as his son gets older?

It’s true that as a step parent you don’t really know what you’re getting into, but the one thing you do get to see up close in advance is what kind of parent your partner is.

Also right now it’s not really surprising your relationship feels perfect - you see each other for a few weekends a month and it’s only been a year. You’re surely a long way from even moving in together and years away from having a child.

I’d be thinking really carefully about getting any deeper into this.

Newwifeatnumber10 · 25/10/2021 05:32

I was in a similar position at the start of my ‘step parenting’ journey although the children were older. They treated me as an outsider and I was the third wheel. I hoped things would change and I’d be more accepted but never was. My advice to you would be to leave and find a man with no kids. You’re only young and it’s a lot to take on. I wish I’d left at the first red flag (or even the second or third) but I always hoped things would get better.

Pandaly · 25/10/2021 06:42

I'd wait at least another year or so before making plans to move in together. It has to go at the child's pace really.

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/10/2021 07:34

You need to think hard about what you want for you. To me there are a few warning lights flickering that would be good to take heed of.

  1. People have differing views on co-sleeping, but it is surely a little odd to expect your 4 yr old to share a bed with an unfamiliar girlfriend? Fuzzy boundaries. So make sure the subject of boundaries comes up soon and gets a very thorough airing. One thing is definitely essential for stepfamilies - the ability to know your boundaries very clearly, communicate them and hold them.

  2. Communication with the ex and money. Again, boundaries. His time, her time. And

  3. Money. How will this new relationship be financed? Are they waiting for a divorce? If so, don't buy together until all the legalities are complete. Think hard about how much of your hard-earned you want to plough into providing a nice home for his family. Especially if you want your own children. If you end up working fulltime, with your child in a nursery, so that the ex can be a stay at home mum - how would you feel?

  4. How many bedrooms? Early days, but this tends to be a big deal. Your partner and his ex will want his child to have his own room, and, very likely, will expect it to be the best room, all to himself! So, if you have a choice of accommodation, think carefully about what you'd want for any children you give birth to.