Step parenting

[Tinkxx]

So I've been with my partner a year now, he has a 4 year old boy from a previous relationship. We live an hour apart & he sees his son every other weekend. I also only see my partner on weekends (3/4) I see his son once a month due to my work schedule. I struggle with finding a balance when I'm there and he is.. I find I'm sort of a third wheel & of course he just wants daddy, he sleeps in the same room as us so I get no time with just my partner. It also hasn't helped with lockdowns etc. It's only recently from me asking that he's gotten him his own bed so we aren't playing 3 in a bed!
His ex is also in contact with him a lot about money and wanting something. Is it normal to struggle for a while with accepting a child that isn't yours? I love my partner to bits & want a family with him. Just want to know if any other 'step parents' have felt like this & how do I deal with it?
He's naughty and disobedient sometimes but I don't feel I have any power to tell him off or not to do something.
Thanks in advance!

OK, I'm going to be rather blunt here as there are some red flags flying high.

You have been seeing this guy for a year. He has a young child who he sees just every other weekend. Is that it? And in fact, the child only gets to spend one weekend per month on his own with his dad. Does your bf/dp spend any time with his son during the week. School drop offs, pick ups? Or is it all on the mum?

I would suggest that you take a very good look at how this man is as a parent. If you do have children together and split up, he is showing you right now what you can expect. Think very, very carefully about this.

Oh and the sharing a bed with an unfamiliar gf would be a big No from me. Another red flag.

This is 100% normal!!

It took me a couple of years to really fit into the step-mum role and feeling comfortable to "parent" my DSD whilst she is visiting.

Your partner will also need to get used to all the different things that need to be considered. His son, your feelings, good communication with the ex etc.

My advice - when you feel you are struggling, just try to keep your distance. I used to go for days out with my mum so I had a lovely day and they had the space and time together. Just give it time and have all the space you need.

• you need to have your own space in the house for when it gets a bit overwhelming. I could always just go and relax in our bedroom and leave them to it if I felt a bit awkward or third wheel.

• pick your battles!!! If you don't agree with something regarding SC, ex or the parenting then it's easier to turn a blind eye rather than get involved when it isn't asked. It is a lot easier when you just think "isn't my place" and move on from it

We are married and have our own DC now and I have a great relationship with DSD. It can all work out ok, just takes time!

@Newwifeatnumber10

I was in a similar position at the start of my ‘step parenting’ journey although the children were older. They treated me as an outsider and I was the third wheel. I hoped things would change and I’d be more accepted but never was. My advice to you would be to leave and find a man with no kids. You’re only young and it’s a lot to take on. I wish I’d left at the first red flag (or even the second or third) but I always hoped things would get better.

Hear hear!

I'm still the outsider after 20 years and now excluded from her child as well.

I'm finding this one difficult to call because of the lack of detail.

I certainly struggled with it all in the early days, but I wouldn't say I felt like an outsider. I'm wary of saying this is par for the course as others have here, because it might not be! Can you describe an average day when he's there? What is your partner like towards you?

Anyone saying "you signed up for this" rather than empathising with your situation is a red flag to me, your partner sounds at best naive about what step parenting is like.

I would recommend you read Becoming a Stepfamily by Patricia Papernow (a psychologist). It's old, so you'd need to find a 2nd hand copy, but she has captured the experience of the childless stepparent in detail with her extensive research.

It's also a very painful read, so be prepared with a box of tissues at hand - she does not pull any punches. But - if you can push yourself through it - she has a method and techniques to overcome the problems.

Naturally, she has her unconscious bias, and it is pretty much that the incoming stepparent is the one to make most of the sacrifices. (She dwells mostly on the case where the children are under 10ish.)

Other institutions have a different take. There is an American religious view that the stepparents are King and Queen - and the children their subjects. That pans out in a different way!

I'm sorry to say but as a 27 year old I would tell you to find someone without children. You have plenty of men in your own age group - up to 5 years in either direction - who are childless, nurturing and aren't inconsiderate.

You probably think that because he already has a child he is nurturing but by the little you have written in your posts this is clearly not the case.

Your boyfriend -

1. Can't be bothered to parent his child properly. If he did he wouldn't need a girlfriend to tell him to get a bed for a 4 year old child. (Single beds are really easy to get.)
2. Hasn't sorted out money issues with his ex. She shouldn't be contacting him all the time for money he should be giving her agreed amount to cover his share of their child's costs.
3. He has issues with boundaries with his ex, his son and you. His ex shouldn't be messaging him all the time and he should make it clear that you can tell his son off when appropriate.

Also you shouldn't be with someone with a child where the child makes you uncomfortable around them after you have seen them a couple of times. Children can sense when adults don't feel comfortable around them and play up.

Thanks everyone for your responses, my post is about me and myself as a step parent not about what kind of father my partner is as there is a whole bigger picture to take into account on the times he sees him so I'd rather people didn't comment on that bit.

Hi op, there are a couple of things going on it sounds like. First you haven't been a mum yet, so you don't know how 4 year old behave, how innocent they're and being disobedient is absolutely normal. Cosleeping is a parental choice, many cultures and schools of thought encourage it, whereas some people will be dead against it. I wouldn't bring it up with my dp as they don't see each other often and it's maybe their way of getting close and bring a normal family. Also your partner may be feeling guilty, getting to grips with the situation and might react you disproportionately. Second is subconsciously you might be thinking the child's behaviour is not normal or irritating not only cos you have no parenting experience but also you might be having a reaction to the "outsider" in your relationship and all that it reminds you (his ex for example). While feeling that way is normal and we're all human in the end, don't associate that feeling with the child, he's completely innocent and has no idea of what's going on. Step relations are complicated... Ask yourself if you are OK for having a sc for years to come.