Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Does DP fight or give in?

34 replies

TwoDots · 24/10/2021 10:51

I have posted a lot in the past about DP ex. Last post was about her not really liking structure and routines and the general advice was to go to court.

So here we are now, DP and his ex are going through formal mediation, but she’s thrown some curveballs.

Quick backstory.

Ex isn’t the most settled person and her life is a bit on a whim. Often changes boyfriends, jobs, SD9 has moved house with her mum 6 times since I’ve been on the scene which is almost 6 years. I get that life happens which is fine, but there’s often not much proper thought and consideration and things are very spontaneous. Hence not liking routines etc

18 months ago the ex decided to move in with her boyfriend of 6 months which isn’t unusual. She’s done it before so quickly. This was after only living at a house for 6 months and SD was devastated as according to her “her mum promised no more moves”. The issue my DP had with this move was because it was a move to the other side of the county and SD was going to remain in her current school which was a motorway journey away and takes 45 mins with morning traffic etc. SD was really angry and upset at the time but is better now. I think we both felt this was a huge move for someone she’d only been seeing for 6 months.

Anyway, the ex mentioned she would like SD to go to secondary school in the new town but will keep her in current primary school for now. She’s currently in year 5. The ex discussed this with SD before DP, which has not only upset DP but SD does not want to go to school in the town her mum lives in. Not because of her mum, she just hates the location where she lives.

DP and I deliberately moved house 2.5 years ago to be within walking distance of her current primary school and 2 very good secondary schools where most of her friends will be going. By reputation these schools are better than the secondary school the mum wants her to go to, but I appreciate a school us only as good as the child being happy there etc. we have a 50/50 week in week off arrangement.

During mediation, the ex announced she wants full custody of SD and wants to move her into the local primary school there asap. Her main motivation is so she has friends there.

I fully appreciate this will mean less travelling for SD, but there is a huge chunk of her life she will need to sacrifice (current friends, a lot of time with her dad etc), and above all SD does not want to go to school there.

We are prepared to fight it but is it really worth it? If it goes to court will a judge always sway towards a mother? I can see they would think one home and less travelling for SD is better, but I can’t imagine they will give custody to a dad?

Fwiw he’s always done to bulk of school events, doctor, dentist, haircut etc. the mum us a bit of a Disney mum

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 24/10/2021 14:17

From what you've said I can't imagine why they would just hand the poor child over to a shambles of a mother. The only stability in her life seems to come from her father. Please don't give up on her now.

Viviennemary · 24/10/2021 14:24

I think there is a chance you would get custody given the situation you describe. Unstable home life, boyfriends moving in and out, multiple house moves. But you have to be prepared to play tough. Especially if it's what the child wants too.

VimFuego101 · 24/10/2021 14:26

What does SD want? At her age, her wishes will be given some weight too.

girlmom21 · 24/10/2021 14:31

Fight her in court, but consider the fact that in 2 years (less than) she's going to move schools anyway.

itsgettingwierd · 24/10/2021 14:31

It would be very unusual for a judge to change a 50/50 contact order to full custody and EOW etc just because one parent decides that's what they want.

Just present the evidence. All appointments he's attended and dates, all school events he's attended and dates.
All house moves etc.

SD can give her opinion to someone independent which will be taken into account.

The school can be part of the order but it'll need to be done on what's best for SD living and parenting wise rather on how good you think a school is.

If your DP wants fuller custody he will need to be prepared to fight it. But I think it'll be better to try and keep current 50/50 and agree the minor details.

Original poster
TwoDots · 24/10/2021 14:37

Thank you for the input.

We are more than happy to keep the 50/50 and SD really wants to go to secondary school here. It’s literally a 5 minute walk from our house and where all her friends will go. Do you think 50/50 is still fair as the child gets older and one parent lives a commute away meaning transport to school? Tbf that’s what she (SD) does now but the mum is going to argue that all the travel is not good for her (didn’t stop her moving and doing it for the past 18 months though did it?)

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 24/10/2021 14:43

That's what you point out. She will always have to travel whatever school she attends.

And she wants the one near dads house - and this is about her!

Original poster
TwoDots · 24/10/2021 14:59

Dp suggested hat the two of them and SD look around all potential schools together. Ex laughed that off and said it’s ridiculous that she would even get a say at her age 🙄

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 24/10/2021 15:11

50/50 is in her best interests if it's what she's always had. It's not fair on her or her dad (or you of course!) to limit that contact when it's what the rest of you all still want.

Mom will lose out here.

Original poster
TwoDots · 24/10/2021 15:18

Can a judge decide where she should go to school?

OP posts:
candlelightsatdawn · 24/10/2021 15:22

@TwoDots yes op a judge can indeed decide where the child goes to school abs also which parent the child resides.

Your DSD being nine will also mean her opinion will be taken int account. It will be a fight but I wouldn't necessarily think that mum will win by default.

Original poster
TwoDots · 24/10/2021 15:28

It’s so hard. There’s not really a compromise with this 🥲

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 24/10/2021 16:38

It's worth fighting.

Make sure your DP maintains the 50/50 even if she changes schools. (Though I would put in a prohibition steps order if his ex tries it.)

With the back log in the Courts it may take until she is 11 before the case is heard. Which is even better for having her views heard.

Blackpoolilluminati0ns · 24/10/2021 16:56

I would warn you that there is a very long wait for hearings, we have a final hearing listed in May for next year, that's after being in the family court for nearly 3 years.
I wouldn't advise going through it, its all very well you saying "we're prepared to fight" but let me tell you it's a very long, very expensive and very arduous road and if your husband can avoid it, then he should.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 24/10/2021 18:08

@Blackpoolilluminati0ns

I would warn you that there is a very long wait for hearings, we have a final hearing listed in May for next year, that's after being in the family court for nearly 3 years. I wouldn't advise going through it, its all very well you saying "we're prepared to fight" but let me tell you it's a very long, very expensive and very arduous road and if your husband can avoid it, then he should.
All this is good for the Op’s partner and her dsd though. Every day that goes by the dsd gets older and her view will become more and more important. Without a court order the status quo can’t be changed so dsd can’t be forced to change schools. Op - your dh needs to make sure that the current school is aware that she doesn’t give permission for dsd to change schools.
Fdksyihfd · 24/10/2021 18:19

I appreciate what has been said about court and the time lines but I think in your situation that is what you need to do do your DSDs best interests. What’s to stop her mum moving again and your DSD being stuck in a school far away . The courts can just make the decision on schooling so if you think it’s too far to go for full residence with you you could just do that. Based on what you’ve said about the lack of stability with her mum though I think you’d have a good chance

KatySun · 24/10/2021 18:26

I agree with Blackpool that if you can settle this without going to court, then do so. Court is expensive and stressful.
Also does DD wish full residency with you? There is a difference between not wanting to go to a school and not wanting to stay half the time with her mum anymore.

Pinkspecs · 24/10/2021 18:29

I don't know about what could be the outcome but I hope you would be able to still carry on at least 50/50 if not full custody she doesn't sound like she has her child's best interests and she doesn't have stability with her.
Sounds really stressful OP.
You sound like a really good step parent who has her best interests at heart.
I hope it works out.

Original poster
TwoDots · 24/10/2021 18:50

Thanks for the replies. I probably haven’t explained myself very well. We (DP & I) are of the opinion that SD should carry on having equal time with both parents as that’s all she has known. We don’t want to go for full custody as that’s taking her away from her mum and despite how she is, SD loves her dearly. Our concern is a judge will think it’s unfair on SD to have to travel so far to school and so will award an every other weekend type agreement to protect her from that.

Also, as another poster said, we do fear how long this will last. Is she going to want to move her again in a few years. The ex’s life is in this town too. All her friends are here etc. her current bloke works 6 days a week, is rarely home and the ex is in this small village, WFH, no friends etc. she’s literally moved everything to be with this man, who ironically doesn’t work too far from this town. I just can’t see it lasting

OP posts:
sassbott · 24/10/2021 19:46

So just to confirm, there is no court order in place at the moment?

Original poster
TwoDots · 24/10/2021 19:48

@sassbott not currently

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 24/10/2021 19:53

I would honestly not go to court if i were your husband, it will take years.

sassbott · 24/10/2021 19:54

And the existing 50/50 has been in place for how long?

Wallywobbles · 24/10/2021 20:43

It's definitely worth seeing a lawyer and getting some proper advice. All areas are not equal in terms of waiting times.

Also I suspect that if her mum gets legal advice she'll be in for a shock and will probably revise her plans.

Don't fail without trying. As she get older her friends will become increasingly important. Are you really ready to move again? And what's to stop mum moving even further away?

I'd get some proper goal posts in place.

Original poster
TwoDots · 26/10/2021 10:39

Thank you all. You’ve been so helpful

@sassbott the current 50/50 has been in place since the start of this year. Before that, it was in and off 50/50 as the ex was always changing her mind. The least we’ve had her is a 46/54 split. My DP has never been an every other weekend dad.

The first year after the split by DP had SD more than the ex, but unofficially (she liked to go away with her ex boyfriend a lot)

The point is, he’s always been a very hands on dad. Done majority of haircuts, eye and dentist appointments, never missed a parents eve and been to waaaay more school events eg sports day than the ex. The ex has never been to a sports day

OP posts: