Does DP fight or give in?

[TwoDots]

I have posted a lot in the past about DP ex. Last post was about her not really liking structure and routines and the general advice was to go to court.

So here we are now, DP and his ex are going through formal mediation, but she’s thrown some curveballs.

Quick backstory.

Ex isn’t the most settled person and her life is a bit on a whim. Often changes boyfriends, jobs, SD9 has moved house with her mum 6 times since I’ve been on the scene which is almost 6 years. I get that life happens which is fine, but there’s often not much proper thought and consideration and things are very spontaneous. Hence not liking routines etc

18 months ago the ex decided to move in with her boyfriend of 6 months which isn’t unusual. She’s done it before so quickly. This was after only living at a house for 6 months and SD was devastated as according to her “her mum promised no more moves”. The issue my DP had with this move was because it was a move to the other side of the county and SD was going to remain in her current school which was a motorway journey away and takes 45 mins with morning traffic etc. SD was really angry and upset at the time but is better now. I think we both felt this was a huge move for someone she’d only been seeing for 6 months.

Anyway, the ex mentioned she would like SD to go to secondary school in the new town but will keep her in current primary school for now. She’s currently in year 5. The ex discussed this with SD before DP, which has not only upset DP but SD does not want to go to school in the town her mum lives in. Not because of her mum, she just hates the location where she lives.

DP and I deliberately moved house 2.5 years ago to be within walking distance of her current primary school and 2 very good secondary schools where most of her friends will be going. By reputation these schools are better than the secondary school the mum wants her to go to, but I appreciate a school us only as good as the child being happy there etc. we have a 50/50 week in week off arrangement.

During mediation, the ex announced she wants full custody of SD and wants to move her into the local primary school there asap. Her main motivation is so she has friends there.

I fully appreciate this will mean less travelling for SD, but there is a huge chunk of her life she will need to sacrifice (current friends, a lot of time with her dad etc), and above all SD does not want to go to school there.

We are prepared to fight it but is it really worth it? If it goes to court will a judge always sway towards a mother? I can see they would think one home and less travelling for SD is better, but I can’t imagine they will give custody to a dad?

Fwiw he’s always done to bulk of school events, doctor, dentist, haircut etc. the mum us a bit of a Disney mum

I don't know much about it, but would ex agree to a formal mediation? Cheaper than court, both sides can air their views and issues and maybe an agreement can be hammered out that is, ok, maybe not legally binding, but may carry some weight.

@BarbieCampervan they are currently going through formal mediation and one of them is going to have to give in essentially

Ok. So to summarise?

50/50 (or something close) has been in place for years. The ex moved away and now wishes to go for primary custody and move the child into the local primary where she lives so that the transition (essentially) to the local secondary there is easier.

To be honest, there is no compromise here, certainly not in my view.

The mother is not only trying to revoke an agreement that has worked just fine and implement primary custody but also move the child away (when she said she wouldn’t). I presume you have the latter in writing as proof?

Your DH would be mad to agree this. But what I think the ex is trying get (if this is a negotiation) is the move agreed and she’ll probably agree on the 50/50 remaining in place. Only difference being that you now have the commute to collect/ drop off vs her.

If I was a betting person, that would be my view on this.

Can courts decide on this? Yes. Issues like schools/ medical treatment where parents cannot decide can be ruled on in court.

What I would honestly do (in your shoes) is have a very honest and serious conversation with the child. State what the choices are and ask her what it is her honest preference is.
Then you would have to explain that she needs to be able to have this conversation with other independent grown ups and does she feel able to do so?

If this goes to court, she will be interviewed and the judge will put a lot of onus on what the child says they want. She’s very close to the age where court orders can start to become problematic.

The court route is not easy. It can be expensive (don’t listen to what people say that you can self apply, on important matters not getting representation can very much hamper your chances in court). It is stressful (especially to the child) and not to be taken lightly.

The other part I’m not clear on is how much you are using the school to help you. Schools (given they are completely independent) also get given a lot of weight by cafcass / courts. Your DH should be having meetings with the form teacher/ deputy/ headteacher (all dependent on how big current primary is) and explaining the situation.

If the child is happy and settled no primary school will be recommending a move this close to a secondary school transition (especially after so much disruption during covid). Ask for the meetig to be documented and all language used focusses on the best interests of the child.

Personally I would fight this and categorically not allow my child to be moved. I would also contact LA / school in question where the ex lives and find out what they would tell you In the event she tries to insitigate a move. He need to tell them he has PR and does not agree with his child moving schools. Put as much of this in writing as possible, all of it can be admissible in court should you go that route.

Good luck

I your partner's situation, I would speak to an attorney who is familiar with Court rulings in your particular jurisdiction. That will provide you with the best indicator of likely outcomes.

Your description of the daughter does not seem to be describing a child who has been negatively impacted by her mom's scatty behavior.

Given the mom's history, it seems that all of her plans could easily change before the matter was actually on calendar before the Court.

@Tattler2 for any lawyer to advise with any level of knowledge, it would be a paid engagement. They would need background and ask a lot of questions.

Unless the Op is willing to lay, the lawyer route is not helpful at this stage, it will just cost money. Many of us on here (assuming OP is in the Uk) have spent 10’s of thousands and know how it works.

The most important parts right now are
A) talking to existing school and getting a meeting on record with the father stating his concerns that any move at this stage is not in the child’s best interests. If the school agrees, it’s a huge win
B) Talking to the school that the ex is trying to move the child to and proving that the father has PR and will not agree to a move
C) talk to the child and surface their views. And be open to the fact that the child may possibly be saying one thing to the mother and one thing to the father. If this reaches the court, the child will be interviewed by Cafcass. What they say will add immense weight. And as sad as it is, the child’s views need to be surfaced now (even though they shouldn’t have to make these sorts of choices at such a young age).

Ultimately the Op’s DH needs to be doing all of this in tandem with mediation. At some point if mediation fails, a form will be issued that the OP’s DH can then use to issue a court application and at that stage a lawyer is helpful.

Family courts are notoriously grey here and solicitors unhelpful. Sometimes DA barristers are much better bang for the buck as they are the ones in family court day in Day out

@sassbott I wholeheartedly agree. I know SM’s shouldn’t get too involved but I’ve had to help DP a bit with this and I’ve suggested SD should be spoken with properly and given all the options. DP has mentioned this is mediation as he feels SD life has been pulled around a lot and she should get a bit of a say on how her life looks. The ex shit this down immediately but I think it’s because she knows deep down that SD wants to stay as they are. In my mind, if the ex is so concerned about SD having long commutes, she shouldn’t have moved out there in the first place or she works her life around SD. The only reason she wants to stay where she is is because it’s a “nice village” and it’s near her bf parents. She suggests these parents should be a bigger part of SD life than her dad and his family. Bonkers, in truth, it’s just all round easier for the ex to move SD entire life rather than her own.

@Tattler2 my thoughts exactly. My biggest concern is that the ex will have another life plan in a couple of years, and then what? At least with me and DP she has complete consistency.

SD school and friends are the only real consistent things in her life. Why tip her away from that too?!

I’ll advise DP to get in touch with the school

Thanks

If this goes to court the ex will not be able to shut anything down, the judge will want the child’s wishes to be heard.

No court will care about a fairly recent new boyfriends parents. Over and above what is in the child’s best interests. The paramount relationships are the parents, especially given how involved your DH has been on school events/ sports days.

The ex can throw her weight and wishes around in mediation all she wishes. Family court is a very different ball game.

I think a Court is likely to see a well adjusted child ( in spite of what has been a fairly disruptive home like in terms of movement. Given what on the surface appears to be a happy and well adjusted child, the Court is not likely to take a dim view of either parent.

In the states , schools are reluctant to become involved in litigation between parents unless their are serious issues related to safety or adjustment. I would imagine that the school is observing a relatively happy and well adjusted child and would have no reason to weigh in on issues that may exist between the parents but to date have not impacted the child's behavior or performance in the school.

Few children ever feel a need or desire to move away from that which is familiar. However, most children adjust to moves without any major difficulties.

In this case , there would seem to be 2 issues impacting any decisions that a Court make make: 1. Has either parent done anything that has had a negative impact on the child? ( the answer would appear to be no-the child seems to be well adjusted and comfortable in speaking up in both households) , and 2 would the proposed change have any serious impact on the child? ( hard to say, particularly if the change is made at a juncture when kids typically change schools anyway,,- the real inconvenience is likely to be experienced by the parents rather than the child- a child expressing a desire to remain in the same school is not necessarily a child expressing a desire to change her living arrangement)

No easy or predictable answers in this situation. Both parents appear to be loving parents who in spite of lifestyle differences have managed to produce a happy and secure child. I would think that a Court would like long and hard at the outcome to date in making a ruling of any kind.

The OP and her partner have done well and nothing suggests that the mother, in spite of her scattiness does not love and want a good life for her child. Again, I would not assume that a Court would rule in any particular way in this case.

Obviously, the ability to be flexible is going to be required by all the parties involved. The child is fortunate in that she seems capable of relatively easy adaptation, and in spite of differences in households,she seems to be loved in both homes

@Tattler2 if two parents cannot agree on a school move then the court will categorically rule. They don’t like it and they prefer the parents go away and figure it out. But if the parents cannot, then a court will make a decision.

In terms of the move the mother is expecting, it is hugely disruptive. To move a child’s primary school and then a year later move secondary? It is unnecessary and not In the child’s best interests of the child is happy and settled. In the fathers shoes I would fight this tooth and nail.

If the compromise is made at secondary so be it, but that juncture is not now. Not just because the mother has suddenly decided it should be so.