Deliberate exclusion of dad from school life.

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

DSD came home with her dad today to spend half the holiday with him. She was star of the week at school today, and had been given the class bear to spend the half term with her. They are asked to take photographs of the bear joining in whatever you are doing, and send them in (she is in reception).
She was upset as she hadn't brought the bear with her because "mummy said no". DP (and me) placated her, and empathised at her feelings. We came up with an idea that daddy would draw the bear for her (this is his special skill ) and she could take her pictures with her drawing and we would write a story of how the bear had an adventure without her and sent her his picture instead for her to take out.
The bigger question is why would mummy say no? Well, why exactly? This is just another thing in a long line of things to make sure DP has nothing to do with any aspect of her schooling. She would be absolutely furious at the idea of DP sending in pictures of her and the bear. But it isn't about her feelings, it's about poor dsd who just wants to enjoy time with both her parents.
She has refused to allow DP to collect her from school on the one occasion so far he has been able to (today, his half term started 2 days earlier, so he would have been able to collect her - he's a primary teacher). The court order allows for this, as holiday contact is stipulated as the moment school finishes for a holiday. But she point blank refused. So he had to go and collect her over an hour later. No other option.
When he rang the school last year shortly after she started nursery, she kicked off massively. He rang to speak to the nursery teacher as he wanted to be involved with her education. He asked about separate parents evening, being added to class dojo, letters sent home etc. Yet mum demanded that he never contact the school again. Anything to do with school he should speak to her about and that he should have no need to speak to them. Of course he ignored this ridiculous demand. If he has needed to communicate with them, he has. The reason she knew about the conversation was because the person who answered the phone to him when he rang and explained who he was and why he was calling went straight to her and told her (she had just started as a TA there).
She has never allowed a reading book home with her (they've had them since the end of nursery). So DP has not been able to add to her reading record as obviously that isn't allowed by mum either. So he just does his own books with her, but she wants her reading book, but says "mummy says no".
She has never allowed a picture to come home with for him, even though dsd tells him she drew him one.
Father's day she arrived for the weekend upset because the card she made him had been "given to grandad because he said he wanted it". Luckily she was able to tell me what the card was, and we made an identical one together to give to her dad.
In a recent section 7 report her teacher reported dsd is very reluctant to talk about dad in school, and will say she doesn't have a dad often when asked. The report basically concluded that dsd was feeling conflicted between parents, where one had either unintentionally or deliberately undermined the relationship with the other, and left dsd feeling unable to discuss her relationship with one parent, for being aware of the other parents views .
So, how can he protect dsd from the thoughts and feelings she is clearly having right now? She is just 4 years old, and this has been her whole life as her parents were never together. DP has spent 4 years having to go to court repeatedly in order to have time with her as her mum wants 100% control of their child.
I can't see a way that DP can protect her from this conflict, unless he was not to see her - which just isn't an option. Can anyone offer him advice? I'll pass all on to him.

FYI there is absolutely no reason for any of this behaviour. She dumped him when she got pregnant after they dated for 3 months, and has remained hostile ever since. I met him when dsd was around 6 months old. She was with a partner at the time and had been since dsd was 1 month old, she was calling her new partner daddy, and spent the first 2.5 years until they split up calling him "her real daddy". DP was very much surplus to requirements as far as her actions showed.

The DD is trying to bring her school life into to her dad’s house. As a child that went back and forth between homes myself, I understand how important it can be for kids to integrate their different spheres of existence, especially young kids. When you can’t, you’re cheated out of that sense of a big, interconnected community and life can feel fragmented and broken and it’s very isolating. The young girl is trying to integrate her different worlds. I like the idea of dad emailing things directly to the teacher and getting duplicate books. And ask lots and lots of questions about what happens in school! Sounds like you are working hard to do all of these things already. Keep trying, those connections are vital for this little girl! Can you take a drive by school every now and then for her to show you things, or go play or ride bikes in the school playground at weekends? Anything to connect her dad there in her mind, even just knowing dad also saw the pretty tree in the schoolyard, or the hopscotch grid her class drew this week on the pavement...those tiny familiarities are comforting and important.

RedMarauder

Lol. Cos you know my circumstances. Go away with you ‘people like you’ made up narrative. It’s a public forum and o can make whatever comments I like.

Some people really are mad.

@GirlWithAGuitar

It’s a public forum and o can make whatever comments I like.

I'm not getting into your previous debate but I wanted to pick up on one thing, no you can't you have to abide why TC of mums-net which is usually no curse words.

Morally however I take issue with that statement. People have forgotten Caroline flack and all the abuse she got online, whether that abuse was right or wrong (something I'm also not debating), that lead to this women taking her life. Words nasty words meant a women took her life, those people have blood on their hands but seem to ignore that because hey it's the internet.

Just because people feel entitled enough to say whatever they like online seems to give people the impression that there's not a actual person on the receiving end and because they can't see the hurt they cause people think it's ok to do whatever.

Some of the comments on this board can get particularly vile, because of the nature of the board not because the Op has done anything horrific because "people can say what they like" . Some posters including @RedMarauder and myself are frankly bored with it.

The Op doesn't seem vulnerable here but I will say that just because it's the internet it doesn't give anyone license to be horrific to another human being morally.

TC of mums-net which is usually no curse words.

Swearing is fine on MN.

But otherwise, yes. People need to actually think about the OP as a person rather than just broadcast their opinion willynilly.

And in stepparent life, pragmatism is invaluable. If the SC’s mum is a pain in the arse, all the hand wringing in the world won’t change the situation. All you can do is change how you act to try to mitigate the issues.

I'm not getting into your previous debate but I wanted to pick up on one thing, no you can't you have to abide why TC of mums-net which is usually no curse words.

You’ll notice that the PP jumped on my post for some reason even though I said nothing bad and I was just showing sympathy to OP and feeling sorry for the child, because I’ve had a similar situation in my family and know how hard it is. That poster was shitty to me. So maybe keep your be kind stuff to that poster. I g tv bi k she needs telling before she randomly attacks my innocent comments again.

HTH, have a good day.

*Maybe she needs telling.....

@GirlWithAGuitar I read with what previous poster said and your comments .

Your original comment came across like ok but what can any adult (inclusive of the mother do about that) and heck maybe you didn't mean to excuse the mum from causing this problem but it certainly sounded like you were. That can get peoples backs up because it's not a matter that nothing can be done it's one of those things, it's a matter of the mum can do something (aka not act like a nut) and not purposely poison her own child. At best there was no advice, just a oh well type approach, that's not helpful. If this situation was reversed and the dad was doing this, people would be crucifying him rather than going ah but what you gonna do.

That aside I posted what I said because you said you can say whatever you like on the internet because it's a public forum and I disagree with that. I simply stated just because people have the ability to post something like that doesn't mean they should. For someone who states I can say whatever I like on the internet, you seem to take umbridge with people doing that in return which is what the PP did to you.

It's the internet people aren't always gonna agree, words can be taken multiple ways, but I think that's what happened here, maybe a simple miscommunication. What your intentions were on the previous comment wasn't and still isn't clear. Doubling down on your right to be heard and say what you like doesn't seem like the route of deescalate. However kindness always is.

I hope you have a lovely evening 💐

Your original comment came across like ok but what can any adult (inclusive of the mother do about that) and heck maybe you didn't mean to excuse the mum from causing this problem but it certainly sounded like you were.

What????? My comment put all of the blame on this ‘mother’. I said she’s damaging her child and needs to realise. What I wanted to say was this mother is a cunt....but you’ll now moan and say I can’t say that. It doesn’t change that’s what she is though.

She’s a disgusting person. She doesn’t deserve kids in my opinion. You’ve completely misinterpreted my comments. Whatever, if you knew me, you’d know I have no time for shit parenting and people using their kids against each other.

Now, please leave me alone.

I have no particular advice to offer only to say that women who behave like this child's mother - and I know a few of them - are fucking appalling. I can't understand how no one else in their life like a parent, sibling, long time friend etc doesnt ever challenge or call them out on it either. When my ex husband and I seperated I had people I respected occasionally play devils advocate and pull me up on things if they thought I was being unfair (hasten to add nothing on this scale.) And it gave me pause. If a child or sister of mine acted so against their own childs interests or so unfairly towards someone else I would certainly say my piece.

@GirlWithAGuitar. I read your first comment and I understood what you were saying. Your heart is definitely in the right place for the little girl.

Unreasonabubble

Thanks.

Still not sure how my comment could possibly have come across as defending the mum in any way and I won’t be wasting any time trying to work it out. 😅