13yo boy... normal hygiene??

[crabette]

Not sure whether to post this in step-parenting or parenting, but I'm the SM in this case so going for here!

The issue I have is that 13yo DSS regularly leaves the bathroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. (He also pees all over the toilet 🙄 but I can at least clean that myself!)

We have lived together since DSS was 9, and I have obviously put up with this for a long while, though it's now driving me completely insane - particularly through COVID - but also as I'm currently pregnant and obviously concerned about hand hygiene with a newborn, whom I know DSS is expecting to be allowed to pick up, play with, etc. (Behaviour I'd want to encourage as much as possible if I wasn't so grossed out by his toilet hygiene!!)

Just when I think we're making progress and he starts to "remember" (purely through me listening for him going to the toilet and sending him back in whenever I don't hear the flush and water running!!) he goes back to his DM's, and then all progress is lost as I assume she doesn't bother correcting him. Grandparents on DH's side don't bother either, as he's still "only 13" 🤷🏻‍♀️

My question is - is this normal for a 13yo boy? DH thinks I'm being hard on him as he's "just a typical boy", and thinks I'd be a bit more understanding if it was our child and I wasn't the SM. I concede I'm not a parent yet, but I feel like children learn proper toilet hygiene long before their teenage years? And I'm sure I'll be losing my shit (excuse the pun!) at my own child for not mastering this by 13 - to me it's sheer laziness and indifference rather than lack of understanding or awareness.

But, I don't know how to sort it out without overstepping on the parenting. I have tried gentle reminders. sending him back in each time, outright nagging, and explaining how seriously ill this could make his baby brother or sister (whom he's super excited about).

Would I be unreasonable now to start removing privileges anytime I catch him doing this? Like removal of phone for 30 mins, wifi off, etc? I'm not sure what else would work.

Or, am I being completely unreasonable / harsh, given his age? I'd probably be more reassured if I thought this was typical behaviour for that age that he'll at some point grow out of without me being the bathroom police!!!

My 13 year old DSS would be horrified at this! Not normal!

10 year old used to forget to flush but now rarely forgets. And we never have drips on seats.

Show your partner this thread OP.

On the other hand -
Flooding bathroom floor with every shower - yep
Using tissues then leaving them on communal surfaces - yep. I called this one out and DP said "oh half of those are me!" well that explains that gross habit then. Bloody hell.

Absolutely never touch his piss again. His parent can deal with it, the parent thinks it’s fine so it won’t be an issue when you call him to sort it, every time.

This might be okay - just - if he was 3. I can't imagine 13 years of cleaning urine off the toilet seat. He can absolutely lift the seat. If his aim is no good he sits down. Get your husband to clean up if DSS doesn't.

I don't know what's wrong with your husband's family if they think this is normal behaviour for a 13 year old. My husband was one of three boys and I can guarantee that his parents would never have put up with this kind of grubby behaviour and my husband wouldn't have put with our two sons doing it either ever - once they were old enough to use the loo they were old enough to flush it. Even children who are not neurotypical can do this.

And him wandering the house with unwashed hands is just gross. Google the list of things that can be spread with lack of handwashing which includes norovirus, the common cold, influenza, chicken pox and meningitis. Explain to him about the risks to everybody's health. You don't want a walking biomedical hazard in a house with a newborn.

Get his dad to send him back in the clean up.

Do not take his phone away or do something humiliating and public like that.

Just tell his dad to sort this out.

And never EVER clean it yourself.

I mean never clean up after him!

My toddler is potty training and flushes and washes his hands.

It’s nobody else’s job to clean up someone else’s bodily fluids!

I find it strange how your DH will 'support your nagging". Hes happy to allow you to parent his child.

I'm my house that would cause nothing but bad feeling from everyone's perspective.