13yo boy... normal hygiene??

[crabette]

Not sure whether to post this in step-parenting or parenting, but I'm the SM in this case so going for here!

The issue I have is that 13yo DSS regularly leaves the bathroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. (He also pees all over the toilet 🙄 but I can at least clean that myself!)

We have lived together since DSS was 9, and I have obviously put up with this for a long while, though it's now driving me completely insane - particularly through COVID - but also as I'm currently pregnant and obviously concerned about hand hygiene with a newborn, whom I know DSS is expecting to be allowed to pick up, play with, etc. (Behaviour I'd want to encourage as much as possible if I wasn't so grossed out by his toilet hygiene!!)

Just when I think we're making progress and he starts to "remember" (purely through me listening for him going to the toilet and sending him back in whenever I don't hear the flush and water running!!) he goes back to his DM's, and then all progress is lost as I assume she doesn't bother correcting him. Grandparents on DH's side don't bother either, as he's still "only 13" 🤷🏻‍♀️

My question is - is this normal for a 13yo boy? DH thinks I'm being hard on him as he's "just a typical boy", and thinks I'd be a bit more understanding if it was our child and I wasn't the SM. I concede I'm not a parent yet, but I feel like children learn proper toilet hygiene long before their teenage years? And I'm sure I'll be losing my shit (excuse the pun!) at my own child for not mastering this by 13 - to me it's sheer laziness and indifference rather than lack of understanding or awareness.

But, I don't know how to sort it out without overstepping on the parenting. I have tried gentle reminders. sending him back in each time, outright nagging, and explaining how seriously ill this could make his baby brother or sister (whom he's super excited about).

Would I be unreasonable now to start removing privileges anytime I catch him doing this? Like removal of phone for 30 mins, wifi off, etc? I'm not sure what else would work.

Or, am I being completely unreasonable / harsh, given his age? I'd probably be more reassured if I thought this was typical behaviour for that age that he'll at some point grow out of without me being the bathroom police!!!

Not normal and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! His Dad needs to sort this out. My DS is 19 now but has been drilled from an early age to flush, clean the loo if needs be and wash hands- every time. If he leaves the loo in a state he is sent back in to sort it- do not clean up after him. A 13 yo should do this without asking! it is basic.

@mrsfollowill Thank you! Thought I was going insane or actually was a wicked evil stepmother 🙈 I actually get on really well with DSS, this is just the bane of my life though and I'm struggling now not to get angry about it! So I appreciate the validation ❤️

You are not overreacting! I'm a stepmom to a now 14yo. But it gives me the heabies! You go into the bathroom once he has been in and it looks like a hurricane has been in. Floor soaking, bath mats all over. Hand towel on the floor despite not flushing the loo or washing his hands. Toothpaste all over the mirror despite dry toothbrush...must take more effort to mess the place up than actually just have a pee and wash your hands. Actually bonkers!!

YADNBU.

At 13 he should know better. It’s basic hygiene. His Dad needs to sort this out now.

What's with these parents who do not teach their children about basic hygiene? There was a other thread where an 8 year old had tested positive for Covid, and the mom was annoyed with her partner for reminding the child several times to wash his hands.

Anyone who is old enough to be in school and sharing space wIth other people is old enough to know when and under what circumstances he should wash his hands.

If parents are indifferent to the well being of their t children that is poor decision making on their part, but to be willing to expose others to germs and bacteria because you are willing to have low standards and expectations of your own child is inexcusable.

All of mine from 6 year old to the 11 year old flush the toilet and wash their hands when they’ve used the toilet. And I would not be cleaning up pee off the toilet by the way, that’s disgusting.

At that age they are old enough to be sent back to clean the toilet every time you find it dirty. Eventually it will be annoying enough being disturbed from computer games/playing that they will ‘remember’ not to leave it gross.

There is nothing normal about this and it's absolutely fucking disgusting. Why on earth are you cleaning his piss off of the toilet? Totally unacceptable and your husband is useless. This is not "typical boy" behaviour.

It’s normal for my 13yr old with ASD who needs a high level support to do anything. However, my neurotypical 12yr old would never behave that way.

It’s really disgusting and not normal for a 13 yo at all. I bet if his friends found out he’d lose them. In your position I wouldn’t let him touch the newborn until your DH becomes serious about the handwashing.

I have a 13yo SS too and he is the same, you are right its about what happens at home with mum. Regardless, your house your rules. I make mine wash his hands when he comes in from playing and before dinner. If the toilets a mess after him he has to go back and clean it. Basic stuff here.

Im not sure about the punishment side depends what the setup is with you and dh on that but i would demand the hygiene.

Bottom line he is big enough to know better, expecting or not you don't want his germs everywhere. Filthy

Feel your pain

My dd is the same age. She often forgets to wash her hands when she walks through the door from school. Always washes them now when she goes to the loo, leaves it clean etc. When she was younger, I used to ask to smell them as she was lazy like a lot of kids and said she’d washed them when she hadn’t.

The only way to sort this is to tell your dss time to go back, check the loo is as he found it and he’s washed his hands. It’s a pity you didn’t instigate this immediately (but I get you wanted him on side) as it’s going to be far more difficult now at 13. Do it now. He will more likely tell you to eff off by the time he’s 14/15.

We went through similar. I've managed to get DSC to wash their hands before dinner and also I insisted they wash their hands before they played with LO. This seems to have helped and they now usually wash their hands after the loo now. If they've left something in the loo I just call out and say "can whoever didn't flush the loo come and flush it please" every time. Then try and leave it for a bit so they have time to do it without me being there.

It's a hassle but I'm fed up of being their toilet flusherer.

We had this in our house with DSS, to the point where he once suggested to me 'you might want to go and clean the toilet.' Erm no mate, that's your job if you've made a mess. DH put him right and now it doesn't happen very often. Your husband should be the one who is sorting this out, not you. 13 is well old enough to be doing this stuff.

I have two sons and have never had to clean the bathroom after them since they started school. They are grown up now. They are not the tidiest in other situations so not perfect but this is a total noHis dad needs to take action. What if he did this in a friend's house? Does he leave a mess in school? This could cause him to be bullied or lose friends . Would this motivate his Dad to give him a man to man. Is this some sort of battle line that has been drawn up between you and this boy as it is not regular at all.
Even in school as a teacher l am constantly calling out..cheerfully...to children : don't forget the hands!! And the toilets are not messed even with little ones.
There is something strange going on. Is he doing it deliberately??

That's a point is he doing it deliberately?

No it’s not normal, I had nothing like this with myboys.

My 4yo gets sent back in to wipe up if he leaves pee everywhere, he doesn't do a great job so I still end up doing it aswel, but an attempt is made. Flushing and washing hands was tought alongside potty training, possibly before as I'd been taking him with me to public loos since he was a baby, so he was already familiar with the normal procedure.

Pretty grotty to not be doing it at 13, but it isn't really his fault, it sounds like he was never thought, so it never became a habit. When and how does you DH think he will learn, if he won't teach him and disapproves of you intervening?

My ds is 13...he always flushes the toilet and washes his hands... although he does use way too much soap and leaves in all over the sink but pick your battles!

2 teen boys here, I've not had to flush since they were about 5 and hand washing was taught with potty training. I also wouldn't be cleaning up after him, send back every time and make him clean the seat etc. No idea what consequence would work sorry

Yeah my youngest stepson is a similar age and he was literally agog when he came to stay here for the very first time and was told he'd be expected to shower daily, wash his hands after using the toilet, clean his teeth morning and night, oh and to wear clean clothes at least once a day. Fuck knows what he's allowed to do at his Mum's house but personal hygiene clearly ain't it.

He's good as gold when he comes here to be fair now and even knows the spray the shower down with the shower spray after he's used it.

At 13, your stepson sounds disgusting. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband. It's not your job to be cleaning up this lad's piss. If he can't be trusted not to piss all over the place, he either sits down to go or cleans up after himself. I'm pregnant too so I completely sympathise with you and I'd say that makes your stepson's hygiene all the pertinent. Particularly in a post-pandemic world - why the hell isn't he washing his hands???

A child of school age (4+) should have been taught to leave the loo presentable for the next user by flushing, wiping any drips with loo roll and telling an adult if the mess isn't something they can deal with themselves (I wouldn't expect very young children to be cleaning skid marks, for example). My children knew to wash their hands as soon as they could stand at the sink.

It's disgusting. What does he do when he goes to friends' houses?!

Not wrong at all! My stepson is almost 19 and still has disgusting habits - dribble of water on the hands after the toilet etc.....he doesn't live with us and contact has only ever been EOW, so this obviously comes from his mother's house, they clearly don't have decent hygiene standards! I send him back etc but at this point there's not a lot I can do. You can still change his habits so keep on at him!

Unless he has special needs, this is a dirty protest. Dad's problem.

Could you ask his dad to clear it up each time? That way he'd see the extent of the problem.

Sounds like a blunt conversation is required, or maybe his dad should step forward and clean it? I wouldn’t make it about the baby though, that will only cause resentment.