Page 2 | 13yo boy... normal hygiene??

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

HeartvsBrain · 16/10/2021 11:03

I have adult sons OP, but I cannot remember ever having to clean the bathroom, or flush the toilet, since I potty trained them. I suppose I always assumed that the adult/s in charge of the child, whilst teaching them how to use a toilet, automatically taught them how to pee correctly, wipe the toilet rim (or seat) after they used it, and how to flush the toilet once they could reach the flush lever/chain, and then of course to wash their hands. I don't remember ever giving it a conscious thought, but if I had then I would have thought everyone did that - I am pretty disgusted to learn that they are not all taught that, especially since the corona virus.
Would you consider showing your DP this thread with all the replys saying that on this occassion both parents are wrong, and step-mum is right?

MeridianB · 16/10/2021 14:19

I don’t think this is normal. I never see anything like this with my little ones. It’s certainly not acceptable.

We had similar (failing to wash hands) and I was stunned that DH told me to stop mentioning it to DSS but failed to do anything about it himself. It totally grossed me out and really dented my respect for DH for failing to parent over something so fundamental.

Can you have a chat with DH when DSS isn’t there and just say he needs to address it for DSS’s sake and for your sake, especially now you’re pregnant.

And send your DH in to clean up every single time.

RedMarauder · 16/10/2021 19:10

One of my nephews was doing this at 7 but by 9 he had stopped.

Why?

Because no adult who cared for him especially both his parents let him get away with it.

Incidentally if I visited his parents house and the toilet was a mess I didn't wipe it up I called it out. So even his then indulgent dad, my brother, knew not to let it continue.

My brother stopped being indulgent when he turned 13 when he realised he needed to do some proper parenting to ensure his son grew up to be the nice young men he is today in his 20s.

(And please show your DH this thread.)

Kanaloa · 16/10/2021 19:17

Yeah my youngest stepson is a similar age and he was literally agog when he came to stay here for the very first time and was told he'd be expected to shower daily, wash his hands after using the toilet, clean his teeth morning and night, oh and to wear clean clothes at least once a day. Fuck knows what he's allowed to do at his Mum's house but personal hygiene clearly ain't it.

If it took coming to stay with his stepmother to find out all this (teeth, showers, clean clothes) was necessary then I’m a bit perplexed as to why his mother is being blamed solely for his lack of hygiene.

His father presumably also failed to teach him any of these things.

aSofaNearYou · 16/10/2021 19:19

We have this battle with my 8 year old step son but I would be very concerned if he was still doing it by 13. You aren't being too harsh on him, they are being too soft. I often think a lot of parents use "you would be softer on them if you were a parent" as an excuse for them actually being overly soft. It deflects from criticism.

CharlieP1977 · 16/10/2021 19:22

@crabette

Not sure whether to post this in step-parenting or parenting, but I'm the SM in this case so going for here!

The issue I have is that 13yo DSS regularly leaves the bathroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. (He also pees all over the toilet 🙄 but I can at least clean that myself!)

We have lived together since DSS was 9, and I have obviously put up with this for a long while, though it's now driving me completely insane - particularly through COVID - but also as I'm currently pregnant and obviously concerned about hand hygiene with a newborn, whom I know DSS is expecting to be allowed to pick up, play with, etc. (Behaviour I'd want to encourage as much as possible if I wasn't so grossed out by his toilet hygiene!!)

Just when I think we're making progress and he starts to "remember" (purely through me listening for him going to the toilet and sending him back in whenever I don't hear the flush and water running!!) he goes back to his DM's, and then all progress is lost as I assume she doesn't bother correcting him. Grandparents on DH's side don't bother either, as he's still "only 13" 🤷🏻‍♀️

My question is - is this normal for a 13yo boy? DH thinks I'm being hard on him as he's "just a typical boy", and thinks I'd be a bit more understanding if it was our child and I wasn't the SM. I concede I'm not a parent yet, but I feel like children learn proper toilet hygiene long before their teenage years? And I'm sure I'll be losing my shit (excuse the pun!) at my own child for not mastering this by 13 - to me it's sheer laziness and indifference rather than lack of understanding or awareness.

But, I don't know how to sort it out without overstepping on the parenting. I have tried gentle reminders. sending him back in each time, outright nagging, and explaining how seriously ill this could make his baby brother or sister (whom he's super excited about).

Would I be unreasonable now to start removing privileges anytime I catch him doing this? Like removal of phone for 30 mins, wifi off, etc? I'm not sure what else would work.

Or, am I being completely unreasonable / harsh, given his age? I'd probably be more reassured if I thought this was typical behaviour for that age that he'll at some point grow out of without me being the bathroom police!!!

That is not normal and you not over reacting!!

His dad needs to get this sorted and will need to discuss it with his mum if she isn't encouraging good hygiene. How lazy if she hasn't done it by this age!!

And congratulations on your baby

RedMarauder · 16/10/2021 20:25

@Kanaloa and @aSofaNearYou make good points.

Why is his dad refusing to parent him properly?

You are going to have a child with this man and you need to work out this sharpish then get it addressed. Otherwise your child will suffer from either a lazy parent or one that is overtly strict on them compared to their older half-brother.

Kanaloa · 16/10/2021 20:29

I know. I find it bizarre how many new stepmums will say things like ‘he was agog to find out he needed to shower when he visits us! I don’t know what his mum teaches him’ and never stop to think hey hang on why has the apple of my eye my lovely new husband never taught his son to wash up/brush his teeth/take care of himself.

Tattler2 · 16/10/2021 20:37

@crabette
This child has not 1 but 2 equally responsible parents both of whom have an obligation to be teaching him about basic hygiene and both of whom are failing him.

CharlieP1977 · 16/10/2021 20:41

@Kanaloa

I know. I find it bizarre how many new stepmums will say things like ‘he was agog to find out he needed to shower when he visits us! I don’t know what his mum teaches him’ and never stop to think hey hang on why has the apple of my eye my lovely new husband never taught his son to wash up/brush his teeth/take care of himself.

She has said that it all gets forgotten when he goes home to his mum. So yes I do agree with the dad being involved but he can't do it without the mum teaching the same xx

Yummymummy2020 · 16/10/2021 20:42

Not normal that’s grim. My 18 month old asks to wash her hands and she isn’t even potty trained yet, just she sees us do it. So at 13 he should be doing it!

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 20:44

@Kanaloa

I know. I find it bizarre how many new stepmums will say things like ‘he was agog to find out he needed to shower when he visits us! I don’t know what his mum teaches him’ and never stop to think hey hang on why has the apple of my eye my lovely new husband never taught his son to wash up/brush his teeth/take care of himself.

If dad only sees the child every other weekend for example how are they supposed to undo the rest of the time? Text them? They'd get told off for interfering.

RedMarauder · 16/10/2021 21:02

@CharlieP1977 and @GoldChick he's 13 not 2.

We have similar issues with hygiene and personal care in our household but SC, who is younger, remembers. After holidays is shit but after a simple reminder they are back into it.

In fact all the children I'm around who are older than 2 aren't oblivious to Covid so have better hygiene in particular hand hygiene than expected.

Original poster

crabette · 16/10/2021 21:14

@Tattler2 @Kanaloa I haven't said anywhere at all it's not also his dad's responsibility, quite the opposite!

I've spoken with DH at length about it, but he just genuinely sees it as 'no big deal' - as he still sees DSS as a child and feels it's something he'll grow out of. Apparently "most boys his age are the same". I'm not ok with that in our house, so I nag DSS myself. DH will support my nagging if he needs to, but I don't think would be going out of his way to fix it himself if I wasn't going on about it! He certainly wouldn't be bringing it up with DSS's mum.

I was just pointing out that any habits I try to enforce here are out the window again by the time he gets back from his mums - that's not me trying to blame his mum, just expressing the reality of how difficult the situation is for me to influence even if I'm marching him back to the toilet everytime 🤷🏻‍♀️ I did also mention my in laws as being guilty of the same!!

@junebirthdaygirl @GoldChick I don't think DSS has chosen it as a battle to fight with me - like I say, generally we are pretty close. But he is glued to his phone / gaming, and I think just grudges the extra 30 seconds in the bathroom away from his tech. This is why I was thinking maybe a longer tech penalty might suddenly focus his memory, rather than just a moan from me and a quick match back to the bathroom whenever he's caught!

OP posts:

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 21:25

At least he's not taking his phone into the loo with him I guess.

Kanaloa · 16/10/2021 21:39

I was referring to the poster who said their stepson was ‘agog’ to find out he would need to shower and brush his teeth when he visited them. Presumably her new husband had in fact cared for his child at contact times before he came to visit them as a couple, and had explained to the child about teeth brushing before.

The poster then said god knows what his mum lets him do, with no mention of the father who she is married to.

Kanaloa · 16/10/2021 21:40

And even in op’s case it isn’t as if the dad is valiantly struggling to teach his child correctly just for the lazy mum to undo all his hard work when he goes home.

The dad says it’s no big deal. He doesn’t have a problem with it.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 16/10/2021 22:02

In response to op, it's nothing to do with having learnt or not learnt toilet etiquette, it's to do with respect for whoever cleans the toilet ie: you, I'm assuming.

I've got 3 boys myself and 1 DSS.

We had no issues with pee anywhere until DSS was on the scene.

I reminded everyone in my house I use relevant tooth brushes to clean up spillages.
I no longer have to clean up spillages.

RedMarauder · 16/10/2021 22:03

@LadyOfTheFlowers

LadyOfTheFlowers · 16/10/2021 22:04

Teaching his boys to pee sitting down when at home (because no one wants pee anywhere but in the toilet) is one thing I am really grateful to exH for

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 16/10/2021 22:16

No. It’s not normal. It’s disgusting. My DSS who is in every other way a lovely human being leaves “his” bathroom like this - we have an en suite so I don’t use the family bathroom.

The mess is not my problem. DH or DSS clean it. If there’s a mess in the downstairs loo or a holiday home bathroom I have no hesitation in telling DH or DSS that it needs cleaning.

My own DS, now an adult, never did this. He did a fair few other reprehensible things, but not this.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 16/10/2021 22:17

I reminded everyone in my house I use relevant tooth brushes to clean up spillages.

Genius!

MeridianB · 17/10/2021 07:01

Does your DH clean up after his son, OP?

Harlequin1088 · 17/10/2021 09:03

@Kanaloa

Yeah my youngest stepson is a similar age and he was literally agog when he came to stay here for the very first time and was told he'd be expected to shower daily, wash his hands after using the toilet, clean his teeth morning and night, oh and to wear clean clothes at least once a day. Fuck knows what he's allowed to do at his Mum's house but personal hygiene clearly ain't it.

If it took coming to stay with his stepmother to find out all this (teeth, showers, clean clothes) was necessary then I’m a bit perplexed as to why his mother is being blamed solely for his lack of hygiene.

His father presumably also failed to teach him any of these things.

Unfortunately as I think a previous poster mentioned, it was a case of my partner was having his kids over to stay at his place (this was long before we met and moved in together) and he would instil these basic hygiene things and then they'd comply at Dad's house until they went home to their Mum's and reverted back to doing whatever they were doing before.

My partner works odd hours so he is only able have his kids one or two nights a week so since they're at their Mum's the majority of the time it's very easy for them to just revert straight back to their unhygienic default. Sadly, it's like we have to start all over again with them every time they visit. As a previous poster mentioned, it's not for my partner to dictate to their mother what rules she enforces at her house but at least when they're here we can enforce what we think is or isn't acceptable.

PeeAche · 17/10/2021 09:26

Hey OP, my DSS is 8 and has some similar filthy habits. He doesn't wipe his bottom, leaves the turd floating in the loo, skips washing his hands and gets pee everywhere.

I have seen mum's house on calls and errr... I try to reserve my judgement.

If he were still doing it at 13, I'd be disturbed - more for his sake than mine. We all just want our DC and DSC to grow up to be normal and well adapted. And toilet etiquette is obviously a requirement for being a normal, well adapted adult who can maintain relationships!

At the end of the day, whether it's something coming from mum or not, your DH is dad and he bears responsibility.

When these things happen to me, I say "the bathroom really needs cleaning up and it's urgent". He then can either clean it or call his DS back to clean it.

It's not up to you to remove privileges for it. This will stress everyone out. If you always put DH on clean up, he'll soon realise how annoying it is.

Regarding the baby holding, just make it a rule for everyone that hands must be washed before touching baby. I always wash my hands before handling my nephew anyway. DSS will be eager to hold baby and happy to wash his hands right before.

The last thing I want to say, OP, is that you're pregnant and during pregnancy your feelings towards SC do become more polarised over tiny things. It's normal and it will pass. This is a small issue in the grand scheme of things - really, it is, even if it doesn't seem like it now. Stop cleaning up his excrement, put DH on shit-duty and try to relax.