Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How to tell Stepkids we're pregnant....

38 replies

Harlequin1088 · 09/10/2021 09:32

Looking for some advice please on how to do this.

My partner and I are expecting our first child together. Partner is has two sons from his previous marriage aged 11 and 17.

I get on very well with the boys and they've told their Dad that they've never seen him so happy so I'm confident they're happy and secure in our relationship.

I think it's because I get on so well with them that I'm fearful of us telling them I'm pregnant just in case they react badly and our relationship is forever altered.

Does anyone have any experience telling older children about a pregnancy and can advise on the best way to go about it? All the research I've done online about telling kids seems to be aimed at when children are much younger so suggest things like getting them a present from the baby. Unfortunately with the age the boys are at, they know where babies come from so I'm concerned a new XBox game purportedly from a foetus might insult their intelligence somewhat!

Any help or advice appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

JustFrustrated · 09/10/2021 09:34

Just tell them

Don't over stress about this..having been that child, I literally didn't care

Until the kid was born and suddenly I lost the ability to sleep beyond 6am and I was shoved out because here was this shiny new toy.

So just tell them, because they're old enough to just be told, and then be aware of your treatment after the birth towards them.

Also, they won't be as excited as you are. No one is. That's fine.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 09/10/2021 09:36

Just don't tell them with an apology and a promise they won't be left out /going without...
Be happy and proud you are adding to your family!!

Warmduscher · 09/10/2021 09:37

Just don’t say “we’re pregnant”.

RussianSpy101 · 09/10/2021 09:38

What @JustFrustrated said.

They’re too old to be excited for a sibling and won’t share much of their childhood so I would just tell me. They probably won’t show much enthusiasm, 11 & 17yo boys don’t care much for babies generally.

Skinnytailedsquirrel · 09/10/2021 09:44

What @Warmdusher said

Original poster

Harlequin1088 · 09/10/2021 09:45

Thank you @Brollywasntneededafterall - you're right, it should be something to proudly announce as opposed to something to apologise for.

As others have said, I think we need to bite the bullet and just tell them. I'm 13 weeks now so can't leave it much longer as I'll be showing sometime soon!

OP posts:

Original poster

Harlequin1088 · 09/10/2021 09:46

@Warmduscher

Just don’t say “we’re pregnant”.

Can you explain? I'm a bit confused?

OP posts:

ngamihi · 09/10/2021 09:48

"I'm pregnant", not "we're pregnant".

Ameanstreakamilewide · 09/10/2021 09:49

Warmduscher means that it is only you who is pregnant, not both of you.🤰

Original poster

Harlequin1088 · 09/10/2021 09:51

@Ameanstreakamilewide @ngamihi Ah I see. That makes sense.

OP posts:

WhoUsedMyName · 09/10/2021 09:51

@Harlequin1088 you will get slated on MN for using "we're pregnant" I've seen it so many times. You can literally get slated on here for all sorts 😂.
One congratulations, two don't over think it we had a baby with a 14 year gap from the oldest and believe it or not he didn't bat an eyelid and now is so protective of him. Also have dc & sc different ages all very accepting and baby just slotted into life.

Glassofshloer · 09/10/2021 09:52

How long have you been together can I ask?

icedancerlenny · 09/10/2021 09:52

We’re pregnant 🤮

Original poster

Harlequin1088 · 09/10/2021 09:54

[quote WhoUsedMyName]@Harlequin1088 you will get slated on MN for using "we're pregnant" I've seen it so many times. You can literally get slated on here for all sorts 😂.
One congratulations, two don't over think it we had a baby with a 14 year gap from the oldest and believe it or not he didn't bat an eyelid and now is so protective of him. Also have dc & sc different ages all very accepting and baby just slotted into life. [/quote]
Thank you. That's reassuring to know.

OP posts:

KeyboardWorriers · 09/10/2021 09:54

"I am pregnant"

"We are expecting a baby"

Frostine · 09/10/2021 09:55

How long have you been together ? If it's a reasonably long relationship , I wouldn't think it will be a massive shock . Perhaps it would be a good idea for your dp to do the telling ( obvs with you there )
Something along the lines of " Because you are so important to us , we wanted you to be the first to know , we are having a baby in ( xx month ) " then allow them time to get used to it without lots of ott info about your pregnancy , your joy about it etc . Then after a few weeks later you could ask if they have any questions or concerns how things might change for them , reassuring it won't . Congratulations by the way

KeyboardWorriers · 09/10/2021 09:57

I would just tell them. Pick a sensible time and tell them both together but don't make a massive song and dance about it and allow them the space to react however they need to

toomuchlaundry · 09/10/2021 09:59

How much will their life change with the added sibling? Will the youngest DSC have to share a room with the new sibling? Will you be changing what you do on their contact time etc?

Nowomenaroundeh · 09/10/2021 10:02

We just called ours downstairs and told them we had some news, then said I'm going to have a baby. We hope you're pleased but it's ok if you're not. It might take a bit of getting used to, it will for us too. Any name suggestions? And went from there.

Original poster

Harlequin1088 · 09/10/2021 10:13

@toomuchlaundry

How much will their life change with the added sibling? Will the youngest DSC have to share a room with the new sibling? Will you be changing what you do on their contact time etc?

No, I don't think their life will change one iota really - other than having to get used to the sound of a baby crying lol! Their level of contact will remain exactly the same and the baby will be in a separate room so they're not relinquishing any space.

We have the kids on a regular basis although the days they come change every week as my partner works shifts and wants to be able to spend time with them on his days off.

Also the oldest one sometimes elects not to come to visit as he's 17, has just discovered girls, wants to hang out with his mates rather than his Dad and his little brother, etc but I guess that's to be expected with a lad his age.

OP posts:

SmileySandwich · 09/10/2021 16:17

@toomuchlaundry

How much will their life change with the added sibling? Will the youngest DSC have to share a room with the new sibling? Will you be changing what you do on their contact time etc?

Maybe tell them together then you can go somewhere else while dad reassures them of this if they react negatively. Then send their mum a message if she's still around.

SmileySandwich · 09/10/2021 16:18

So they don't have to decide if they want to tell her or not

2lsinllama · 09/10/2021 16:28

DH took his children (then aged 15 and 17) out for lunch without me and told them. Situation was helped by their mum telling them previously that we would probably have children together. Me not being there meant they could talk openly with their Dad. They were brilliant with DS when he was little and he is now a proud uncle of 4.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 10/10/2021 00:40

My eldest is 19, and doesn't really have a relationship with his dads now wife (they've been together 12 years, since she was 17 and him 26) probably because of the age gap - DS was 8 when they met. His dad has always been honest and said he would have more children when DS was 18. That's exactly what he has done (his wife had 2 miscarriages and is now pregnant and much further on). I'm fairly sure he just told DS as soon as the positive tests came in because he wanted DS to be understanding as to why he might "let him down", or change arrangements if his wife needed him/first trimester sickness etc.
I don't think it needs any special announcement, it probably won't be a big shock. Just take them for a nice meal and tell them the news. Congratulations

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 07:13

I wouldn't take them out to tell them. They need to be able to feel they can react authentically without people staring if their reaction is negative.

Flip

1 2